Would The “Beer Summit” Had Happened If Women Were Involved?
Posted by: Jessica Wakeman
Filed in:
news
12:00PM, Friday July 31st 2009
The whole nation got pretty excited yesterday for Obama’s beer summit with Henry Louis Gates Jr., the Harvard scholar, and Sgt. James Crowley, the Cambridge police officer who arrested him. But I couldn’t help but wonder if it had been women involved instead of two men, if the nicey-nice photo op and beer summit chat would have ever happened.
I’m not asking if Hillary had been elected president would the beer summit still have happened. (Although I doubt it, just because beer doesn’t seem her style.) I’m referring to the idea of a beer summit among women—sitting around a table, disagreeing, drinking beers, shooting the breeze, talking things over, walking away from both the initial ugly confrontation and the ensuing awkwardness possibly as friends.
Based on what I’ve seen in my own life and in the lives of my female friends and sisters, women seem more likely to hold grudges and continue to be angry when an injustice has been committed against them or their feelings are hurt. Men seem more willing—whether it’s by nature or by conditioning—to have their differences, but then slap the guy on the back and be buddies again.
After the drama in Cambridge unfolded, though, I doubt women would have wanted to get in the same room with “that other bitch” anytime soon.
A week ago, I sat at a bar with a male friend, who I’ll call Robert, talking about drama between me, and my best guy friend, who I’ll call Josh. Some bad, dramatic s**t went down back in March, and for the past five months, I have come to realize that the best guy friend who has seen me through my life’s ups and downs since 8th grade no longer understands me anymore. My other friend Robert, who doesn’t know Josh at all, kept imploring me not to write Josh off.
“Really, Jess,” Robert told me, “I think you just need to get over it.”
“But I can’t,” I insisted. “He did X, Y, and Z. I don’t want someone like that in my life. How can I just say that things are OK again?”
“Because they are OK again. You two talked about it and it should be over. Why are your feelings still hurt? Honestly, I think if you were a guy,” Robert continued, “you wouldn’t still be hung up on this. You’d have moved on.”
Is it sexist for Robert to have suggested that? Maybe. But it doesn’t mean it might be a little true. After all, you never hear men say, “He’s a backstabber!” or “I don’t want to go to that party because Dominic will be there!” On the contrary, I’ve seen men get in physical fights with each other and slap each other on the back hours later and say it’s water under the bridge.
There is, as the author Leora Tanenbaum has chronicled in her book, a long, sexist, sordid “catfight” narrative between women in American culture. You see it between starlets on the big and little screens (Hilary Duff vs. LiLo! L.C. vs. Heidi! Angelina vs. Jen!) and in pop songs (“The Boy Is Mine,” “Beautiful Liar”). And of course, reality dating shows exist solely to stoke the flames of catfighting women.
Most of the catfighting we see in pop culture, I think, is sexist agenda-setting by tabloids that are just trying to exploit situations by belittling women. But I believe it’s based on something real inside us: the way women sometimes prefer to just avoid another woman who did something bad to her, rather than deal with it head-on. When someone hurts my feelings—nine times out of 10 it’s a female friend or a female acquaintance (the 10 is my male best friend or my boyfriend)—I lose trust in that person having the best of intentions for me. I don’t trust that they care about me. I don’t trust that I can make myself vulnerable to them or it will be abused. For some reason I don’t understand, insults from women cut me right to the core and stay implanted. The last thing I’d want to do is re-live that hurt over a beer summit and risk getting hurt by this mean person again. I admit to being the most sensitive person in the world, but I’ve watched spunkier, stronger, coarser women act that way, too.
Of course, the hurt-feelings-and-grudge-holding merry-go-round is a self-perpetuating cycle that’s just screwing over the women who engage in it, myself included. I know I shouldn’t complain about the situation because, especially in the case with Josh, I’m not doing anything to change it. But my trust has been lost and I don’t think there’s any point in a beer summit between me and him.
Looking at the big picture, Obama is pretty savvy to engineer the Gates-Crowley téte-a-téte and photo op as a “teachable moment” for getting past drama and being friends. He’s setting a great example for something I wish more people, including myself, could do.
Clearly, my own grudges are petty in comparison to the perceived racism Gates experienced at the hands of a white cop. But for the sake of using a teachable moment the way it should be used, maybe I’ll have to try a rosé summit sometime and test if it works.
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Coral
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:07 am: [report]
I think it’s less about the catfighting that would ensue, and more about the fact that women wouldn’t necessarily gather around for a beer.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:12 am: [report]
SEE! Men will fly from Massachusetts to Washington to have a beer, we like beer. HOORAY BEER!
@Coral: Then wine, where you can dither on about the bouquet and finish?
Coral
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
@cheese: Yes, I think wine would do.
powplz
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:18 am: [report]
@Coral - uh, what makes you think women don’t like beer? Let me guess - you’re not old enough to drink and have subsequently probably only been exposed to crappy, tasteless beer? (which is what I hear Obama was drinking, le sigh).
Humble Bee
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:20 am: [report]
I agree, women are more winos than beer lovers. We’d probably gather around and enjoy some red. I like beer when i’m watching sports because you can just down it when it starts getting good and keep drinking till the game is over.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:21 am: [report]
@joyy: Her birth year says 1990, so you are correct-o-mundo. At least the cop picked Blue-Moon which is pretty good despite being in every single liquor store.
I picked up a 6er of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale yesterday, delicious.
Coral
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:22 am: [report]
@joyy: I know that lots of women like beer. But it just doesn’t seem like a thing women would do with the president, or something the president would suggest for women to do. And I like beer, not crappy beer..but I’m not old enough
powplz
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]
@cheese - yeah, Blue Moon is my favorite of what was served among them, though I haven’t had it in quite some time. I’ve never liked SNPA for some reason, but I am totally the kind of girl who will usually pass on beer unless it’s something I actually like. Do you know that they make Fat Tire in cans now? Good, packable stuff
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:29 am: [report]
@joyy: Fat Tire in a can? They f’ing sold out. I live in Jersey City, and we just got a beer garden a month or so ago, and my god it is awesome. I love getting a liter of anything…something like 40 beers on tap, and none of that light crap.
http://www.zeppelinhall.com/
I luffs you beer garden.
powplz
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:34 am: [report]
How is canning a beer selling out? Camping, climbing, backpacking, boating, and softball beer selections are limited by what comes in a can (bottles not allowed in a lot of parks, and even if they are, who wants to pack that #&@$% back out?), and I don’t drink the majority of canned beers. Tecate, Modelo, and Fat Tire are pretty much it for me, so I’m glad to Fat Tire came on board.
Better beer in a can=good.
Claireific
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:35 am: [report]
1. I think the notion that women don’t like beer and only drink wine instead is a lame stereotype. Done. Let it go.
2. Sorry Jessica, but “the way women sometimes prefer to just avoid another woman who did something bad to her, rather than deal with it head-on” is called being passive-aggressive. It’s usually the root of catfights, and women need to start recognizing it for what it is and knock it the hell off. It’s one of the things that perpetuates the image of women as meek, hysterical, non-sensical little flowers who don’t think with their heads, IMO. Because discussing your differences, a la Obama and the beer summit, is how they get resolved. Not by “I don’t want to go to that party because that bitch will be there!” crap.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:38 am: [report]
@joyy: It just seems chintzy. I like bottles too much I guess.
william.paul
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:42 am: [report]
@CheeeeEEEEse I’m sooooo gonna have to drink there now. I pass it every night on the light rail.
Riley
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:42 am: [report]
Turns out he was right about the media blowing this up.
Quote from CNN article -
“‘This is not a university seminar. It is not a summit. It’s an attempt to have some personal interaction when an issue has become so hyped and so symbolic that you lose sight of just the fact that these are people involved,’ he said.
He said he would be surprised if the media makes the meeting out to be more important than his meeting Thursday with Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo, president of the Philippines, but ‘the press has surprised me before.’”
That said, from Jessica’s story I think this could have happened if it were women. It would not if they act as childish as the story paints her to be.
@Joyy - They don’t sell Fat Tire on my side of the Miss. :( I can’t get it in either KY or OH, Cheese might have better luck because of the larger metro area.
powplz
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:43 am: [report]
@cheese - I guess enough of my beer-drinking situations are not conducive to bottles, and that’s kind of the norm with a lot of people in my town. People will see me with a 12-pack at the grocery check out and be all “no way, fat tire is in cans? awesome!!!” I’m a bottle fan as well, especially considering my taste in beer. I’m just not at bars more than a few times a month to care enough haha.
skywalk
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:44 am: [report]
I’m more of a beer on tap girl myself, but will do bottle if I have too. I love mirco brews!!
powplz
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:46 am: [report]
@riley - ah regional beer distribution woes. I miss the Yuengling and Lion’s Head from my college days that I can’t find out here ... though I’m not sure if I would still like it that much if I had any to drink out here : P
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:47 am: [report]
@Riley: I’ve had Fat Tire in Colorado.
@William.Paul: It rox sox. GO. We actually do a drinking game that whenever the HBLR goes by we drink.
@joyy: Well, I’ll have to look out for these cans then. I bet they are considerably cheaper.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:49 am: [report]
@joyy: Yuengling is an awesome cheap, easy to find, good, solid beer. And at happy hour today, I can get them for $1-2.
william.paul
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:51 am: [report]
@CheeeeEEEEse (btw, thats one long effing handle) I like the sound of that drinking game. Also Yuengling is fantastic. I stopped visiting my family in Georgia until they started importing it to that state.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:54 am: [report]
@william.paul: There are 8 ‘e’s. Or copy and paste it. Even better if you make a hotkey to paste it for you.
powplz
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:55 am: [report]
@cheese - I’m from PA and went to school there, son. You don’t need to tell me all about $1 Yuenglings, they were a college staple! Unfortunately, I live in a little mountain town where happy hours don’t go that cheap unless it’s undrinkable beer, thanks to a town where service industry caters to tourons and frat boys. Also, I believe Fat Tire is brewed in CO, I think Riley is on the same side of the Mississippi as you are buddy
GreenAura
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 11:55 am: [report]
All you beer lovers should try this: Beer Floats.
Sounds nasty right? OMG, it was muy delisioso!! For Fathers Day, we made all the daddies beer floats using vanilla ice cream and either an Oatmeal Stout or a Double Chocolate Stout. It was FANTASTIC, and I highly recommend. Probably wouldn’t be so yummy with Coors though
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 12:00 pm: [report]
@joyy: “You can see your breath hanging in the air, You see homeless people, but you just don’t care, It’s a sea of smiles in which we’d be glad to drown, Don’t ya know it’s a perfect Winter’s daaaaay! And I’m very glad that I can saaaaay…That’s right! Its sunday morning in our quiet little white-bred redneck mountain tooooowwwwwwn!”
whatshesays
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 12:12 pm: [report]
There is an amazing beer called Le Fin Du Monde-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_Fin_du_Monde_(beer)- that I would recommend to the entire world if you feel like treating yourself.
pragmatryst
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 12:24 pm: [report]
@CheeeeEEEEse: “SEE! Men will fly from Massachusetts to Washington to have a beer, we like beer. HOORAY BEER!”
What’s this?! A domestic in a twist-off plastic bottle? You KNOW my last girlfriend dumped me for a guy she met at a street festival sponsored by BUD LIGHT! How could you be so INSENSITIVE?! We are NEVER speaking again.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 12:32 pm: [report]
@pragmatryst: I can’t recall ever speaking in the past. Good day to you sir!
whatshesays
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 12:35 pm: [report]
oops, just realized my typo! LA fin du monde. “The end” is female. =)
pragmatryst
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 12:52 pm: [report]
CheeeeEEEEse: “I can’t recall ever speaking* in the past. Good day to you sir!”
I said we are NOT speaking, um, unless that happens to be a Berghoff limited edition special stout peeking out of your cooler over there, in which case I forgot what we never argued about. Top O’ the afternoon to you too.
* Sort of…MoM: #1 Sex Tip & World’s Oldest Mom
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]
@pragmatryst: Nope, enjoy your NOT speaking to me.
BlueVibe
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 01:51 pm: [report]
Women would totally do this over beer. Dos Equis and fajitas. Shiner and burgers or chili. I don’t know where this “women don’t like beer” baloney is coming from.
pragmatryst
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 04:00 pm: [report]
I wonder how many different beers the White House has on tap, and what is the established protocol for a beer summit, do you bring a six pack just to be polite or show up empty handed?
powplz
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 04:03 pm: [report]
@pragmatryst - good question, also, do you bring your own cozy, or bring several as gifts for the prez?