Helloooo, Florida! You’re back. And with important life lessons for us. What can we learn from 53-year-old teacher, Mary Maloney? That if you’re arrested for a hit-and-run, it’s a very bad idea to offer the police officer oral sex in return for your release. Yeah, that’s only going to make matters worse, along with that empty gallon jug of wine behind the driver’s seat. It’s not looking good for Mary Maloney. There is a time and place to offer a blowjob. This certainly was not it. [Huffington Post]
Click through for more tales of oral sex gone terribly, terribly, terribly wrong.
Sometimes I feel bad about wild animals enclosed in zoos. But I feel slightly less bad for Gina, a chimpanzee at the Seville Zoo in Spain, who spends her days watching porn on TV.
Gina’s TV has lots of different channels, but the only ones that this frisky primate watches are the ones rated “adult entertainment.”
Chimps are, of course, one of the closest cousins to humans; we share 90 percent of our DNA with them.
That information should, I hope, make Salon.com writer Issac Abel, 23, feel slightly better: Abel published an essay this weekend about how he came of age masturbating to internet porn and now he’s having difficulties getting sexy with real, live women who don’t fulfill his fantasies quite like those on set. Keep reading »
Oh, heeyyy. What’s that? TLC has a new amazing show coming down the pipelines? Oh, yes they do. The channel whose womb I want to crawl into, is bringing us “Plastic Wives,” a series about the wives of some of the most high profile surgeons in Beverly Hills.
“Underneath all that plastic are the wrinkles the cracks, the insecurities. We all try to cover it up, but we’re the Plastic Wives,” says cast member Dayna. She also refers to her vagina as “two soy hot dogs with a bad carpet.” I will be using that one in the future. Why soy? I can’t take the time to ponder that because really, Dayna’s soy dogs are nothing compared to Alana’s. She keeps hers in a small plastic jar. “This is my labia, I think she looks better in a jar than hanging down there,” she says.
Done and done. I’ll be watching the premiere on January 27th. The full preview after the jump. [TLC] Keep reading »
I’m taking a cue from Jodie Foster’s Golden Globes speech and outing myself: I’m a bikini waxer. I’ve been waxing regularly since 2001. But that doesn’t mean I’ve gotten used to it. I’m not going to pretend like it’s no biggie. After more than a decade, I still think it hurts like a motherfucker. I take Advil before I go and use numbing spray, but it’s still incredibly painful. And for the record, I will never stop praying for full bush to come back in style. The ’70s were the best! But there is some really, really good news about crotch waxing that makes all the pain worth it.
According to some new research, all of our effort (men and women both!) to remain hairless down there has put crabs on the endangered species list. That’s right! Pubic lice is on the verge of extinction. Keep reading »
By now, you’ve probably watched or at least, heard about Jodie Foster’s acceptance speech for the Cecil B. DeMille Award at last night’s Golden Globes. Today, the internet is a abuzz with reactions to her “coming out” speech. Foster dropped the declaration that we’ve all been waiting for:
“I’m just going to put it out there right, loud and proud … I am, uh, single … I hope you’re not disappointed that there won’t be a big coming out speech tonight. I already did my coming out about a thousand years ago back in the Stone Age. Those very quaint days when a fragile young girl would open up to trusted friends and family and co-workers, and then gradually and proudly to everyone who knew her, to everyone she actually met.”
Met, being the operative word, Foster went on to comment on the issue of privacy, joking that nowadays, celebrities are expected to honor the details of their private lives “with a press conference, a fragrance and a prime-time reality show.” Keep reading »