Women Are In Charge Of Their Own Happiness
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
9:00AM, Thursday May 28th 2009
Earlier this week, New York Times columnist, Ross Douthat, wrote an op-ed piece about how feminism has made women increasingly unhappy over the last 30 years. Despite being wealthier, healthier and better educated than they were a generation ago, women in post-feminist America aren’t as happy as they used to be. He suggested this may have something to do with the number of women “stuck raising kids alone,” a “depressing” lifestyle that’s much more common among women in the lower socioeconomic class. This hardly explains why so many wealthy women in East Hampton are so miserable, though, Douthat admits. He suggests women’s unhappiness may have something to do with their politics — maybe women “prefer egalitarian, low-risk societies, and the cowboy capitalism of the Reagan era had an anxiety-inducing effect on the American female,” he writes. Um, sure. Or, it could also be the famous “second shift,” Douthat offers, “in which women continue to do the lion’s share of household chores even as they’re handed more and more workplace responsibility.” Hmm, you think? And whose fault is it that women continue doing the lion’s share of household chores? Is it possible that women, who have more options now than ever, are making the wrong choices, creating their own unhappiness?
In a world — and economic climate — when so much is out of our hands, American women enjoy “unprecedented control over their own fertility,” as well as the freedom to partner with whomever they choose. True, gay marriage is still illegal in most of the country, but that doesn’t mean women can’t form lasting unions and partnerships in parenthood with whomever they choose, regardless of sex. And if they never want to partner with anyone or have children at all, they’re free to make that choice as well. So why are so many women ending up in marriages and partnerships that suck the life out of them? In an age when more and more women have careers outside the home, why are so many of them in relationships that continue to foster the archaic idea that household chores fall solely — or even mostly — in their camp?
There’s a letter in today’s Guardian from a 28-year-old wife and mother of two young children. She works outside the home, while her husband takes care of the children full-time. She complains that even while working a “demanding and tiring job,” she still has to do most of the housework when she gets home while her husband farts around on the computer. Married for six years, she wed when she was 22, an age that some might argue is way too young to marry. What if she’d gotten some life experience first? What if she’d fully experienced the responsibility of a “demanding and tiring job” before taking on the demanding and tiring role of wife and mother? Maybe she’d have made some different choices — choices that may have led to a happier home life down the road.
The thing is, while we women are have unprecedented opportunities outside the home and have fought so long for equality in the workplace, many of us lack models of true equality inside the home. While we’re taking advantage of more options than our mothers and grandmothers ever had, we continue to make the same kinds of choices when it comes to our relationships and home life. No wonder we can’t balance it all. If we’re ever to have true equality, we have to start taking responsibility in choosing - and even training — mates who understand and respect the division of labor in a domestic partnership. And we have to pass that responsibility on to our children — to our daughters and our sons.
Change won’t happen overnight, but it won’t happen at all if we don’t make it a priority. While equality in the workplace is as important as ever, it’s time that equality — and mutual respect — at home take center stage. If women indeed want it all — a career and a relationship and a family — they have to be in charge of the balancing act. Regardless of how high a woman can climb the career ladder, if she wants a relationship and family, too, her biggest responsibility is still at home — and it starts with choosing a partner who shares her vision and sensibility of domestic harmony.
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retro chic
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 10:04 am: [report]
I agree with the tough love attitude of Wendy’s article, esp, the last two paragraphs. Our happiness is our responsibility—and should actually be a welcoming relief to embrace this, putting yourself at the center of command. This is true for ALL people.
Actually, how about a more business-like approach towards running your life? ie, set goals, boundaries, standards and stick to them. Doing only those things that bring you closer to those goals. In a relationship, there should be agreements on clear divisions of labor, open books on finances, etc. There should be consequences for breaches—commitment to healthy conflict resolution. Not to hinder, but help, the flow of normal emotional connections.
Chances are if we viewed our conduct and contributions to relationships and our own lives, we might fire ourselves or our mates. Why should we view our personal life as any less important?
Erin G
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 11:13 am: [report]
I wonder if we have an inaccurate rubric of what makes women happy. We have all these freedoms of choice (who we partner with, when we have families, what our careers are, etc), but have they become such the norm that what we rank our happiness by has shifted?
An analogy would be, we no longer have to get up to change the channel on our TVs, so now happiness isn’t ranked by if our TV has a remote, but if it is flat screen and HD.
I think the “wealthy women in East Hampton” are miserable because they’ve gotten so used to having it all that it takes more and more to be happy. Its like a damn drug addiction.
GreenAura
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 11:41 am: [report]
What is happiness exactly? To me, happiness is knowing that I will more than likely wake up tomorrow. People say they are so miserable with their circumstances. “My husband is lazy, my kids are bratty, my job is a dead end, I’m in debt” Well, guess what, you are still alive and breathing, so buck up! There are people with terminal illnesses that are intrinsically more optimistic than those that are healthy. Poverty stricken people complain less than those with wealth. Why? Because most of us are too superficial and distracted by our materialism to recognize the simple beauty of just being alive. So take a deep breath, and be grateful you are still able to do so.
Shasta
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 12:29 pm: [report]
Wendy,
Very serious, insightful, articulate piece.
You are correct that women’s attitudes toward relationships must evolve to keep pace with strides they’ve made elsewhere.
I’d be interested to know if you feel the Frisky is at odds with this. The site is fun but there remains the underlying current of “how do I snag him?” which permeates our entire culture, not just your site.
We all still want to be girly, but how do we reconcile that with the real world?
I want it both ways. Is it possible?
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 12:51 pm: [report]
Love these comments—great insights. I totally agree with Erin that our “happiness compass,” as I’ll call it, is probably a bit skewed these days. Even with the current economic climate, we still have SO MUCH. But we also have more responsibilities than ever before, which is sort of ironic when you consider how a plethora of options should make us feel freer, not more weighed down.
And I see Shasta’s point as well. Part of the reason I wrote this essay was to give voice to a more serious issue on a site that often deals with lighter fare. So that’s how I reconcile it—this idea that we can be girly AND serious. It’s all about balance.
retro chic
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 01:03 pm: [report]
Withya Green. Happiness, imo, is created the moment you focus on being happy. Starting with breathing, facial expression, smiling, having a more Big Picture consciousness, believe the better in a situation/person. If you have been touched by tragedy or know someone who has—learn. It will also go a long way to attract like-minded people and close gaps between what-was, what-is, and what should-be… in relationships or changing times. Things get overpersonalized with ego and pettiness. Step back and take a more impersonal approach and make sure people/situations are in line with your dreams and goals, as in my first comment. It doesn’t matter what the world is showing me—regression or divide—just focus on what I want to maintain my happiness and stick to it.
Santiago
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 03:02 pm: [report]
This article doesn’t make any sense. The argument is that women used to be happier when they had fewer choices. But now that they have more choices in education, wealth and health they are UNHAPPY because they still have to do most of the chores?
Really? I think that some where along the way as americans we bought into the idea that having more choices in and of themselves makes you more happy (not that I’m against people having options.) The idea that more choices makes you happy is illogical. The right choices and attudies will increase your happiness. You have to look at the behaviors and mindsets that differ from our mothers and grand mothers. Instead of focusing and what they did wrong, look at what they did right…
Food for thought, women today cheat as much as men do, a big difference from what was reported in the 50’s. Yet women are unhappier. Is this a symptom or one of the problems? Because of sexual liberation cheating for women is more accepted and thus a viable choice, but it is a good one?
Erin G - I totally agree. If you base your happiness and what you get, you will never be happy. Wise words.
Santiago
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 03:10 pm: [report]
After clarification: I think that our mothers and grand mothers where happier with what it meant to be a woman (Not to mention that our parents didn’t feel as entitled as we do.) When I often speak to women they seem unhappy and even uncertain with what it means to be a woman.
Be happy with what you have and who you are, yet always aspire to be more.
loveitlala
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 04:42 pm: [report]
It’s hard to see that progressive women are marrying nonprogressive men. It’s fine to be a nonprogressive man, but you shouldn’t expect to date a career woman. I actually don’t see this as the reason behind the unhappiness for my generation (although maybe for those 5-20 years older than me this is the case). I completely think it is that we were raised weakly… happiness is completely an attitude and obviously we weren’t raised to have it. I blame it on divorce, personally.
Kate2009
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 07:59 pm: [report]
Women aren’t more unhappy these days. It’s just that in the past it was socially unacceptable for women to express their unhappiness.
theoldman
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 08:30 pm: [report]
First I am old enough to remember the 50’s in living color. My parents generation having grown up in the Depression and having gone through WWII were satisfied with less. Second there were much stronger community bonds. One neighbor wound up in the hospital and every one pitched in to mow and bail his hay take care of plowing so forth. But if you were black or hispanic life was really a bitch. Those communities had very close knit bonds as well. Women were unhappy but didn’t complain because they remembered when times were worse. Today affluence and greed have us in a death spiral of sorts. The more you have the more you want. So in part retro chic and green have it right.
When it comes to love and relationships, the Greatest Generation got lessons that no generation since has learned or had the broad opportunity to learn. Men learned how to bond and then love not in erotic sense but love in Kamerade ship. Each man trusted his life to someone else and was prepared to sacrifice himself for his brothers and they for him. I see this kind of love in my parents who are both still alive. My mother gets the love any member of the band of brothers gets. My father gets it in return. They know the real priorities in life. I understand it because someone did it for me 38 years ago when they pulled me out from a jeep. I had that kind of Kamerade love with a woman for 15 years before cancer took her. It took a good while to develop. Dating now some 5 years later, I seldom see the level of commitment that makes for a truly successful relationship or the willingness to make that effort. Most every one today lives in a kind of King’s X relationship. Committed until the going gets tough. No body is willing to go crawl through the mine field to pull their spouse to safety.
Retrochic from your posts I think that you and your husband get it about as right as any one today. I think that you will agree that it is nonstop hard work but the rewards are worth it.
Erin G
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 07:21 am: [report]
@theoldman: Thank you, that was definitely something I think more people need to hear and learn from. I don’t know if it was what society went through since those times, or if it is the fact that we get our needs met so easily that we forget what really matters, or both, but people—men and women—certainly take the world for granted. Happiness is taken for granted. I certainly wish I had the deep bonds with my friends and family that you speak of.
theoldman
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 12:18 pm: [report]
Interesting that this topic should be posted Wendy. The biggest part of the problem is evasion of responsibility. In my generation it became fashionable to avoid responsibility. Witness the lengths that my cohort went to to avoid the draft. No better examples than Cheney, Limbaugh, Feith, Wolfowitz, and W. Elvis 10 years before reported and served avoiding the draft at that time was unthinkable. At Princeton, in the 1950’s, 60+% of men served in the armed forces and that doesn’t count the others who served in the Public Health Service, Foreign Service or other government service. Now it is less than 3%. Then came the absent fathers and evading child support became a game. Many men have no sense of responsibility.
Flipside for women no better example than today for me. I have been dating a woman in her early 50’s for 5 months now. All relationships have their ups and downs. My personality is ENTP(Inventor) on Briggs-Myers. Hers is probably INTP(Architect, she is a civil engineer). I “tend to act, then reflect, then act further” where she “prefers to reflect, then act, then reflect again”. We have done a number of things like going to a Bruce Springsteen concert that she would have never done on her own. She had moved outside her comfort zone. That was obvious to me three weeks ago. We have gone out several times since I noticed but never anywhere we could talk. Today I get back in the mail a couple of Springsteen CD’s I had lent her along with a book “Could You Love Me Like My Dog” which is a laughing comparison between human and dog views of relationships and the basis for Letterman’s Top 10 List why dogs are better than spouses. Mailing it in is copping out. Just like ignoring an email on a dating site rather than having the courtesy to send a polite thank you but no.
Both sides have a lot of growing up to do.
newmakcity
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 12:55 pm: [report]
@theoldman: No disrespect but I find your account of “the greatest generation” as rose-colored as it’s name. I’m glad that you feel you got some positive life lessons from them but I personally disagree that as a generation they were shining examples. 1) Post WWII was the largest boom in consumerism and excess the country had seen up to that point (those boat-sized Cadillacs are the perfect example). Appearances of happiness (i.e. lots of stuff) were what became important, something Kate2009 pointed out. 2) My grandfather served in WWII and he definitely didn’t share the idea of my grandmother being part of his “band of brothers”. She (like most women of the time she told me) was his subordinate, not his peer.
I think surveys like this without context are completely without merit. To compare you need a CONSTANT and a VARIABLE. Because standards of what constitutes happiness are continually changing you have no constant, only variables. It would be like measuring whether people now like Diet Coke against how much people in 1920 like original Coke. There’s no correlation.
Shasta
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 05:35 pm: [report]
Thx Wendy.
Balance is the answer to so many things.
DancerNinja
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 07:21 am: [report]
I love many of the comments on here. I agree that we’ve attained so much over the years as humans through technology advances and prosperity, I think both genders have a problem with making peace with what is good enough. We’ve been spoiled, we want the not-over-bearing job AND the porche and weekends on an island vacation. People don’t want to have to chose between save and spend/ high earning job and non-stressful life, etc. But that is where we are and, particularly as females, we seem to be criticized either way we choose.
Bonus
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 06:56 am: [report]
@theoldman: You are right.
@newmakcity: You don’t get it, on several levels. Just one thing though, yes, the ‘Greatest Generation’ spent on ‘consumerist’ things during the post-WW2 prosperity. And this, to you, is wrong?
They grew up knowing only the deprivation of the Great Depression, and then went off to fight & work to win World War 2. The good times of the 1950s were to them the life that had been previously always denied to them. As if the options in your life now aren’t 10x what they had.
tigerstripe
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 06:12 pm: [report]
This is a really fascinating topic. There is another way that I know of personally that feminism can make women unhappy: they’re more aware of the problems facing them. I took a Psychology of Women class at school last semester and it made me a lot more aware of the specific issues that women face. I started noticing every time women on tv were portrayed unrealisticly or treated like objects. I also noticed specific incedents in my own life as examples of discrimination we talked about in class. I had always considered myself a feminist but I had never felt personally oppressed as a woman until I took that class. I’m certainly glad to be more informed now, but as the saying goes, ignorance is bliss.