Zergnet: Simply Irresistable
Guys, I’d like to come to the defense of Lindsay Lohan. No, not for stealing/”borrowing” that jewelry. And not for making the movie “I Know Who Killed Me,” either. No, I’d like to defend Lindsay for showing up to her first day of community service without a bra on. Because who among us hasn’t walked out of the house without a bra on and realized a half hour later that maybe going without was a bad idea? Happened to me the other day. I went to walk my dog and pick up some tacos for lunch wearing just a loose sweatshirt. I took a look at myself when I passed a reflective surface and, holy crap, I did not realize my tits so obviously jiggled. I felt almost naked. I crossed my arms and hurried home, sans tacos. So, I’ve been there, Linds. I stand with you in stupidly bra-less solidarity. And so do these 29 other sexy braless stars!
I have … hold on, let me count … five vibrators. While I don’t flaunt them — i.e., they’re not laying out on my bedside table for guests to ogle — I don’t pretend not to have them. I am an empowered woman! I masturbate! I am the master of my own orgasm! Roar! Or rather, purrrrr…
But I gotta admit, if a dude I liked confessed to using a sex toy, like, say, a Fleshlight, to masturbate, I would be weirded out. It’s hypocritical, no doubt, but I’m not alone. Am I part of a sex toy double standard? Keep reading »
I used to trade back rubs for blow jobs. Not with strangers, of course. With my boyfriend at the time. And not half-assed, sitting in front of him on couch with the TV on back rubs either; no, I’m talking lights off, candles burning, soothing background music, scented oil back massages for at least 20 minutes. When he was done, I would sit up, he would lie down, and I would return the favor with oral sex. I wasn’t half-assed about it either; it was often to fruition, although about 40 percent of the time — unless I was on my period — the back massage would get me revved up and we would end up humping. Either way, it was always a successful exchange of services that left both of us satisfied.
This is what Kelly Oxford, writing in GQ, calls “sex bartering,” and she suggests couples everywhere “put sexual favors on the table and start negotiating.” Keep reading »
Apparently in Australia, female libidos are ruled by fairies instead of hormones. “Every time a man lies in bed pretending not to hear a crying child, a female libido fairy dies,” wrote a father of two. A clever reference to Peter Pan indeed, but I don’t get it. I mean, I get it. A woman would be less likely to want to have sex with her husband if she hasn’t been up all night tending to a crying child. But what does that have to do with fairies? “Libido fairies” explained after the jump. Keep reading »
I was 14 and I was having slippery feelings. I was having them for Roelle, the sophomore with giant tits who told me she liked my shirt, before crawling under a wool blanket to make out with her boyfriend on the front lawn of the high school. I was having them for Eleanor, who told me it was her dad’s birthday the three times I asked her to hang out. I was even having them for Colleen, who was only 4’7”, and who ate her height in Taco Bell tacos, and who therefore smelled like she had been bathing in a vat of expired salsa. Keep reading »
On Tuesday’s “Ellen DeGeneres Show,” teensy-tiny actress Hayden Panettiere, who’s 5-foot-1, told DeGeneres that fans are always approaching her and asking how she manages to have sex with her boyfriend, 6-foot-6 Ukrainian heavyweight boxer Wladimir Klitschko. “I get the rudest prudest people coming up to me, and they’re like, ‘Does it work?’” Panettiere said. “Yeah, it works. We find a way.” She went on to say that the people who are the most curious about their bedroom habits are conservative types. Well, call me a pervert (or would it be a prude?), but after I heard that little anecdote, I started to wonder the same thing about … well, everybody. It can’t be easy for Kim Kardashian, 5-foot-2, and her current ’baller beau, Kris Humphries, 6-foot-9, to get horizontal. Same goes for everyday couples with different proportions that we see walking down the street hand in hand. So how can partners who have totally different body types have the hottest sex possible? A few of the country’s top sexperts offered their opinions on the perfect down-and-dirty positions for “mismatched” partners…
My standard response to reading the vast majority of sex advice printed in Cosmopolitan: “Oh, come ON!” I don’t think I could come up with more ridiculous sex advice if I … oh hell, I’ll give it a shot. In this quiz, each slide contains a piece of advice that either appeared in the pages of Cosmo or was pulled from the ass of a Frisky staff member. Can you tell the REAL Cosmo advice from the sex tips we just made up? (Answers revealed on the slide that follows and so on…) Tell us how you did on my little quiz and then feel free to share your own ridiculous and potentially dangerous FAKE Cosmo advice in the comments.
Ah, to be famous. All that caviar. The damned paparazzi! You spend your days wandering around in a mansion, wondering what the true meaning of life is. If only we, the plebes, could be so lucky. Of course, celebrity does have a dark side! It’s not all cupcakes, rainbows, and baths in hundred dollar bills! Sometimes, unfortunate photographs of you sunbathing naked in Barbados wind up on the internet. Perhaps you really didn’t want to have people videotaping that late-night trip you took to the drugstore for tampons. And then, for a not so lucky few, you just might find out that, gasp, you’ve been turned into a celebrity sex doll.
Like Miley Cyrus, for example. The “Hannah Montana” star, who turned 18 last November, has been immortalized in the form of a “Finally Miley” sex doll (although we’ve seen another version of the doll’s packaging that says “Finally Mylie”), complete with “three achy love holes.” So. Wrong. Even more disturbing? This love doll sold out in less than 48 hours. What a world we live in. [NY Daily News]
Mon dieu! What’s a celeb to do? Hope it’s a decent replica, for chrissake. Check out some other infamous celebrity sex dolls.
Milla Jovovich had a rogue Hersey’s Kiss caught under her dress at Mikhail Gorbachev’s 80th birthday bash on Wednesday. Oh wait, that’s not a Hersey’s Kiss … it’s her nipple. While embarrassing for her, it was the best birthday gift Gorby could have wished for. Sometimes nipples have a mind of their own and we just have to let them be free. Click through to see some more celebrity nip slips. Totally NSFW, for the record. [Best Week Ever] Keep reading »