Why Do Strong Women Like To Be Dominated?
Posted by: Jessica Wakeman
Filed in:
sex
10:30AM, Friday May 29th 2009
Imagine a woman: She has a college degree and a job, she pays for her own house and car, and she’s not intimidated by any man for any reason. She’s smart, independent and strong.
Isn’t it a puzzle, then, that she has sexual fantasies of being dominated?
Actually, researchers say, it makes perfect sense.
In perhaps the most fun assignment ever, Psychology Today‘s news editor, Matthew Hutson, has been blogging about why strong women fantasize about aggressive lovers. Mmm, do tell!
Way back in 1973, researcher and therapist E. Barbara Hinton interviewed women about their fantasies and—surprise, surprise—women said they fantasized being “forcefully taken.” She discovered women fantasize about aggressive lovers because it makes the women feel desirable, not because they like being physically hurt or rejected.
In recent years, University of Kansas psychologist Patricia Hawley has picked up where Hinton left off. In April, she published a paper in the Journal of Sex Research that studied how the genders respond to domination fantasies. Both men and women enjoyed fantasies in which they were dominant, but socially dominant women were actually more turned on than anyone else by submission fantasies.
This led Hawley to probe further. The rationale, her studies seem to indicate, is that ladies don’t enjoy the forcefulness itself as much as the idea that an overpowering passion is bubbling over behind that forcefulness. A socially dominant woman, in particular, was more likely to fantasize she was sexually irresistible and was turned on by the idea that her partner was so engorged with lust that he was going to burst.
But that’s not all—Hawley has performed yet another study on the subject. She asked both men and women to read six different versions of saucy vignettes so she could monitor the reactions. Five of the stories had a different sexy theme removed each time. As Hutson at Psychology Today‘s blog wrote:
“It turns out that force was the only element whose removal didn’t significantly reduce the vignette’s appeal, a finding that supports Hawley’s view that forceful submission fantasies are ‘generally construed as an ardent, passionate pursuit rather than force per se.’...For alpha females, apparently, submission is empowering.”
It totally makes sense, doesn’t it? It’s not the legions of women who like to be tied up or who enjoy a swat on the ass are pain-loving masochists—no, aggressive partners make them feel like they’re being lusted after! Men would be wise to figure this out.
Also, Patricia Hawley of the University of Kansas? Call us—we’d love to help you out with your studies! [Psychology Today Part 1 and Part 2]
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jojo32
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 10:35 am: [report]
As a ‘strong’ woman, I can totally relate to this. In my everyday life I’m the kind of girl who doesnt take sh*t from anybody, I speak my mind, etc. I’ve had no small number of guys tell me that I’m intimidating. (hehe) For some reason, having my hands pinned over my head while he’s kissing me and so on…just does it for me.
And now my heart’s beating fast. 4:30 needs to hurry up!
EarthGoddess
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 10:41 am: [report]
My ex was totally submissive to me, and I hated it. It was boring. My husband is the complete opposite, a take-charge guy, and it’s so hot! I love it!
Arty
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 10:49 am: [report]
Maybe I’m more of an alpha female than I thought. Time to go strut around the office like I own the place!
writergirl
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 10:53 am: [report]
I can TOTALLY relate to this. The explanation fits me to a “T”.
VocalVal
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 10:53 am: [report]
When you are “strong” and in charge of everything and responsible for everyone (whether actual or perceived), I have found it INVALUABLE to have that safe space. A person with whom I don’t have to think (if I don’t want to), where all of the decisions (and ripple effect successes and failures) are not mine alone.
After years of being the “I can do it by myself” poor female delegator, and in relationships with men who were comfortable with that, I am grateful for catching the eye, sharing the time, and developing love with a man worthy of my submission.
PS
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 10:57 am: [report]
I deal with P*****S all day, the last thing I need is to go home to one.
I really like letting go with, and letting someone else take care of me for a change.
Jessica
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 11:47 am: [report]
I totally relate to this, too. I’m smart & strong (& I’ve been called intimidating before!) but I love being “chased.” And there’s something really sexy about being able to be free of inhibitions and trust another person completely.
brandyalexander
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 11:49 am: [report]
@ jojo… i know! and i have a two hour drive to nyc tonight, too… oh, man…
EastCoastMale
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 11:53 am: [report]
I say speak on this from a womans point of view obviously but I definitely could see that attraction as explained by the others posting. I am a guy that is assumed to be dominant given my height or something I suppose. It works out though, I love to pin =)
EastCoastMale
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 11:54 am: [report]
say = can’t
jojo32
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 12:11 pm: [report]
@ ECM…ok, you’re killin’ me.
EastCoastMale
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 12:23 pm: [report]
uh oh….I dont know if thats an “I want to kill you wink” or a curiosity wink. Either way, I will wait to be sure to expand my answer lol
jojo32
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 12:39 pm: [report]
It was a “I’ve still got an hour before I can get out of here and conquer the sexual frustration that reading this column in my office has caused me” wink. Does that help?
Hahaha
EastCoastMale
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 12:45 pm: [report]
that does pretty much spell it out…although it makes me more curious than anything lol
I knew I would back myself into a corner in one of these posts. I will be polite =)
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 12:47 pm: [report]
@jojo32: This is a form of submission, the ultimate tease. You know you like it.
jojo32
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 12:50 pm: [report]
Curious? LOL Well in 40 minutes my boyfriend is coming to pick me up at work. And then, well…
BeASimpleMan
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 12:50 pm: [report]
ECM i have the same issue…chicks usually expect me to be dominant because I’m a big, stong guy, and I’m usually happy to oblige. One of my issues is that I’m a typical “alpha male”, used to being in charge of everything in my life and dominating meetings/conversations/relationships. Its nice to let the ladies take over once in a while.
jojo32
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 12:51 pm: [report]
@ CheeeEEEEse: I wont deny that.
EastCoastMale
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 01:05 pm: [report]
BeA..
I can only share the experience as far as being prejudged to be dominant, but I dont mind it as much because it turns out that I am, only in certain aspects of a relationship lol. I would much rather listen in person than do the talking and I am the same way in meetings. Not to say that I am a doormat but I definitely dont consider myself an Alpha male. I wont over explain this one, dont want to get the site an NC-17 rating lol
Jessica
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 02:06 pm: [report]
@JoJO“I’ve still got an hour before I can get out of here and conquer the sexual frustration that reading this column in my office has caused me”
Thanks for the compliment!!!!
z3nger
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 02:11 pm: [report]
I agree with and relate to the phenomenon that strong women like to be dominated but I’m not sure I totally I totally get the ‘scientific explanation’ offered here. For me, it’s not really about showing how much I’m desired or wanted. It turns me on when my boyfriend takes control because I control everything else in my life and the bedroom is the one place where I’m submissive and at his mercy and it’s just different. Yes, it’s important that he wants me badly but there’s just something so appealing about a strong, in-control man who can tame someone like me.
Bad Breakup
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 02:13 pm: [report]
I can see this one from both sides. In most aspects of my life, I am a leader, and I like to be in charge of the situations around me. So I’ve always had an appeal for the dominant, powerful woman who’s not afraid to go for the first move and tell me exactly what she wants. On the other hand, when I’m in a particularly manly mood, there’s nothing quite like throwing a woman up against a wall and having my filthy way with her, haha!
sam04
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 02:27 pm: [report]
Six months. Six, long months.
metricula
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 02:44 pm: [report]
Yep… that sounds right.
Dagny Taggart, anyone?
Gingee
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 03:12 pm: [report]
This Alpha Female has one reaction to this: Being Dominated whatever, and a question:
The only thing I would tolerate is a guy’s picking me up and carrying me to the bed.
The rest of that stuff: No way.
The questions: Why can’t you Americans just enjoy sex?
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 05:52 pm: [report]
@gingee: You just answered your own question, we’re Americans. We need everything bigger, louder, and more aggressive or we can’t come.
Gingee
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 08:09 pm: [report]
And that is such a shame. I’m from Europe, and my guys are from Europe.
I’ll wager that Americans do not know that it is possible - and whooo-hooo - for the gal to have sex - pardon the crudenesss - with the legs together.
But then I’ve never heard such ugliness as “Why didn’t she keep her legs shut?” *shivers*
If only they could have been an ear-witness to my guy and me, as he wrapped his legs around mine, arched my back,
pulled me so close to his heart, yep, legs closed, and the hits just kept on a’coming.
Gingee
eskim00ninja
wrote on May 30 2009 @ 07:09 am: [report]
Whoa. This must be saying I’m independent then, lol.
Bad Breakup
wrote on May 30 2009 @ 08:19 am: [report]
...What the hell just happened to this thread? I think The-Chocolate-Man might be some kind of grammar-imparied porn-bot. No offense if you’re not, but you don’t need to hold down the key of the last letter of every other sentence.
And Gingee, I’m an american, and I know all about having sex with a woman’s legs closed. And I’d wager that I’m not the only one that does. America is the porn capital of the world, do you really think we don’t enjoy our sex? Well I, for one, definitely do.
HermannM
wrote on May 30 2009 @ 10:24 am: [report]
Very interesting… I think there is a certain freedom that comes from submission whether its sexual or otherwise but we are all too tightly wound to allow ourselves to be so vulnerable. I also don’t think it’s an either/or thing. You can be dominant sometimes and submissive at others and switch back again. All of one or all of the other isn’t appealing and I think that is what I’m hearing.
HermannM
wrote on May 30 2009 @ 10:30 am: [report]
Very interesting… I think there is a certain freedom that comes from submission whether its sexual or otherwise but we are all too tightly wound to allow ourselves to be so vulnerable. I also don’t think it’s an either/or thing. You can be dominant sometimes and submissive at others and switch back again. All of one or all of the other isn’t appealing and I think that is what I’m hearing.
misspixie
wrote on May 30 2009 @ 12:33 pm: [report]
My ex was a bit submissive. Actually, he was just fundamentally dull in bed…hmm. I hated that. I have been called intimidating more times than I care to remember and I am headstrong and know what I want and have a strong personality. I much, much prefer having a guy take total control in bed. Saying that though, there are occasions when I like being the one in charge, but not very often. I think it has something to do with wanting to be wanted and desired and have a guy show me that actively. xx
kate_mi
wrote on May 30 2009 @ 12:55 pm: [report]
@metricula
Props for the Atlas Shrugged reference.
puck
wrote on May 30 2009 @ 01:41 pm: [report]
It’s not just passion, it’s having a partner that can *keep up with me.*
firefly
wrote on May 31 2009 @ 09:45 am: [report]
just an observation, but I’m in sales and I work around a lot of Type A men….successful, good looking and personable but focused and driven at the same time, this being a quota based business.
Most of the ones I got to know (platonically!) are totally into being dominated by a woman when not in public. It was explained to me once that since they have to be ball busters all day long, it’s nice to come home and not have to do anything. Course in public, different story.
Gingee
wrote on May 31 2009 @ 03:46 pm: [report]
I do not care what Other People do in the privacy of their homes, but: One thing that is always repulsive is when some guy tells me what he has done with another gal.
YUCK. If he will talk about them, he will be talking about me.
I do NOT like being dominated, I like being protected from Predatory men.
*Note to self* Skip the current generation of men and wait for the younger ones to turn 18.
wild-ting
wrote on May 31 2009 @ 05:04 pm: [report]
Well that’s not it for me. I like to be dominated in the bedroom (sometimes) because I get tired of being the boss. I am a leader in my profession and I have a strong personality that makes me the leader in my pack of friends. Sometimes I just don’t want to be the leader, and I like it rough. No not pain, not force…nothing masochistic. Just make me do bad things, sexy things
wild-ting
wrote on May 31 2009 @ 05:13 pm: [report]
firefly: I have a similar observation. I have dated and I have a lot of male military friends. The higher ranking, strong-personality ones all like to be dominated sexually. I thought this was overly coincidental. Not only do they like to be dominated, they all love strong women. A couple of them like to see women dressed executive-like but still looking sexy—no skimpy lingerie for them. A younger soldier that I know likes to be dominated AND likes older women. He’s 23 but only really wants to date women in their late 30s early 40s. He’s a hunk! but has trouble getting the women of his desired demographic to be interested in him.
theattack
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 12:11 am: [report]
I’m so glad to hear that I’m not the only take-control kind of gal that also likes to sometimes be controlled (in the bedroom and nothing uncomfortable). Outside of the bedroom, I naturally take control of most things and lead a lot. In the bedroom, I want to take control sometimes and be controlled sometimes. And mostly it’s because I want to know that you want me so much you can’t help it. Same reason I would enjoy a passion against the wall make out session as soon as I walk in the door. There’s no time to move somewhere else when you want someone that much. I want you now.
eskim00ninja
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 03:40 pm: [report]
@wild-ting I know what you mean! My man is Military! Oh Yeah! It’s hot when he wears a gun holster thinginy too…
erys
wrote on June 7 2009 @ 08:08 am: [report]
....? this is not obvious?
women and men who are powerful and strong wish to be dominated for the same reason; they want to be cared for, swept away, managed, controlled, etc. it’s hardly a mystery.
however, the reverse isn’t true; dominants aren’t people without power, just people who like to retain it.
all those white male ceo’s with shocking and sordid sex lives? this is the shock. the sordid part is that their presumptive sexual partner isn’t ggg, as per dan savage, so they feel compelled to cheat.
ah, wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone could come out without judgment. wow would the world be a more interesting place.
e~
Gingee
wrote on June 7 2009 @ 09:00 am: [report]
Ahem, among my friends, all of whom are Alpha females, we share one view: REVULSION at the idea of being physically restrained. Not only is it sickening, it is scary to even imagine beign at the mercy of these subspecies polymorphous perverse sorts.
I am a dominant: And any guy who comes at me with the proposal that he do anything like that will get just what he deserves. Safety first.
And then we get together and talk about the freak and what he wanted us to do, which can be useful:
*vicious smile*
When said WASP CEO wants to harm a male we care about.
I would agree to do that dominating for one reason: To have the Video Camera rolling, and the guy might have sex but it sure would not be with me, or necessarily anything resembling Homo Sapiens.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 7 2009 @ 09:18 am: [report]
@gingee: Despite the fact that the internet is a pseudo-public place, I’d like to point out that of course your alpha-female friends are going to say that they are repulsed by the idea. This is a “put on a different face for different situations” kind of thing. They would be talking to you in public, have you ever been in their bedrooms during sex? So how would you know?
Their alpha-femaleness prohibits them talking about their sexual preferences for the fear that they would appear weak, weird, or not in control 24/7.
Just food for thought.
Gingee
wrote on June 7 2009 @ 09:27 am: [report]
Could be, but given that we get together and are brutal about what we say, I tend to believe them.
The one thing I want to hear about: My brother told me that females have asked him to tie them, face down, and do things to them - his response, not even if hell freezes over -
and my only question:
Why not tie them and then leave them there.
bethylane
wrote on June 8 2009 @ 10:21 am: [report]
AMEN.
I’m so socially dominant I see submissive guys and it irritates me—doesn’t seem “right” to me. Is that sexist? oh well. I prefer to be told what to do (and forcefully too) because it takes that social role off of my shoulders, not to mention gets me going.
A - MEN .
EscapeHatch
wrote on June 23 2009 @ 05:17 pm: [report]
@GINGEE - Man Europe must be a dull place if all the alpha females refuse to have a little fun. Domination doesn’t have to involve ropes, straps and restraints. It can be just him telling you a position to get into, or taking the lead.
If you trust the one your with, and enjoy the sensations of being out of control (even something as simple as a blindfold to heighten other senses) then why would that ever be revolting? The person will still respect you and the whole idea is that they would never harm you.
Personally, being in a male dominated field (yay engineering) there is something very exciting about spending the day on the construction site in a suit and killer heels (knowing the guys notice) and then coming home to a man who loves you for your heart, soul and is willing to let you let go of your restraint and control a little.
Gingee
wrote on June 23 2009 @ 07:18 pm: [report]
I would not know if the rest of Europe is dull. I do not ask.
I am talking about MY prerefences,and among them: I happen to find this kind of thing to be sick, as well as degrading,immoral as well as disgusting.
I would not respect myself were I to permit some slitch to treat me like a street walker.
For my guy and for me, it is about being gentle, soft and loving.
For the rest of you who prefer being treated That Way: Have at it, and oh, yes, if we - who are The Shapers of Society hear about it - we wil shun you.
And yes, one gal made the mistake of talking about the things she permits her owner to do to her, and we’ve been laughing at her ever since, and the silly old bat still pretends to not understand what she did wrong.
She blabbed about her husband’s bedroom behavior, and even told us the name of his company, expecting us to become customers. No way.
It would be like some guy who shakes your hand and then says that he masturbates ten times a day. Kinda makes ya want to soak that hand in bleach. It might not be illegal but you sure do not want to be touched by that sort.
cherikee
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 03:02 pm: [report]
Who made you a “shaper of society” Gingee? You sound pretty closed minded and juvenile to me. Certainly not someone I would want shaping everyones society.