This past weekend, I was driving from Chicago to Wisconsin for a friend’s wedding when I spotted a billboard – admittedly advertising some sort of Christian cause – that said, “All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them.”
“Fair enough,” I thought, as the night before I’d had one of those hyper-realistic dreams in which I was I engaged to Don Draper in season one of “Mad Men” (back when he almost ran away with that hot Jewess). Oh, what a world! To be wed to Jon Hamm in lieu of driving a Chevy rental to a wedding with a cash bar!
This got me thinking that although Don Draper was admittedly out of reach as future sex partner, there was nothing at all wrong in dreaming about it, aspiring toward it. And seeing as how I was out there on the open road with nothing better to do then listen to fuzzy radio stations and/or “The Help” on tape, I opted to build up a list of other sexually desirable characters, more attainable than Don, from film and TV. Why? Because every woman’s vagina wants to have sex with Don. My desires must be more original than that. And because, as I said, I was bored. And because in this godforsaken life we all need some bit of delusional hoo-ha to Calgon-take-us-away. Click through to see more fictional men I am more than happy to fantasize about.
She was lubed up, then locked up.
A Florida woman was fine with bringing olive oil, and even PAM cooking spray, into the bedroom. But when her boyfriend brought up his former fling named Pam, she wasn’t having it.
When Barbara Hall, 60, asked her 45-year-old boyfriend to go to the kitchen for some “sexual lubricant,” he obliged, according to police reports obtained by TC Palm.
Then things got slippery.
“Barbara asked if he had also brought the PAM cooking spray,” the report states. “Barbara believed [the victim] misunderstood what she had said, and commented on a girl named Pam. … [He] admitted to having sex with Pam recently on her boat.” Read more …
Before things get awkward here, I feel the need to make a disclaimer that talk of Michael Fassbender’s penis (or him in general) does not come without an acknowledgement of the horrific domestic violence charges that were brought against him by an ex-girlfriend and later dropped. I take these charges seriously and they indeed color my view of Mr. Fassbender. You may read more about the details here.
That being said: I am here to talk about amateur drawings of his penis. I saw Michael Fassbender’s dong (heretofore referred to as Fassdong) ever so briefly in “Shame.” Although I didn’t commit Fassdong to memory, I just remember it was very large. So large, that my friend who I saw the movie with and I still discuss it occasionally. Some seem to believe that Ridley Scott’s latest film, “Prometheus,” used the legend of the Fassdong to distract people from the fact that the film sucked. I haven’t seen it yet, so I’m in no position to weigh in. Vice Magazine, wondering how many people would see a movie solely for the fame of its lead penis, challenged audience members at the London premiere of the film to draw their own version of Fassdong. Click through to see some of the NSFW results.
He liked to talk in bed — a lot, and always dirty — and, as part of his rhetorical repertoire, he liked to tell me about other women he’d been with while he was getting me off. He’d whisper in my ear about how this one went down on him while he told her what a whore she was, or how that one responded when he called her a slut while she was on her knees in front of him. When I told him he wasn’t allowed to call other women by my name — “slut” — anymore, he kissed me so hard I couldn’t breathe and nailed me until I couldn’t see straight. Keep reading »
No, no, no, Lindsay Lohan is not going to be in a porn — her new co-star on a flick called “The Canyons” – has a long history in pornography. James Deen appeared in hundreds of adult films and as our own Julie put it, it’s all because of his “nerd appeal.” He and LiLo are expected to star in the thriller about twentysomethings on a “quest for power, love, sex and success in 2012 Hollywood,” written by American Psycho author Bret Easton Ellis. Should be fun.
Now let’s get to know James Deen … in the most safe-for-work way we possibly can. Keep reading »
I’m pretty sure that the best thing to come out of the nation’s obsession with mommy porn series 50 Shades of Grey is this video of Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb fondling ben wa balls on “The Today Show.” Ben Wa balls, of course, are shoved up inside your vagina to stimulate and encourage greater orgasms. I wonder if Kathie Lee took a set home…