The National Enquirer would like us to believe that Brad Pitt snubbed out his younger brother Doug Pitt’s political career by urging him not to run for Missouri Congress, even though he probably would have won the election. Apparently, Brad and Doug work on community charity projects together and if his Republican brother took a seat, their efforts would not only reek of “political cronyism,” and Brad would lose his most trusted confidant. Plus, he was hoping to use Doug’s business smarts in his film production company?

Blah, blah, blah. The important thing is—Brad Pitt has a brother! Why weren’t we already stalking him?! Check him out in the clip above—it’s not particularly exciting, but hey, it’s all we could find. Sure, he’s a Republican, but they can be hot, too. He looks more like Zach Braff than Brad, but he’s got Pitt genes buried deep inside him and we must get them out and make clones. Baby Pitts for everyone! [Celebitchy]

File this one in the “are you kidding me” bin: I’m not completely believing the Jalopnik and AP story, but apparently, local traffic cops in Omsk, Russia, are wearing cardboard cutouts of Brad Pitt over their faces as a way of getting motorists to slow down and obey traffic laws—and it’s working! Can you imagine? You’re pulling an illegal U-turn and you see Mr. Fight Club himself staring you down from across the street? I think NYC traffic cops should don Bradley Cooper masks. I’d pull over. [Jalopnik and AP ]

• Designer Alber Elbaz was so inspired by Glenn Close’s “Damages” character, he’s basing a new line of power suits on her. [NY Mag]—I hope Hillary is reading this!
• Adam Lambert is borrowing Lady Gaga’s producer, RedOne, to help him with his new album. [Perez]—We just hope Lambert doesn’t borrow Gaga’s style, as well.
• Congrats to Megan Fox, who has learned that sex sells. [The Sun]—Yes, Megan, baring your legs from hip to toe while flaunting perky breasts will get you noticed. Congrats on figuring that one out!

It’s Wednesday, which means the week is half over and you’ve made it through hump day. But even more importantly, new ‘bloids just hit newsstands. Lest you have to actually buy them, here’s the juiciest and, uh, most ultra true stories from each.

• Kelly Bensimon of “The Real Housewives of New York City” has been ordered to perform two days of community service as a plea deal stemming from misdemeanor assault charges from an incident with her boyfriend. [PopEater]—Don’t expect her to put her name on any invitations.
• Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr looked like they took a bath in some orange goop before attending Shane West’s birthday bash. [Perez Hilton]—Jessica’s orange skin isn’t the only tragedy. Homegirl shouldn’t go partying if she knows her roots will sweat out.
• Chris Brown’s ex-girlfriend says Rihanna bloodied his face the night of the altercation. [Media Takeout]

• The National Enquirer says Angelina and Brad are dunzo and they’re already meeting with attorneys to discuss how to split their $200 million fortune and custody of their six kids. I remember being actually sad about the demise of Bradiston, so I can’t muster up any emotion here. [NationaEnquirer]
• Supposedly Britney paid $350K to get her body back in shape, opting for a mini tummy tuck, breast lift, injections, and peels, not to mention a trainer and a new gym. It’s comforting to think that it wasn’t just magic. Still, that’s 33% of a million dollars. [NationalEnquirer]

• Christina Ricci and Owen Benjamin have called off their engagement. [Dlisted]—I wonder if the breakup had something to do with their height difference.
• Now, Kate Gosselin’s former fiance is dishing on her past. Factory worker Adam Miller says Kate cheated on him with some guy in a Corvette. [Perez Hilton]
• A rep for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie says the couple is going strong in response to the National Enquirer‘s insistence they had split up. [E! Online]—If they did break up, I think they’d work out some agreement to keep their family together, and we’d never know if they were together or not.

• Chris who? Rihanna was seen tonguing down Aubrey Drake Graham of “Degrassi: The Next Generation.” [Dlisted]—Maybe Rihanna should stay away from the baby faces.
• Actress Kate Walsh’s estranged husband, Alex Young, has subpoenaed the president of Disney/ABC television to testify about Kate’s finances. [Perez Hilton]
• Kendra Wilkinson and fiance Hank Baskett will bid farewell to singlehood at a joint party thrown by Bridget Marquardt. “We don’t need the last night of freedom thing. If we are apart, we are going to be on our cell phones like, ‘What the f—k are you doing? Is there any a—in your face?” [E! Online]

Her slit rides higher than her career as she hits the red carpet for the premiere of hubby Brad Pitt’s new flick, “Inglorious Basterds.” Let’s face it: The peeps weren’t there for the movie—they came to see a leg show! [5/20/09, Cannes]