My Uterus, Husband, and I Agree – No Children

EastCoastMale
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 09:04 am: [report]

I am a male and I feel the same way. I know you must get many more comments and/or questions due to the perceived want that every woman should supposedly have to want kids but I agree 100% percent that it is a choice and not a given. Just because someone, male or female, doesnt want kids doesnt mean they dont like children or are some naive person that will suddenly see the light at a later date. I find that especially irritating when people say “you’ll change your mind”, I think it is partly to bring people over to what they consider the correct side so that they feel more normalized and dont have to worry about seeing someone living a full and happy life without them. Im sure there are many things that people enjoy but do not enjoy being around enough to have one of their own. Not comparing children to objects, just trying to draw an analogy.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 09:38 am: [report]

This is an April Fools post, right?

Rose
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 10:00 am: [report]

@Gabby1 - you say the less intelligent people have one child after another and the more intelligent have few or none.  Makes you wonder about Darwinism, though, doesn’t it?

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 10:23 am: [report]

@Rose: Watch Idiocracy, and then you’ll know what we mean.

Perceptible
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 10:33 am: [report]

I wish more people thought this way! Too many people have kids because they think that’s just what you do. They don’t realize it’s a choice. I have 2 kids that I am hopelessly and completely in love with. But having children is a completely different lifestyle choice than being child-free. It also completely changes the dynamic of your relationship.

The only people who should have children are those who desperately want them, not people who could take it or leave it. It’s too hard, too frustrating, and too big a commitment for it to be any other way. I applaud anyone who is in touch with themselves enough to know that they don’t want children. It’s not selfish. It’s the very antithesis of selfish.

miriamele
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 10:34 am: [report]

Regardless if this is an April Fools Post or not, it’s one I certainly appreciate. I do not want to have children (most of the time) and my reasons are the same as those posted here. I AM a selfish person but I’d much rather accept that, move on, do my volunteer work and make the world a better place with the free time I have, then have a child and end up having resentment in my heart.

Cherished_One
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]

I respect your position 100%.  It is unfortunate how we pick and choose how much of past traditions we wish to carry over. We (men and women) want to make independent choices in our lives but when it comes to babies and marriage we are quick to jump to be “Little House on the Prairie”.  For our ancestors, I ponder if marriage was for joy or utility? Is marriage to provide a space for procreation or is it about having a life partner?  As a kid I was always told that we all have a purpose on earth and everybody ain’t meant to be a mommy and a wife. So if thats not what you and your boo want so be it, that just means, you’ll be the coolest aunts and uncles around.

Meg the Conqueress
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 10:57 am: [report]

It’s not an April Fool’s post to me.  In fact, I want to kiss the author’s feet right now.  She gets the concept that I’ve desperately tried to make my child-oriented friends and family grasp: I am not my uterus.  I have uterus.  It has the potential to do amazing things.  But so does my expensive exercise bike that I never use because I hate to frakkin’ exercise.  Or, to throw in another analogy, my uterus is like my second kidney.  It’s kind of nice to know it’s there, but I could live without it without much regret.

Unlike the author however, I’ve never been overly fond of children.  At family gatherings, I’m always the one outside absorbing the sun, the peace, and the quiet after dinner instead of down on the floor with the kids.  I bear them absolutely no ill will, of course, and I’ll talk impulsive, embarrassing baby-talk to an infant as fast as the next gal,  but aside from that, I personally want nothing to do with them once they start talking.  I know the world needs children and those children need good parents.  Would I be a good parent?  Hell, no, because I don’t want kids and have no mothering instinct to speak of.  Just because someone is childless doesn’t mean they can’t do their part to work in the best interests of mankind.  Anyone heard of volunteer work?  Simple concept.  Or not so simple, apparently.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 11:04 am: [report]

Meg gets me. Very well put.

cattgirl813
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 11:06 am: [report]

I’m 41 and childless by choice.  I can’t tell you all of the crazy things I’ve heard about my decision.  Here are some of my favorites:

“But you’ll end up old and alone!” - This came from my mom.  When I asked her would it be rational to have a child strictly for the purpose of being taken care of when I’m older instead of a real desire to have a child, she backed off.

“That’s crazy.  ALL women want children.” - This came from a guy I was interested in.  I then told him that I must not be a woman, because I don’t want kids.  He stopped calling, saving me the awkward “it’s not me, it’s you” conversation.

“It’s your biblical duty to birth your husband healthy babies.”  - This came from a gynecologist.  I told him that if my husband wanted babies, he was more than welcome to have someone else birth them.  I also told him that HIS duty was to see to my physical well being, and save the preaching for someone who cared to hear it.  (I’m an atheist too.)  I also reported him to my state’s medical board.

“You’re too young to know what you want.”/“You’re going to be too old to have babies if you wait too long.”  - I’ve heard this one so many times.  When I reply that I’m willing to take the risk and deal with the consequences, I get a blank look followed by some justification of childbirth or a dire “you’ll be sorry.”  I made up my mind when I was 20 and 21 years later, I’m still very content with my choice and still very not sorry.

develange
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 11:55 am: [report]

THANK YOU. While I am still in my early twenties, unmarried, and have plenty of time to “change my mind” . . . I have never wanted kids. The THINGS people have said to me in response. Why should I have to justify my choice? It’s not like the population is dying out.

So THANK YOU again for reassuring me I am not a freak for being a “non-breeder.”

EarthGoddess
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 12:01 pm: [report]

I felt this way until I became pregnant with my daughter. I was 20 and she was a total surprise to me. I had been with her father for 4 years at that point, and we had spoken of marriage in only abstract terms since we were so young. We decided to keep the baby, and get married. I was sick for 9 months, had a difficult delivery, and suffered from PPD for a year ... so it was not at all an easy transition for me. Although the marriage to her father ended when she was 6, I honestly don’t know what I would ever do without my little girl. She has brought my life immeasurable joy and I would be incomplete without her.

Even with all the love I have for her, I can agree that those who are not willing to give themselves totally to their children should not have them. It happened gradually for me, but my life has profoundly changed forever. I know a few people whose parents didn’t experience the profound life change that I did, and it shows in the way they live their adult lives. Parents who have children to feed their own egos, or conform to society, raise children who often experience extreme hardships as adults.

If you don’t want to actively parent a child, don’t have one.

killahTRAMP
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 12:33 pm: [report]

Finally someone that agrees… whether this post is meant to be silly or what-not… I agree with it completely. Haha. It’s almost as if you read my mind, collected my thoughts and wrote it all out for me. I’m only eighteen and hear all the time that I’ll change my mind…blahblahblah. But quite frankly, I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. I know what i want and I definitely know what i don’t want… I don’t understand why it’s such a huge deal in society, that the decision or opinion is so “wrong” - at least in the reactions that I’ve received…- to not feel the need, desire or instinct to have children. I am selfish, I don’t want kids and I am not ashamed to admit that or have an opinion.

cattgirl813
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 12:44 pm: [report]

How come not wanting children is selfish, but wanting children isn’t?  I never got that concept.  I think that if a person knows they do not want children and decide not to is a very selfless decision - you’re not bringing an unwanted child into the world, you aren’t setting yourself and the other potential parent up for all drama that comes with custody battles, parenting disagreements, and the day-to-day work that comes with having a child.  What’s selfish is knowing what you want - whether it’s not wanting to have kids but not being honest about it, or wanting a kid and partnering with someone who doesn’t, and then trying to impose your beliefs on your partner.  Individuals have to do what’s best for them, and we also have to be grown up enough to accept those decisions - impacts and all.  The people who try and change minds via guilt or righteous indignation strike me as the selfish ones.

kristy1584
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 12:48 pm: [report]

Im the same way. I dont want kids either. I love them but I also love being able to give them back when Im sick of them… Good for you for standing up for what YOU want! I love my freedom. If I want to pick up after work on a friday and drive to the beach I can and dont have to worry about finding a baby sitter or dragging a kid along! Its my decision. Just like its anyone else’s decision to have kids should they choose to!

sportzriter13
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 01:15 pm: [report]

I respect your decision, but a couple of things…
firstly, please respect those of us who DO plan to have children. To some, they may be a status symbol, but not to those of us who truly care. Just as I don’t hate you for not having children, don’t hate me for deciding that I (eventually) want them.

Second, this is exactly how my aunt and uncle planned it-he’d had children from a previous marriage (adult children), and when he married my aunt they decided not to either. But…fate has a funny way sometimes…
His son’s girlfriend had a baby (no one knew she was pregnant). The son and girlfriend are NOT at all interested/equipped/capable(her other children are in state custody, no prenatal care). Baby Lily was going to go into the system…but instead my aunt and uncle took her in. Lily is thriving (healthy as can be) and I’ve never seen them so happy. She brings so much joy and zest to the family.

I must say, thank you for knowing your needs/wants/abilities. Lily is so lucky her grandparents took her in, instead of being shipped out to our overburdened foster system. Unfortunately, not all kids get that lucky. By encouraging people to think for themselves, and really consider their abilities as parents, hopefully foster care will become a thing of the past, or a lesser problem in the future.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 01:30 pm: [report]

@Sportzriter13: Who has kids as a status symbol? Just because you have boy and/or girl parts doesn’t mean you need/should have a kid.

sportzriter13
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 01:37 pm: [report]

I’ve babysat two of the most demonic little boys on the planet- mom and dad went to work to escape the little brats they created…by having no sense of how to instill discipline. They would give in to whatever just so the kids would shut up.

I agree with your sentiment-just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

SassySexpert
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 01:58 pm: [report]

I feel that all too often people have children not because of a genuine want to fully and consciously love, support, nurture and educate a child but because their contraception failed and/or they feel like it’s just one of those things that they’re supposed to cross off the list of the American Dream.
Get married? Check.
Buy a house? Check.
Have babies? Check.

However, unlike buying a house marriage and having children involve other people and doing either just because you’re “supposed to” will cause a lot of dissatisfcation throughout life….

retro chic
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 02:13 pm: [report]

Juniper Foolin’ or not, her post reads a bit like a delayed, judging high school “rantifesto” on breaking free of family/peer-pressure. The topic just happens to be “I Am Not My Uterus.” I think it should be “I Am My Confident Grown-up Choices, and I’m Ignoring The Rest of You.”

I must say, in this day and age, who in their truly SELF-CONFIDENT ADULT mind (*see below) feels the need to justify their choices? Those who want kids, have ‘em. Those that don’t, don’t. The rest are a relative minority of accidents, intimate marital negotiations (tho, I’d hate to think how many of those were a result of peer pressure), or are on the fence.

Grown-ups listen to themselves, and ignore the rest. As a pro-choicer, I embrace anyone’s decision to have or not have children. I even embrace the “accidents!” Sorry for those still stuck in “Others’” expectations. Life begins when you “Embrace” that one.

——-
* My definition of SELF-CONFIDENT ADULT:
We’re not independent adults until we separate from parents, ie, 
The family we grew up in is NOT our family, it is our parents.’
Our husbands are OUR family units, CHILDREN OR NOT.
Our peers are not our friends if they judge us; the good friends we educate without judging them.
We become Self-Confident Adults ready to make those big baby choices only when we’ve gained true independence.

Until that happens, no one (Juniper) has any business making heavy-handed pronouncements (disguised as choices), let alone babies. I think her decision to not reproduce is a good one.

Syrupnhoney
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 03:03 pm: [report]

Yes!
I love this article!!! I absolutely HATE HATE HATE when people tell me “that’s what i said too, but you’ll change your mind!” as if having a child is like making the decision to go fake tanning for the first time or like some other decision that has a limited impact on your life.  I want so badly to say: “Who the eff are you to tell me what i want for my life!?!”
It’s so good to hear that I am not alone in sincerely not ever wanting to have children.
Thanks!

writergirl
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 07:49 pm: [report]

If you don’t want children, won’t regret not having them, and your personal happines doesn’t hinge on them, then don’t have them.  And I applaud your decision.  Parenting is hard and not something to be entered into lightly.

You know yourself best and what makes you happiest.  If children don’t factor into that equation, there’s nothing, nothing wrong with that and I commend you on going against societies dictates by not having them.  That takes courage.

msalistar
wrote on April 1 2009 @ 10:53 pm: [report]

This is great. Especially as a mid-thirties aged woman who decided a long time ago not to have kids. And I don’t keep it secret, my family, and potential partners all get to hear it up front that my uterus is not for rent for a 9 month incubation. I’m more then happy to let others in my family, including my sister who just announced in a non-April’s Fools manner that she was pregnant again, and my friends have all the babies they want without judgement. So, stop questioning my choice.

I found so many people think of less of you because of a decision that is really none of their business. Why do so many others feel like we are losing out by not breeding? I am more the happy to dote love and my life experiences on my nieces and nephews, I just don’t want to take them home with me every night.

Doing what you want versus what other expect and want from you is going to lead to a happier and healthier life, and isn’t that what we are all after?

EnlightenMe
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 12:36 am: [report]

I’m really happy that I read this story here.  I’m currently 19 and in college in the grand (and freaking cold) state of Minnesota and have a few friends who think exactly the same way that you do.  It’s completely understandable that you have come to the conclusion that you have because hey, kids are not for everybody.

Right now I’m on the fence myself, granted there’s the whole issue of whether or not I actually can or should have kids based on my health record, but they’re definitely something that I think about when considering marriage and women.  Before I volunteered my junior and senior years in high school to coach the younger kids’ YMCA swim team I wasn’t sure what I thought about children.  That experience was so rewarding and fun though, knowing that you’ve had a positive impact on the life of a child, having my own kids with the woman that I love and adore is more appealing than ever before.

I think this summer I am going with my parents to have some more DNA testing done.  Keeping my fingers crossed for some good news.

theoldman
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 09:16 am: [report]

Enlighten Me has a very valid point. I was exposed to Agent Orange and had non Hodgkin’s 35 years ago. Agent Orange carries a high probability of spina bifida in children.  I could have gambled but chose not to because I would not want to knowingly bring a child into this world that would face those problems.  It is more responsible for some one to chose NOT to have children that are unwanted or face other issues than gamble.  There are plenty of single parents who are looking for love and can use the support if you want to have a family. If you personally chose not to have children for any reason that choice is wise.

SpecialK
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 10:07 am: [report]

I’m approaching a big number past 45 and have NEVER regretted my decision not to have children.  I thought at this point I might have some second thoughts but haven’t yet. Don’t let society tell you what you should do with your life. It’s Yours to live freely with your own choices!

EnlightenMe
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 10:08 am: [report]

@theoldman

I’m really sorry to hear that your illness kept you from having kids, however, I think the choice you made was wise.  You also make a very good point when you say that there are single parents out there that need love too.  It’s good to get all the different perspectives

joyy
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 10:48 am: [report]

Word.  And I am BEYOND sick of the whole notion that people who don’t want children are selfish - as if wanting to have children wasn’t just as (if not more) selfish!  After all, you’re inflicting your lifestyle/choices on a child because you want someone around that loves you (and that you love too, of course). 

I think the only truly selfless entry into having children is a) keeping an unplanned baby or b) adopting a child who already exists and needs a loving home.  Otherwise, choosing to have your own kids is purely about you fulfilling your own desires (which=being selfish). 

Not that that’s a bad thing - I’m not having kids because I don’t want to, so if you want to birth your own kids, go for it.  Being a little selfish is a good thing, as long as (as someone else pointed out), you don’t just shove that onto a partner w/o considering what they want.

As for getting older and changing minds - I figure if one day I really do develop the urge to raise kids, I’d rather adopt, even if my bio clock isn’t past due.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 10:57 am: [report]

@Joyy: From Websters Selfish: “arising from concern with one’s own welfare or advantage in disregard of others” I don’t see how a future child can be considered ‘others’, so how could you be selfish, just a thought.

I agree about ‘your own kids’ and being selfish, good point.

joyy
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 11:16 am: [report]

@cheese: Just the motivation for planning/having your own kids.  It doesn’t benefit anyone or anything but your own desires (hopefully shared if it’s w/i a relationship), it’s all about what you want, in that case what you want being having a family. 

As I said before, that’s not a bad thing.  But it’s serving a person/a couple’s personal desires and that seems just as ‘selfish’ as choosing not to have kids to me, moreso given the child has no choice in the matter.  Using the webster definition, not having kids wouldn’t count as selfish either since not having kids means there is no ‘other’ to disregard.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 11:22 am: [report]

@Joyy: “Using the webster definition, not having kids wouldn’t count as selfish either since not having kids means there is no ‘other’ to disregard.” Isn’t that what I said?

Personally I don’t want children, freedom is more important than procreation in my opinion. And there isn’t anything weighing down the ship of freedom more than an anchor shaped kid.

joyy
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 11:28 am: [report]

@cheese - thought you meant for folks wanting kids.  Webster’s definition is moot when an over-arching notion from those rude enough to pester those of us who don’t want kids is that not wanting kids is selfish. 

Besides, tons of words have connotations outside the actual dictionary definition and as any teacher will probably agree, starting anything with “Webster’s defines X as ...” is just a bad idea.

missduplicity
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 01:36 pm: [report]

I’m with retro chic on this one. You don’t want to have kids, that’s great for you. But I don’t really understand the need to proclaim your desire to be childless to the world.

Think it makes you unique? It doesn’t. Think it sounds a little offensive and uppity to women who do have children? It does.

You don’t need to justify your decisions to enjoy them. So, don’t.

Ultimately, you are just saving yourself the humiliation of having to one day realize that no child could ever be cuter than MY son.

EarthGoddess
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 01:39 pm: [report]

@missduplicity: .... or MY daughter!

missduplicity
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 01:43 pm: [report]

@EarthGoddess…

Arranged marriage?

I can’t be having any fug grandchildren, I need the prettiest girl in the world for my devil spawn.

(LoL. How old is your daughter? My Eli is about to turn 3.)

joyy
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 01:47 pm: [report]

@missduplicity - I don’t think most people who relate to the author run around screaming their child-related choices from the top of their lungs.  If you blog about romance/love/sex/life/being female, it seems relevant to blog about it - and readers will comment.  That’s how blogs work (right?). 

Look at the rest of the Frisky posts - something related to love/sex/life/being female/whatever happens in an authors life, and when that’s what the blog is about, they write about it.  Just like the reasons to be single post.

I only ever talk to people IRL about it if they ask, and that’s rare unless we’re close friends to begin with.  No one should have to justify their decisions to others not intimately involved in those decisions… but a lot of us get pestered and end up with offensive stuff being hurled at us because of it.  And we get frustrated and like to rant a little (doesn’t everyone?). 

Hence the blog ... also, here’s to hoping that people who *are* rude about it will read the blog and understand that their intrusion/judgement is rude and none of their business.

EarthGoddess
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 01:47 pm: [report]

@missduplicity: My Bonnie is a gorgeous smart witty raven-haired beauty who is 8 1/2 years old ... would an arranged marriage with Eli make her a Kiddie Cougar? LOL

missduplicity
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 01:49 pm: [report]

@EarthGoddess - Bonnie is a cute name. And, hey, that whole cougar thing is all the rage now. Eli’s tall for his age. (haha. I’m totally writing him a letter for his baby book later about how mommy likes to pimp him out on the internet. He’ll like that.)

EarthGoddess
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 01:51 pm: [report]

@missduplicity: I’m doing the same thing ... we’re shameless! (all in good fun though!)

missduplicity
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 01:55 pm: [report]

@joyy

I guess what I was getting at is more the tone of the blog than the fact that her childbearing decisions were blogged about. Of course if that’s a big decision for you, it would make sense to blog about it…but not in a defensive, “I don’t want kids because I’m better than that” sort of way.

I happen to love taking my kid to the grocery store…I may not look fresh and bubbly if we happen to have an off day (“Mommy I want the marshmallows, PLEASE mommy the marshmallows!”), but it doesn’t mean I somehow regret having borne a child that I’d eventually have to drag out shopping with me.

I would be less annoyed by this blog if it had focused on people judging you/bugging you for not having kids (which *is* a legitimate problem), than a blog about how atrocious she finds the idea of motherhood so of course it can’t possibly be for her.

shanka
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 06:27 pm: [report]

@ missduplicity…i absolutely agree, especially with your last paragraph. my complaint with this article is that snotty attitude that some have (i’m certainly glad i didn’t have any little brats to tire me out at the grocery store and dirty my carpet…).  one person mentioned earlier that those who have kids are less intelligent and another suggested that having kids may be more selfish than not having them. wow. the intelligence thing only makes sense in it’s entire context: those who pursue higher education (for better degrees thus mo’ money!) are less likely to have children…i think we can safely argue that in the spirit of upward mobility oftentimes child rearing gets kicked behind or delayed only to be delegated to beleaguered nannies (i know this from many, many years of personal experience: parents who relentlessly pursued titles and positions; for their kids, of course, you know, college is expensive, and only saw the kids before i took them to school and after i put them to bed).  as for the more selfish….really? maybe the madonna’s and angelina’s of the world are having kids for status, and that’s a maybe because i won’t be so arrogant as to declare their intentions, but it’s ridiculous to call selfish those who will spend the rest of their lives worrying about and providing for the well-being of another person. if you don’t want children, fine. leave room in the world for those who want to parent. but let’s leave the name-calling and whatnot for the schoolyard.

rsncrntz
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 07:31 pm: [report]

In an ideal world, people who want children would have them, parent them well, and be able to provide all of the things children need. Those who don’t want children would not be pressured to have them and would get just as much respect for making a choice about their lives. Unfortunately, we’re not in an ideal world. My husband of nine years changes his mind and decided that he really does want children and expected that I would change my mind along with him. My mother barely speaks to me now because I’m denying her a grandchild and I will be alone when I get old. My sister says that she’s sorry for me because it’s different when it’s your own child and she can’t imagine life without one. I want to get sterilized so that I don’t have to deal with anyone else getting false expectations, but my ob/gyn won’t do it, so I am shopping for another one. No one should ever mock anyone else’s choice, but I can feel some sympathy for women who don’t want children being a bit defensive. I never thought I would ever be defensive about my choice until the people that I love realized that I meant what I’d been saying all of my life and started treating my like less of a person.
(As a childfree person, I’m very grateful to the good parents around me! I love kids and am always happy to spend time with my nephew and my friends’ children. I’m not grateful, however, for the woman who was too busy talking on the cellphone to keep her child from throwing cheerios at me this morning.)

retro chic
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 07:49 pm: [report]

@shanka: you get it/me too, thanks. I agree, there has been a bit of projecting, as well, as name-calling, hasn’t there. You nailed some other good ones, too.
@ missduplicity, Thanks for jumping in; catching heat I see. Glad to know there are others who didn’t get the author’s grandiose need to PSA on the world either. I agree about her tone that, for me, was immature and absurd, so as to make me laugh except that I was offended, too.  She’s not going to please everyone. But it’s all good, there’s room for all. ps: my daughter’s cutest too.

Honestly, imagine the posts if an article appeared with exactly the opposite position and the same attitude/tone! Maybe it’s partly a gen’ thing…

Strange how this creates such defensiveness since there are only 4/42 posts dissenting. The projecting part? A blog should be a safe public place to let one’s hair down to rant where differing opinions aren’t called rude intrusions. Perhaps if the frustrated Don’t Wannabes’ directed rants to the ones they’re frustrated at IRL, it would make them happier people, enlighten others, and would make rants more credible and sympathetic. There are two sides and room for both. That’s the difference here.

Again, from a previous post… sorry for those still stuck in “Others’” expectations that clearly need to be dealt with. It apparently is a problem. Good luck with that. I remain unmoved, tho, about the article and don’t feel the need to defend my position, ‘cause no one should have to, here, or IRL. Cheers!

Sonic
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 07:58 pm: [report]

I agree with what I felt was the general idea of the post (people judging the author and others like her for not wanting to have children) before the last few paragraphs.  I don’t want children, but I understand the decision to want them and no one is more superior than another person for either wanting or not wanting children.  I like most kids okay (some are just bratty) but that doesn’t mean I want one.     

In any case, it IS pretty annoying to constantly be told “you will change your mind” and “such a waste, you’d make a great mom!” whenever I mention I don’t want kids.  Thanks, but I know what I want and I know why.  I don’t give people guff about wanting children, so don’t give me any for not wanting them.  Fair shake?

Meg the Conqueress
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 08:45 pm: [report]

If the tables were turned and the author was telling non-mommies to back off mommies for having kids, then everything would be okay…except it wouldn’t because in real life, people rarely, if ever, get confronted and dumped on for having kids (except Octomom, LOL).  People do, however, get confronted and dumped on and viewed as frigid, sterile handmaidens of Satan for not having kids.  This is an article for the underdog, told from the underdog’s perspective and voicing the underdog’s frustrations.  She’s not bitching about all mommies/daddies, just the ones that have gotten into her face and her business about her life choices over the years.  And trust me, anyone who’s had to deal with people like that would agree that they need a good, firm talking-too to get them to back off.

retro chic
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 08:49 pm: [report]

@Sonic: It was a deal all along. That’s the point.
The author and some others just don’t know it, don’t get it, or don’t want to ‘cause they still have boundary issues with family/peers and are beholden to them, and feel they MUST explain to the rest of us. They. Don’t. Lighten up, people. There’s room for everyone.

Sonic
wrote on April 2 2009 @ 09:20 pm: [report]

@ retro chic:
Obviously it’s not been a deal all along, otherwise, why would we still get ignorant remarks from both sides?  People who choose not to have children usually are thought of as “weird” and are still asked “Why don’t you want kids?” Whereas people who want children are, at least to my knowledge, never asked “Why do you WANT children?”

So maybe it’s obvious to you that both sides should respect the others’ views, but I think the author wanted to try and explain so that perhaps people who don’t think it’s so obvious why someone might not want children would find some illumination.  I think the author just wanted to stimulate discussion about a topic she felt wasn’t discussed very often and it obviously worked judging by how many comments were left.  I agree that her tone wasn’t ideal because disrespect begets disrespect, but I think the idea towards the beginning and the topic itself was interesting and I appreciated the topic because it’s not discussed much here, where most of my peers want children.

retro chic
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 05:48 am: [report]

Sonic, it appears that, coming at the end of such a long post, you may not be familiar with basis/content of the dissenting (my, missduplicity’s, shanka’s and a couple other’s) posts accurately. No need for the unnecessary defense or regurgitation of the author’s article. But, no matter…

The point has nothing to do with do-or-don’t have kids. It is the galling, narcissistic assumption (not saying you) that no one understands them, or that everyone should care, that’s all. They should tell it to their folks IRL that do have an impact, are the true source of this “angst,” and where the changes can begin.

Bottom line: people that care too much about what others think haven’t set boundaries or separated properly from family/peers IRL first, ie, become true adults. If family/peers bug someone, either a) enlighten them, or b) ignore them. If those two things DO happen, none of the “ignorant remarks” would bother them. Learn to separate, or be prepared for the chilly real world that mostly believes no one is owed anything just ‘cause they say so. Many, many others having come before sucked it up, and in far more oppressive times. In the meantime, I will continue to understand and support my friends 100%, and anyone else behind their decisions and choices, esp these hard baby ones.

Sonic
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 06:09 am: [report]

I think we will just have to agree to disagree on the issue because although I can see your point about some narcissistic elements in the post, overall I feel it was a mix of venting, heavy on explanations, and then the unfortunate holier-than-thou tone at the end more than I got the impression that absolutely just no one understands her and she is being defensive. 

Also, just because others have come before and “sucked it up” during more oppressive times doesn’t mean it’s still not frustrating today and that people who find it so should have their frustrations be brushed off.  It’s good to know that you aren’t one of the people who automatically would ask “Why wouldn’t you want one!” and that you support your friends decisions because if there were more people who thought like that, then we wouldn’t really need to have these posts.

Fast Eddie
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 07:05 am: [report]

WOW, what a long list of comments.  I decided to get clipped shortly after my failed first marriage.  This caused a lot to problems in getting into another relationship.  At times I felt like a leper.  There were plenty of women eager to jump my bones, but not take part in a home with me mainly because of my discounted reproduction status.

I didn’t have a happy childhood and would have made a lousy father.  Thus I feel that my decision was the right one overall.  Wife # 2 didn’t have any kids, and we remain very happy.  Still I wish there were grandchildren in my life.  You and send them home when they get on your nerves.  On the other hand, I have plenty of money for my hobbies.

Self indulgence takes many forms.  For those who have children or grandchildren, count your blessings.  The rest of us will have to settle for fancy cars and take expensive vacations.

retro chic
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 08:38 am: [report]

Cheers, Sonic. The “S-I-U” ref was meant as a little *((tough-love))* not tough-sh*t, so those concerned can spare themselves the frustration that I DO understand and don’t diminish, but also see so clearly, and am suggesting how, it can be remedied (experienced sim passage about marriage). Kinda got lost in the rubble. People will think what they think until you enlighten them with a few glove-slaps, otherwise, just ignore the b*st*rds and do what you want to do! (obvi that’s what I do) Look, we’ve all done here what editors/authors like, and that’s be bi-postal and controversial. Win-Win-Win!

——-

Haha @ Fast Eddie, you psychic, you. Flashed just last night how cool it would be to have exotic cars, passports & vacay tickets, jewelry and sex toys as props in that “empty nest” pic above!

joyy
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 08:45 am: [report]

@Sonic - thank you for summing it up so well.  You’ve put into very clear words what I apparently failed to.

@shanka - the comparison was between wanting children and not wanting to have them as equally selfish.  I think that a little selfishness is a good thing i.e. doing what you want/what will make you happy, and made the comparison that IF not wanting kids is selfish, THEN *wanting* children is selfish also. 

I am aware that parenting itself is not a selfish thing (“spend[ing] the rest of their lives worrying about and providing for the well-being of another person.”).  I’m comparing the desire to have children with the desire not to have children.  If one is selfish, so is the other.

shanka
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 12:20 pm: [report]

@joyy: if you’ve decided that the definition of selfish is “doing what you want and/or what will make you happy” then every single decision that anyone has or ever will make has some trace of “selfishness”. i, on the other hand, prefer the academic, more generally accepted definition: “concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.”

on a different note, i don’t think your statement is logical. i’m not saying that you are illogical, just that the logic of that statement isn’t: i mean just purely based on logic and reasoning, it’s illogical to say if A is selfish then the opposite of A is also selfish (if the desire to climb a tree is bad then the desire to not climb is bad also??). i assume that you’re relying on something else to make that argument, and if you want to share then i’d like to know what that is (something someone said, maybe?).
in our age of relativism, we must be careful with our absolute statements.

according to the dictionary definition of selfish, if i desire to have children and to be a good parent, there is no way that can happen if i don’t regard the well-being of another person.

Dianna T
wrote on April 3 2009 @ 03:10 pm: [report]

I really like this article.  I too do not want to have children and am tired of people telling me “you’re too young to make that decision” or “you will change my mind”.  I"m freaking 26 years old! I’m pretty sure I’m old enough to make a damn decision myself.  My sister has two kids and one on the way so there is no pressure to give my parents grandkids and they are perfectly ok with my decision.  What is society’s deal?!?!?

LaGiulia
wrote on April 4 2009 @ 10:52 am: [report]

This article has confirmed my ambivalence towards having children. I always thought I should have them because I really love them and like being around them, but every time I go visit my parents and see my nephew (my sister and her husband are staying with them while they finish renovating their house) I think I might go bonkers if I had to spend the whole day looking after a child. I need space. Time. Isolation. Will I ever change my mind? Time is running out, and I’m beginning to think that maybe there’s a very good reason why I haven’t had kids yet: may I don’t really want them.

retro chic
wrote on April 4 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]

Ladies, after reading the vasectomy post, I’m suddenly struck (maybe some others, too), and even did a word search for “tubal ligation” in this verrry long 57-post thread. Nary a snip to be found.
Q: What keeps the Don’t Wannabes from taking the plunge?
No more IUDs, Pill, etc… This is a genuine and sincere question. Does anyone think it odd that tube-tying hasn’t come up even once?
ps: no need to (re)visit the reasons for choosing no babies (that’s covered), just the deed that permanently ensures it. Thanks, would love to know.

rsncrntz
wrote on April 4 2009 @ 11:48 am: [report]

@retro chic: Actually, I am shopping around for a doctor right now to get it done. My previous ob/gyn wouldn’t do it until I’m older. (I’m 33 right now, so I don’t know how old she wants someone to be to know their own mind.) My marriage ended because my husband thought I would change my mind about children, and I want to be sure that this topic is never unclear or up for discussion with anyone else.

retro chic
wrote on April 4 2009 @ 12:08 pm: [report]

@rsncrntz: that really takes courage, since any surg procedure is never taken lightly, let alone all the basis for doing it. Very glad for you, but sorry you marriage ended b/c of it. Sounds like your doc and ex have beers together. I’ll bet men don’t get the same patronizing “but, you might change your mind” treatment from their docs.

nowaybaby
wrote on April 4 2009 @ 02:24 pm: [report]

@perceptible and Gaby1: I want to thank the both of you for being so very honest about what it is like to parent.  A lot of moms lie because they feel guilty in admitting their true feelings.

The fact that you are honest helps a lot of women that might be on the fence about having children make an informed and educated decision.

I am a childfree woman and I always admired moms like the two of you (all my friends have kids) that are so honest and supportive of childfree women and the childfree lifestyle.

Thank you.

Juddha
wrote on April 4 2009 @ 06:41 pm: [report]

I want children sometime in the future, but I’m terrified of childbirth, and I don’t know if I’ll ever been emotionally, mentally, physically ready for it.

carol v.a.
wrote on April 5 2009 @ 11:21 pm: [report]

I also like my freedom, nobody depending on me!

joyy
wrote on April 6 2009 @ 08:36 am: [report]

@retro chic - I’ve been told numerous times that ob/gyn’s will not perform tubal ligation on childless women under 30 y.o.  Also, for those of us wanting to get away from the Pill/other temp forms of bc and move into the permanent bc realm, having a partner who is willing to take over that responsibility is a welcome change, especially considering that vascetomies are far cheaper and safer than tubal ligation, on the off chance that your dr is actually willing to do it for you.  Not trying to pick a fight or anything - no one loves a devil’s advocate more than me

BobbyCanuck
wrote on April 7 2009 @ 04:05 pm: [report]

This is what i respond with, depending on the situation

1) I have testicular cancer ( said with a forlorn expression)
2) There are enough people on the Earth, besides I have not done anything so special as to think my kids would grow up to make a positive impact on society. Chances are they will just use the earth, and people to get that big house with the fancy car.
3) I used to have children, but my wife and kids got killed by a drunk driver, now I fear that I cannot take that chance again

#2 is especially good if you are talking to someone that is not as pretty, smart, or sucessful as you

Ms.Bubbles
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 07:43 pm: [report]

I have been a long time reader of this website and somehow missed this article. When I read it today I signed up just to comment on it.

I am 20 and my boyfriend is 32. We met when I was 18 and he immediately let me know that he had a vasectomy and was not interested in having kids. I had/ have no problem with that and see noproblems with it in the future.

The problems come from others who find out about our circumstances. They often want to know what is going to happen when i want kids? Or will I break up with him if I want kids? I think that all of these questions are extremely personal and irrelevant right now. I am only 20 and still deciding what I want to do with life and as of now, NO I do not want kids. I do not see myself wanting them in the future.

I also think it is extremely disresepectful when people tell me I will change my mind about not wanting kids in the future. Or tell me that I can talk him into getting it reversed. To my knowledge no one has told a 20 year old
they will change there mind AFTER having kids. Also, why would someone assume my boyfriend (who decided at the same age of 20) to reverse a 12 year old surgery, that is unfair to him and his life decisions.

I think the whole situationis very double sided to people who have/ want kids over those who donot. But that will is a whole other debate

Tamara
wrote on April 11 2009 @ 09:06 pm: [report]

I’ve heard the theory that I would change my mind and while I’ve swayed slightly I’ve been firm on my stance of not wanting children. I don’t mind children, I just don’t want them. I’ve come to terms in the past few weeks with the end of my relationship that I’m not meant for those things in life, marriage, kids etc. At least not now, and with kids maybe never.

I have nieces and nephews ranging from 1 to 15, as much as I love them I don’t want them, have no interest in raising them and am happy to see them for a day or so and give them back to their parents.

I don’t knock anyone who wants children, I’m content with my IUD and the hopes of one day owning a dog and traveling.

Atl_Bellydancer
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 08:09 am: [report]

“I’m with retro chic on this one. You don’t want to have kids, that’s great for you. But I don’t really understand the need to proclaim your desire to be childless to the world.
Think it makes you unique? It doesn’t. Think it “

“Ultimately, you are just saving yourself the humiliation of having to one day realize that no child could ever be cuter than MY son.”
@ Missduplicity

If those who choose not to have children shouldn’t proclaim their desire to the world, why is it that the rest of the world has to hear the announcement of someone’s pregnancy or have to sit and listen to the constant rants and raves of pregnant women or hear from someone that their kids is cuter, smarter, or better? A few questions I often wonder:

1. Why should anyone outside your partner, family and close freinds care if you are pregnant? 

2. Why do pregnant women feel the need to announce every little detail about their pregnancy to people who aren’t their spouse, family or friends?  If I am not your husband or your family, why do I need to hear about it?

3. Why should I hear about it every time your baby moves, are that you threw up or have heartburn or that your kids lost a tooth?

4. Why do pregnant women (particularly first-time mothers) carry on with EVERYBODY as if they are the first person on Earth to ever get pregnant?

5. I am not your partner or your family, yet I am expected to treat you like you are special or wait on your because you are pregnant.

Pregnant women and many moms behave in a ridiculous manner and expect EVERYONE to see their pregnancy or their kids as special. But guess what:

Your pregnancy is no more special than the pregnancies of the billions upon billions of women who gave birth before you or who will after you.

No your kid is not cuter than everyone else’s kid just because it’s your kid.

No your kid is not smarter than everyone else’s kid just because it’s your kid.

You think having kids make you unique?  It doesn’t.  People have been doing it since the beginning of time. Your pregnancy and your kids are special to you and your family, not the rest of the world.  No one else cares.

I say all this to aks, why is it that the whole world is to hear about women’s choices to have babies, but those who have made the choice to remain childless is supposed to shut up about their choice?  Lots of pregnant women act superior to women who can’t have or don’t want to have children and even get competitive with other women when it comes to having kids. Some women act like down right idiots over pregnancy and their kids to the point of annoying others around them but no one is supposed to say boo to them. But women who choose to remain childless shouldn’t say anything?  Why the double standard?

I am a mom of one so this isn’t coming from someone who is childless. But I have chosen to not have more children.  I just don’t get why women who have or want kids take it as a personal affront when other women say they don’t want the same thing. People have to do what works for their own lifestyles.

missduplicity
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 01:39 pm: [report]

@Atl_

Touche.

Again, I think this is a case of over-generalization, which has happened a lot in these comments, and apparently, a lot to the original blogger.

Not every pregnant woman wishes to carry on about every detail of her mounting enormity. As much as I enjoy bragging on the thing that made successfully out of my vag 3 years ago, I did not particularly enjoy housing him, or relating the details of his constant utero-Samba, pre-birth. I found it a little creepy to be discussing the strange parasite tumbling about my midsection. I did not like people to “pat the baby” or ask me about my feet swelling.

But, people did ask. And I think that you’re right, many pregnant women do assume that because many people ask, EVERYone wants to know. That is erroneous on their part, just as it would be erroneous for someone to actually assume that their child really was the most wonderful of ALL children in the world.

I won’t insult your intelligence and pretend you didn’t understand that the bit about my “cuter-than-anyone else’s” son was said in jest. But I’m not sure that I want to live in a society where mothers are supposed to admit that they don’t think their children are the best *in their eyes* just to pussyfoot around other people who might get butthurt over their decision not to procreate, or, to have ugly children.

Furthermore, I think I would loathe being a part of a society that didn’t celebrate life when it comes along. I think that’s why so many mothers are up-in-arms about this post…because it sheds a negative light on something that most of us consider to be one of the biggest, most life-changing accomplishments we’ve had.

If people don’t want to have children…that is beyond fine. But instead of focusing on snide put-downs and holier-than-thou attitudes, why not celebrate your (general) life, and the lives of others you appreciate around you, instead of giving voice only to the ways you’re working against it?

nowaybaby
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 02:46 pm: [report]

@ Bellydancer:

WELL SAID!!!!!!! I also feel that I will be gypped when I DON’T have a baby because I will not be showered with gifts unlike the thousands of dollars I have spent on all the numerous baby showers I have had to attend.

So, when my husband gets snipped, I plan to have a NON baby shower and register for wine glasses and other breakables. I plan to invite all the women in my life and I plan to proclaim with as much pride as the overzealous pregnant women do “I AM CHILDFREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

joyy
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 04:46 pm: [report]

@atl - word. 

@nowaybaby - I know!  It almost makes me want to register at stores for non-marriage/non-baby occasions, like getting a promotion or buying land.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 07:17 pm: [report]

Every time someone gets uppity either way on this situation, this is all I can think of: http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/dignified.png

Sonic
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 07:21 pm: [report]

@ CheeeEEEEse:  I love xkcd.  The comic you posted reminds me a little of an Angela Carter story where this one woman advised her son to never allow anyone to act superior by imagining them in their most undigified position - on the toilet.

@ nowaybaby:  Reminds of the Sex and the city episode where Carrie lost her shoes at someone’s baby shower and sent out cards celebrating her lack of a child and got the shoes back as a present.

joyy
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 08:12 pm: [report]

@sonic - she only sent one card - to the lady whose kid shower she lost them at.  and the card said something about announcing that she was getting married ... to herself, noting that she was registered at Manolo and the pair of shoes was the only thing on the list.  <3 satc ...

Sonic
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 08:15 pm: [report]

@ joyy:  That’s it!  That’s the episode.  I must admit, I felt ridiculously triumphant when she received those shoes

joyy
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 09:47 pm: [report]

@Sonic - me too!  A coworker asked me once out of the blue “so are you engaged yet?”  As if since she knows I don’t have kids, the only other thing in life I could possibly be striving towards was marriage.

I had actually had a really eventful few months when she asked, and I was kind of more offended that she didn’t simply ask how I was doing so I could go off about what I had been up to

They always have these potlucks and parties at my office for people getting married or having kids (size of celebration varies greatly though) - it kind of makes me want to organize a party for myself when I do something that I consider a major milestone, but that just feels way, WAY too needy to actually do some day ...

mountaingrrl
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 01:30 pm: [report]

@sonic chic:
I had made the choice years ago to not have children, and a few years after making that choice was diagnosed with endometriosis.  I had to have surgery to try and get rid of it, and I told my doctor before the procedure that I wanted to either a)take everything out that had reeked this havoc on my body or b) tie my tubes while she was in there.  She in turn told me that I was too young to make that decision (21)and that I would change my mind.  She then told me that the best way to get rid of the endo was to get pregnant and that anytime I was ready to let her know.  What a beeatch!  I am now 30 and still feel the same way (luckily so does my husband)and the tubal litigation(?) surgery is considered to be elective and would not fully be covered by my insurance, if it all covered. With the economy the way it is I can’t afford to have it done and pay out of pocket, so I am currently looking into using my health issues to help me have it done.  (I have been a type 1 diabetic for 22 years, blah, blah, blah)
I’m just glad that you brought up the point about not reading about anyone who has taken this option to avoid having children if they’re not interested.  I have read this entire posting from top to bottom, and the guy who got snipped really peaked my interest into why more women haven’t had the procedure done as well. 
Is it like this in every state where there is like an age you have to reach to make those types of decisions about your body?  Anyone?  (By the way I’m in Cal-ee-forn-ya…as the governator would say it.)

Ms.Bubbles
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 01:48 pm: [report]

mountaingrrl: I think that the age thing wasn’t a state law but more of your doctor not wanting to approve you. My boyfriend got his done when he was 19 in California. I think for you it will be more of finding a doctor willing to do it than anything. Unless the laws for that are stricter now than they were 10-12 years ago.. (which i doubt)

joyy
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 02:46 pm: [report]

My nurse practitioner told me that legally, you have to be 21 to get tubal ligation when I asked if it was true that no doctor would do it for a childless woman under 30.  I got the impression that if I was really gunning for it, she would help me find someone to do it.

I’ve opted for an IUD, but she said that even putting an IUD in a childless woman under 30/etc was controversial because there’s a chance of complications that could include infertility or ectopic pregnancy.  Thankfully she’s really cool about it an explained it in a matter-of-fact way and not a “you shouldn’t do this just incase you change your mind” kind of way.  And she in no way discouraged my decision, she was very encouraging.

Ms.Bubbles
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 03:35 pm: [report]

I find that to be very interesting. I don’t live in Cali I live in Louisiana and I know that it is a law here that without medical reasons they won’t do a tubal ligation (unless you have had at least two kids). I also know if you search hard enough you can find a doctor that will give you a medical reason (true or not). I also know they will not give an IUD to anyone under 21. It is sad that women can’t choose what they want to do with there own bodies :(

joyy
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 04:00 pm: [report]

I’m in AZ, not Cali, but my nurse practitioner had stories from years before where the legal/med rights of women who were otherwise adults in the law’s eyes didn’t have the right to make their own (non-abortion!) healthcare decisions.

Can’t tie your tubes unless you’ve had two kids?  Wow.  And I thought AZ was red

Ms.Bubbles
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 04:47 pm: [report]

If you go to http://www.prochoiceamerica.org it will show you that Louisiana grades an F on women’s rights in both reproduction and abortion. California grades an A+. Arizona grades a B-

joyy
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 06:33 pm: [report]

Yeah, AZ put up a state bill regarding abortion and reproductive rights that was so appalling I actually contacted state legislators to complain.  I see things like this and have to wonder how it’s possible in this country in *2009*.  So sad.

Kat
wrote on August 26 2009 @ 11:14 pm: [report]

Asked for a tubal ligation constantly for 4 years before I ended up having a single birth control failure and pregnancy. I had an abortion. I went back and asked for a tubal and it was ANOTHER year of flat out “No’s” and “We’ll see’s”.

Finally got approval for my tubal a few months ago. It could have saved me a lot of pain and hassle if they’d initially believed me.

stiffinp
wrote on September 1 2009 @ 07:12 am: [report]

Yes Cheeessee. Idiocracy is a hilarious movie. And it might scare people about the future of society.

tainted
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 01:20 pm: [report]

So what do you want, a cookie?  People don’t care as much as you think they do.  They’re just making conversation.

Kat
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 01:43 pm: [report]

SOME people are just making conversation, true. Kids is generally considered a “safe” topic for women.

I, personally, have no problem with those individuals.

There are a certain subset of people who take it very VERY personally when someone doesn’t want kids. Especially since getting approval for my sterilization.

Person: “Kids? etc.”
Me: “Oh no, not for me, thanks.”
Person: “You’ll change your mind.”
Me: “Always possible, but I doubt it highly.”
Person: “I can’t wait until YOU have an accident!”(yes, someone told me this)
Me: Anyway, I have an appointment to get sterilised.”
Person: “OMG, that’s SICK, what’s WRONG with you, there’s something wrong with you, you should get therapy, why wouldn’t you want kids, they’re wonderful, were you abused, I can’t wait until you realize how much you REGRET not having kids and how STUPID it was to get sterilized, maybe it’s good you’re NOT going to have them, if you can’t HANDLE it! In fact, I’m GLAD you aren’t going to be a parent, there’s something WRONG with you.”

So on and so forth. This happens FAIRLY infrequently, but frequently enough that I have a general idea of how it’s going to go once I see “that look” in their eyes. It’s happened with total strangers as well as people I have known for years and the topic’s just never come up.

Some people DO care, and they care a lot. I don’t think I’ll ever understand WHY exactly. Perhaps when I say that I would not enjoy the life they’ve chosen they take it as an insult, like they hear: “Your life sucks, I make MUCH better choices than you.” When that isn’t the case at all. Everyone makes choices for THEMSELVES, and that’s fine. I know I wouldn’t enjoy a life with kids….. In fact, I’d likely find it hellish. In much the same way I could never be, say, a macrobiotic mountain climber who plays the bongos. I’m sure that works out just great for those who choose it, haha.

My bf manages to avoid MANY of the “BINGOs” as the childfree call them, but a few of his male friends have GONE OFF at him. Some even told him to LEAVE me if I get sterilized and worse.

The conversation makers…. I make conversation with. Then, when they find out my preferences, they leave it alone.

PROTIP: “Making conversation” does not include accusations/insults/invasive personal questions/etc.

tainted
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 01:47 pm: [report]

Well said.  Thank you.