Why Do Women Stay With Guys Who Cheat?

EastCoastMale
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 01:10 pm: [report]

I would say the the bottom two reasons are the most understandable. The kids one I am sure is the case in a lot of unfaithful households. The reason that she or he doesnt want to have sex and is fine with someone else tending to it, I see that as a strong sign the relationship is either frigid (obviously) or headed down hill and they are in denial. Some people are fine with a swinging spouse like it says in the secodn one from the bottom but me personally, if I am in a realtionship and love someone, I couldnt let them roam as long as they come back. To me there is a stronger bond that I cant just turn off and back on like a magent only when they are there.

Michael
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 01:19 pm: [report]

I can forgive a gf for anything but infidelity.  Even with kids…I couldn’t stay with her, I would rather raise the kids separately then in a house where I don’t trust her any longer.  I understand why someone would, but I couldn’t.

EastCoastMale
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 01:27 pm: [report]

good point Michael, I think I would take the same approach. I am sure there are a couple more things that I couldnt forgive a partner of but that is definitely one of them.

TexasGirl
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 01:31 pm: [report]

I was with someone for six years that consistently cheated on me.  And he is now engaged to another woman whom he regularly cheats on.  I can’t say for sure why I put up with the b.s. but I think it’s largely an insecurity that lies within the one being cheated on.  Once I took a long look at myself and what I was allowing to happen - I walked and haven’t looked back.  I wouldn’t wish that pain and self loathing and wondering “what’s wrong with me” on my worst enemy.

WinkyFace
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 01:34 pm: [report]

The last reason, love, is heartbreaking to me. Is that really love, or is that dependency? I don’t know if I’d be able to love someone that much if they are willing hurt me time and time again.

shannac02
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 01:49 pm: [report]

I guess you can’t really put yourself in the position until you’ve experienced it, and everyone has their own reasons, but I don’t think any of those excuses is valid… For the kids? Nope, that just teaches them that mommies are supposed to be doormats, and daddies get to bang who they want, when they want. Sexless marriage? Nope, you shouldn’t be married then. Family Business? Seriously?.  Love? ah yes, you love the bastard… there’s no better way to show your love than to take back a cheater… ugh. Yuck.

shannac02
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 01:57 pm: [report]

Sorry. The above was a little sassy… I just really dislike cheaters.

EastCoastMale
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 01:57 pm: [report]

kudos shanna, I definitely think your analysis of the for the kids reason is a good one. Then they just grow up in a house with tensions under the surface, not to mention resentment or hate. With the not being able to know until you in that situation, you mean how you would react?

shannac02
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 02:01 pm: [report]

Yeah… You just never know how you’re going to react or certain circumstances that can lead to different reactions. I have a “no tolerance” policy on cheating, but I guess some women don’t…

Michael
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 02:02 pm: [report]

honestly is there any bigger breach of trust than cheating on someone?  I can’t think of a worse thing to do.

rainy_pdx
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 02:03 pm: [report]

I agree with shannac02’s first point. Until you walk in someone’s shoes you can’t know what you’ll do. I’ve lived through infidelity and have rebuilt a relationship. What people may not realize is that there are two sides to the decisions made. I contributed to the time line that lead to the decision to cheat. Granted, I didn’t agree with the decision he made to cope with my contribution, but I can understand how he got there. I also was more upset by the duplicity than the actual sex with someone else. I’ve changed how I deal with us and our issues and we have rebuilt the trust.

EastCoastMale
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 02:10 pm: [report]

I would have to disagree that when it comes to cheating you dont know how you will react, maybe not all people but some know before there ever get there. I dont care if I was so mutually dependent on them for income or transportation or if I had to go from a mansion to a shack, if they cheat I am gone. If it was some reason that “drove” them to it, I doubt it is good enough. Also there is a little thing called communication and not cheating to get someones attention on emotional issues. Not putting down your post Rainy, not in the least, just speaking my mind.

Perceptible
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 02:13 pm: [report]

NE-VER! Cheating is the single unforgivable act in a relationship.

rainy_pdx
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 02:15 pm: [report]

No offense taken EastCoastMale. Communication is the key. We were both wimps when it came to the issues leading to duplicitous actions. Once the lid was blown off and the hard discussions happened, the rebuilding could start.

EastCoastMale
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 02:20 pm: [report]

Exactly and I think that lid should have either a) never been put on so tight that it stiffled communication even if it was about hard facts to face     or b) can be approached, these hard issues to talk about, before one person cheats to either make a point or as a cry for help. I figure your going to talk about it at some point, either in a preventative way or a reactive one.

AnnieDiva
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 02:22 pm: [report]

I learned the hard way when I stayed after learning my husband cheated on me the first time because I still loved him.

After he promised he wouldn’t do it again and I caught him a second time that really was all I could take and I divorced him and immediately sold the diamond engagement ring he gave me to http://www.idonowidont.com for some closure.

I learned my lesson the hard way staying when I should have left the first time because once a cheater always a cheater!!

shannac02
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 02:29 pm: [report]

I don’t think it’s ever acceptable… but different people react in different ways… That’s why we have wives and husbands that are content to look the other way… I think it’s rediculous, but people have done crazier things

EastCoastMale
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 02:31 pm: [report]

Annie, agreed. Even if you love him, him cheating is most likely a sign that he may love you but not enough to not cheat again. Just like theives and other certain personalities….....I wouldnt trust a former thief around me, why would I trust someone who cheated.

Lynn
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 04:30 pm: [report]

I think another big one is just not wanting to break up the marriage. Staying in a marriage just for its own sake is a big one. Plenty of women would rather be humiliated behind closed doors at home than in front of the whole town if they decided to get a divorce.

If I was married and my husband cheated once, I think I would be horrendously hurt and furious. But he’s my husband - I don’t think I’d leave him. If it was an ongoing thing, I don’t know if I could stay with him. And of course, if he intended to continue the affair in the future, I definitely couldn’t stay.

EastCoastMale
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 05:07 pm: [report]

hmm your opinion about staying with him just for the sake of being your husband, I just dont think a man deserves that free pass.I think the percieved shame from a divorce is more of a mental excuse than an actual fact, I have a strong feeling a woman that left the first time would receive more praise for being strong and he would get called an ass rather than fault her as some kinf of failure. I think it may be the thought of, if I get divorced then I admit failure as a wife and that reflects on who I am…..when a man cheats though its not on you at all for leaving him.

Michael
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 05:10 pm: [report]

I would be more embarrassed about getting divorced if I strayed from my wife than the other way around.

Katia
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 11:06 pm: [report]

I’m with Shannac02 and ECM on this one. It’s 100&#xun;acceptable and I would leave. For me, it would be more painful and more self destructive to stay. I would never recover respect for my spouse and I would also no longer respect myself for putting up with it. I couldn’t raise my children to be emotionally healthy, strong individuals in an environment that’s been tainted by adultery. Children aren’t so oblivious that they wouldn’t feel that something was wrong in the marriage and this would invariably effect them. I know a few people who are deeply scarred about the institution of marriage because of the hostility between parents that stayed together for the sake of the children.

EastCoastMale
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 10:59 am: [report]

Exactly Katia. In my opnion, when people site “for the kids” as a reason, they are seriously underestimating a childs ability to understand whats going on and/or just using it as an easy acceptable out to their own personal reason. Even if you can technically attempt to sustain the relationship as in staying in the same house or calling yourselves a couple, I have a strong feeling there would be resentment and underlying emotions that would prevent it from being a happy and healthy one. Cheating is inexcusable and I have no idea why, me personally, why getting a divorce would be embarassing. I know this is where those who are married chime in with, youll never know till your married and the divorced might also say the same. I havent been married but I know if I am cheated on I am going to an all-niight courthouse pronto =)

Lynn
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 12:10 pm: [report]

@ECM - I do get what you’re saying. I’m not saying my husband would get a “free pass” for cheating on me. It’s not as if I would just sweep it under the rug and think it will go away if we don’t address it or if I try to forget about it. But if he had one night of indiscretion, I don’t think I would break up a marriage for that. Maybe for a longer term affair, but not to a night or two. To me, a marriage should be stronger than that. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be hell and I’m not saying I would just forget it. But I don’t think I would give up a *marriage* for it.

As far as embarrassment goes, I guess that just depends on who is in your life. I would be embarassed to tell my family. I think they would all have different reactions (some would support me for leaving and some would look down on me for leaving “so easily”), but even in front of the ones who understood why I left, I would feel humiliated. If I wanted to leave my husband, something like embarrassment wouldn’t stop me. But I could see how it would stop someone else, especially if they had a family even more conservative than my own.

EastCoastMale
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 12:53 pm: [report]

hmm.. I just cant see the whole embarassment aspect if it is for someone elses mistake, ie: the husband cheated so why should the wife be embarassed to leave, I would be proud of her. I get what you mean about the first paragraph of your respsonse and maybe “free pass” wasnt deserved but in my mind it would be an issue of even it is was one night or one hour, there was no way it was a mistake. Cheating is a conscious act that takes two people and once its done it cant be undone, you can move past it but I think it weakens the foundation of the relationship fundamentally. For me its not about the length of time it went on or the other person, mistress or male equivalent, it is about my partner willingly cheating on me and knowingly hurting my feeling without coming to me. I could never overlook it or move past it. Even if I love someone deeply it doesnt allow them to use that love as a backstop to consequences, if I am madly in love with you and you cheat it negates the love I gave you. I would leave without a tear filling my eye.

vanya
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 01:00 pm: [report]

@ECM - to answer your question about why someone might be embarrassed about getting a divorce. I’ve never been divorced, so I’m obviously not a real expert or anything, but I have a few close friends who are divorced, and these are my observations of their experience:

One reason is because the intimate details about your sex life often become public domain for discussion/speculation by people who don’t know you or your spouse that well, or even at all.  I have known a number of women IRL who were blamed for their husbands’ cheating. Blamed completely. Their family and friends, casual acquaintances, business associates, clergy - yes, I said clergy-  and even virtual strangers were quick to assign blame and make statements about how, if they weren’t so “uptight” or “frigid”, then their husbands would’ve been “satisfied” and not been “forced” to go outside the marriage to get his needs met, yada yada yada.

Another reason some of the people I know were embarrassed (or even ashamed) about getting divorced is that some view it as a (very) public admission of failure.  No one loves to have their failures trotted out in public for everyone to examine and make judgements on.  I think this can be particularly painful if people didn’t think your marriage would work in the first place.  For some people, it’s the whole “See? I told you so!” gloat factor that can get people down about being divorced.  Especially, if it’s not their first divorce, either.

Katia
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 01:01 pm: [report]

Once again, I agree wtih EMC. Personally, a one night stand is just as bad. I mean, to think my partner thought so little of my feelings to throw it away on a casual sex? And don’t get me started on the potential for STDs. The whole situation would be a nigthmare to me. I hope I never have to deal with something like this.

jadeycakes
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 01:03 pm: [report]

I haven’t been placed in that situation yet [thank goodness] but I’m not sure what I would do.  On one hand the trust is gone, so what’s left?  On the other, it’s too hard to let go of someone you love and just walk away.  That’s a tough one.

suzybabies
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 02:36 pm: [report]

i think its for the most part love and dependency. i dont think children are a good reason to stay together because of obvious reasons.(ever grow up in a household with two parents that hate each other) its horrible and probably has much more negative effects than divorce.

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DoctorODoctor
wrote on December 10 2008 @ 11:34 pm: [report]

Eh, I’m going to go with kids, love, and communication for $500, Alex.  I’ve worked with several couples that have dealt with cheating, and it is surprising how many couples decide to work things out after one has strayed.  Things change in relationships, couples grow apart at various phases, and, #&@$% happens.  I have found that cheating does not mean there is a lack of love between partners; rather, there is love, but is a massive lack of communication.  Cheating is just a symptom that something else is wrong. 

Does this mean that the woman whose husband consistently cheats on her is just the victim of problematic communication?  Hell no.  There are cases where there is a great deal of insecurity (on both sides), and cheating becomes acceptable and the norm.  However, in the majority of cases, its just a symptom. 

Personally, I can’t say that I’d leave my husband if he cheated on me.  I’d need to examine my role in it and really discuss with him what the precipitant was.

LoveLee
wrote on December 11 2008 @ 05:17 pm: [report]

Funny… I used to feel the exact same way as most of the people posting here - that cheating is utterly inexcusable.  I could never understand why anyone would even CONSIDER staying with someone who would cheat on them.  Until it happened.

My boyfriend of four years broke my heart on one stupid, drunken, lonely night, and I was nearly destroyed.  And although the me just moments before I found out already “knew” what she would do in this situation, at that moment I was stunned. 

After countless hours of talking and thousands of tears (on both sides) I finally made the decision to break it off.  For an entire year not a day went by when I didn’t miss him more than anything I’ve ever missed in my life.

I still don’t know what the “right” decision was.

EastCoastMale
wrote on December 11 2008 @ 05:34 pm: [report]

@vanya, I just cant see any of these as reasons to be against getting a divroce from a cheater. As for intimate details becoming public, that is the case with any breakup, be it casual or marriage; there is always the potential for the other half to be a jerk and broadcast them. As for being a public admission of failure, I just cannot comprehend that logic if it is the OTHER person that cheated. It doesnt mean “I wasnt good enough and he had to stray”, it means he or she was a jerk and hurt you. In my book thats reason enough to leave and not look back. I am betting by that point in a relationship if they cheat, they have to have some incling that this would be the way that you react allowing them to stay and talk it out over countless hours. I could talk with someone that cheated on me for a month and still not give a sh*t what theur excuses are because thats what they are, reasons to them and excuses to me.

@Jadey, I dont see it as letting go of someone you love, I see it as kicking a cheating punk to the curb. The act of cheating outweighs the feelings previously felt, to me at least.

@LoveLee, I think it was definitely the right decision. I know I am different than a lost of the posters here in that I am male and am advocating leaving a cheater without even giving them a chance to explain. I get that you miss a person you have loved and been with but to me I wouldnt miss someone who cheated and most likely lied along with it. Even if they didnt lie, theres no way to erase something like that. Cheating is not an accident, no a mistake, its a purposeful act and I can kick that person out with a smile.

LoveLee
wrote on December 11 2008 @ 06:05 pm: [report]

I suppose the message I was trying to convey is that it’s nowhere near as simple as it seems.  I was absolutely ideologically opposed to cheaters - as it seems most here are - but when you’re faced with it in real life, everything changes.  Everything I thought I knew about the scripts of intimate relationships, the do-s and don’t-s, everything, flew right out the window and the only thing that mattered was him and me. 

I really do wish that love was as simple as the rules make it out to be, but it just isn’t.  You can’t rely on rules.  And you most certainly can’t just decide to stop loving someone.  In my experience, real love can’t be turned off.

wishtoforget
wrote on December 11 2008 @ 06:46 pm: [report]

5 years ago I would have said, and did say if he ever cheated on my his crap would be strew over the front lawn and his ass thrown out.
He did cheat on me, one night stand after 2 weeks of emails and cell phone calls…I caught him red handed…....
We were going through a stressful time financially, but other than that, no reason for his behavior. We are/were the “happiest” couple people knew. Difference is that back then I wasn’t pretending.
He came begging back and has been a model husband since.
But I cannot, will not ever forgive him. I have stayed for my kids.
I plan on leaving him the minute my kids move out.
This will sound cocky, it isn’t meant to, but I am very attractive, very smart and make as much money as he does….I am very close to my children and closer to his family than he is. When the truth comes out, he will be despised, and I will ab-so-lute-ly take every penny coming to me when I go.
People who cheat are morons…the hurt inflicted on the spouse never goes away.
No, I am not bitter, why do you ask???

vanya
wrote on December 12 2008 @ 12:09 pm: [report]

@ECM, I agree with you.  I don’t know why the women I’ve known have internalized their partners’ cheating to be a reflection of their worth as a spouse or as a woman, but they have. I don’t even think most others view it that way, but they perceive they do (if that makes sense) I don’t know if it has something to do with their particular religious beliefs, or the community in which they were raised, or what.

EastCoastMale
wrote on December 12 2008 @ 12:16 pm: [report]

I agree vanya, I dont see any way that it reflects on that person leaving the cheater in nearly the degree that they have in their head.

LovelyLee, I just still cannot buy that reasoning. I know I dont need or have to because you are stating your feelings and not trying to convince me but I think it IS that black and white when it comes to cheating. Other issues that come up in a relationship maybe can be worked through and forgiven and Im sure some do the same with cheating but I cant help but feel there is some extra behind the reasoning besides love that would make someone want to stay with someone who cheated. If they cheated then that just shows that even though they love you or did or whatever,,,,they obviously are one of the above, careless, disrepsective, irresponsible, immature of a liar. Not all at once mind you but I have a hunch at least one of those applies, to overlook cheating and stay with a person is to cheat yourself in my mind. I would drop them like a bad habit.

EastCoastMale
wrote on December 12 2008 @ 12:18 pm: [report]

oh I wanted to also add that its not totally applicable 100% of the time given some of the females agree with me it seems but I definitely think the viewpoint depends somewhat on waht sex you are. You hear women say he cheated but I still love him and will work through it but how often do you hear a husband say that if his wife does it? I would say “Oh honey, your cabs here, hope you have cash”

rockstar1226
wrote on December 15 2008 @ 12:37 pm: [report]

if you have no trust,you have nothing at all. if ya ask me,its a charactar flaw. it may be hard as hell to move on,but most times its for the best.

blondie55
wrote on May 16 2009 @ 01:46 pm: [report]

I have to agree with East Coast male on so many of his posts.  I have just discovered that my husband of 12 years has had a two year emotional affair, via phone, texts, emails, and they work together, so it’s still not clear, for sure what sexual activity, if any went on.
I found out on Mother’s Day, just last week, and have been through the wringer of emotions all week, angry as can be, crying my eyes out, shocked, disillusioned, and now am in process of making some changes, moving towards divorce.
I have mixed feedback from family and friends, because he has been such a nice guy, doing alot of handyman jobs for my family and friends. I do believe that he is a good actor, and am just finding out.  He claimed, when confronted that he didn’t believe that he was doing anything wrong (by calling her at 9:00p.m. in private, or texting each other as early as 4:55a.m. or texting throughout their lunch hours. 45X seems obsessive to me, I do not trust him whatsoever, and am coming to the conclusion that I am just financilly convenient for him, so he can spend his money any which way he chooses, as I pay allthe bills, we do split them. But after enduring him paying child support for over 11 years, to his first wife, now that he is free of that responsibility, he just spends like water. I just paid some money to have his father buried, because he had not one penny to do so, and all the while he’s been playing text games, cell phone calls, emails etc.
The two that I know of are: He wrote to her in an email while he was out of country visiting his sick father, “Do you miss me? to his co-worker, also a married woman, and secondly, also in an email, “Know that if the plane goes down, I will always surround you, and watch over you”. he never said that to me. I do feel that he crossed way over the line.
Would like feedback, on whther you think he had sex included as well, or any tips, ideas, or suggestions.  Sorry to be so long-winded, this is still very fresh to me.
Blondie

blondie55
wrote on May 16 2009 @ 01:51 pm: [report]

Vanya, you are right one, about when a couple divorces, often people judge the woman, and say if she wasn’t frigid, or unavailable, or whatever, then the man wouldn’t have to go out and get it elsewhere. That’s already happening!
Secondly, about it appearing to be a public failure…for sure, why not just wear the red “D” letter for divorce, especially if it’s a woman’s 2nd marriage. It doesn’t matter that the 1st one was due to a pedophile or whatever, people just hear 2nd divorce.  Sad that the cheating male, gets off scott free, while the woman who was nothing but supportive, gets blamed.  Unbelievable.
The only consolation is: what goes around comes around!