This week, I got a letter from a lady who’s full of hot air:
“Last night, I was trying to impress this guy I’ve been seeing by trying to bend like a pretzel in bed. Unfortunately, I farted while moving my leg over. It was loud, it was smelly. It was so embarrassing. There was a definite pause … and then we just kept going. It was the most awkward thing that has ever happened to me. Will he ever think I’m sexy again? It was only the fourth time we had sex.”
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Woe betide the sexual being who has a kinky fetish but doesn’t have internet access. You could waste years of your life—decades, even!—fretting that you’re the only sick f*** who likes her wrists handcuffed to the bedposts during sex. But with a few clicks of the mouse, anyone can get the lowdown via internet porn: Other chicks like to be restrained during sex, too! Lots and lots of chicks, actually. You’re pretty normal, girlie. In fact, you’re almost boring. All this is thanks to the 21st-century technology revolution, which isn’t only great for curious adults, but curious teens, as well. Make that really curious teens. Keep reading »
Last week, our Catherine totally skeeved all of us, which I might add is not an easy task, with 20 Words That Gross Us Out More Than “Moist.” Seriously, ew! It’s bad enough to hear a funky word in your day-to-day life, but what about when you’re trying to keep things sexy? You don’t want to say something icky when you’re naked. That’s why we’ve compiled a list of no-no words for once you’ve said “yes.” Let’s do it, down and dirty with 36 words you should never ever say … in bed!
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This week, I got a letter from a woman who’s worried she doesn’t know her own strength:
“I’m finally seeing a new guy regularly and he’s great, but we’re having a major issue in the bedroom department. I’ve always had glowing reviews before, and this new guy and I are definitely compatible, but sometimes we have to stop because somehow I’ve … bent his penis? The last time it happened, I had already orgasmed, but he was telling me he might not be able to (another really frustrating problem, but a more manageable one — he said he was tired). Anyway, he pulled out too far mid-thrust and then instead of going straight back in there, he got off track and ended up smushing himself against me and hurting himself! This has happened before but I thought it was due to dryness, so we added lube and things were fine for a while, but it’s happened since and dryness was not to blame. I’m not sure if I’m doing something wrong or what, but I’m starting to get concerned and I don’t want him to be disappointed and writhing in pain every time we have sex! It doesn’t happen every single time, but it’s enough that it’s a problem. Please help me!”
Oh girl, this is an emergency! Here’s how you can play doctor.
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Are you a cucumber abuser? If you are, I think you know exactly what I mean by that. And it’s got to stop! The cucumbers can’t take it anymore! Created by an erotic shop called Sara’s Secret, these ads show just how traumatic life can be for poor, innocent cucumbers who find themselves in the hands of bored, sexually frustrated women. Don’t do it, girls! Go battery-powered instead. Or, there’s always the washing machine. [Agency Spy] Keep reading »
My 85-year-old Grandma has got some serious game and an even hotter love life than me. Still dating in her golden years, my grams finally settled down and moved in with her sexy new boyfriend. He’s 94, also a Holocaust survivor, and a total charmer. They spend the winters at her condo in Boca (that’s Boca Raton, Florida, natch), and the summers at his place in New York. So, while she’s in town, I took the opportunity to ask my own personal dating guru to share her secrets with us Frisky gals. Here’s what Grandma’s got to say about the best places to meet men, masturbation, sex back in the day, and porn addiction. What, you think I’d let her get off easy?
Got a question for Simcha’s grandma? Email firstname.lastname@example.org — no topic is off-limits for this silver fox! Keep reading »
In Jamie Bufalino’s sex column in Time Out New York this week, a 30-year-old straight woman writes in to tell Jamie about a super-embarrassing moment she experienced during sex with her new boyfriend recently. She says:
This evening we are fooling around and I am straddling him but no actual intercourse. All of a sudden—OMG Jamie, I can’t even write this—I felt some sort of warm liquid under me…I don’t know WTF happened, there seriously was no warning whatsoever…but somehow, my body released runny, watery, disgusting, liquidy s**t. Not a lot, but definitely enough. Again, no signs of it coming, no stomach gurgling, no slipped fart, nada. Just straight-up liquid s**t. I stopped immediately, hopped into the shower, and wanted to curl up and disappear. He was actually very polite and understanding about it. I want to know, how the hell did this happen?!? Why was there no warning?!? I’m so disgusted and humiliated that I don’t know if I have the courage to ever see him again.
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Well, it was bound to happen. Porn company Lethal Hardcore Video has spoofed the Sarah Palin/David Letterman feud for a flick called, ahem, “F**k My Mom and Me.” In the dirty movie, “Letterman” has sexual relations with both the former Governor (“Sara Paelin”) and her daughter (“Bristhole Paelin”). Has porn finally gone too far?! I’m sure Palin thinks so, but this is just another example of the negative side of putting your family in the limelight (and People magazine). As for the mother/daughter theme, this is hardly new. Porn with incestuous themes are pretty common — I’ve seen (and by “seen” I mean, uh, glimpsed, not watched) porn where two actresses, playing mother/daughter, sisters, etc. schtoop each other. I’ve even seen some twin porn and what’s icky about that is that it’s hard to fake identical twins. [AVN.com] Keep reading »
British sexpert, Bettina Arndt, asked 100 couples to keep diaries about their sex lives for a year. In her experience, spicing things up can really solve any problems in the bedroom and that’s what she was hoping to prove. While she expected to read some salacious tales of romantic rendezvous, what she got really put the love in love life. People bared their souls and divulged their deepest, darkest feelings — wait, men have feelings?! Just kidding! Arndt has just published her findings in The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Soft And Other Bedroom Battles based on what the couples wrote in their journals. It sounds like the perfect summer read, but if you’re like us circa high school, you’d rather skim the Cliff’s Notes. Here are eight reasons why couples stop having sex. [Daily Mail] Keep reading »
This week I got a letter from a teeny bopper, who just can’t seem to “She Bop,” if you know what I mean. She wrote:
I’m 19, have never had a boyfriend, and am still a virgin.
I’m not coming to you for relationship advice; the way I see it I don’t need a man right now. The thing is, as I’m sure you know, sex dominates culture. Just because I’ve never done it doesn’t mean I haven’t heard stories, and it’s made me pretty damn horny. I’m kind of curious about masturbation, but I feel like I’m just doing it wrong. Nothing seems to really get me there. Do you have advice for a beginner like me?
Well, honey, even a ho like me will tell you that there’s no rush to lose your virginity — especially if you’ haven’t orgasmed on your own first! Lettin’ some dude sock it to you before you know how to get off isn’t gonna do it for ya. No man is that good. You’ve got to take your O into your own hands! You’ve got to solve, or rather diddle, your own ecstasy riddle. So, all that work you’ve been doing feeling around down there, even if it hasn’t finished the job, is a good start! Now here’s how you can take yourself all the way home. Keep reading »