Cosmopolitan, after almost 50 years of being one of the most aggressively heteronormative women’s publications from newsstand to screen, has finally decided to throw the queers a bone — specifically, 28 (ways to) bone, if you wanna get punnily Cosmo-esque — by publishing its first ever lesbian sex guide.
The NSFW slideshow up at Cosmopolitan.com has been garnering praise from mainstream media. “Finally,” said Salon.com, “Cosmo is reaching out to lesbians.” “Hurrah,” cheered Huffington Post UK. The coverage has accompanied acknowledgement of Cosmo’s recent forays into broader LGBTQ editorial content, with pieces like “8 Things Not to Say to a Transgender Person,” “14 Things You Should Never Say to a Gay Man,” and (the extremely wonderful) “My Life as an Invisible Queer.”
With wide circulation of the lesbian sex guide, Cosmo continues to ride a PR high on its perceived social progressivism. The Hollywood Gossip trilled the slideshow “will receive no criticism from any sane male OR female.”
So now, here I am, an Allegedly Crazy Female Gay, arriving right on cue to crash this positivity party. Keep reading »
High on my list of lifetime headdesks is a morning on which I set off to “sweep” a terrain park on a mountain to declare it open and I suddenly needed to pee. I was a ski patroller, wearing the heroic black bib and brace with the yellow medical cross on my back, so I skied under the ropeline, past the “closed” sign, and traversed past the ski jumps to take a piss. I had my suspenders and pants down around my ankles when I heard the telltale crunch of a snowboarder grinding to a halt just above me. His face dropped as we locked eyes. He mouthed a silent “fuck,” then kicked the board to face down the hill and took off.
Dear all: You do not beat a ski patroller down a hill. I yanked my pants up and skated after him, cranking my best G.S. technique until I cut him off. “Did you ski under a closed ropeline?!” I asked him rhetorically. “DO YOU SEE WHY THIS RUN WAS CLOSED?” He hung his head silently. “SHOULD ANYONE HAVE TO SEE WHAT YOU HAD TO SEE??” He shook his head. This was an existential question; he understood. I let him go. So many people saw my butt during my ski days. It was the peeing. Peeing in storm-force winds, peeing on 30-degree slopes, peeing as tourists in jeans whizzed by. Some of the most difficult peeing of my life, really. Keep reading »
Not satisfied with the size of your sausage? Feeling bad about the brat that you got? Is your wiener simply the wurst? Guess where 18 percent of all penis enlargements in the world took place. Find out on Huffington Post…
Happy National Orgasm Day! And for some of you, Happy Faking It Day! I can only hope that those of you who plan on commemorating today’s holiday will find success in your sexual endeavors, but I’m sure more than a few of you will end up flipping through “King of Queens” reruns and letting out an occasional moan while your oblivious but hopefully enthusiastic and determined significant other goes to town under the covers. It’s not always easy achieving the “Big O,” but it’s more tangible than catching a rainbow unicorn, I promise you. The struggle is real, and a lot goes through your head when you’re trying to hit those high notes. Here’s what you can expect to think step-by-step (in GIFs). Keep reading »
Before I used Foria’s Cannabis Lube to get my vagina high for the first time, I had a lot of thoughts running through my head about what it would be like. Is it going to be a high that’s similar to smoking weed? I love smoking weed. Or will it be more of a body high, like when you eat pot brownies? Oh shit, am I going to trip balls? Maybe I shouldn’t do this on a Tuesday. I wonder if it’ll be easier to orgasm when I’m having sex if my vagina is stoned? Ooh, I wonder if my orgasms will be more powerful too. That would be awesome.
The truth is, it’s really kind of difficult to explain what it feels like to get your vagina high. But goddammit, I’m going to try. Keep reading »
Meet Janet. Janet, bless her heart, has never seen a dick pic. (It’s unclear whether she’s seen a dick in real life, but I’m guessing yes.) Some may call her lucky, but I think it’s a shame. I have four dick pics on my phone right now. (I’m not bragging — most of them are old. I never throw away dick pics. That’s the first rule of Dick Pic Club.) Janet’s friends thought it was a shame too, so they put together a slideshow of 89 dick pics for Janet to click through and comment on, which she does in the video above. Hey Janet, I’ve got numbers 90, 91, 92 and 93, if you want ‘em. [via The Hairpin]