Who’s your nipple role model?

Have no idea what we’re talking about? Good. You haven’t been brainwashed by yet another plastic surgery trend we don’t understand: nipple surgery to change the shape, color or size of your areolae.

Everyone has got nipples, but not everyone can show them. Dudes, even ones with man boobs and Mormons, can pose for pics shirtless. Now, when a woman goes topless, the tits have hit the fan! As our own editor Amelia has shown, you’ve got to cover nips with Photoshopped on pasties—then and only then, is she the portrait of modesty by American standards. But does digitally removing some nipples truly desexualize a naked lady? That’s exactly what photography team Loreffrey set to find out in their series Nipple Non Grata.

Throughout the ages women have gone to great pains to get showstopping and eye-dropping cleavage. The corset was rough, stuffed-toilet paper bras were prone to discovery and the push-up bra is just a bit too obvious. According to the peeps from My Beautiful Breasts, however, your cleavage woes are over. This kit ain’t just your average bra-filling and lifting, ladies. We are talking about painting on your boobies, or lack thereof.

We’ve scene this trick before: use makeup to create contours on our bust line the same way we use bronzer to fake sharper cheekbones or those weird airbrushing techniques that create faux six-pack abs. Except, this ain’t just a wish of bronzer we are talking about. Eye shadow and blush come off pretty easy, but the bust stain can stay on for up to five days!  And, maybe I am just bitter because I can’t draw a stick figure, but painting-on your boobies sounds pretty complicated and complex. Chances are I would mess it up and have some pretty busted looking buhbies for a week.

I think I’ll just stick to toilet paper, thank you very much. [$69, My Beautiful Breasts Kit, ItCosmetics.com]

Drinking. Depression. Widowhood. Small boobs. Yes, there are support groups for all kinds of things…

Usually when you talks about supporting your AAs, you mean the feats of architectural wonder accomplished by the Victoria’s Secret Miracle Bra. But on the message boards for Bust magazine, there is actually a Small Breast Support Group.

We’ve heard of face facials. But cleavage facials? Is there really that much you can do to pretty up what your mama gave you?

A UK writer scoped out the cleavage facial in which a spa professional massaged “bust uplifting serums” onto her breasts, followed by a rose oil hydrating mask. Alas, she wrote, the cleavage facial didn’t make her bust appear perkier, but she wasn’t complaining, saying it felt like “75 minutes of pure indulgence.”

We’re not convinced the cleavage facial is legit. Still, it couldn’t hurt to practice, especially with a male aesthetician ... [Daily Mail U.K.]

According to Now Public, way back in 18th Century Spain, scientists believed you could gauge how good a woman was in bed by just examining her boobs. Hm, that sounds like a lame excuse for nerdy dudes to get their grubby hands on ye ole girls…but alas “sternomancy,” the study of the bumps on the breast bone, was actually considered to be a legitimate and even divine discipline of yesteryear. Nowadays, you don’t need a PhD in ta-ta’s to be able to tell what your pair says about you. We’ve broken all the boobies down for you!

Recently, a guy wrote in to Times Online seeking some relationship advice. His girlfriend has size FF breasts, you see, and is considering a reduction surgery and he’s concerned his feelings for her will change if she goes through with it. He writes: “She says her breasts restrict her and weigh her down, but the operation sounds brutal. I love her the way she is and worry that I won’t feel the same about her afterwards. How can I persuade her to change her mind?”

Lady funbags have gotten even more fun! We’ve told you about the mannequin MP3 player, but now, thanks to tit men, the volume has been turned up on ta-tas. A new portable pillow has been made in the shape of an ample bosom. These plush double D’s also contain speakers that hook up to your iPod, television, computer, or any other noise maker with a headphone jack. The tit and tunes combo could get any man into the groove or, as their slogan says, “Sink back into our generous domes of sound.” At roughly $25 bucks a pair, they are definitely the cheapest fake boobies out there. [Trend Hunter]

Veronica Valter, of Million Dollar Looks, wrote an awesome story called “7 Tips For Women With A Big Bust.” While her advice, from getting bras that fit to swimsuits with cup support, was all good, it was a little too modest for girl like me with big ta-ta’s who likes her bragging rights.  If I wanted to lessen the impact of my golden globes, I would have gotten a breast reduction like our babelicious Wendy.  Her new sweater kittens are sweet and really prove that any titty committee is sexy. Well, I’ve got some tips of my own, and I think they work on melons, both big and small. But they do require one special size—a gigantic amount of confidence. Especially if you’re stacked, there is just no hiding them. So why try to conceal what was made to be revealed? With that ethos, here is my advice for making your tits the center of attention!

1. Make-Up: This tip is the gospel truth I learned from the Queen of Cleave herself, Dolly Parton. We all pay so much attention to evening the skin on our face, but what about our boobs?!  After all, all eyes are on them—even if you’re surrounded by a band, Kenny Rogers, back up singers, and giant sparkly set pieces.  So, use powder or bronzer and, in some cases, even blush, to make your cleavage pop and match the tan on your face. Now, think twice about using something extreme like foundation; it’s only for those times when you have a blemish to hide and, even then, use sparingly. No one wants to peel off your bra and see a painted tan line…or worse yet, eat that bad make-up job!

My birth control is ruining my figure. It’s not so much the extra pounds the Pill has added to my frame—seven pounds, if we’re counting—it’s the extra cleavage that I can’t stand. I know most women would kill for overflowing bra cups. If you’d talked to me twenty years ago, when I was stuffing my bra with gym socks and then admiring my womanly profile in the mirror, I’d have balked at the idea big boobs would be anything other than a gift from God. But that was before my breasts inexplicably grew three cup sizes during my sophomore year of high school, and I became a school-wide, overnight sensation the day I demonstrated my jump-roping skills in gym class. Could there have been anyone more clueless and insensitive to the woes of teenage girlhood than a middle-aged, male gym teacher?

In a recent Sunday edition of a Gotham City newspaper, The Frisky’s very own Vixen of Verbiage, Simcha Whitehill, wrote about a new scientific study that suggests three cups of coffee a day can cause a woman’s breasts to shrink. Bravely, Simcha refused to give up her morning cup of liquid caffeine, even if it meant her rack might decrease in size from voluptuous to less voluptuous.

The study struck a nerve with women, who are as obsessed with their breasts as men are. And women are equally obsessed with the perceived male obsession over breasts. And we are obsessed. All men love boobs; we can’t help it. Before seemingly sensitive and enlightened male readers lambaste me for my sweeping gender generalizations, let me just say: Shut up, dudes. You love boobs, too. Even those of you who signed up for, and thoughtfully participated in, Women’s Studies classes in college … You just did it to pick up hot, feminist nerd girls.

According to a Swedish study, three cups of coffee a day will make your boobies go away.  So, in Page Six magazine yesterday, I debated the dilemma with a swimwear buyer for Victoria’s Secret, Courtney Alexander.  I proudly proclaimed I’d skim a little off my bra size to keep my morning pick me up. However, I felt bad for the coffee-and-A-cup-combo pictured with the article, poor lil’ Ashley Olsen. Now, there’s a rumor circulating that Ashley wants a boob job, and is trying to drag Mary Kate under the knife too. Somebody call Uncle Jesse to talk some sense to these babes!

On last week’s episode of “The Rachel Zoe Project,” crybaby assistant stylist Brad Goreski got busted for forgetting to leave Rachel a fashion kit with which to style Cameron Diaz for the Academy Awards. That kit includes nipples covers—as Brad explains: “[I]f one of our clients is wearing a chiffon dress, and it is cold outside, we’ll have pokey nipples!” God forbid a women should have protruding mammary papillae! As it turns out, if you’re looking to go bare but not go there, Bristols 6 makes the Nippies brand nipple covers that Zoe favors. The pasties style comes in a wide variety of shapes and colors: butterflies or stars, glittery or sequined, Rio hearts or Pucci patterned. The silicone style offers more coverage and is reusable and “paparazzi proof.”  With the right pair, and the right ringtone, Zoe herself will tell you: “You’re shutting it down!”

From the strange but true files, a Colorado teen planned to kill his mother to get money so his girlfriend could get breast implants. Eighteen-year-old Nikita Lee Weis hired two other teenagers to attack his mother with a baseball bat. The mother survived the assault, and Weis and his accomplices were arrested on conspiracy to commit first-degree murder charges. It’s not yet clear if the girlfriend, Sophia Nicole Alsept, was involved.

While my Dolly Parton-esque double D’s provide my sexy-time friends with far, far more than a handful, my breasts prevent me from normal activities. Like crossing my heart to say the Pledge of Allegiance. Like squeezing between tables at restaurants without whacking someone in the face. Like wearing button-up shirts and running at the same time. Still, are my bodacious ta-ta’s any more intrusive than, say, the pair men have—that is: balls? I mean, how do they run with those things dangling between their legs? There’s just no denying it. Ladies and gents have bulky body baggage. Thankfully, some gender-bending reporters over at Time Out New York decided to put their work-out routine to the boobs versus balls test. Their results? Frank and beans are easier to exercise with than a couple of milk jugs. But here at the Frisky, let’s talk about when appendages really matter: the sex act. Which cushion do you think is worse for the pushin’? [Boinkology]

Gonna be honest. Xtina’s mammaries totally scare us. Mommy is that going to happen to us? [New York City, 9/02/08]

Whether or not lil’ Ali Lohan had a boob job, it’s a totally duh-statement that many, many, many actresses go under the knife to fit the typical Hollywood bombshell mold. Not these ladies—and especially not Keira Knightly, who refuses to be digitally enhanced. After the jump, 10 actresses who have embraced their bee stings and said “no thanks” to silicone.

Dolly Parton’s rack ain’t got nuthin’ on this lady! Busty Heart, the proprietor of a gentlemen’s club in Pennsylvania, lives up to her stripper name. In fact, just the site of her “dangerous curves” made a 35-year-old guy keel over dead! In the above video from America’s Got Talent, her boob karate chops through 3 wood planks. Three!  My mom sent me to a dojo for years and I still couldn’t break more than one with my hand. [Dlisted]