Beyonce’s bodyguard looks awkward in jeans at the beach. Couldn’t he have borrowed swimming trunks from Jay-Z? He might pass out from heat exhaustion if he tries to apprehend anyone that gets too close to Ms. B. [Monaco, 5/13/09]

Beyonce has sold more than 50 million albums worldwide and appeared in several movies, including her first non-singing role as Sharon Charles in “Obsessed,” which opens today. But her ultimate goal is to be on Broadway. “It’s my ideal job,” she told Reuters. “I’ll be able to go to the theater every day and drop my kids off and maybe make some food—maybe I’ll know how to cook by then—and then go do what I love and have some normalcy and have a regular schedule.”

Beyonce the entertainer is phenomenal, but Beyonce the actress is meh. Hopefully, she’ll hone her acting skills before making the leap to the theater. She’s totally skilled, however, to dance on any Broadway stage. [Reuters]

P.S. What do y’all think about the dress Beyonce wore to the “Obsessed” New York Premiere? Too tight? Too glam? Just right?

This weekend, Beyonce’s new movie “Obsessed” is opening, but it doesn’t look so (Sasha) fierce. Actually, it looks like something we’ve seen before. Many, many times. Darn it, Beyonce, you are a diva, and you deserve better than some rehashed plot! After the jump, seven films that will save you $12.

Have a taste for the strange? Feeling a bit dark? In the mood for something ghoulish yet glittery? Check out this hand-jewelry created by twentysomething-year-old designer Delfina Delettrez Fendi, a fourth-generation member of the Fendi family. For a mere $24,000, you can own this jewel-encrusted piece of wearable art that’s part bracelet, part ring, and part exposed human anatomy. It’s a bit like the unique hand-piece Lorraine Schwartz designed for Beyonce that you can see here, but this one’s more romantic than robotic. Ectoplasmosis observes: “You’ll be the envy of just everyone as you sway to the strains of Sisters of Mercy, twenty-four thousand dollars of jewel encrusted carpals and silver metacarpals shining under the dim, dim lights.” If you could afford it, would you rock it?

It’s raining again, New York City. Didn’t someone call the rain gods and tell them Beyonce was coming?! [New York City, 4/22/09]

We’re not tired of listening to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)” after however many months, and we still possess a not-so-secret desire to learn the choreography. So, we were fascinated by this video featuring 100 single ladies dancing in Picadilly Circus to promote Trident Unwrapped‘s Beyonce “I Am” concert contest. Someday, we’ll have the guts to put on a leotard and heels and show off our moves. [Trident Unwrapped via E! Online]

Remember all the crazy talk after the inauguration about Michelle Obama threatening to ban Beyonce from inaugural activities because the singer was making goo-goo eyes at the president? Well, as we expected, that was just talk—Michelle is so above that! She seems to be the type of woman who plays her cards close to her vest, so she probably wouldn’t publicly confront Beyonce, even if she did suspect something was up. Not only that, but Beyonce says the First Lady thanked her before one of the inaugural balls for being a role model to daughters Malia and Sasha. Both First Daughters showed their appreciation for Beyonce when she performed at the “We Are One” concert in January. Beyonce said she was stunned when Michelle pulled her aside.

She told me that she was very happy that her children had an artist like myself and—I don’t even feel right saying this—she said she was happy they had me to look up to.

[The Sun]

You know what’s funny? Picturing Beyonce going down on David Coulier in a movie theater.

Some folks have gotten their panties in a bunch over Beyonce’s cover for the “Shape Issue” of Vogue. Beyonce is one of only five black women to grace the cover of Vogue since it was founded in 1892, but blogs like Jezebel and Sociological Images think the magazine was being sexist and racist by putting her on the cover. I agree to some extent, but not for their reasons.

In an interview with Los Angeles Confidential that just came out, Beyonce says that Jay-Z “is my first relationship.” We were curious about whether she meant he was the first guy she was serious about or if he’s the first guy she’s ever been with, period, so we did a little investigating. According to an interview last year, Beyonce had “one romance when I was 13 to 17, but we didn’t, you know…” And since then, she said she’s only had one boyfriend. At first, we were shocked, but then we weren’t humping everything in sight when we were in high school, either.

Since Beyonce is married to her supposed one-and-only, she probably won’t have to deal with the backtracking other stars have done after making similar statements (not that Beyonce ever said she waited until they were married to jump Jay, but the girl didn’t get around). After the jump, a few famous “virgins” who recanted (or got their words misstated by magazines).

• TV cameras for Bravo trailed stylist-to-the-starlets Rachel Zoe at Fashion Week.  Does this mean The Rachel Zoe Project is up for a second season? I’d die. D.I.E. DIE. [Fashion Week Daily]
• Vogue put a woman of color of their cover for the second time this year!  First, Michelle Obama…now Beyonce on the April issue! [Jezebel]
• Last week, European Union banned animal testing for seven different toxicity tests of cosmetics, including skin and eye irritancy.  It’s also banned the import of chemicals that were tested in this way on animals.  Great news for animal lovers, but it won’t go into effect until March 2013. [Nature.com]
• Um, ew.  Some poor guy in England got a tattoo as a birthday present from his girlfriend but the tat became infected and he died.  That story right there will be repeated millions of times by mothers the world over, I promise you.  [Telegraph]