Would You Dump A Guy If You Found Out He Hit His Ex?

joyy
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 10:42 am: [report]

“I believe people can change their mentally ill ways and behave healthily again.”  I understand that this article is ultimately supportive of recovery, and that’s a great thing.

However, it is a horrible, horrible sentence that smacks of the idea that the cure to mental illness is simply willpower, thereby undermining the fact that mental illnesses are brain disorders.  Please rewrite this.  It makes you look bad.

Riley
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 10:49 am: [report]

Exactly; if the person is truly reformed, past transgressions that have been paid for shouldn’t ruin the rest of their life.

If his ex-wife has forgiven him, I’m assuming she did since they made progress in therapy and she hasn’t spilled the beans yet, then others should as well.  I think if she didn’t, she might have told his current girlfriend sooner.

skywalk
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]

In the case he has obviously identified and owned up to his bad behavior and took serious steps to change it.  so I would give this guy a second chance but I would watch for any warning signs.  As you would do with an ex addict or such.

Red_Lady
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 10:56 am: [report]

I’d disagree that that statement claims that “the cure to mental illness is simply willpower”.  I think she’s just saying that there are therapies out there that can help.

HitOrMissJudy
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 11:00 am: [report]

I read the original column and he’s only going to tell this woman because he’s afraid his ex will beat him to the punch (pun(ch) intended). He also claims the ex-wife is merely being malicious by doing this—meaning maybe couples therapy didn’t go as well as he’s painted it. Bad sign. There are enough nice guys in the world that you don’t need to take a chance on someone who’s already proven himself to be violent.

MadMax
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 11:03 am: [report]

Deal breaker for me. I would always be wondering what the next thing will be that will make him snap again. I won’t walk on eggshells.

william.paul
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 11:05 am: [report]

@red_lady I’m pretty sure that is what Jessica was getting at. I was going to say something about @joyy’s comment but you addressed it much nicer than I was going to.

@HitorMissJudy That was just horrible. You seem to have a punchant for such jokes.

CatGoesNomNom
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 11:06 am: [report]

This hits very close to home for me: my now ex-fiance told me that he had hit a previous girlfriend, and rationalized it every way you can imagine (she was screaming in his face, etc). He swore up and down he would never hit me or anyone ever again, one time deal, etc etc. I was of course leery, but I made the choice to stay with him and believe that people can change.

The last few months of our relationship, he because verbally abusive, until one day, after repeatedly ordering me to pick up something he dropped on the floor, and me refusing, he threw my dog (who was on my lap) across the room and smacked me across the face. There’s change for you. I left him the next day and moved in with my father in another state.

That was in February of this year, and I’m still paying off bills he racked up in my name and just dealing with the general fallout. After doing some research on domestic violence, I found that yes, it is POSSIBLE for abusers to change, but the vast majority do NOT, because they never come to see or understand why their actions are wrong. The ex-abuser in the article is somewhat of an anomaly. It’s a great thing to forgive and try to think the best of people, but in some cases, that’s just not realistic.

MissPandaXD
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 11:07 am: [report]

My ex hit his girl friend before me a couple times. I never thought it would be a problem because he told me right away and was very sad about it. I am not always rational when I was angry or upset and his only way to deal with me when we fought eventually became beating, slapping, and choking me until I was crying so hard I couldn’t argue anymore. He once said, ” I just wish I could beat you so hard you will never come back to me.” and moments later was sobbing asking how we came to be so physically violent (yes I began fighting back eventually).

MHe felt bad and went through therapy about his previous abuse. His previous girl friend forgave him and they were even able to be friendly to one another.
This did not change the only way he knew how to deal with confrontation with the one person he thought would always forgive him for it.

Moral?
A man can seem to change and even regret his actions in the past so much he would never think he could do it again, but the primitive can overcome the civil without a moments notice.
The only thing you can do is leave the first time it happens because I promise it will never end once that door is opened.

Jessica Wakeman
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 11:20 am: [report]

@joyy I agree with you that mental illnesses are brain disorders which people can’t control, but I do believe it takes a certain amount of willpower to control them. I think do believe it takes willpower to go to therapy, to take medication, to control one’s thoughts and one’s behavior. We might just have to agree to disagree about that.

FYI, I’m not saying being a domestic abuser is the result of a brain disorder — I’m merely likening the mentally ill way an abuser thinks to the mentally ill way a depressed person or an anorexic thinks.

luke15chick
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 11:23 am: [report]

As a person who has studied and worked with domestic violence to a great extent in my career, I truly believe once an abuser always an abuser. There is a very small percentage of men who permanantly change their abusive ways. Most therapists and social workers have a policy of not giving couples counseling to a domestic violent perpetrator, because what typically ends up happening is the perpetrator uses the therapy sessions to add to his vocab of ways to convince women they are “changed”. It’s easy for us women to fall for the trap that he’s different, because what makes so many women fall for abusers is that he’s very charming and knows all the right words that hit the emotional chord.  A very good book to read is called, “Why does He do that?” By Lundy Bancroft, which in my history of working with domestic violence survivors, seems to hit home for them and is also good for those who have friends or family members who have been through a domestic violent relationship.

bigred1961
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 11:34 am: [report]

This article is a little one sided. Studies by the CDC and others show that women are almost as likely as men to be abusive. Society won’t admit it but the facts are there. So men, would you stay with your wife or girlfriend if she had a past history of abuse?

skywalk
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 11:40 am: [report]

@luke15chick:  good to know, I’m not in and likely won’t be (only because hopefully it is death to we part right)  in a abusive relationship, but this is good information to know.  Men have never scared me physically but it is the mental abuse that scares me.  I feel that with physical abuse it is with mental abuse that they really try and control the women.

smh
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 11:41 am: [report]

Deal Breaker - done over gone - the only reason he is telling her is so his ex won’t - yeah that sounds like he’s changed. He is still in a power struggle. That seems to indicate that chances are he may have switched from physical abuse to verbal and is still playing power games. As long as he is still playing games and not being honest upfront he has not changed. Best thing his hopefully soon to be ex can do is just say no and go, it is not worth the risk.

william.paul
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 11:43 am: [report]

@bigred1961 (a husker fan?) I don’t think its fair to say the article is one sided, it’s an interview with a male abuser on a website geared towards women. That being said, you’re right in that it isn’t just men who are abusive.

goofyjj
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 11:51 am: [report]

I’m sorry - actually I’m NOT sorry - but if I found out a guy hit another woman, unless he was sparring in a martial arts or boxing class, then I would dump him in a heartbeat.

three words to remember when you hear that he hit ANY woman - Nicole Brown Simpson.  they don’t change.

fallonthecity
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 12:13 pm: [report]

Sorry, I have to agree with Judy. Would he even have written that letter, worried about telling her at all, if his ex-wife hadn’t threatened (“uncharacteristic malice”, right?) to tell his girlfriend?

And really, should anybody have to live her life ready to drop everything and run if he snaps one day?

Lynn
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 12:19 pm: [report]

DEAL. BREAKER. There is no way I would stay with someone who told me that. I’m not going to wait around wondering and hoping that he’s really changed. That is not a chance anyone should have to take.

Jenn27549
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 12:25 pm: [report]

Most of the examples given here where guys did not change were instances where they DID NOT understand why they did what they did.  They said they were “sad” or wanted to change, or tried to “rationalize” it away.  This does not seem to be the case with the guy in the original article.  There are alot of factors in whether someone will change, but truly understanding why and correcting THOSE SPECIFIC things are important.

I come from a family where there was physical domestic abuse (not in my home directly, but I was exposed), where the abuser tried to reform and failed. I come from a home where there was verbal abuse.  I am a reformed abuser, both physical and verbal (I’m female).  I have a friend who is in a verbally and physically abusive marriage that I am trying to convince her to leave, because her husband likely will not change.  I have seen it and experienced it from many angles.  I really think it depends on the people and the circumstances.  But to say that there is ONE thing that NO ONE c an ever change is a little far fetched.  It would be a tough call, but I’d probably hang in there but run at the first, slightest sign that the abusive behaviors were reemerging.

Frisky Noetic
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 12:27 pm: [report]

Telling of his past history of physical abuse should be one of the first things disclosed in a budding relationship. It isn’t fair to continue to develop feelings and a future when that information has been withheld.
He needs to speak up because he cares about the health of a budding relationship, not because his ex is prompting it (although good that she is adamant about him saying something).
He might be scared that she will dump him, but damn rightfully so!  While it may not be a deal-breaker, much dialogue must occur. If the woman chooses to continue with the relationship, she needs to be aware of warning signs and have a zero tolerance attitude. His therapy must be active and life long and he should be up for that challenge. She will also need to be part of this.
I encountered a situation that sounded very much like this, and while he never got physical or verbally abusive, the degree of anger and angst over various matters tripped of the red flags for me. That was enough of an indication that he could regress, and I was not about to be on the receiving end of that. I also didn’t like having that in the back of my mind. Just having to think about it made me feel less psychologically safe. I saw my mom and sister go through physical and verbal abuse from my father (and several male friends abused by girl friends and wives).
There is a lot wrapped up in the knowledge of someones previous abusive actions. Do they get past it? I don’t know. But I do know that the person entering into the relationship needs to be aware and know that they can not fix someone.
Anyway, it didn’t take long for me to back out of the relationship.

pragmatryst
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 01:17 pm: [report]

@Jessica Wakeman “I believe people can change their mentally ill ways and behave healthily again.”

@joyy: “Please rewrite this.  It makes you look bad.”

@Jessica Wakeman: “I agree with you that mental illnesses are brain disorders which people can’t control, but I do believe it takes a certain amount of willpower to control them.”

Ahhh that clears things up.  I don’t think I do understand what you weren’t not trying to say.

lawyrgrl
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 01:39 pm: [report]

Deal breaker - plain and simple.  I come from a home where physical and verbal abuse were the order of the day.  I do not discriminate against people based on race, gender, ethnicity, sexual preference or anything else inherent in their being.  I do, however, reserve the right to discriminate based on behavior.  That goes double when the behavior includes violence.

To paraphrase Gavin DeBecker - My safety first.  His feelings second.

Frisky Noetic
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 01:45 pm: [report]

well said, lawyrgrl.

OKSUNI
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 01:58 pm: [report]

I would not dump a guy if i found out he hit his ex. I have guy friends who have hit their girlfriends after being hit themselves—not beat the crap out of them or anything, but as a girl, if I double up my fists and hit a guy with the intention of causing physical harm, then I expect to get hit back.
Just because you are a girl doesn’t mean you never deserve it.
Just try to hit me for no good reason….....

retro chic
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 02:14 pm: [report]

@Judy and @fallonthecity are on it: agree 100%. I’m sorry, disclosure to the longtime GF only under duress of being outed just doesn’t count. That is not honest, voluntary communication to someone he claims to love: his motives now, as before, are continued methods of control and dishonesty. He would never have told her otherwise.

Also, imo, the more someone attempts to discredit an ex or their “motives” – the redder the flag. His withholding of such info is testament enough to believe even he knows he still has the propensity of being a repeater – in addition to his correct and certain knowledge his past is indeed – A DealBreaker.

Read @CatGoesNomNom’s, 8th down: from the second GF POV and how well that worked. An abuser is an abuser. Who wants to stick around for The Inevitable Snap.

@Jessica: meanwhile, give your Feminist Card to Judy for safekeeping until you come to your senses, darlin.’

Finally, the comparison to mental disorders throws me; I would liken it more to the (non)disclosure of HIV.

Molly Jean
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 02:22 pm: [report]

Dealbreaker.

Lexington
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 02:30 pm: [report]

I would be out of there faster than you could blink- once a guy has crossed that line, there’s no going back.

majicksand
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 02:32 pm: [report]

Let’s assume that everything “Ex-Abuser” wrote in his letter is true.  The abuse was contained to the first few years of a “decades long marriage”.  The divorce is relatively recent as is the current relationship.  He expresses his desire to tell his girlfriend the truth not only because of his ex wife but because anything else feels dishonest.

It sounds as though the abuse occurred when this guy was young and hot-headed, and he has learned better as he has matured in the intervening years.  He didn’t beat his wife throughout their marriage.  The long-dead subject resurfaced during the divorce (surprise!), at which point, he admitted to it and sought counseling.  He is now in the first relationship post-divorce and unsure how to proceed.  His former wife sounds as though she has some residual anger she’s looking to unload, and abuse that happened 15 years ago (I’m approximating based on the letter) is great ammunition.

“Ex-abuser” definitely needs to explain the situation to his girlfriend, but I think he’s making it into a bigger issue than it needs to be.  Again, assuming the letter is accurately portraying the circumstances, his ex wife is getting her revenge, and he’s letting her.  His guilt is outweighing reality.  Yes, he should feel bad about his behavior.  Yes, he should tell his girlfriend.  I just don’t think he should have to cower in shame like a whipped dog 15 years later.

writergirl
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 02:44 pm: [report]

Look, abusers probably do have some kind of mental disorder, as so alcoholics and drug users.  The fact is, recovering alcoholics and drug users have to make a choice everyday not to drink or use. I would say the same thing goes for abusers, they have to make a choice not to give in to whatever sets them off to hit.

I don’t know that it would be an automatic deal breaker.  I’d have to hear the entire story and then make a decision whether or not I had enough trust in him to believe he was telling me the truth.

If I wasn’t sure he was telling me the truth, then I probably would end it.  But if I have a lack of faith in my partner, I shouldn’t be with them anyway.

luke15chick
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 02:59 pm: [report]

Abusers are all about manipulation and control. And as strange as this might sound most women who have survived these situations, when you ask what the worse part was, they will tell you it was the emotional abuse.  And let’s not forget we’re getting his side of the story.  Not hers.  Of course he wants you to feel sorry for him and think he’s such a great guy.  And for those who think abusers just one day flip their lid, it’s proven that what they do is absolutely premeditated and they are in control of their actions, puposely choosing to be screaming, shouting, throwing things, harming the pets, harming the children and harming the women.

MuchoMacho
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 04:32 pm: [report]

guys who hit their women are losers.  i dont know if i can explain that more clearly…

bethlynn00
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 09:05 pm: [report]

For me it is a definite dealbreaker.  Batterers, men and women, get off on power and control, therapy may help to suppress those feelings temporarily or help them discover the root cause of it, but like any recovery it is a lifelong process so a few months of therapy is not just going to make things better. Sobriety really only exist if you were never an addict, once you pass that threshold you are in lofe long recovery and you fight temptation for the rest of your life. But abusive people have a long road to recovery, if they can even get on it, because these relationships are always hidden, they thrive on secrecy, so they know how to hide how they feel and what they are doing, so maybe with the next partner they haven;t hit them yet, but who knows what could set them off, I just couldn’t trust them.  But that’s me, some people might be more forgiving.

TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 11:23 pm: [report]

If not, what the hell’s the point in trying to reform abusers?

Seriously? The point in trying to reform abusers is TO GET THEM TO STOP HURTING OTHER PEOPLE. It isn’t about getting them to stop hurting other people so they (the abusers) can live happy lives.

Yes, he should tell his girlfriend. Of course it would have been better to tell her before he was forced to tell her by his ex-wife. If his girlfriend has any sense, she will drop him.

Then he will learn one of two lessons:
1. I should have told her from the beginning, or
2. I should never have told her.

The problem with #2 is that she may then find out about his nature the hard way, assuming he hasn’t changed.

He’s considering telling her only because his ex-wife may spill the beans. Is this the kind of thing someone should keep from someone he wants to “spend his life with”? Should anyone spend his life with someone knowing that if she knew this one detail about his past, she would not walk, but run to the nearest exit? Is this really a good foundation for a healthy relationship?

babybritain
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 11:46 pm: [report]

i would absolutely break up with him. One of the first things I asked my bf (when we were in the asking a million questions stage, not the first date) was if he had ever hit someone (male or female) and if he had ever forced a woman to do anything she didn’t want to. I’ve been hit by a date before. I don’t care if you’re cured, I’m not sticking around to find out and thats my prerogative.

CaleeKay
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 12:07 am: [report]

i didnt know this should be something to think about..

secretsquirrel
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 05:24 am: [report]

I live in a state where you can look up someone’s criminal record.  I use that to check out potential dates.  Most stuff I don’t care about, but if there is a continuing pattern of ANY kind of violence, I say NO.

On the flip side, my dad was an abusive alcoholic.  When he stopped drinking, he stopped being abusive. 

There’s always some back story, but I don’t want to be the woman to find out if a man has reformed or not.

metaldoc
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 11:10 am: [report]

abuse is a two-way street in many situations. Just because one person has hit another, does not mean they are an “abuser”. just that they had a toxic relationship with the previous person.

I am on my second marriage. My first marriage was as volatile as they come with the police coming to the house dozens of times. I was even arrested a few of those times. Alcohol, on both our parts, had alot to do with the situation.

since my first marriage ended, I have found someone again. We have been married for 12 years and have never once had the police come to our house, nor put our hands on each other in a bad way.

My ex-wife, last I heard of her, was being “beaten up” by her newest boyfriend.

My suggestion, to all women who find out a male friend or love interest has been an “abuser” is to get context instead of jumping to conclusions. Women are just as frequent abusers as men are.

majicksand
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]

Technically, my husband have a domestic violence charge.  He locked his ex out of their hotel room to avoid a physical confrontation.  She went nuts, scratched herself up, called the police, claimed he did it, and had him arrested.  He couldn’t afford an attorney at the time, so when the prosecutor suggested pleading “no contest”, take a couple of classes, and this all goes away, he thought it sounded like a good idea.  He had no idea that “no contest” is esentially the same as guilty on his record.  When she tried it again, and he found out they were charging it as a second offense, he lawyered up.  The charges were dropped.

Now I know that my husband is the least aggressive, most soft-hearted person on the planet.  Which is how he ended up staying with that girl even after she sent him to jail, btw.  Anyone looking at the police report, on the other hand, would assume he was a vicious abuser.

Things are not always what they appear.  It all goes back to trusting your gut.

Buggaboo
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 09:21 pm: [report]

First, I’d punch him out, and then leave.

CatGoesNomNom
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 10:33 am: [report]

There are a few common falsehoods here that I keep seeing over and over in the domestic violence discussion. One is that women are just as likely to be abusers as men. That is patently false. They simply are not, meaning they abuse LESS OFTEN than men. Think of it like pedophilia (not saying DV is like pedophilia): 95% of sex crimes against children are committed by white males. Does that mean other races or women never do it? No. It means white males do it much more. Just like men abuse more often than women, though there are some women who abuse.

Another problem is this “well, what did SHE do to provoke this? She didn’t just sit there.” Really? Why is that so hard to believe? In my case, I DID actually just sit there. I was so terrified that I curled up on the sofa and was too scared to talk. My refusal to talk or move is what put him into a fury. I have NEVER screamed in a person’s face or even came close to trying to get physical; I am a chronic avoider (part of the problem actually).

So yes, there are women who abuse, and its JUST AS WRONG. And yes, some women hit and scream and provoke, but for every woman who does that and gets hit, there are ten who do nothing, or do something as insignificant as burn toast. These arguments really belittle and lessen the seriousness of this issue, and it keeps us from focusing on the real problem and solution.

william.paul
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 10:47 am: [report]

@CatGoesNomNom In regards to the point you’re trying to address: people have been using DV and abuse interchangeably. While convenient most of the time (and domestic violence certainly is a form of physical abuse), they are not always synonymous.

Yes men are more likely to be physically abusive, but that does not mean that women are any less likely to be emotionally or verbally abusive. However, I would welcome data and statistics on the matter.

majicksand
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 10:55 am: [report]

@catgoesnomnom:  My ex husband did the same thing.  He flipped because I refused to argue with him.  Thankfully, he only got to do it once, and my children and I were not seriously physically injured.  In the letter that spawned this article, however, I think the circumstances are a little different than what you and I experienced.

skywalk
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 01:27 pm: [report]

@Buggaboo:  Good call, I like it

wonderfultonight
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 07:53 pm: [report]

I read the article in Salon and to me it seemed that the fact he had not mentioned it to his GF of six months and was only considering it because his ex had threatened to tell the woman herself is a very big red flag. No matter when in his marriage the abuse ocurred, he should have told this new woman long before this. Being young and hot-headed no excuse for this type of behavior. I hope he tells her soon, but it is now her call whether she stays or goes. I myself would leave, preferring to have a broken heart than a broken arm, leg or neck.

Leesa
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 08:16 pm: [report]

Agreed with the red-flag thing.  And I do think it’s a good thing to talk to his ex in this matter.  What’s her take on his so-called reform?  Does she think it’s just a phase?  Does she seem like a psycho bitch when speaking with her?  If the ex doesn’t seem crazy, maybe she has a point.  Granted, I’m speaking from the ex’s point of view here, but forwarned from anyone is better than marrying a guy and then seeing him in a downward swing.

Mimi_Jones
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 08:54 pm: [report]

I would ditch him immediately.  They do not change.

Iammina
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 10:20 pm: [report]

In a heartbeat. I was involved with an obsessive,controlling, jealous man and I had a very hard time getting out of the relationship.  After I broke up with him, he damaged my car, stalked me and threatened any guy I dated long after the relationship was over. He never hit me but came close and pushed me a few times. Later, I heard that he beat his ex wife. This guy was a prominent attorney so he always knew his way around the law and had several friends in law enforcement. Real men don’t abuse women and I don’t think women should be physically abusive either.

majicksand
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 07:28 am: [report]

@Leesa: Gotta be careful about taking an ex’s word on anything.  I knew my husband’s ex while they were still together (long story), and she seemed pretty normal at first.  He mentioned a few times that she was nuts, but I blew it off figuring they were just arguing.  A few months later, I overheard a conversation that really opened my eyes.  Then she lost it one day in front of me.  Really lost it.  She tried to have me arrested for trespassing and threatening her even though I hadn’t even laid eyes on her much less spoken.

Bottom line?  The first few months I knew her, I thought she was a reasonable person.  I thought we were actually working toward being real friends.  I could not have been more wrong.

SouthOC
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 05:16 pm: [report]

I’m all for forgiveness and second chances, but in regard to physical abuse, my heart of hearts says… Deal-Breaker.

I’m also for full disclosure in regard to socially unacceptable behavior (jail time, physical abuse, etc.) The dude has to take the risk and tell.

@CatGoesNomNom:  There is no excuse for a man to EVER hit a woman.  She can provoke all she wants - he can just walk away until cooler heads prevail.

“I was provoked” is the lamest excuse ever used by abusers.

DancingGeek
wrote on October 18 2009 @ 08:38 am: [report]

Dealbreaker- as in RUN. AWAY. FAST.

@Oksuni- Just because a woman hits a guy (which is absolutely wrong) does not mean he should hit back.  It’s not quid pro quo, two wrongs don’t make a right.

If a man is being abused, he should leave, the same as a woman should.

Gingee
wrote on October 18 2009 @ 01:57 pm: [report]

No.  I would not ditch a guy over this. That is in the past.

All that matters is this:  That he NEVER hits me, because the day that he hits me is the day that I leave.

I have dated men who were abusers.  They told me what they’d done and it did not matter.  They were good to me.

*shrugging*  A guy is an abuser/cheater/whatever until he decides to change.

Gingee

toyen
wrote on October 19 2009 @ 11:44 am: [report]

A half dozen years ago, right after buying a house with an ex and beginning to plan our long-term future, he got abusive with me. It started with an arm grab in the midst of an argument, and I told him if he ever laid a hand on me again, I was gone. He did a couple weeks later, and I grabbed my dog and left. It wrecked me financially and emotionally and uprooted my graduate school career. I’m still paying for it. I wonder if I was the first girlfriend it happened to.

I would have loved to have seen that one coming.

He’s married now with a new child. I bet he had to do court-mandated counseling. I wonder if he changed. I often wonder if he beats his wife or his son. I wonder if he ever told her or I should have warned her.

slestie
wrote on October 19 2009 @ 02:14 pm: [report]

I knew this girl who got real drunk and busted this guy’s lip at a party. He swung back out of pure reflex and got her in the side of the head (he pulled that swing back pretty hard when he realized what he was doing, too) and she went around telling everyone who would listen that he hit her. She had a posse of guys ready to go beat the crap out of him in a half hour.

True story. Every once in awhile she’s just crazy.

He sounds like a manipulator though. I wouldn’t do it.

Symian
wrote on October 24 2009 @ 06:38 pm: [report]

Well, I think that just like with a former addict or alcoholic you have to be realistic and understand that there is a chance that it will happen again.  A former alcoholic can steer clear of the bar, and a former drug addict can steer clear of the coke, but how does one “former” wife/husband beater steer clear of arguments that are bound to come up from time to time?  I think most abusers never get to this point of being able to control the underlying rage associated with abuse and therefore, if you are going to be with a former person beater, then you should prepare yourself for and accept the possibility that when he/she gets angry, your face may be the next cushion for their fist.

Ozymandias
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 08:37 pm: [report]

I have to ask, why is it the ex’s business to be telling this guy’s girlfriend about his abusive past? I can understand she’s pissed, and that she might justify it by claiming to be thinking about the new girlfriend’s well-being, but it does seem a little vindictive. Mostly, I’m curious about how the ex would even be able to contact the girlfriend. How does the ex know anything about this guy’s present love life (unless they share custody of children, which was not mentioned in the article)? If she hunts the new girl down, I think it’s a little over the top.

Just to be clear, I don’t think it’s wrong for her to tell the new gf, just that it’s not necessarily right for her to do it either. It’s certainly wrong for this man to lie to his gf, but that is between them. It’s kind of the way I feel about the KKK. I hate them, but I respect their right to be amoral douche-bags wholeheartedly.

Ozymandias
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 08:38 pm: [report]

*I support their right to free speech (and to lobby), not their ‘right’ to lynch, beat, discriminate against minorities.

Gloom
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]

I simply couldn’t trust him. I too believe that once an abuser, always an abuser. Even if he tried hard and could, somehow, change. Eventually, months, years or decades later, he would do it again.

TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 11:49 pm: [report]

@Gloom

Eventually, months, years or decades later, he would do it again.

Even if he didn’t, you would always be waiting for it to happen. That’s no way to live life.

senate78
wrote on November 14 2009 @ 09:30 pm: [report]

Like Dr. Phil says “You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.”
My ex-fiance slapped me across the face, punched me in the leg, thrown me down, pushed me and kicked me in the back.
He claims he doesn’t remember because he was drunk.
I forgave and I stayed, he was emotionally and vebally abusive, when I turned 30 I snapped and began to stand up for myself . . . he dumped me.
Blessing in disguise right.

A boyfriend in high school used to beat me up, and denied and he didn’t change after 5 years either when he was beating on his now ex-fiance.
Unless the person realises that they have an issue it will never change, no matter who he’s with.