Zergnet: Simply Irresistible
It’s no secret that those in charge of deciding what and who deserves a holiday, the legal system, the government, and even the universe has something against single people. That explains why people getting married get to register for whatever expensive crap they want and people actually buy it for them — because we’ve been inudated since birth with the knowledge that people who are in love DESERVE PRESENTS.
Well, I’m here to say, that’s B.S. Why don’t we have divorce registries? And parties for people who have just been dumped and no longer have pots and pans because they’re crummy ex took them when he moved out? I got lost four times driving to Ikea this weekend because the ex took our (okay, his) dresser so I needed a new one. I didn’t end up buying a dresser, however, because A) the box weighed 300 pounds and I’m too pathetically weak to carry it and B) I don’t have a second person to help me put furniture together anymore anyway. I did come home with candles, wine glasses, and picture frames.
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The Brit was someone I can describe only as Lord Marcus on “Gossip Girl.” Well, except for the title and the vast family riches. Nine years older than me, the Brit was a U.K. transplant in the banking industry and a sweet, sweet man. Not only did he own a house across the pond, but he would sometimes bring small index cards on which he’d previously jotted down the names of nice restaurants we could go to after quick drinks or karaoke, depending on where we had agreed to meet. He was thoughtful, attentive, and thoroughly romantic, especially with that hot British accent.
One night, after an insanely fun night of boozy karaoke and a seafood dinner with entree-appropriate wine, he dropped me off at the door of my apartment. He then swept me up in his arms and spun me around, right in next to a busy street, for God and everyone else to see. I was floored. This was the stuff of Seventeen magazine fairytale dates – the ones I had looked forward to in high school that never materialized…until now. Giggling and semi-swooning, I kissed him goodnight and walked up the stairs to my apartment happy.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Trust issues go careening out of control, as everyone around you turns into a gossipy wench spewing out different information, mostly which is hearsay, and will have you drenched in confusion. Of course you can also go right to the source to find out fact from fiction, but without the drama will it be just as fun? Fate lets you decide.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Speed up your stalled flirtation by throwing some new energy into the mix by way of friends. Instead of running yourself ragged, trying to force intimacy, make social activities the place of your courtship. The more light hearted your approach, the less pressure you’ll be under and ultimately it’ll give you the space to find just the right position to get comfy in.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
A raging need for power is about to infuse your body, pushing you into a new stratosphere of imagination, drive and ruthlessness. Although you would like to always think you use your powers for good, you can’t always be as perfect as you wish. Thankfully, the more devilish you are, the more delicious you feel.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Even if you don’t know it, most everyone thinks you have balls of steel — this week, you’ll finally get it too, as you step up your game to wrestle down demons from your past and start putting your head back straight when it comes to matters of the heart. When all is said and done, expect the grey clouds that hover over your love life start to disappear.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
If you have the hots for one of your friends or a friend of a friend, this is your week to make the move. Nothing drastic has to be the table, but start dropping the hints. Chances are they’ll bite, but do take it slowly when it comes to seeing one of your sexiest and most secret fantasies start to unravel. If you push too fast, you risk losing it all.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Using your sex appeal isn’t normally a good professional practice, but these days it’s a dog eat dog world you’re in and whatever you have to do to get ahead is all part of the game. Not to say you should blow everyone you interview with, but adding a little more edge and danger to your image isn’t going to hurt anyone, least of all your wallet.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You only have yourself to blame if you don’t see a love-fest in your future. Seems your optimist and crazy imagination is going to be hitting pay dirt, as someone is destined to be there to fulfill your naughtiest dreams. Where you may ask? If you want it, it’ll mean taking yourself out of your norm environment and the farther out the better.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
The less you reveal, the more enticing you become to that certain someone that has been driving you insane. No doubt they’ve had their eye on you too and this week things will start to take unexpected turns that can leave you in a few compromising positions. Just don’t burn all your fuel out yet, as it’s next week when things get explosive.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’ll be so happy in love or lust, even strangers will stop to compliment you on your glow. Yes, there’ll be no stopping the power of multiple orgasms and the high of romance, so love every minute of it. Rushes like this don’t come out of vending machines, so screw the modesty act. Besides, isn’t rubbing it into others’ faces half the fun?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You can stick needles in your eyes and not feel a thing, as love will have you so dumb that you will be oblivious to anything other than getting some of that sweet loving from your baby. However, just because you’re struck stupid with emotion, doesn’t mean you should do as you wish, as responsibilities will drag you back to reality at the most inopportune moments.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
All the cards are on the table and there’s no need to get neurotic about your state of affairs. The only one that can ruin the moment is you and your crazy sense of possessiveness. As you know, confidence is the sexiest thing anyone could extol, so if you plan to keep your jackpot of love, own the fact you’re a prize too. After all, if you don’t believe, who will?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Don’t freak as you uncover things about your boo that’ll have you wondering who the hell you’re sleeping next too. Sure, it might be more embarrassing than distressing, but either way, it’ll rock your sense of loyalty. However, after a few good romps to quell your nerves, by the week’s end, you’ll find your sense of humor will return and those irritating facts to become endearing.
I’m not proud to admit I’ve already clocked more hours on my wedding-gown search than I did choosing a college.
From afar, it seemed like a fun task to find a gorgeous vintage dress to get married in. On the other hand, it only has to be the most knock-’em-dead dress of a lifetime, to be photographed more than any other outfit I will ever wear.
The upside of going vintage is that nearly every gown is one of a kind. This is also the downside. When you find a real beaut, there’s always at least one thing wrong: color, condition, price, it’s already sold (second most common problem), or the most common and aggravating issue of all, size. Keep reading »
Today is Sweetest Day, that odd Hallmark Holiday that remains the awkward teen stepsister to the slightly more tolerable and decidedly more popular Valentine’s Day. I first heard of Sweetest Day years ago when I was a floral designer in Chicago and some poor guy came into to the shop on his lunch break throwing around twenties and begging me to create the most gorgeous Sweetest Day bouquet money could buy. “I need to convince my girlfriend not to dump my ass,” he whined. “Well, why would she dump you? What did you do?” I asked. “I cheated on her,” he replied. And that’s when Sweetest Day was forever branded in my mind as the occasion to atone your relationship sins…or at least spend a bundle on flowers trying. That impression was further molded a couple years later when I was on a first date with a guy who, while flipping through his planner before the movie started, said, “Oh, crap! Sweetest Day is this weekend. I gotta get something for my girlfriend.” “Your girlfriend?!” I asked in disdain. “Yeah, she’s great.” He answered. I opted to skip drinks with him after the movie ended.
So, here’s to Sweetest Day…and hoping none of you get surprised with a gift from your sweetie this year. Keep reading »
Yesterday we told you about how, thanks to a new spa trend, women are finally able to get happy endings. That’s right, after centuries of men being able to get some so easily, we ladies are finally getting our fair shot! However, even though the playing field has been leveled, we wonder, if you’re in a relationship, is it still considered out of bounds or is it just a fun way to score? After reading this awesome article by Gina from Mom Logic, who encouraged her husband to cash in and get off during his weekly massage, we had to wonder… do you consider a hand job from a professional masseuse cheating? Keep reading »
Earlier this week, the guys on our IM gave their thoughts on high maintenance women, and I was really shocked to learn that men actually appreciate (at times) a physically high maintenance woman. Emotionally high maintenance women are another story all together. Now I consider myself to be a high maintenance woman, but not in the traditional sense. I like treating myself to mani/pedis and can spend hours in Sephora. And if shopping was an Olympic sport, I’d definitely win gold. But the thing is I like doing all this for myself. I don’t expect my boyfriend to do it for me. I do, however, expect him to wait for me while I get dressed for work or a date because I really don’t like to leave the house until I look and feel my best. Since I can dress in an hour and I don’t have my paws on his wallet, I think I’m really just an average girl with a slight case of high maintenance-osis. But I started thinking…if I really was crazy (let’s call it what it is), what would I do to show my high maintenance colors? After the jump find 11 ways to get in touch with your high maintenance side, too. Keep reading »
Right now I’m going to be one of those slightly pathetic girls who reference an episode of “Sex and the City” to try and make a point, but then again who am I kidding, because I learned a lot from those four ladies. Thinking back to season three, when Charlotte was on the cusp of marrying Trey and found out she was getting locked into a shady prenuptial agreement has got me wondering about the subject. If I got married right now and my fiancé and I decided to have a prenuptial agreement, what the hell would he even be able to take from me? My favorite pillow? My DVR? My favorite necklaces? Oh wait I already lost those a week ago. Keep reading »