• Relationships

For The Week Of December 15-21, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’re under no obligation to do anything you don’t want to. After all, why fight the selfish, lazy, and irritable mood that’s how you honestly feel? Bah humbug all the way, but you’re not the only one feeling the slump. When it comes to connecting over misery, you’ll find complaining is an effective and joyous method of foreplay.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Bitching will get you heard, and the louder the better. No more sitting on the sidelines, trying to play perfect in your partnership, as that isn’t going to make you happy at the end of the day. This isn’t to say your honey isn’t out to please, but when you don’t say a thing, how will he ever know what to do? He may be cute, but smart? Not always.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’ll finally hear words you want to hear, but where that’ll lead won’t be what you’d assume. It seems a new can of worms will open, leading you down another dramatic path that has more questions than answers. At least the power to decide your fate is back in your hands, and that’s as good as you can ask for at this point.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

The bottom line on your current prospect is if you’re not feeling the love by this week, call it quits, as you’ll never get to that level of intimacy you crave. Yes, your optimist is getting the better of you, and to think your latest deeper than he is would only be wasting your imagination. Better to spend your time in bed catching up on sleep.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

If your baby can’t get with your current program, then it’s time to listen to those voices in your head and reconsider past compromises you’ve made as a favor to him. Time to see the bigger picture and realize you’ve been getting the shorter end of the stick. Llike any red-blooded lady, if you’re going to be stuck with any side of the a stick, you need it big. Don’t settle.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

When it comes to friends, it makes life a lot easier when they’re enablers. This week, when life brings a new batch of weirdos to court you, feel free to call in the peanut gallery to get their assessments. Chances are they’ll find just the right way to paint a fun and enticing picture. After all, if your love life can’t be rewarding, it should at least be entertaining.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

New loves are not your old ones. Sure, the past matters in building your future, but when you short-circuit and hold someone new accountable for past sins of a prior relationship, that’s called head-tripping. Resolve your issues before getting in too deep with another. The emotional luggage you’re carrying is a cross too heavy to bear for you and any other trying to get near.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your idealism will be percolating with all sorts of grand visions of your holidays, which can be a source of great inspiration or damnation, depending on the expectations you place on those around you. However, chances improve if you use your expansive imagination, as it seems those around you won’t be on par with your agenda.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Midweek, there’ll be a blip of something that could be remotely romantic in your life, but otherwise this isn’t the perfect moment for love. Surprisingly enough, you won’t care, as you’ll be far too consumed with work and trying to get all those errands done on time to be free enough to enjoy getting properly sloshed and sexed during the holidays.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Secrets are going to pour out, and skeletons in closets that you didn’t think you had will blindside you. Thankfully, this will come just in time to show you that your latest catch isn’t as dull as you had assumed and actually has some edge. Now, with gossip and drama back at your disposable, you’ll be feeling in your element once again.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Finally, you’ll feel as if the universe has some sympathy for you, as that contentious side of your honey will subside and be willing to call a truce long enough to discuss compromise. However, just because he’s talking the right words, until he backs it up with action, don’t sigh that breath of relief quite yet.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

People can badger you all they want and you can ignore them — but when your boo starts throwing his two cents in on the way you should be living, that’s when you have to break out the diva speeches and tell him to stop projecting his crap onto you. While there might be some truth in his accusations, there are other, less rude ways to nag, without killing your holiday buzz.

What A Craigslist Ad Teaches Us About Relationships

Forget self-help books and magazine columns. For dating and relationship advice, I recommend Craigslist. Don’t believe me? Yesterday, I was perusing the New York City section of the site, hoping someone might be unloading a pair of Veronica slouch Frye boots in a size 7, preferably barely used, and hopefully well under the $328 they retail for, when I came across the following ad. The subject header: “Mens clothes, My ex’s xmas gifts he’ll never get, It’s a steal.”

Keep reading »

Relationship Novice: Moving (Your Stuff) In

When you first start dating someone, it usually involves a lot of eating, drinking, and late-night book reading sessions. At the end of all those dates, you normally decide whose place to go to. If you’re like me, and have a roommate (and a railroad apartment), you end up staying at his place. But, after about a dozen times staying over, you realize that the new “bedhead” look you’re sporting to work isn’t looking so hot. Plus, there’s only so many ways you can wear his dress-shirts. (Preppy Wednesday and Friday?)

There comes a point where you aren’t ready to move in yet, but you want to make your stays over there as effortless as possible. Using your boyfriend’s toothbrush and shave gel is romantic for awhile, but if your legs are dry and your teeth are crying for home, it’s time to set up shop. So when do you start making his place your home away from home? Keep reading »

Love 101: When An Angelina Arrives

Every woman I know can share some anecdote regarding that gorgeous female “friend” her boyfriend annoyingly adores. It’s just inevitable. The minute you settle down with the Brad of your dreams, some Angelina shows up like a bee to your honey. Occasionally, she really is “just a friend,” but when her feelings run deeper, well, a woman just knows, and I think we can all agree it puts you in a somewhat awkward—make that insanely frustrating—position.
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Girl Talk: Chicks Before Dicks? Not Always.

It was the end of February when my friend , Mary*, finally consummated her months-long flirtation with Ken*, a former co-worker of hers. It was her first time, though her loss of virginity didn’t seem to faze her. She said it was “alright”, and she assured everyone, Ken included, that it was just physical. Desiring something “just physical” was usually the norm for Mary—I sometimes envied her seeming lack of emotion. I was often hurt by men, while she hurt them. Whether it was Charley or Rory or now Ken, they wanted something she wouldn’t give them.

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Dating By Diagnosis: Six Types Of Guys Gone Mental

Any lady who’s put in her time knows there are a lot of lunatics out there. The bad news is, some of them are scary. The better news is, dating the mentally unstable doesn’t always have to be a negative. Here’s a quick way to take the lemons life tosses your way and turn them, if not into lemonade, into at least something slightly less acidic:

1. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Dude
True, the fact that he needs to touch the doorknob 33 times before you can leave and flips out if his broccoli brushes up against his steak, might get on your nerves. But on the upside, he’ll totally clean your apartment—even that gnarly crud caked behind the toilet. Keep reading »

Romantic Gestures: What Makes Us Gag & What’s Truly Heartwarming

Hate to say it, but some romantic gestures are gross and cheesy and not at all what we want when a guy is trying to make a statement. That said, there are some really, really sweet, kind, funny things a man can do to melt our cold hearts. Here are the ten things we’d seriously rather you not do to woo us, plus ten gestures that really will turn us to mush.

Things That Are Intended To Be Romantic But Provoke Gag Reflex
1. Having your date get down on his knees at a movie theater and serenade you to New Edition’s “Mr. Telephone Man”.
2. Having your date order for you (um maybe I wanted the chicken?)
3. Rolling in money “Indecent Proposal” style. Money is one of the dirtiest and most germ-infested things on the planet.
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Girl Talk: Dating A Bi-Guy

Emotional cripples. Religious zealots. Man-babies. My recent dating roster could serve as a police lineup of degenerates, liars, and serious letdowns. Naturally, I’m hypersensitive to red flags these days. So when a guy I’m interested in tells me that he’s a “bisexual,” shouldn’t I run? Perhaps. But once I got the initial panic out of the way (OK, I called my friend and frantically yelled, “911! 911!”), I let his confession marinate. Then I decided I’m not going anywhere. Or, if I do, it’ll have nothing to do with his half-gayness.
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How To Get Through The First 30 Days Of Your 30′s

You know what you ought to do before you turn 30 (1, 2, 3, 4), but what do you do afterward? Believe it or not, life doesn’t magically come into focus the second that you’re no longer 20-something. Creating the life you want in your 30′s takes work. To make the transition into your new decade as smooth as possible, here are a few tips for navigating those first 30 days. Keep reading »

Welcome To Hell: The Saturn Return

Karma is a bitch; that’s the cliché you intensely learn as you hit the period of your life roughly between the ages of 27 and 31, as Saturn, the planet of reckoning, enters back to the position it was when you were born, throwing you into existential angst, creating merciless upheaval and forcing you to own up to who you are and your potential or sinking pitifully to the bottom. Everything you need to know about the Saturn Return, after the jump… Keep reading »

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