Young Marriage: What’s The Rush?
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
9:00AM, Tuesday April 28th 2009
It wasn’t so long ago (1980, to be exact) that the average age of American women marrying for the first time was 22. Less than 30 years later, the average age for a first marriage has jumped to 26 for women and 28 for men. In a recent column for the Washington Post, Mark Regnerus argues that this trend is dangerous because women are putting off marriage during their most “marketable” years, before they have to “beg, pray, borrow and pay to reclaim” their fertility. He writes: “Marriages that begin at age 20, 21 or 22 are not nearly so likely to end in divorce as many presume,” but he certainly fails to convince me, a 32-year-old woman not quite married for the first time yet.
Reading Regnerus’ column, I’m not sure why he so strongly advocates for young marriages. I mean, sure, I understand that women are most fertile in their 20s, but that doesn’t mean that: a) everyone who eventually marries wants to have kids, or b) women can’t get pregnant past their 20s, or c) couples will only be satisfied parents if they conceive their children biologically. Regnerus cites the economic benefits of pooling resources in a marriage, something he seems to suggest doesn’t work as well for couples who simply cohabitate, because they are “categorically less stable” and “far more prone to division” than married couples. Fine, but I guess I still don’t understand the push for couples marrying in their early 20s, when most barely know who they are, let alone who they’re going to grow into.
The average age for first marriages isn’t on the rise because, as Regnerus argues, we’re all obsessed with Facebook, Twitter, and “hitting the clubs.” It’s risen because we have more options than ever before. While he thinks adding a “postgraduate education to a college degree,” a “visible amount of career success and a healthy helping of wealth,” and “sexual variety for several years” are terrible things, I fail to see how they’re worse than being locked into a marriage at 21 with someone you could very well outgrow as you evolve.
Ah, but marriage is meant to be a “formative institution,” Regnerus argues, “not an institution you enter once you think you’re fully formed.” He says we’re supposed to “learn marriage,” and I agree with that, but why can’t you learn marriage after you’ve learned yourself a bit first? I’m getting married for the first time this summer at 32 (a few weeks shy of my 33rd birthday), six years past the national average and after five years of collective cohabitation (between a previous relationship and my current one), and I still think I have a lot to learn about forming a union and a life with another person. In fact, I don’t think I’ve even begun to scratch the surface of what there is to know about marriage. But I do know a lot more about myself than I did ten years ago, and armed with that self-knowledge I feel a heck of a lot more prepared and confident making a lifelong commitment to another person.
I shudder to think how my life may have turned out had I married the man I was in love with at 21. To say nothing of the guy, I just didn’t know what I wanted in life yet. I had no idea whether I wanted to settle in an urban area or live in a small college town. I didn’t know what I wanted to do for a career, or whether I wanted to have children or not. I simply was not ready for marriage, was not ready to commit to another person when I could barely commit to having salad for lunch. And my situation was not unique. Without the familial or societal pressures to marry young, many of my peers used their 20s to travel, try different career interests, pursue advanced degrees, and, yes, some even enjoyed “sexual variety.” All of these things not only gave them a wider perspective and greater appreciation of the choices they have in this country, they also provided insight into what makes them happiest and most fulfilled. No, they aren’t “fully formed” now, if by “fully formed” we mean “done growing and learning,” but they are certainly steadier and more sure of themselves than they were as kids just out of college.
One final point that Regnerus makes is that the secret to making a marriage work isn’t about finding a good match, something my single friends may be surprised to learn: “it’s about mentalities: such things as persistent and honest communication, conflict-resolution skills, the ability to handle the cyclical nature of so much of marriage, and a bedrock commitment to the very unity of the thing.” In other words, the secret to making a marriage work isn’t waiting until you find the right person, it’s sticking it out when you’re stuck with the wrong one. Um, no thanks, Mr. Regnerus — I think I like my way better. [via The Washington Post via XX Factor]
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Amelia
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 09:16 am: [report]
If I had gotten married at 22, I would be a 29-year-old divorcee, which sounds glamorous, but not fun.
Little Lamb
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 09:21 am: [report]
I don’t think there is anything wrong with marrying young or marrying old…er.
However, I do believe that those who marry young and “grow together” have it somewhat easier when it comes to living together. It is easier when habits are formed together, rather than trying to break old habits formed from living independently.
joyy
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 09:32 am: [report]
I wish his article had used to pros of young marriage to simply make the case that girls who do seek it shouldn’t feel pressured.
And while I don’t think I’ll ever want to get married, it does make me sad that the girls he mentions as examples in his article feel like they’re being forced to live a life that isn’t their own. I mean, feminism is about having the freedom to make the choices you want, right?
As for women marrying older affecting fertility and the birth rate, I really REALLY wish this would just translate into more couples adopting.
There are SO many infants and children in the system in this country who badly need a loving home - imagine the difference that would make in our society if those children were taken in by stable, loving couples instead of bouncing through foster care and institutions.
I don’t think an article like this really holds its weight until we see a problematic decline in the birthrate, which isn’t the current situation in the US.
Alison Wonderland
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 09:33 am: [report]
I think a lot of young girls are enamored by the idea of having a wedding, but don’t quite grasp the reality of having a husband.
At 22 I cringe when I hear about girls my own age getting engaged. Times have changed in the last 30 years. Now girls are attending college, starting careers, and delaying becoming Mother’s. In a fairly loose sense 22 is sort of the new 18 when it comes to independence. For myself I know that I want to be financially stable and capable of taking care of myself- or well on my way- before I consider marriage. Right now I’m no where close to that. Most 22 year old guys I know aren’t either…
lalaland
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 09:41 am: [report]
I came very close to being a 22 year old bride and I think it would have been the biggest mistake of my life. Only a year later and I know I have changed and grown to the point that I would have been miserable. Maybe some people are ready for marriage at an early age, but for most I think there is still a lot of growing to be done in your 20’s.
“You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.”
DesertLorelei
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 09:49 am: [report]
@ Joyy:
I agree 100%—feminism is supposed to be about choice. I chose not to get married when I was 20, 21, and 22, and I’m still unmarried at 26. It’s just not the direction my life has taken. My mother married my father when she was 18, had two kids by the time she was 23, and was divorced by age 26. Young marriage didn’t work out for her, but I know it’s worked out well for other couples. Marriage isn’t a one-size-fits-all-relationships kind of thing, and the sooner people like Mark Regenerus realize that, the less pressure people in my age group will feel to conform to some societal ideal.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 09:51 am: [report]
Putting off marriage and kids, sounds like a sub-plot to a movie….oh yeah it is….IDIOCRACY.
lovely_j
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 09:56 am: [report]
I was drunk, puking on bar tables, and crying over toilets at 21. I wouldn’t consider myself marriage material at the time. There is a big difference in maturity level between 21 and 26 (and the 21 year-old me at the time would bitch at me, “hey, i’m a big girl what are you talking about?!”) I knew I was turning into a “big girl” when I’d rather pull an all-nighter for grad school than spend a night dancing in bars.
20, 21 and 22 year-olds think they are ready to marry their college boyfriend, but it turns into a horrible reality when they’re marrying their drinking partner. The relationship is inherently immature and the sex isn’t as great as you thought it was when you aren’t hammered.
A mature love after the college and career has gone into full swing is light years of a difference from that college frat boy you dated.
I recommend living by yourself for a year, getting your single girl party on, screw every sexy guy you can find, and find that special guy that treats you like a living Goddess.
marshmallows
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 09:56 am: [report]
While I am completely fine with the fact that I am over 22 and not married, I have to admit that the closer and closer I get to 30, the more I think about my waning fertility. So as long as the median stays 26, I guess I’ll be fine.
That being said, if was entirely single instead of in a long-term relationship, I probably wouldn’t give a crap. =P
jojo32
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 10:02 am: [report]
@ Amelia - um, it’s not glamorous. I was a 23 year old bride and I’m a 28 year old divorcee. LOL Hey, I thought I was ready, I had full intentions of being his wife forever. But it’s true, I did change. Sadly, he did not. I dont blame him and I dont blame myself. We should have grown together, but we didnt, we grew apart. My dad was 21 when he married my mom (she’s older), and by the time he was 26 he had 3 kids! My parents are still together, 32 years later. I really think the fact that women have more choices, career-wise especially, is a BIG reason why they dont stay in marriages that arent working for them. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing is up to the individual to decide. For me = GOOD!
retro chic
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 10:08 am: [report]
This just smacks of more opportunistic attempts by religious conservatives to dispense their multi-agenda to get “girls” married off (the streets) earlier, barefoot and pregnant, when they are more “malleable.” You had to see this coming from an Associate Professor of Sociology and Religious Studies.
http://www.markregnerus.com/
Little Lamb
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 10:08 am: [report]
But marriage can do the same things to a person that a baby does…it can very easily “cure” that “getting drunk and puking over a toilet” phase, as you are thinking about someone other than yourself and working with someone else to create a happy life.
I’m not married, but my parents were married very young. I did, however, have a baby at 19. I can see how these two situations are similar. I understand I missed out on many opportunities and experiences because of my little girl (and I am VERY different because of it—-I grew into being a mother), but there is no way that the things I missed/miss out on compare to the happiness of being a mother. I’m sure this can translate to young marriages.
I just think that people should be able to choose how they want to be happy, and there is no formula which fits everyone.
Jessalyn
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 10:09 am: [report]
I like your way better too!
I’m not quite two years out of college and have at least a dozen friends and acquaintances - all about my age - getting married in the next year and a half. Some of them I think will be blissfully happy, and some of them I worry about because I don’t think they know themselves well enough to incorporate another person so fully into their lives without losing something of their own identity in the process. I know it would take an extremely important relationship (as it should!) right now for me to even consider getting married in the next four or five years, since I’m still feeling out independent adulthood and figuring out what I ultimately want to do with my life and where I want to live.
In an age when people are living extremely long, full lives, why not take a few years to make absolutely certain the person you’re marrying is the right person for you to commit to for the rest of yours? If they are, they’ll be just as right a little further down the road.
risatrix
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 10:22 am: [report]
I’m over 30 and have cohabited twice; both relationships were fine, and could have resulted in marriage had I wanted it. But I decided instead that I never want to get married in the traditional sense, and now opt for commitment without cohabitation. So I agree that marriage shouldn’t be a given—we have some other options here!
Most of the women I know who did get married in their twenties are divorced. I don’t think marriage is a “formative” experience at all. I think it’s a choice that anyone can make when and if they’re ready; it may grow into something great or you may grow apart. I think the former is more likely if you know who you really are.
And why is still OK to use the word “marketable” for women? I think *I’m* going to be the one to decide when I’m off the market.
og217
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]
I think the comment about college and cdareers makes complete sense. If you were out of school at 18 and had to live with your parents until marriage, with not much to do but maybe a part time job at the local library, how long would YOU last? Of course women married at 22, if not sooner. Now that everyone has more options and can actually accomplish things, as well as live as you pretty much please, there’s mor eof an emphasis on finding the right person than on finding Mr.-Get-Me-Out-Of-Mom’s-House.
Rose
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 10:58 am: [report]
I’m 38 and have been married for 17 years. That’s right. I was 21 (he was 28). And we are happily together. And it was the right decision, FOR US. I wouldn’t advise anyone to marry young, or not to for that matter, because people want different things and mature at different rates and have different expectations from marriage and from life. But I’d be rich if I had a dollar for every time I’ve been told I was “too young” to get married. That’s frankly as insulting as being told to hurry up and get married before you’re infertile or all the good men or gone, or whatever. How about live and let live?
Davidseattle
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 11:06 am: [report]
I recall from freakonomics that the divorce rate for people who get married before 25 is 2x that of those who get married after (If anyone has a copy kicking around please correct me if I got that wrong).
kristy1584
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 11:09 am: [report]
I got married at 19 and believe it or not no one at the time asked me the famous question “what are you thinking?” Had they asked I still probably wouldve gotten married. The point is, I got married young. In my opinion looking back, TOO young! Im now 23 and divorced… Do I regret it? No. Would I go back and do things differently? YES! I dont think anyone should get married if they arent at least old enough to legally consume alcohol at their wedding…Im positive proof of the old saying “hind sight is 20/20”
MtnMama
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 11:27 am: [report]
I really don’t think it was Regnerus’ attempt to ostracize or shun those individuals who have chosen not to get married in their early twenties and for Atterberry to suggest so is a bit misleading.
I believe that Regnerus’ column was merely trying to highlight some of the risks that are associated with postponing marriage into later years, and especially in regards to fertility and conception.
Of coarse it’s a woman’s right to chose if and when she wants to get married and have children but we cannot forget that there are some biological limits that are associated with all of nature’s organisms.
As you know, fertility decreases with age and the risk of birth deformities increases with age, so women who would like to have children of their own someday ought to consider these facts. Also, personally I would like to be a younger mother because I know that I will be able to be there for my children for as long as I can. If a woman wants to have a child at the age of 45- by all means, why should I care at what age a woman has a child? However, I can’t help but imagine that child, when in his/her 30s, suffering the loss of their parent(s)due to old age. What’s more concerning to me are the men that become fathers in their 60s because they may pass away before their child even graduates high school.
In the end, I don’t really care if individuals are choosing to get married later in life, I just hope, as I’m sure Regnerus does, that those who do realize the potential risks of having children later in life. Cheers.
Humble Bee
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 11:44 am: [report]
I actually never want to get married, the whole ceremony and big wedding bash looks awsome n’ all, but I just don’t see myself getting married and having kids. My mom has 8 kids and I’m the eldest, I feel like Iv’e been a mother all my life, seriously. I get home, help kids with their homework, listen to what happened at school, I have a freaking time slot for each kid just to make sure they get the attention they need. I know my parents aren’t the THEE greatest at parenting because my mom had me when she was 16, imagine that. I would never in a million years, picture myself as a mother at 16. She’s been with my dad ever since, so its 21 years already with 8 kids. People always ask how they do it to still be together. Its funny because they are not even legally married, just together. Having kids at an early age, or getting married does make you more mature because you have reponsibilities other than yourself. BUT I feel like I wouldn’t be able to offer as much as I would if I were older. You have way more experience and knowledge to share. Don’t get me wrong, I feel so fortunate to have young parents, they were always so understanding. Once I got sooo loaded in Hollywood, I couldnt even walk, so I called my mom and dad to pick me up. I would rather call them than any other friend. I actually, honestly dont have friends. I hang out with my parents and 1 HS friend. Thats how close we are. So there is always 2 sides to a coin. BUT i still dont want to marry, at least not at this point in my life. really, whats the rush?
retro chic
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 11:48 am: [report]
Amen, Rose, “live and let live,” and I would add “and do it with purpose.” ...
I say, do what you want and are ready for, tho, you will wonder where the time went. For pesky friends and family, just ignore them. And, these conservative wolves in experts’ clothing targeting the young, like Regnerus, are the easiest to ignore.
Tamara
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 11:53 am: [report]
@ Amelia, I would have been a 21 year old divorcee, I’m glad we were both procrastinating on actually setting a date and doing it because the divorce would have been costly in some ways and easy in others.
EarthGoddess
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 01:19 pm: [report]
I was a 26 year old divorcee. I married for the first time when I was barely 21 and had been with my ex since I was 16. I had dated several guys before him, but was settled down at 16 with a someone I was with because we had all the same friends and it was instantly comfortable and easy. It was also nice to know I had a guaranteed date to events and wouldn’t have any lonely weekends. However, it was never exciting, we had little in common other than each other and our mutual friends. Our marriage lasted less than 5 years, and I was on my way out the door for over 2 years before I ended it for good. It was a painful divorce for him, but blissful for me. I was finally honest with myself and it was great! I remarried less than a year after getting divorced, which is very quick I’ll admit, but it’s a different marriage than my first since I know myself better now and know what I want from life. I also know that it takes work to keep a marriage going, and that finding the RIGHT person is essential. Waiting until you’re older is definitely the way to go!
shannac02
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 01:21 pm: [report]
In my neck of the hood, it goes a little something like this: graduate high school, go to college, part way through college marry high school sweetheart, graduate college, have babies, divorce 10 years later. Now, given, I’m from a small town and only graduated with 23 people, but, I kid you not, only 3 of us are not married right now at the age of 24!!!!!! WTF?
develange
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 01:23 pm: [report]
There is no rush. But maybe that’s because I ignore my “ticking biological clock.”
I’m 22 and I can’t believe women (girls?)I know are getting married and have children. I’m still figuring my #&@$% out, learning, and hopefully maturing. Maybe these women are freakishly mature or something.
I can envision myself marrying my boyfriend, but still, what’s the rush? I’d rather get married when I’m secure, mature, and know exactly what I want ... and who knows when the hell that will be.
EarthGoddess
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 01:28 pm: [report]
@shannac02: Sounds like a lot of my friends ... only one of the couples that married young like I did the first time is still together. They are the most miserable couple I’ve ever seen ... fight all the time. They also admit that the only reason they’re still together is because they’ve always been together and wouldn’t know what to do with their lives outside of the relationship. I know where they’re coming from, since I was the same way for years, but it’s sad to see them wasting their lives and raising a child in an unhappy home.
Keesh Mia
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 07:09 pm: [report]
Idiots make good entertainment. Thank you for the colorful piece of writing, Mr. Regnerus. Even creationists get a say in the world so why not you?
wonder_bread
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 08:08 pm: [report]
im twenty and i want to get married after i get out of college and get a job. which will be maybe around twenty two. at this very moment i can say i know myself i know what i want out of life.high school wasn’t typical for me. i didn’t spend my time trying to fit in and make tons of friends. i actually used that time to get to know myself and develope my own identity. i know that as u get older you grow and change but thats just life in general.i get concerned for my peers when they get married for the weddinb instead of the marriage. And i don’t like the past in the article where it says"c) couples will only be satisfied parents if they conceive their children biologically. ” -that thinking right there is why we have octo-mom.. people juicing their bodies up with hormones they could of produced themselves had they been more hasty about their body’s time.
MSK
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 09:37 am: [report]
I really hate this “one size fits all” marriage advice. Get married young, don’t get married young. Please! Get married when you meet the right guy and it feels right. Whether thats at 22 or 32, it is a personal decision that nobody but you and your significant other can make. There is no magic age that can guarantee a happy marriage. And, whenever you decide to get married, you have to work at it every day and both sides have to make hir or her spouse’s satisfaction the highest priority.
jessicapauline
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 11:24 am: [report]
msk, so well said!! i love that someone finally put that concept out there.
rsonnack
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 11:51 am: [report]
I agree, you should get married when you meet the right guy and it just feels right. However, it’s so easy i think for young women to rush into marriage because they’re in love with having a wedding and the idea of being married, but they don’t know what it’s going to be like once they’re actually married. So in their mind, it feels right, but it might not really be.
I also agree that the fear of declining fertility with age should not be a reason to get married young. If you are so hell-bent on having biological children, then just work really hard to figure out who you are during high school and college so you are ready to get married in your early 20s. Otherwise, take your time and get married when you want to, and if you want kids, and you end up not being able to have biological kids, you can adopt!!
I’m with @not_sugarcoated, I was also very independent in high school, and I’m already very secure in who I am and what I want out of life. I’m 20 and living with my boyfriend who’s 22, and we are pretty sure we will get married (if it was up to him we’d be married already) but I tell him all the time “not until I graduate and get a good job!”
missduplicity
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 12:54 pm: [report]
I was married at 19.
Aside from the religious (my parents’, not mine) shot-gun reasons, I think I just wanted to grasp on to some semblance of stability. Marriage was a success symbol, and having my son without also having a marriage would make me trash, or so I thought. I assumed, and was indeed reassured by parents and peers, that I could not succeed as a young, single mother - that I could not rise above ths stigma without a man to both validate and support me.
I believed them, and, I was wrong. At the time, I assumed that marriage would make little difference to us—my partner and I were already living together, had a baby on the way, and were completely and utterly wrapped up in each other. I felt like we already had the marriage commitment, without the paperwork. So, I signed the documents, wore the dress, and legally bound myself to the man I was in love with.
I was also wrong about the way that marriage would or wouldn’t effect us. Marriage, and childbirth, changes everyone. I become a very driven, motivated person. I wanted to succeed and live well, to provide for my son the kind of lifestyle, and example, that would turn him into a productive and successful person as well. My husband…became envious of the amount of time other guys his age got to drink beer and play Guitar Hero.
Marriage comes with expectations that, as 20-something-year-old kids, most of us aren’t really able to articulate, or to generate for the benefit of another person. I could meet my husband’s needs - cooking, cleaning,support when he was upset - but I could not meet the expectation that I would put aside my personal goals - or what I felt was in the best interest for our son - so that he could buy a Wii with our extra tax money.
Ultimately, it was our own immaturity - and stubbornness - that has estranged us. At the present time, we are still together, but, we live essentially separate lives. We want different things, and I suppose it is just a matter of time before we let go of pretenses and are, finally, honest with each other.
Young marriage is a bold, risky step, which pays of for a few, but, more often, ends in disaster. My only hope is that more people who enter a marriage young, will enter it seriously, and honestly, with no idealized version of their lives overtaking the reality, and that my son will eventually forgive his father and I for wanting that picture-perfect union more than we wanted to do what was going to make us the happiest, best (single) parents around.
EarthGoddess
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 01:45 pm: [report]
@missduplicity: Bravo! Sounds like we have a lot in common. However, I couldn’t continue to live the lie like you are. My ex husband was shocked and hurt when I confessed my unhappiness ... I guess I was a better actress than I gave myself credit for! I felt terrible when I told him I was moving back to my parents’ and even more terrible when I relocated with our daughter to move to my husband’s hometown. Now that I have a whole new life established, I realize it was all for the best and I couldn’t have lived such an unhappy life. It’s also better for my daughter since she won’t grow up with an unhappy mother and a clueless father. I was too young to realize this at the time, but I really wish I had waited to meet my husband and married ONLY him.
missduplicity
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 01:53 pm: [report]
@EarthGoddess…
I’m quite sure we’re headed in a similar route, but, he isn’t as clueless as I’d like to think. In reality, I’m quite sure we both know that the relationship is spoilt—we make great friends, and I genuinely enjoy spending time with him, but we are completely incompatible as marital partners, because I believe in an equal share of responsibilities, and he believes in no responsibilities at all. I think that, at this point, he is also weighing his options and seeking something fresher, but, he thinks *I* am clueless and in love, while I (used to) think that HE is. We are simply not ready to come to terms with what the relationship is…coming from an extremely religious background, it’s hard for us to give up simply because we are unable to deal with disappointing others.
Since my son is young, I just focus on giving him as much attention and love as possible…I save the fighting for when he is in bed. If there comes a point (and there likely will) that my continuing a marriage relationship with his father is no longer in my son’s best interest, then I’ll be out before you can blink twice, but, at this point, I feel like it’s easier to explain “Oh, mommy’s just sad because she has a headche” to my 3-year-old than to explain to him why daddy is moving out.
EarthGoddess
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 02:01 pm: [report]
@missduplicity: I’m truly sorry to hear that you’re basically trapped in an unhappy marriage. You sound like a wonderful mother, so I’m sure you’ll do what’s best for your son. Good luck to you!
missduplicity
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 02:03 pm: [report]
@EarthGoddess…
I will. I’m only trapped so long as I want to be, and I’m sure the day will come when we either work out something new, or don’t. This “in between time” is only the time that we need to convince ourselves of what we really want.
Karmatir
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 02:16 pm: [report]
I was married at 23. Divorced by 26. Why? He developed a mental illness (one of those that doesn’t appear til your mid-20s) the likes of which I could not help or compete with. Mental illness won and nothing I could do could save our marriage. Do I regret marrying young then? Nah. Just wish I would have waiting awhile longer.
alwaysMispelled
wrote on April 29 2009 @ 06:07 pm: [report]
I’m 25, my boyfriend and I have discussed marriage on numerous occasions, but no immediate plans—And that’s because of me. I don’t feel ready to get married. When we speak of the future, it’s always implied that we’ll be together, married.
It’s simple, I don’t feel that I have #&@$% together. And I don’t feel that he does either. I’m working on it, and so is he. Maybe one day we’ll get married. I’m in no rush. He knows I love him, I know he loves me. I’ve never been so close to someone, shared so much, been so honest. I don’t want us to start a marriage on a rocky foundation—it will only lead to disaster.
IrinaGonzalez
wrote on May 1 2009 @ 10:36 am: [report]
I’m 23 and I have a couple friends that are married or getting married soon. It’s always surprising to me when someone gets married before 25- but the couples I’ve seen do that are couples that (I believe) are truly committed to their relationship and the idea of it lasting “forever”. I think young marriages can be great- for some people. But for the most part, I think marrying older makes more sense because, as everyone else has said, you kinda need to know what the heck you’re doing with your life before you committ to someone and THEIR life. In the end, if young marriage is for you and it works out- GREAT! (it did for my parents, who married at 22) but older marriage is graet too- and, like most things in life, there isn’t really “one way” that it should be… different things for different people!
sossamonster
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 02:29 am: [report]
I’m either getting married this December or sometime next year, and I’m about to turn 22. He’s 24. My fiance lives in England, so I think the rush with us is to just start the immigration process and get him over here. Everything would be so much easier if he lived her and I don’t know if we’d rush into marriage or not - pretty sure we would though. It’s something we both really want.
vampchicksam
wrote on May 4 2009 @ 06:34 pm: [report]
I think young marriages can work but of course some end in divorice but so do people who marry later. From watching my parents its seem to be how well you adapt to each other, and wheter you love each other enough and are stubborn enough to pull through hard times, and live life to the full in good times. I like to be married soon but I did choose to go away to uni and its good. Its all about choice! And ladies and gents its ours to make!
loveitlala
wrote on May 31 2009 @ 08:20 am: [report]
“it’s about mentalities: such things as persistent and honest communication, conflict-resolution skills, the ability to handle the cyclical nature of so much of marriage, and a bedrock commitment to the very unity of the thing.”
This is so true. You can find as good of a match as possible, but there will always be reasons to divorce if neither of you have the quailties necessary to form a life-long committment. I really don’t think finding the right guy is a problem for the well-adjusted girl. After a year of dating, I can spot my preferences like a hawk. Most of my preferences have to do with having the qualities listed in the above quote.
nitsnitz
wrote on June 29 2009 @ 05:20 am: [report]
It is not advisable to get married younger. It’s great to take <A >marriage advice</A> from a marriage counselor, because whatever relationship makeover advice he will give, is based on the biblical principle and faith based marriage counseling is considered as a complete recovery of relationship conflict which occur due to age difference between male and female. Advice is effective because it force couples towards God’s beliefs, which is responsible for behavior modification of couples. And this also teaches families and couples how to communicate better, gain trust, increase intimacy. This is a traditional way of marriage counseling. It can also resolve the divorce problems effectively and durably.
http://www.marriage-counselors.net/couples-problems/Free-Marriage-Relationships-Advice.htm