It was after L left and I looked in the mirror that I realized I might have a problem. My breasts and neck were covered in bruises and bite marks. One was even bleeding; that would leave a scar. I was heading to my parents’ house in two days for Christmas, and although I knew I could cover the mess that had been made of my boobs, my neck was going to be a different story. If I had a stockpile of turtlenecks, it would have been one thing, but I’m just not a turtleneck type of girl.
When I first started dating, I knew that I liked to be bitten. There was something both sensual and animalistic about it that I couldn’t help but be enticed by. When I masturbated it was always something I thought about: that aggressive devouring that would leave battle scars. However, high school, and even college guys, were hesitant to rock the boat in their sexual performances. So, when I’d whisper, “Bite my neck,” I would either end up with sad little hickeys or their efforts would be so weak that I would never bother to ask again. There’s nothing worse than a weak bite. Keep reading »
When friend had mentioned she’d been to sex parties, I knew I wanted to go, too. Could she bring me along next time, if it wouldn’t be too weird? As it turns out, she would soon be hosting one at her very own house. Sure enough, an invitation came in my email a few days later, sternly worded emphasis on consent.
In preparation, I treated the sex party as if was a date — a group date, of sorts, where I was sure to get laid. So I did what I’d do before a normal date: I shaved the winter fur off my legs, blowdried my mane, and did my eye makeup real fancy. I squeezed into a sequin Forever 21 dress that I first/last wore at a club on my 24th birthday party, then unrolled it off like sausage casing when I realized I couldn’t breathe. I tried on my sweetest LBD and chucked that aside, too, for not being “sexy” enough. I’m supposed to look fuckable at an orgy, right? I’m a slightly overweight feminist WASP with eczema on my ankles. The Victoria’s Secret definition of fuckable isn’t really my look. I settled on jeans, boots, and a gorgeous silk blouse over some pretty lingerie.
Worrying so much about how I looked was a colossal waste of time. Keep reading »
Science! It’s pretty crazy, right? Like how about this guy who John Millward, who devoted countless hours to a new study on finding the perfect porn star. That’s right: Millward’s study “Deep Inside” (hahahah you so funny) studied more than 10,000 porn stars and their careers in order to come up with the “ideal” porn star.
Millward went through every listing in the Adult Film Database to attempt to suss out patterns and preferences among porn stars. “I was able to scrutinize adult performers in a way no man, despite regular attempts to do so, had ever managed before, and find out once and for all which stereotypes about porn stars are true, which are bogus, and what these men and women have been doing for the last forty years,” said Millward.
What did he find? Keep reading »
French lingerie line Valega made some weird boob cartoons to promote their Finally Together push up bra. The ads feature animated breasts (with arms and legs) joyfully reuniting. In this commercial, right and left breasts meet at the airport and engage in a highly disturbing nipple bumping squishfest. The other spots take place respectively at a ship dock and on the set of a TV game show. I’ve included them after the jump for your viewing pleasure (maybe pleasure isn’t the right word). Breast anthropomorphism frightens me. [Ad Week] Keep reading »
It’s always uncomfortable to receive a gift you don’t want. You remember your childhood birthday parties. Just smile and say thanks for the Barbie you already have! Boise man, Andy Thompson, found himself in an extremely awkward position when he won a $3,000 voucher for breast augmentation surgery. For Mardi Gras, a local bar was giving the boob job away as a Fat Tuesday door prize, and Thompson was the lucky winner. When asked what he plans to do with his new pair of boobs, the 37-year-old joked “I was thinking about going with a C cup, but I think a small A is good for me.” But seriously, Thompson doesn’t know “what the plan is” for his unwanted prize since there are “so many good options.” Keep reading »
Sometimes I feel really bad for the shit that strippers have to deal with! A 16th birthday party filled with testosterone-laden horndogs is right on top of that list. Keep reading »