Today in extremely old video gems from the depths of YouTube, I bring you the sad story of Toby the Tortoise who spends a solid minute or so puttin’ in work with a discarded Croc on someone’s lawn. The tiny squeaks! His insistent, determined thrusts! The Croc’s complacency! This is what it’s like when you end up on the receiving end of some assbag you met on Tinder, and really, really just want to go to sleep, but might as well go with it, because hey, he’s cute, and it’s been a minute. I feel for that utility clog. Enjoy!
Do you watch “Empire,” that new show on FOX starring Taraji P. Henson, Terrence Howard and, uh, Courtney Love? I don’t, but I might have to start, because on last night’s episode, one of the characters donned A BLOW JOB BIB, something I am ashamed to say I did not know existed until now. Not actually sold in stores — YET! — a blow job bib is fashioned out of a some sort of absorbent piece of fabric like terry cloth that is then tied around the neck to protect from, um, spillage during clothed blow jobs. I guess it comes in pretty handy if you’re not the swallowing type. I’m just so delighted this was introduced on network TV. We’ve come — hehehehe — far! [NYMag.com] [Image via NYMag.com]
Meet Beshine. She is a pleasant-seemingly German cam girl and internet star with a surgically-augmented 32Z chest, a sunny disposition, and a robust following on Reddit. According to the Daily Dot’s explainer on Beshine and her fan army, her boobs are a bouncing 20 lbs each. That’s the equivalent of 10 six-packs of beer, an average one-year old-child, or a sizeable Thanksgiving turkey. Cool! What fun it must be to spend all day walking around on tiny human legs with two yoga balls strapped to your chest. But how the fuck would you get anything done? I’m willing to bet there’s a lot of commonplace activities that are pretty damn hard for Beshine to accomplish. Let’s explore…
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Cheating is terrible. Don’t cheat. But, if you do, don’t be an idiot and use your wife’s cell phone to send sexts to your mistress, because your wife might come for you and chop your dick off. According to The New York Post, when 34-year-old Fan Lung of China was found sending dirty messages to his lover on his wife Feng’s cell phone, Feng responded the way any completely irrational scorned wife would: by sneak into their shared bedroom at night and chopping his dick off. Incensed and relatively bloody, Fan managed to locate the severed appendage, sad and discarded like an undercooked sausage, and had it reattached — but it wasn’t long before his wife returned to chop that shit off again, this time throwing it out the window and into the night. The detached peen was never found, and local authorities believe it may have become dinner for a stray cat or dog. Lesson learned: don’t fuck with Feng. [New York Post] [Image via Shutterstock]
Remember back in 2007, when a woman married the Eiffel Tower? She’s in a relationship with a German tower crane now. There was a documentary that followed her during her commitment ceremony to the good ol’ Tour Eiffel, and that documentary ruined her relationship with the monument. The staff of the Tower refused to associate with her anymore, and she lost her sponsorships as a professional archer. She had to break up with her one great love, move to Germany, and rebound with the Berlin Wall. She’s working as a tower crane operator now, and is falling in love with her crane.
No, this isn’t magical realist fiction, or something. Erika Eiffel’s sexuality is oriented toward objects (it’s called objectum sexuality). She explained to VICE:
“Children are picking up on all these sensations from everything around them. But as they get older that is unlearned. They’re told, ‘This is an it.’ As a child I was always very connected to objects. I used to carry this little plank of wood with me everywhere I went and as a kid people think that’s cute. But as you get older, their view changes.”
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