Reader Jill snapped this in NYC.
Zergnet: Simply Irresistible
I have a friend who I have strong feelings for but I don’t know if he will ever have them for me. We have sex together, he’s spent the night here a couple of times and we hang out and flirt. Do you think I will ever get a chance with him? Right now he says he is worried he is not boyfriend material. – Used
There are dealbreakers and then there are dealbreakers—and a past history of domestic violence is a dealbreaker on a lot of people’s list. Salon.com’s advice columnist, Cary Tennis, fielded a question from a former abuser who’s nervous about telling his new girlfriend he physically abused his ex-wife half a dozen times during their marriage.
After divorcing, “Ex-Abuser,” as he signed his letter, entered therapy and said it helped him “understand my reasons for the abuse, and the effect it had on both my wife and our relationship.” Also after the divorce, he and his ex-wife went to therapy together and “the abuse was addressed and some amount of nascent healing took place.”
Now Ex-Abuser is in a new relationship with a woman he seems to want to spend his life with. Trouble is, he hasn’t told her about his past. Not only is he afraid his new girlfriend will ditch him if she knows, but his ex-wife is threatening to spill the beans herself. And that, obviously, would be bad. Keep reading »
I was a little bit unsettled when I read a recent Cary Tennis column on Salon called “I’m 32 already. Time to get married!” I realized that I could have written the question myself (well, I just want to meet someone great). A woman is torn between wanting to meet a life partner and wanting to follow every fun, salacious flirtation that comes her way – because, after all, isn’t that the best part of being single? Tending to choose the latter, she knows that it will not ultimately get her what she wants. Keep reading »
A few days ago, I became convinced that Mr. C had gone on a date with another woman and lied to cover it up. The evidence:
Don’t even try to second-guess anyone’s motives. If you have to get to the bottom of the story, be direct and go for it. Otherwise, if you let your mind wander anymore, it will take you to the darkest and most dramatic conclusions, draining more life from you than necessary. Seriously, your neurosis is much deadlier than anything else that can harm you right now.
If this week doesn’t have you feeling topsy-turvy with your emotions, then consider yourself lucky, as in having a solid life that is impenetrable from the universal forces that are sure to throw some major fireworks into your psyche, having you feeling the effect of decisions you’ve made more intensely and feeling as if you might have to break free from it all.
There won’t be anything holding back your ego this week, as you’ll be hell-bent on reaching the top of the ladder you’ve been climbing. Whatever your ambitions, this is when you will get out-and-out ruthless, being driven by all the subconscious longings you’ve had lodged in your past that need rectification now. To say the least, world watch out!
Finally, it’ll feel as if fate is playing on your side again, as you’ll hear words you need to hear and get opportunities that appear fantastical. No, this isn’t the time when life will follow any rational plotline, but it will be better. Seems you will be in your element, as spontaneity brings more than a few surprises to really wrap your legs around.
By the week’s end, just give into your libido and f**k your brains out. It’ll be the only thing to get you thinking properly again — it will align your chi. Otherwise, all work and no play could be your downfall, as the pressure gets more intense with money issues, power plays and determined frenemies looking to bring you down. You know it: Hop on top and don’t look back!
As long as you can think it is, it’s possible. Even if you only have a fantasy to hold on to, go with it. You have nothing to lose this week if you want to get lost in your head and see your love life with rose-colored glasses. If a miracle is going to happen, it might happen now, and thinking it is the only way to creating it.
All those irritations that made you into a passive-aggressive mess lately are about to get flipped around, putting you into power lady mode and making you very aggressive with those who bug you. Seems this new direct approach will be more than just effective, but downright scary to those around you — which, no doubt, will please you beyond belief.
This week, a switch should be going off in your brain which will suddenly make you see how amazing, incredible, sexy, smart and perfect your baby is for you. Yes, let the groveling begin! Time to pull out all the romantic stops and fly free on the wings of love/lust. Give all that you can, because right about now is when fate says it’s time to pay the piper.
Time to redefine domestic bliss, as your nesting mode goes into overdrive. If you’re with someone, consider yourself booked. If you’re single, then expect to be extra focused on shacking up with someone to close the doors and throw out the key with — which means sharpening your bulls**t meter and passing on those with “potential” for those who are already flexing their might.
As the queen of thinking fast on your feet, this is when your off-the-cuff monologues are going to step up to a whole new award-winning level. The things you will spew won’t only seem insane but fantastical, even to you. However, despite the traffic accident you think you’ll cause, it seems you don’t know it all and that learning something new is in your cards.
Time to put decisions into action and to really test your self-esteem. The strategizing session is over and implanting ideas needs to start now. If this means any last-minute battles with demons, you better be done with them by the 17th. After that, excuses won’t work and you’ll be completely on your own.
You’re not the apologizing type and why should you be? If that someone can’t get who you are and how you operate and expects you to coddle him by lowering your own enthusiasm and strength, it’s time for him to think again. This time around, when it comes to discrepancies in relationship points of view, you should definitely stand your ground.
“I’m a Virgo (9/4/87) and my best friend is a Gemini (6/10/85). He’s perfect (or at least seems that way). We started hanging out last year, but we’ve been BFF ever since. I did like him a lot about six months ago and told him so, but unfortunately he had eyes for another woman at the time. We didn’t talk for a week, but then reconciled and we still talk nearly everyday for hours at a time. We’ve both dated people since then and our dating lives seems like the only topic we can’t discuss unless one of us is having a big problem and need help from the other sex. We’re both seeing other people right now, but I was talking to a mutual friend the other night who told me that my face lit up whenever he texted me or I even made mention of him. I feel like I’ve repressed my feelings for him because I don’t want to get hurt, but is there any chance he likes me too and not in the best friend way? I know I should ask him, but I don’t want to get my heart stomped on again.” – Hopelessly Perplexed
I have, what seems to be, a huge dilemma. I am 22 years old, and have been with my fiancé for a little over two years. I met him when I was getting out of a relationship, and needed to feel wanted, so I had sex with him after about a month. The sex was awkward and uncomfortable, and once we started I really wished I hadn’t, and then two weeks later I found out I was pregnant. We decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend, and seven months later he proposed. The sex hasn’t gotten any better, and I’ve never had an orgasm with him (but I pretend), and I really want to have one, but now I’m just getting less and less interested in having sex because I know it’s just not going to happen. We barely have sex now, and he makes me feel really bad about it, which really turns me off even more than I was. I love him, but maybe we’re just not sexually compatible. What do I do? — Engaged and Confused
I’ve been writing relationship advice for nearly ten years now and the number-one question I get asked—by readers and friends alike—isn’t anything filthy or even fun. It is: “How come I can’t meet anyone?”
Depending on your situation, there are a variety of answers to this question, but mostly, finding someone to tongue wrestle with on a regular basis comes down to a combination of luck and timing. That said, there are things you can do to ensure that you never even come close to falling in love. Keep reading »