Would You Rather Be Married or Happy?
Posted by: DivineCaroline.com
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Saturday November 7th 2009
On “Oprah,” I watched a segment on women living in Copenhagen, Denmark. I was struck by the comments of one particular woman. She was tall, lean, blonde, 44 years old, and enjoying her singleness.
Denmark has been named by researchers as the happiest country in the world. There is free health care, free college (as a matter of fact, students are actually paid to attend college), a year paid maternity leave, and four years support if you lose your job.
How is this paid for? A 50 percent tax rate. Yet these beautiful women that Oprah interviewed were glowing with happiness. The 44-year-old single woman commented that because she is financially secure, she doesn’t need to be married to be happy. Oprah described how different it is in the States were women obsess over being married. Or better said, they obsess about GETTING married, not being married.
That really got me to thinking. I have two friends who are desperate to be married. Beautiful, intelligent … actually tall, lean blondes in their thirties who are so anxious about NOT being married that they are a wreck. Read more ...
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
misspixie
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 10:10 am: [report]
I would much rather be happy. I am happily single and totally loving it just being me. I am enjoying how self indulgent I can be. I am sure marriage is wonderful if you are with the right person, but I wouldn’t want to settle for the sake of it. Life’s too short.
White Mushroom
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 10:19 am: [report]
I am very happy and I’m married. I just happened to find the right person. Anyway this article doesn’t change my mind about marriage, it just makes me want to move to Denmark. It sounds just like Canada except for the free college.
C.Munro
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 10:45 am: [report]
I wish more people in the States had this outlook, and yes, I do agree it is better to be happy than, well, anything really.
ootie grl
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 10:56 am: [report]
I think its better to be happy than married. Marriage shouldnt be your ultimate goal. It should be being happy with yourself first.
Gingee
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 11:10 am: [report]
Happiness wins.
Not even a close race.
For those of you who think that signing that property contract will make you happy, dream on, and remmeber a housekeeper is much cheaper than a divorce.
Gingee
tattooed_redhead
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 12:24 pm: [report]
Why is this even a question? It makes me sad that so many women equate marriage (and children) with happiness - that they truly feel they cannot be happy unless they are married.
The quote from the article sums it up - they obsess about GETTING married, not BEING married. It’s so true. So many women’s dreams of marriage end at the altar, and then they wonder why they aren’t living happily ever after. You need to take care of yourself first, then the happiness comes.
draymond
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 01:19 pm: [report]
Of course happiness wins. If being married won over happiness then there would be no divorces! Duh!
I don’t think that it is financial security that your thirtysomething friends are fretting over. I think it is emotional security. They see the pool of marriage-worthy men drying up fast and don’t want to end up the gal at the end of the bar making do with one night stands with whoever is still around at closing time.
Lynn
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 05:33 pm: [report]
I don’t think this is a fair question. So many women won’t be happy going to bed alone for the rest of their lives. The reason they want to have a husband is because they are unhappy without one.
I obviously don’t need a husband now but if I was 50 and single, I bet I would be down about it too. Marriage is one of the few things I know I want in this life, so I’m not sure I could really feel fulfilled in my life if I died without having a husband. I think if you’re happily single, you aren’t one of the women who want a husband in the first place. And if you want a husband, it’s probably hard to be single. I know there are a lot of people who are ambivalent about whether or not they get married, but I would hazard a guess that most people know one way or the other.
C.Munro
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 06:38 pm: [report]
I don’t want this to sound harsh, but that sounds like a psychological problem to me. Expecting happiness to come solely from a relationship with another person puts far too much pressure on the relationship, and is a near-sure recipe for disappointment.
I think our culture has an unhealthy preoccupation with romantic relationships, and it is causing a lot of people to convince themselves they’ll never be happy so long as they’re single.
majicksand
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 07:25 pm: [report]
I don’t think Lynn meant that a person’s happiness should be solely based on a relationship. I was happy with myself before I got married, but my husband enhances my life in a way that no one else does. I like who I am, but I don’t want to spend my life alone either. Ultimately I think it’s fair to say that my happiness, at least in part, is tied to my marriage.
DancingGeek
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 08:27 pm: [report]
@CMunro, you are so right. We start watching Disney movies with princesses when we are young and develop unrealistic expectations of what relationships should be.
And about slleping alone- it is the BEST thing ever, absolute paradise! All the covers are mine, all the pillows are mine, and no one’s snoring keeps me awake.
C.Munro
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 08:47 pm: [report]
I love this too, as well as having complete control over the thermostat. Mmmmm.
TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on November 7 2009 @ 10:44 pm: [report]
I think the question should be more clearly stated. I think that given the choice, most people would choose happiness over anything (a relationship, a new house, a million dollars, no-strings-attached sex whenever desired, free pizza and beer delivered to your front door, whatever). “Happiness” implied that you are…uh, happy with whatever situation you have and that you aren’t looking for anything else to make you happy, because you are already there. It’s like asking if you would like to be happy, or would you rather be something else? Would you like to be miserable, or would you rather be something else? It is a silly question to ask.
SCRMOM
wrote on November 8 2009 @ 09:28 am: [report]
Happiness and marriage are not mutually exclusive. However, if you aren’t happy with yourself, you’re not going to be happy in a marriage. I think this is a mistake that some people make - they think marriage will create instant happiness.
develange
wrote on November 8 2009 @ 09:41 am: [report]
AGH, why does The Frisky page keep refreshing? Makes leaving comments nearly impossible.
Confused whether this article is talking solely about marriage or includes a happy committed relationship. Sure, this woman isn’t married and is bursting with joy, but for all we know she has a harem of 50 men living at her house.
Sure, marriage shouldn’t be a sole factor of a woman’s/man’s happiness, but it’s definitely OK if it plays a part. Being in a loving, trusting relationship (or relationships, if you’re poly) is AWESOME.
I get why some people think that a marriage solidifies or legitimizes a relationship, but it’s not like married people don’t flake or cheat!
eden
wrote on November 8 2009 @ 10:40 am: [report]
I obsess about getting married - but my partner of eight years and I are excited about celebrating our relationship at last and having a massive ol’ party. But we don’t NEED to get married - nothing will change apart from being really poor after the wedding!- as we already live together, have a joint bank account, bla bla bla.
If I were single I couldn’t think of anything worse than obsessing over getting married to a man I hadn’t even met. In fact I’m going to call my friends and tell them to shoot me if I ever get like that.
mayorbubbles
wrote on November 8 2009 @ 10:44 am: [report]
i’d much rather be happy because if i’ve obtained happiness, what else matters?
TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on November 8 2009 @ 11:05 am: [report]
@develange
Thanks—I thought it was just me! I kept writing long posts, then they would vaporize and I would have to start over! I finally figured out that I should write my posts in Notepad, then cut and paste. I thought it was a problem with my computer. I’m glad to see it is “technical difficulties beyond my control!”
Dolores
wrote on November 8 2009 @ 01:48 pm: [report]
The question is ridiculous. Marriage and happiness are not mutually exclusive. A better question is this: would you rather be single or in a committed relationship? I think companionship is a basic human need, and a committed relationship helps to meet that need. Just for clarification: the woman interviewed on Oprah was in a committed relationship with a man with whom she had children.
txninmn
wrote on November 8 2009 @ 07:47 pm: [report]
@DancingGeek – don’t even get me started on Disney’s castration of fairy tales! They have completely ruined an entire means not only of enculturation but of instruction; the damage which has been done to both sexes resonates across our society at very deep levels.
Anyways. Sorry, lit major on a soapbox.
Happiness over marriage, no need to even get in the ring on that one. If someone can combine both, honestly and without pretence or overly much compromise, that’s great, but I don’t believe that happiness should be dependent upon marriage. So often it seems that unhappiness comes along with marriage instead, perhaps because our culture has set such ridiculously high standards of perfection for the institution.
canadiancutie
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 03:46 am: [report]
”I think our culture has an unhealthy preoccupation with romantic relationships, and it is causing a lot of people to convince themselves they’ll never be happy so long as they’re single.”
I disagree. I think it’s completely natural to want romantic relationships. It’s a rather recent development in our culture that women are being told happiness is derived from basically everything else. And so they spend the first 30- or so years pursuing other things, only to come to a point where they feel cheated because they realize they have been silencing what they truly DO want. These are the same women who tell themselves in college that they are completely satisfied with brief and random hookups and casual friends-with-benefits arrangements because it allows them to focus on school and is “less messy” than being in a relationship. As for myself, I was content when I was single, but I’m happy now, being in love. I’m not saying I need that piece of paper to validate the fact that I am happy, but at least for me, finding a life mate and falling in love contributed immensely to taking it up a notch to me actually being HAPPY, rather than just contented, and I think that is completely and wholly natural.
canadiancutie
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 03:51 am: [report]
The other thing I’ve noticed is that people who are truly happy don’t try and force their lifestyle on other people. I’ve noticed that some married people try and shame you for not being married or wanting to be; other singles will intimidate you for being happily coupled, accusing you of co-dependency… it makes me wonder, how happy can these people truly be if they’re so invested in other people living exactly like they do? I’m in love and genuinely happy, and as a result of that I’m not sitting there telling other people they need to be the same in order to be happy.
cooldad
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 03:47 pm: [report]
Thinking that a marriage will make an unhappy person happy is like thinking that having a kid will improve a bad marriage
tattooed_redhead
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 10:53 pm: [report]
@ cooldad - *applause*!!!