Wife Hates That Her Husband Jerks Off Twice A Day

Jamie Lee
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 09:46 am: [report]

this guys wife sounds lame…

wonder_bread
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 09:49 am: [report]

i wouldn’t want my guy doing this and not becuz its gross or anything i just dont think he should do it instead of doing me.. now granted this guys is in a bind becuz he wife won’t have sex with himas often as he’d like and he’s trying to be considerate and handle it himself instead of pressurring her…i think she either needs to have sex with him a little moe often or leave him alone… maybe instead of him gettin rid of morning wood on his own she help him and let him take care of his nite desire or vise versa

Pas Quotidienne
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 09:56 am: [report]

Whoever they have writing the Dear Prudence column for Slate now is sadly not up to par…advice like this is why I jumped ship when Margo Howard left.

@Jamie Lee Yeah…definitely lame.

Rose
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 09:58 am: [report]

I can understand resenting your partner’s masturbation if it seems like they prefer it to you.  I can understand having wildly divergent drives, and needing to compromise - maybe twice as much sex and half as much masturbation?  But what seems to be missing is any attempt to communicate and work out a solution that satisfies both of them.  Without that, the relationship is probably doomed anyway.

Goldfinch86
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 09:59 am: [report]

I often don’t have sex with my partner because I am tired, but I do other things to please him, even if I’m tired. She needs to learn that sex is not all about “us”. Sometimes it’s fun focusing on one partners needs. It also builds intimacy and can help get you in the mood. As for the self pleasure she need to realize that he does have urges and the advice sounds like something out of the 1940’s. My partner masturbates, not every day, but I don’t mind when he does because I do it too and own toys. To be honest it makes us both want each other more. I think Em and Lo have talked about this and how it increases the need for sex with your partner. His wife needs to find the time to fit sex in, I may not put out every night but this sounds as though he might get it once a week. She may not be interested in sex but he is, this can also lead to worse things down the road, people need sex, he could end up looking for it elsewhere.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 10:00 am: [report]

Eh, twice is probably about normal for me, but he’s been married for 7 years, so I’d say he’s around 35. His hormones should of cooled off by now.

Logically his wife shouldn’t have an issue with it because she doesn’t put out as much as he’d like. If she does she’s just a control freak. Keep waxing it.

delovely
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 10:03 am: [report]

Even if they were having sex more, he’d probably still masturbate. It’s just a compulsion with men. Maybe she’s more upset about WHAT he masturbates with, ie porn. I know that can make even me feel slightly uncomfortable.

Also, if the writer of the letter was a woman, would it be that abnormal? It’d probably just get written off as a higher sex drive and a “Good for her!”

Arsenic
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 10:07 am: [report]

Honestly, I have no idea why chicks constantly decide their partner can’t masturbate. Really? I mean if you aren’t getting enough sexy-time and your partners constantly in a corner whacking it I’d see your point- but really, sometimes you just need to polish one off. I like sex, I do, but sometimes I want some alone time, you know? I can’t see why guys would be any different.

Also, I totally agree with Dear Prudence being a little off- I used to like reading her so much, but with her constantly awful sexual health and alternative relationship advice I just cant get into it like I used to.

Jill
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 10:11 am: [report]

Poor guy, he just wants to have sex a lot.  I can only hope my future husband has the sex drive of that man!

Personally his wife sounds like a bitch if she’s making him feel so bad about his performance in bed, his needs, basically everything under the sun.

Perceptible
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 10:14 am: [report]

Wait, the wife was complaining that he’s not normal because he lasts too long? LOL! Umm… isn’t that a good thing? Maybe if she “helped” him masturbate every once in a while she’d be in the mood more often.

Perceptible
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 10:15 am: [report]

Although it does sound like more of a relationship issue than a sex/masturbation issue.

Alison Wonderland
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 10:29 am: [report]

Regular masturbation is probably the reason why he supposedly ‘lasts too long’. If he masturbated less wouldn’t he finish quicker during sex? Can’t these two compromise? Clearly signs of bigger issues…

Jessica Wakeman
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 10:31 am: [report]

I dunno, twice a day is A LOT of sex if his wife’s libido is only once/twice/thrice a week. Sure, she should be more respectful of his needs, but HE should also be respectful of HERS. Her having sex with him even though she may not be in the mood probably won’t be great sex, anyway. 

His wife definitely should not object to or try to control his masturbation schedule. I agree that it sounds like a relationship issue at its core.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 10:32 am: [report]

@Alison: How do you come (Pun) to that conclusion?

fallonthecity
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 10:34 am: [report]

I actually used to date a guy that did this.  Until then, I’d never had a problem with a guy masturbating—I do it too, no big deal.  But when I was with this guy, he had a *schedule* (much like the one this guy describes).  He’d be happy to leave one of those times out if I let him know ahead of time that I want to have sex, but… that made it difficult to make sex spontaneous, EVER.  If I ever tried to put the moves on him but hadn’t let him know ahead of time, it was a no-go.  Eventually, I just gave up.  So, I don’t know this guy’s wife, but maybe she has a point.

Queen Frostine
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 10:43 am: [report]

Why is it considered wrong by some people to masturbate within a marriage? Why can’t it be a healthy indulgence? It’s not that my needs or his needs aren’t being met, it’s just that sometimes it’s nice to be with oneself, just like it’s fun to hog the Ben & Jerry’s to yourself and not share it.

sam04
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 10:43 am: [report]

I don’t see why that would be a big deal.  If she doesn’t want to have sex as often as he does, let him take care of business on his own.  However, I’m the type who may not want to have sex twice a day, but I’m certainly keen to assist.

shannac02
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 10:54 am: [report]

Good Lord, Let the poor man whack it! Geez.
I guess I just Don’t Get what’s so bad about it. As long as he’s still interested in sex with his wife, what’s the problem???

CthisSunshine
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 11:03 am: [report]

A man that lasts is a good thing. I think there is nothing worse than a person who shames masturbation. What a mind-#&@$% his wife is. I can’t imagine what a comando she must be between the sheets… Poor guy. She should worry when he doesn’t want to make love to her anymore. What then?

emflow
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 11:08 am: [report]

I don’t see why everyone is putting this all on the wife - the label “bitch” was really uncalled for. This couple has some issues and we’re only getting one side of the story.

But Prudence’s advice was awful - “Maybe if you make the decision to do something else with your hands (whittling? knitting? flossing?)” - Really? I’m amazed that made it into print. She could have at least suggest some constructive ways to communicate about masturbation and sex or suggested they consider counseling.

kristy1584
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 11:17 am: [report]

My bf masturbates at LEAST 2 times a day. Sometimes more. It doesnt bother me one bit. For one, we are in an LDR and only see each other every other weekend. For two, I do the same thing myself. He doesnt masturbate when Im there bc we have sex like the world is ending. But if I werent in the mood and he wanted to masturbate, fine by me. Have at it fella!

Goldfinch86
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 11:20 am: [report]

Yeah emflow I agree, she is not a “bitch”. For all we know she might have a medical condition that makes sex painful, she may just not have the hormones for it anymore, or she like many women who have jobs are just plain tired. There are times when sex is painful for me because of a polyp so yeah if not have sex often makes me a “bitch” then I am too. I think there are deeper issues at hand, do they have children? If so are they young? How long does she work? I’m sure she does house work and might cook. I’m not feeling so sexy after cleaning my house all day either. Yeah and as someone pointed out maybe the bigger issue is him using porn, many women don’t like their men watching porn because it’s “cheating”. I guess we’ll never know.

EvilDuckie
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 11:22 am: [report]

I’m a bit confused as to why you would ask an advice columnist who calls herself “Prudence” about masturbation. Granted, I have never read this particular column, but first impressions and all. For me Prudence is synonymous with prude, and I would seek another source of advice.

And as for the wife, she should lighten up a bit and either give him a hand, or ignore it.

reanerbean
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 11:33 am: [report]

It just seems weird that he has it so scheduled.  That to me says it’s more of a habit rather than when he’s horny…  It’s gotten to the point that his wife is saying he’s lasting too long… it sounds like he’s lost sensitivity to *ahem* his wife due to his hands.  If it were taking my guy forever with me, I’d begin to feel a little inadequate too, whether it were justified or not. 
I personally think there is no problem with masturbation in marriage, especially with differences in drives.  But it shouldn’t interfere with a healthy sex life, and there’s usually a lot more going on when there are sex issues.  Handy-man needs to talk to his wife, even if he doesn’t say the exact right thing.

Jill
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 11:37 am: [report]

The wife is not a bitch for not wanting to have sex.  I said she’s a bitch because of the line:

“Moreover, she complains that I “take too long” and says she would be more willing if I were “normal” and didn’t last so long. My wife also has suggested there is something wrong with me for wanting to make love or masturbate as often as I do.”

I would NEVER tell my husband that there is something wrong with him for wanting to make love to me.  Or that he is not “normal” in bed because he takes a long time.  Obviously she is not taking his feelings into consideration at all.

MochaMama42
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 12:08 pm: [report]

Sounds as though they aren’t compatible sexually… I agree with Jill. I hope my next husband has this man’s sex drive…

cattgirl813
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 12:35 pm: [report]

I think Prudence is sort of living up to the “prude” in her name.  Here’s how I see it: The husband has a stronger sex drive than the wife.  Always has if you look at that “believe me I’ve tried” line.  The wife also sees his masturbating as a rejection of her (even though she knows she has a lower libido) and she’s probably embarrassed or ashamed of her lower desire combined with his twice daily sessions.  I get this from the “normal” and “lasting too long” comments.  They both have some work to do.  Wife has to come to terms with the fact that Husband has a higher sex drive than her and that his masturbating is addressing his needs.  This is not a rejection of her because he still eagerly wants and enjoys sex with her, consistently tries to reassure her that he’s not rejecting her, is not looking for sex outside of the marriage, and is willing to work on the problem.  Wife also needs to explore her feelings about sex and sexuality.  My guess is that there’s some shame or repression when it comes to sex in her background.  Husband needs to find a way to meet his needs in a way that doesn’t threaten Wife.  Can he perhaps, for the short term, masturbate when she’s not around or do it in a way where she’s not aware of what he’s doing?  Of course, no matter what, Wife has to learn not to freak out when she finds Husband masturbating - that it’s about addressing a sexual urge, not turning away from her or the marriage because he knows she has a lower libido.  He also has to come to terms with the fact that she sees his attempts at intimacy as an approach for sex, whether or not this is the case.  He should try intimate approaches just for the sake of being close.  These gestures should not take place around the time he masturbates, and at the start should not take place in the bedroom.  Give her a kiss and walk away.  Tell her he loves her at unexpected points.  Hold hands when they are running errands.  If he doesn’t do so, help with the chores around the house.  Get her used to getting intimate contact from him without having sex attached to it.  When Husband makes these gestures, she has to be receptive to receiving them without bracing for an overture to sex that she’s going to reject.  Both of them should talk to a counselor who specializes in sexual problems couples have to talk out the issue.  They both have to be willing to be completely open and honest when they see this counselor in order to get to the root of the problem.  Telling him to “do something else with his hands” is kind of silly.  This guy should’ve written to Dan Savage instead of Prudence.  I hope they’re able to work out their issues because it sounds like they love each other and want to be together.

Symian
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 12:45 pm: [report]

How tragic that they have been married for so long and he’d rather write to some woman on the internet instead of talking to his wife and family doctor so they can find the best way to get help.  No man should have to be ashamed or worried about how much he masturbates and how little he has sex with his wife. 

You would think this woman would enjoy it when she can and appreciate the times that he has his own play time.  In fact, since she lives with him and they’re married, she should be interrupting his single sessions and to show him that she can do it better.

HitOrMissJudy
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 01:07 pm: [report]

I think this is one of those letters where you need to read between the lines. He’s writing to a female advice columnist and completely panders to her using the whole “making love” (barf) language. This is a guy who rubs one out twice a day—I highly doubt he’s as sensitive as he’s attempting to appear.

He also talks about lasting “too long,” which is such a transparent bid to get a woman’s sympathy. After all, wouldn’t we all want a guy who took his time? Please. It depends on how long. If he’s trained his chub to respond only to his own fist, we could be talking raw and ragged by the time he gets around to getting off.

I have no problem with masturbation at all, but judging by this guy’s language, he seems fairly manipulative. I think that’s what Prudence might have been responding to.

pornqueen
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 01:23 pm: [report]

I don’t see masturbating as a problem.  We need to learn how to please ourselves.  You know, practice makes perfect.  Once you know how to bring yourself to cum, then chances are you’ll be able to do with your partner in oh sooo many ways.  So jerk away!

cattgirl813
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 01:28 pm: [report]

@HitOrMissJudy: You may be on to something there.  It still indicates there’s a problem with the way they communicate with each other and that’s the bigger problem.  The counselor would be able to sort out the issues from the bullsh**, so I hope they go.

rbk14
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 01:43 pm: [report]

What guy doesn’t spank at least once or twice a day?  Perfectly normal behavior for any well-adjust male.  And at least he’s self-pleasuring himself instead of looking elsewhere for it - if she can’t or won’t deliver the goods then spank away, my friend.

assilem
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 02:37 pm: [report]

Sure, stop masturbating and get a mistress instead.  Seriously, of all the things the man could be doing to fulfill his sexual needs when his wife does not want sex, masturbation is the best option.  By her telling him not to do it, he will either start hiding it from her or will get someone else to fulfill those needs.

Bad Breakup
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 03:30 pm: [report]

The first sentence clues you in as to how messed up this relationship already is:

“I have been married for seven years, but I am still troubled by how to speak openly about masturbation with my spouse.”

Seven years? Still can’t talk about masturbation? I think that shows that these two are probably pretty closed off from one another. They probably don’t share poop stories, either. How tragic.

bbpickles
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 03:39 pm: [report]

At least he’s not f-ing his secretary….She should be happy he is doing it at home.  That may sound bad, but it’s true. 

My bf and I have the best sex I have ever had, he claims the same and he still rubs one out in the shower or after work on a daily basis!  It’s not a problem if you have a good relationship…..

Dave The Rave
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 05:00 pm: [report]

As a single guy, the “M-word” is a ‘safe’ way to please myself.  Also, they do say that having a climax before bed makes you so worn out, you almost immediately fall asleep.  So, if he needs “Willy” as his sleep aid, fine.  As for ‘waking up’ Willy in the AM, it gives you a bit of a rush.  I know.  Been there, done that.  Also, maybe him reahing orgasm and spilling his seed in private is a way of Birth Control.  Still, if he sees it as a source of pleasure, that’s one thing.  But, if it becomes his sole source of gratification (she can’t please him), then the two of them need to talk.

Michael
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 05:47 pm: [report]

it’s his body right?  then I don’t see why she has a say in it

TotallyRidiculous
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 06:58 pm: [report]

Maybe she doesn’t like it as much and thinks it lasts too long because she’s not enjoying it.  Maybe he isn’t very good in bed.

SeaWorthy
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 07:24 pm: [report]

My guess is wife is shaming husband’s masturbation because she feels guilty about fulfilling his needs; or she may think that his sex drive should match hers as she may feel her drive is the “correct” drive as she complains that he “takes too long.” Maybe it is a mixture of both.

Having been in, and left, a marriage that turned sexless shortly after the birth of our child…I completely understand how frustrating it is to be in a relationship where sex drives do not match and one party completely controls the when/how/how often of sex. There needs to be a wedding vow that states, “I promise to willingly and enthusiastically have sex with you ‘x’ number of times a week/year.” Agree upon the number, once a week, once a month, once a year….at least you both know the minimal level of expectation.

Wife should be grateful that Husband is taking care of his own needs….

alpikann
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 08:56 pm: [report]

i was in a relationship for 6 years and i used to get a little annoyed when my boyfriend masturbated BUT that was because i had the higher sex drive and when he did it was a choice between me and that.  i’m the one who had to masturbate at least once a day, he didn’t want to have sex everyday and almost never twice a day and he would give me excuses of “i didn’t think you’d be in the mood today.” 

honesty about these things is very important, it never seemed to bother him that i took care of my own needs after feeling out his mood but he was never honest about his.  it was a problem in our relationship and obviously the communication could be a lot better in theirs as well.

fred71
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 09:23 pm: [report]

‘‘I completely understand how frustrating it is to be in a relationship where sex drives do not match and one party completely controls the when/how/how often of sex.’‘

Amen to that. Try being male, married, in your mid-30s, and being told by your wife that once every month (or more like once every other month) is “normal” because some web site or other says it’s normal. Bah! At this point, once a week would be manna from heaven. As the partner with the high libido, don’t tell me masturbating is wrong. Sheesh.

EarthGoddess
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 09:43 pm: [report]

@cattgirl813: I love your comment ... you made so many excellent points! Very well said!

My husband has a MUCH higher libido than I do, and I know he masturbates at least daily (usually while watching a porno). I’m aware of it, don’t want the details of it, and have no issue with it since he still is interested in making love to me when I am interested. Since my drive is on the low side (always has been), I really can’t complain to him about it if he needs it more often. I much prefer it to him looking outside of the relationship for someone else ... that would devastate me. So, his self-pleasure has become our preferred alternative for when he’s in the mood and I’m not. I think this man’s wife has to stop being a control freak and start trying to understand her husband a little more. They should see a counselor and try to work out their communication and control issues first, and her sexual issues as well.

As for Dear Prudence, I’m an avid reader, but I’m starting to think Emily Yoffe has a few cocktails in her before she answers some of her letters. Her advice has been getting a little sloppy lately ...

Alison Wonderland
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 09:52 pm: [report]

Cheese: Most chicks wouldn’t complain that a guy ‘lasted too long’. In this case though, if he masturbated less wouldn’t he likely finish more quickly during sex? From every guy who’s ever muttered something about not getting it on in a while as an excuse for why they didn’t last that long I have come to this conclusion.

Love Muffin
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 09:53 pm: [report]

The wife should make him a dirty video, of them having sex or her masturbating herself. My boyfriend and I masturbate for each other atleast once a day because he is stationed in a different country. You shouldnt persecute someone just because they love orgasming and your not helping them get it. Work around it.

MissChaotic
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 11:20 pm: [report]

Someone’s libido is shot. I wonder if she needs female Viagra…

But yea…Um, if I were married, I would probably still masturbate…can’t always have perfect timing.

fallenangel915
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 05:35 am: [report]

I wonder how she would feel if the tables were turned…if he were the one who got offended if she masturbated…I ask because I’ve been in this situation before…a guy I used to date used to be upset because even though I’d still have sex with him whenever he wanted, there were times I’d rather just “take care of myself” than have sex. It is sad that her husband feels like he cannot talk to her, but I can also understand that because why should he have to explain a normal behavior? I’d worry more if my man didn’t jack off at all…

nicefrenchgurl
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 10:13 am: [report]

i knew a guy who pressured his wife into having sex at least SIX TIMES EVERY DAY
they were a lovely couple, but i dont know how she could cope with a day to day life lol

EarthGoddess
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 10:18 am: [report]

@nicefrenchgurl: Good Lord! How the hell did they have time to eat, work, sleep, etc? Wow ... that’s a heavy schedule to maintain!

H. Blue
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 10:22 am: [report]

This couple doesn’t sound sexually compatible at all.. makes me wonder if she ever had sex with him.  Or ir might signal that she’s got other issues that need to be addressed.  When I was in my 20s, there was a period of probably a year where I wouldn’t have sex with my husband, and it was typical for us to go weeks or months without.  It was an indication of serious problems in the relationship- we’re now divorced.  And, since then I’ve discovered that I have a pretty high sex drive.

Queen Frostine
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 10:32 am: [report]

Low sex drive could be a number of reasons. Depression, prescription drugs, sexual dysfunction, juggling kids and job, exhaustion, diet and exercise, etc. Always a good place to start looking when a couple becomes sexually incompatible.

CitizenK
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 04:43 pm: [report]

If his masturbation isn’t affecting their sex life, what is her problem? He’s taking care of his own sexual needs in a healthy way. Good for him.

babychels09
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 08:27 pm: [report]

Women don’t want sex as often because were not in the mood.  In order for us (women) to have sex our minds need to be clear.  Men will never understand that Women are wired differently.

duckie
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 08:34 pm: [report]

I have a higher libido than my partner, so its not necessarily men who always have higher sex drives- and its not the discrepancy between the couple’s sex drive that seems to be the problem.  It sounds like the wife is trying to make her husband feel bad about his sexual needs to hide her insecurities. It sounds like they should go to some serious counseling or end the marriage.  Someone already said this on this thread, but its not always about being in the mood- its about respecting your partner’s need and compromising (like everything else in partnership.

canadiancutie
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 10:08 pm: [report]

I wish my man would last a bit longer sometimes. And the problem is, he’s not masturbating ENOUGH. For the time being we only see each other on weekends. If he would jerk off maybe the day before or during the week instead of waiting the full 5-days until we have sex again, he wouldn’t be so damn sensitive during the first round. A high sex drive is desirable in a man, particularly if it’s only being directed towards you!

Dave The Rave
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 02:45 am: [report]

Yes, the woman does sometimes have a higher sex drive than her man and it is a bit ironic.  If the guy have a higher sex drive and wants more, he is a pervert and she is upset and tells him so.  However, if the woman has a higher sex drive and he “can’t keep up”, then she gets upset with him and makes him feel inadequate, which only makes it worse.  Also, I get a catalog and there is one pump for a guy, but many ‘aids’ for the woman.

Adventurous1
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 06:33 am: [report]

I am a woman who has a problem with her husband masturbating but I have the OPPOSITE problem of the woman in the article.  I have a much higher sex drive than my husband AND I’m very multi-orgasmic.  Under normal circumstances my husband rarely turns me down. 

I never experienced problems with him “going too long”.  To me, there is NO such thing seeing as how I have such a high sex drive.  In fact, when he was masturbating, he had trouble maintaining erections in the middle of sex.  That was problem number one. 

Secondly, since I do want sex more than he does, I objected to him jacking off instead of telling me he wanted to have sex.  I’m not getting enough as it is!

Thirdly, he inevitably jerks off to gay porn.  My husband and I are bisexual but when that side began to cause problems between us, we mutually agreed to give up porn in general but especially the gay porn since there is no way to justify that he was visualizing me in it.  (Yes, he tried that.) 

Furthermore, we have been trying to get pregnant.  Masturbation depletes the sperm count. 

I agree that there is a need for counseling between the couple in the article.  They definitely have communication problems.  The problems between my husband and I were improved immensely by using the tools we learned about communication and sensitivity.

Adventurous1
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 06:41 am: [report]

And thanks to cattgirl813 for her very insightful observations!

EastCoastMale
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 07:12 am: [report]

Adventurous

Your situation definitely does have some layers of complexity although some of it I dont really understand where the problems is personally but then thats just me. I personally don’t think that there is a need for counseling for this couple on this specific matter but maybe just on how to communicate in general. That being said, it seems as though they are communicating enough to know what the other is asking for and enough to brush it aside. It sounds to be like the male half just has a high sec drive and she either has other issues that may not be from a marital cause or just that she have a low sex drive and they are not compatible in that department.

I too get the feeling that his wife is shaming him into feeling a certain way, this may just be an indicator of how their relationship doesn’t work on any level really and it is not just a bedroom issue.  The issue that I take with the article is, why is his schedule of taking care of his needs such a problem? if she doesn’t want to have sex with him then don’t complain about what he does to satisfy his obvious high sex drive.

Fast Eddie
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 08:12 am: [report]

Only twice? Poor baby, I used to do 3 or more times a day.  Now it’s once a week and not always getting and orgasm at that.  Not to worry, but age will equalize the drives of these two, then she’ll be the one wanting more then she gets.

Bean's Girl
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 09:09 am: [report]

A lot of men would just go to another woman.  I think the wife should be proud of that man for controling the situation like he does.

She probably does feel like #&@$% though, because it does seem a little selfish in a way because he’s going on HIS schedule.

I mean, how hard do you think he really tries to get her to have sex with him.  It’s probably like “Hey, honey, can we have sex tonight? No? Ok.”  (((whack whack whack whack))))

Him jerking off so much is probably the reason he is lasting so long with her.  Maybe he should back it down a bit.

greatfindsct
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 10:09 am: [report]

Well I have a husband the same way, EXCEPT that numerous times I’ve come on to him, only to say to me “I’ve already jerked off today”, and turn me down.  I admit, there are times when I say no, but it’s not like he’s wanting to all the time anyway. It does hurt, and maybe if this guy spent less time jerking off, more time romanticizing his wife outside of the bedroom, he may find she actually wants to have more sex.

duckie
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 10:16 am: [report]

This couple needs counseling because they don’t communicate well.  We know he is feeling shamed by his wife’s reactions and can’t talk about masturbating to her after 7 years.  I would say there is a good chance they would benefit by having a neutral 3rd party help them talk through things so they have a happy, healthy sex life.  Its possible that they could work it out themselves, but given the length of time that they’ve been unhappy (at least he is unhappy for sure, and she seems to be as well) I doubt they could work through it.

duckie
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 10:19 am: [report]

also there is a million things that could be going on that we don’t know about from his letter- Dear Prudence really shouldn’t have given him any definitive advice at all.

EastCoastMale
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 12:24 pm: [report]

@Bean’s Girl
I am a tad curious what makes you think that he makes such a half hearted attempt and getting her to have sex with him? Also, do you mean he should back it down so that way he won’t last as long with her and be able to move on? If so, I definitely agree.

@greatfindsct
Is there a distinct difference that you feel in the reasoning given when either you or your husband is not in the mood? basically, is it more hurtful to you when he is not in the mood from jerking off than you think it is to him when he is in the mood and you don’t want to?

runningonempty58
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 12:43 pm: [report]

I think that Cattgirl and HitorMissJudy could be right—but only if the guy is an unthinking horndog who jsut wants to get it over.  I was the high drive person in a mismatched drive relationship for more years than I would like to admit.  I think that when these problems arise, sex is not the primary problem.  so, I think communication about sex is helpful—but probably incomplete.

Second, done correctly (which I might add is a lot of fun) masturbation can provide a lot of control and not leave you yearning for Ms. Rosey Palm exclusively.  Ex wife complained that any length of time is too long.  Current girl friend sometimes want things finished—which I am happy to oblige—but sometimes enjoys stretching limits on capacity.

So, maybe the guy is telling the truth.  But, I suspect that this guy and his wife need at least one first rate therapist to unravel the problems.  Sex is the tip of the iceberg.

greatfindsct
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 01:36 pm: [report]

EastCoastMale:
Yes it is more hurtful when he says NO because I already jerked off….when I say no, it’s because I worked all day, came home cleaned the house, made dinner and took care of our 3 kids while he relaxes on the couch. Hmmm, what do you think would be more hurtful?

explodingmango
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 03:49 pm: [report]

I totally agree with HitOrMissJudy on the language issue in his letter.  The language this guy uses is really tailored to manipulate the female advice columnist, as well as any female who would read the letter.  Also, they way he presents his case is this: basically, if only his wife would make love more often he wouldn’t need to whack it twice a day, and he wouldn’t have to feel the terrible terrible shame that she places on him.  This thought process is called taking the victim stance. He views himself as the victim, acting somewhat noble by masturbating and sparing his wife from sexual intimacy.  When, basic logic would indicate that unless he is masturbating by mimicking the softness of a woman’s vagina, he is desensitizing himself to such; therefore, the sex act with his wife will be longer. All in all, there is nothing really wrong with this guy masturbating twice a day, the issue seems to be his thought process (some cognitive thinking errors) and that he and his wife have different expectations and assigned morality about human sexuality.

sultrylover09
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 08:37 am: [report]

its hard to believe that his wife is complaining about him lasting too long. I mean u often hear about women sayin that we men don’t last long enough, here this woman is complaining that her husband last too long. Its not like he jerking off after they have sex or b4 they have sex he jerking off when they dont have sex at all. it seems like more often than not this is the case. I think that if she was really feelin sometype way about him jerkin off that she could either join in with it (help him out…u kno a little “manual” sex) or just deal wit it takin too long, unless it aint doin anything for her. If he isnt pleasin her and he takin too long then it is a waste in my eyes. I mean as a man i believe that the woman should recieve some kinda pleasure in it. I feel that as a man imma get off, whether it b orgasmic or not is another story but i feel like once u get the first one out the way u bound to go longer and harder…but i always want my significant other to get hers as well…makes the love making a whole lot better when u have to two tired worn out people layin next to each other than one…

Isabel K.
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 11:01 am: [report]

Where is this guy?!  I would love to meet a man who wanted to have sex twice a day (and a good, long sesh at that!).  People should make sure that they’re sex-drives are compatible before they marry.  And the wife should stop trippen if she wants him to stick around.

mividavegan
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 05:21 pm: [report]

Better his hand than another lady.
Just sayin’!

asugarbowl4u
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 08:23 pm: [report]

The lasting too long thing could be that he is used to the tightness of his hand. They have been married for seven years and it is now an unbearable situation? I have no problem with my guy masturbating.  I have often walked in on his pleasuring himself. Sometimes during sex he will do it(medication issues ) after I reach an orgasm and I participate in whatever capacity he wants If the chemistry is right there are no limits. Sometimes I will participate in his pleasing himself and vice versa.  SO WHAT!!  Maybe she should try not letting it be solo all the time. Sounds like the problem goes beyond sex.

PinkRanger
wrote on June 20 2009 @ 02:11 pm: [report]

Man, so many people on here seem to be so thrilled and proud of this guy for not screwing another woman. I don’t think that theres anything wrong with a guy masturbating because hes horny, but c’mon, is it really that hard not to cheat on your wife? Should we really be throwing around kudos because he has miraculously managed to keep his penis out of other women? cause wow…...my guy must be a superhero.

retro chic
wrote on June 20 2009 @ 05:45 pm: [report]

Well, the first thing that struck me was that…
*He never said he “loved” his wife or that he was in a “happy” marriage*
...in the original Slate/Prudence article. Even his pseudonym betrays him—“Illicit Self-Lover”... why not something like “Loving Husband Needs a Helping Hand”... you get the idea… someone truly wanting help for a marriage/wife that he cares about.
So, I think HitOrMissJudy’s and others’ concurring comments are more on target. So, like more others here, there are more relationship issues going on, esp for a marriage of seven years.
Btw, there *is* such a thing as too long, going beyond boring, and into pain and soreness—and the repeated trauma of that does not make for enthusiastic encounters. They have each been conditioned to nonintimacy-building responses that are harder and harder to bridge in a marriage, which I believe, lacks love—the only real “lube” that can begin to mend these two. I seriously doubt he practices any of the things Cattgirl so eloquently named (bravo)—and she has long given up expecting.

Pepper
wrote on June 20 2009 @ 09:00 pm: [report]

@retro chic, as always your input is filled with great perspective. Hope you keep it coming! I wonder if there would be a way to rekindle love in that marriage, possible by involving her in his masturbating, like others suggested? But yeah, definitely there is such a thing as *too* long, just as there is too short. I have, unfortunately, experienced both in my short life. There is, however, a happy medium in there, but where it is may be a little different for everyone. It would have been nice to know that they weren’t very sexually compatible beforehand, but that doesn’t mean they can’t both be more satisfied with their sexual relationship in the future. Sex therapy is a thriving industry, if they could find a good honest sexual therapist (not a quack or scam-artist)I bet they could find a happy compromise satisfactory to both. The fact that he is already reaching out for that kind of help even a little is at least a good sign that he’d be receptive to it…

onewriter
wrote on June 21 2009 @ 03:05 pm: [report]

sultrylover09: you definitely have a point.  And when more than one thing is done in a love session, the chance of fulfillment for both people goes up.  Two replete, IS better than one.

rowdygirl
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 01:08 pm: [report]

If he chooses self pleasure OVER her, THEN there’s a problem. He just sounds like a normal guy and she should be glad he’s interested in sex. My ex could go for months with zero interest. 
  My new man handles this issue (hahaha) at least once a day (he’s 45, I’m 47)and it doesn’t interfere one bit. granted, we only see each other on the weekends due to travel distance, but even then it’s not an issue. He’ll take care of business on saturday morning before he comes to my house and still go for hours.  He’s highly sexual and this is just part of who he is. Works great for me. I would much rather have him handling his own business than letting someone else do it for him.

Green_Viking
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 03:46 pm: [report]

@Pinkranger - Your boyfriend possesses loyalty. A good thing! Sadly, it seems from what I hear from women all the time, this is not true of many men my age.  As a guy who probably masturbates twice a day at least on average, I still have not instantly [CENSORED] the first “other vagina” to give me the chance when I have not been getting any from the missus. Not to say I have not looked when legs are shifted at picnics and the like. Never know when girls are going commando unless you check!

@Cheeeeese - I am 29 and I certainly hope I will still be masturbating regularly and ready to to go ala @rowdygirl’s man when I am 35 or 47 or bloody 80.

@HitorMissJudy - Seems likely..but sad.

As for “times a day” for masturbation or sex… Everyone is different, but I think most women would be a lot more sexual if it wasn’t for our damn societal hangups.

I mean really, women do not have a (physical)refractory period (Maybe a tiny one after a really powerful orgasm) and self-lubricate given the proper pleasure
(foreplay, hitting the “back wall”) and a steady supply of water and electrolytes. (More people should think about dehydration when it comes to stamina issues. Just sayin).

Katyuha
wrote on July 4 2009 @ 12:11 am: [report]

Sounds like she has some issues with her sexuality. Poor guy, either give him space or #&@$%, just join him. Could be an enlightening experience for the both of you. Foreplay anyone?

Ghirardelli
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 03:27 pm: [report]

Sure, what woman would want her husband to masturbate twice a day, and I would be a little upset as well, but at least he’s not doing it with other women! And he’s still atracted to her, even though she sounds a little stuck-up. Obviously they need to work on the intimacy together.

tiffanytlc
wrote on August 15 2009 @ 01:26 am: [report]

is this normal, ?! i am dying to know.  my bf jerks off to porn magazines AT WORK and then lies to me about it, then confesses a few weeks later and says that hes ashamed of it, even though i am extremely open about the subject.  then when we try to hav sex, he can hardly get it up or i feel like hes being lazy or not as into me as he used to be… then i ask him why he has to jerk off when he has a perfectly perky gf waiting for him and he just doesnt have an answer for me. i feel totally lost and its creating some tension.

duhh
wrote on October 25 2009 @ 02:40 am: [report]

some people should be so lucky as to have it last “too” long