The #1 Reason Guys Beat Up Their Girlfriends
Posted by: YourTango.com
Filed in:
guys
10:00AM, Tuesday March 17th 2009
Rihanna may think that she’s back to making sweet music together with her battering boyfriend, but she is sadly mistaken if she thinks he will never hit her again. Men who batter rarely do it once, even if they are rich and famous. So if you’re in a relationship with a guy who has pushed, hit or slapped you once, take it as a warning sign. You can expect him to do it again and again.
Here’s everything you need to know about batterers, from domestic violence experts Diann Ackard, a PhD psychologist on the board of Break the Cycle, an organization specializing in the treatment of domestic abuse, and Candice Hopkins, director of Love is Respect, the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline.
1. Batterers have an intense need to control the women they love: The biggest misconception about these guys is that they have “anger management” issues. They don’t. They don’t blow up at work or at the driver who cuts into their lane. Instead they have an overwhelming need to control their loved one—how she dresses, where she goes and whom she talks to. That’s why, before they actually start using physical violence to stay in control, they are often constantly phoning and text messaging the object of their affections so that they know exactly what she is doing at all times.
2. Batterers do genuinely love the women they beat up: In fact, they are often obsessively in love with their girlfriends or wives, which makes them even more jealous and controlling—they just don’t know the proper way to express it. They most likely grew up in a home where there was violence. Apparently Chris Brown hated when his stepfather beat up his mom.
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Dmun
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 12:20 pm: [report]
Thanks for trying to address this in a conscious manner. It’s sad to see people’s knee-jerk reactions to Rhianna going back with Brown: she’s a victim and this is a hard thing to kick.
And as 2 points out, Brown probably does love her—too much.
This is what makes these co-dependent and abusive relationships so dangerous.
par3
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 02:25 pm: [report]
#2 makes me not want to leave, even when i know i should.
hawaiianpeach
wrote on March 17 2009 @ 11:08 pm: [report]
The main reason they do it is because they are a holes.
debra2012
wrote on March 18 2009 @ 09:54 pm: [report]
Let’s take a closer look at Oprah’s statement, which claims that “If a man hits you once, he will hit you again”. One hit does not establish a pattern of abuse. There is nothing on which to base any guess that “…he will hit you again.” How do you determine the probability of recurrence without examining each case on its own merits – character traits, the history of the subject relationships, facts of each case, etc.? This sounds like stereotyping to me. A stereotype is “a fixed notion of a person or group, allowing for no individuality”.
debra2012
wrote on March 18 2009 @ 09:55 pm: [report]
My concern is that we are using the Rihanna and Chris Brown incident to stereotype men who are involved in one-off (isolated) instances and other minor occurrences of domestic violence. I would hate for a child or children to lose a good father because a vulnerable mom submits to pressure from those who stereotype men, particularly men who were involved in a single episode of domestic violence.
debra2012
wrote on March 18 2009 @ 09:58 pm: [report]
We (humans) are programmable creatures of habit. Until we are set in our ways, it is easy to point us in a new direction, and even after we are set in our ways, we can be reprogrammed. The key here is to stop the habit from taking shape.
eden
wrote on March 18 2009 @ 11:00 pm: [report]
I agree with debra2012 in the sense that one hit does not establish an abusive relationship - we all make mistakes and I’m sure plenty of us have hit our man on a one-off!
However, to me, repeatedly slamming someones head against a car and threatening to kill them sounds like part of a pretty abusive relationship to me, and I don’t think that complaining about stereotypes here is going to help anyone - whats done is done re: Rhianna and Chris and will probably continue to happen. Complaining about stereotyping is not going to allow us to use Rhiannas situation to help other women and men in abusive relationships.
PTBLESSED
wrote on March 29 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]
RE: DEBRA2012 COMMENTS; FIRST, I APPRECIATE ANYONES OPINION, BUT UNTIL YOU’VE GONE THROUGH IT ITS HARD TO RELATE. FROM MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES, THE FIRST THING AN ABUSER DOES IS SHOWER YOU WITH AFFECTION & ATTENTION. BEFORE YOU REALIZE ANYTHING, HE IS SLOWLY BUT SYSTEMATICALLY REMOVING YOU FROM ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY. WHETHER IT BE BY MOVING, OR JUST FILLING YOUR LIFE UP WITH HIM. ONCE HE HAS GOTTEN CONTROL OF THAT SITUATION, HE MOVES ON. IT DOESNT TAKE LONG THEN FOR ABUSE TO BEGIN, EITHER-MENTALLY,VERBALLY,EMOTIONALLY OR PHYSICAL. SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN. IT WILL BE SOOO EMOTIONAL FOR HIM AND HIS SINCERITY WILLBE SOO REAL, THAT YOU WILL BELIEVE HIM. AFTER A FEW MORE INCIDENTS, IT WILL BE TOLD TO YOU (AND BELIEVED) THAT IF YOU HADN’T DONE THIS OR SAID THAT, WHATEVER, HE WOULDN’T HAVE TO HURT YOU-YOU CAUSED IT TO HAPPEN YOURSELF. BY THIS TIME YOU ARE TOO ASHAMED TO ADMIT TO ANYONE WHAT YOU HAVE LET HAPPEN TO YOUR LIFE AND SOUL. IT BECOMES A SURVIVAL INSTINCT JUST TO LISTEN SO AS TO LESSEN THE PAIN. IT WILL NOT, REPEAT, WILL NOT STOP UNTIL YOU CAN ESCAPE AND BEGIN YOUR LIFE AGAIN THE WAY GOD INTENDED, NOT SOME WHINNY, INADEQUATE LITTLE BOY. GOD BLESS TO RHIANNA AND ANY WOMAN CAUGHT IN THIS, YOU CAN TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE!
Kiki T
wrote on March 29 2009 @ 12:52 pm: [report]
and to add, Chris Brown didn’t just hit her once, like smacked her in the heat of a battle, but he beat the crap out of her. sorry, that kind of abuse tends not to be just a random incident.
PTBLESSED
wrote on March 30 2009 @ 03:31 pm: [report]
I WAS REALLY HOPING TO HEAR FROM DEBRA2012 - I WANTED TO KNOW IF SHE HAS EVER BEEN IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP? BUT, I WILL LET THAT GO AND JUST COMMENT ON SOME OTHER THINGS SHE WROTE. YOU HAD SOME BIG FANCY SENTENCE ABOUT DETERMINING RECURRENCE, EXAMINING EACH CASE ON ITS OWN- TRAITS, HISTORY,AND MY FAVORITE-FACTS! HONEY YOU ARE NOT GOING THE FACTS OUT OF ANY ABUSIVE WOMAN, BECAUSE HER SHAME AND GUILT OF LETTING THAT HAPPEN WILL PREVENT IT. AND IT IS NOT - “STEREOTYPING” - WHEN THE REALITY IS THAT WHETHER ITS VERBAL, EMOTIONAL, OR PHYSICAL ABUSE - THE “ABUSER” IS IN A GROUP! PEOPLE WHO NEED CONTROL IN THEIR LIFE NO MATTER HOW THEY DO IT! NOT “STEREOTYPING” DEBRA, BUT “REALITY”! I HAVE NEVER KNOWN ‘1’ ABUSER WHO “EVER” HAD AN ISOLATED OCCURENCE AND BELIEVE ME THERE IS NOTHING ‘MINOR’ ABOUT ANY ABUSE! DO YOU REALLY WANT CHILDREN TO GROW UP WITH THAT? I REALLY DONT KNOW YOUR AGE OR EXPERTISE ON THIS, BUT AT 53YRS, WITH EXPERIENCE OF “ALL” THE ABUSES, AND COLLEGE FOR PHYCHIATRY AND SOCIAL WORK, I THINK I KNOW A LITTLE SOMETHING OF WHAT I SAY!
quelly
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 12:53 am: [report]
many ppl have so much to say about women who are in abusive relationships. you dnt knw and never will until you in one(watch hopefully never happends) im 19 yrs old and been wit my 23 yr old boifriend for 2yrs. after the 1st yr slowly he started to get vilent. a puch here and there, i got promised it would never happend again. months later he hit me and my chest and so on. he has back handed me and slaped the #&@$% out of me. im not proud of this, buh i am still in a relationship wit his man. its hard to leave sumbody wen your still in love and he is only abusive every few months. i jus wish thire was a way to get myself outta this situation
meredith806
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 10:10 am: [report]
Quelly: Please, please, don’t stay with him. Reading your post, the level/frequency of his violence has already gotten worse. I can guarantee you it’s not going to get better, or stop.
Your still young, don’t get yourself brainwashed and trapped into this sort of relationship. The longer you put yourself through this, the more problems your going to have when you do get yourself out of this situation.
Sorry to be preachy, but been there. Get out, get a restraining order if you feel he will try to hurt you after ending things. Hell, I moved to end my problem. Just don’t stick around and wait for it to get worse.