Why I Love My Kid More Than My Husband
Posted by: YourTango.com
Filed in:
relationships
8:30AM, Friday April 24th 2009
When your three-year-old climbs onto your lap and asks, “Do you love me the best, Mama?,” what do you say? “Well, yes, but not as much as I love your Daddy?” I don’t think so.
And yet, when I got pregnant I received some not-so-gentle advice from the older women in my life: “You’re going to love this baby more than life itself. Just don’t tell your husband,” said one. “You don’t want to neglect your husband, dear. Let him know he’s still the most important person in your world,” said another.
But, I didn’t take their arguably sage advice. Here’s why.
Since the 1980s, at least two-dozen studies have posited the idea that the quality of a marriage drops once the couple has kids. These studies say that marital dissatisfaction comes from parents’ loss of freedom and their childless status quo. And when kids leave the nest, studies show that parents are happier than any other time in their relationship. Although they miss their kids, they revel in their new freedoms and revisit old marital activities, sometimes ones they haven’t experienced since before the first child was born.
All this should have terrified my husband and I when we started The Talk—the one about trying for a baby. After all, I’d heard for years that kids could break a marriage. But instead, my husband and I talked about money. My biggest worry was that the mounting cost of diapers would revive our old checkbook quarrels, so we agreed not to fight about spending on the baby.
Research shows that parents who plan ahead avoid the relationship-ruining discord the old studies talk about. A recent study by professors at the University of California at Berkeley found a flaw in the bulk of the “kids ruin marriage” studies: they didn’t take into account parental mindset before baby made three.
Want to read the rest of this article? Visit YourTango.com or these related links:
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
kristy1584
wrote on April 24 2009 @ 09:40 am: [report]
Your spouse comes before your child in my opinion…Ladies, if you were married to the love of your life and pregnant with your first child, and you went into labor and there were extreme complications and the Dr told your husband that he had to chose between saving you or the baby, what do you think he should do? Heres the simple answer, he should chose you, his wife. Im not saying it wouldnt be a hard situation to be in, but the spouse comes before the child. Thats just how it is, there can always be more children with the love of your life but you cant easily find another love.
Rose
wrote on April 24 2009 @ 11:06 am: [report]
It’s articles like this that always make me feel like a monster for saying I’d trade both my kids for my husband. He’s the love of my life, like kristy1584 says. I love my kids ALOT, donb’t get me wrong, and I know I have a responsibility to my kids that trumps everything in life decisions, but it’s my husband I expect to be with all my life, him who’ll look after me when I’m sick and all that. The kids are here, they’ll grow up and go to their own lives and loves. Hubby and me, that’s the relationship that’s supposed to be forever.
writergirl
wrote on April 24 2009 @ 11:13 am: [report]
Agreed. Hubby first. The problem is striking a balance. I’ve seen many marriages disintegrate (sp?) because the mother put all her emphasis on the child and ignored the husband.
Someone I know was taking a class when she was thinking of adopting another baby. The typical line a parent tells the older child is “We’re having another baby, but I’ll love you both equally.” And the child is supposed to accept that as fact and not get his/her nose out of joint.
The person teaching this class said, “OK, ladies. Your husband is bringing home another wife and says to you, ‘I will love you both equally.’ You’re going to accept that at face value?”
Of course not. Same with kids. Same with husbands when the kids start arriving. As mothers, our time and energy are focused on our children because they just demand so much of it, and in that way, it is easy for a husband to feel as if he’s been replaced. But remembering that it was the relationship between the two of you that brought the little ones to your lives is paramount.
Rose
wrote on April 24 2009 @ 11:42 am: [report]
Agreed, totally about “equally”! People need to be loved uniquely, for who they are, not “the same as” anyone, like love was a zero sum thing. I try my best to love my kids separately, individually, and looked at that way, my love for my husband is a completely different thing, not even a “more” or “less”.
Lynn
wrote on April 24 2009 @ 12:35 pm: [report]
That article made no sense. She spent the whole time talking about how she loved her kid, but that it was a totally different kind of love than what she had for her husband. Then she says “and that’s why I love my kid the most.”
What?
Unsympathetic
wrote on April 24 2009 @ 05:16 pm: [report]
This kind of crap makes men scared of self-centered women.
This is not acceptable, fair, right, or in any way resembling a relationship.
Hey, author of this post: Instead of getting married, why didn’t you think about someone else for once in your life - and get a test tube baby along with a divorce, because you clearly don’t care about your so-called “husband” one iota.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 24 2009 @ 09:47 pm: [report]
@unsympathetic: Despite your alias, I like your observation, just your first line, I’m not big on the rant though.
og217
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 08:13 am: [report]
I think this is exactly why so many men are scared of having children, and of marriage as a precursor. Who wants to be shafted and be “#2?” If children are mor eimportant than the husband, women should get divorced and have children with donor sperm. That way, the hierarchy is preserved, kids are #1 and no one’s feelings get hurt. It isn’t fair to downgrade a man to a lesser status once you “got what you want.”
jdmxrain
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 02:18 pm: [report]
Why is it one or the other? My mom said that you love children and a husband differently. How can parental love equate to romantic love? My mom always said she loved both myself and my dad but in different ways. She shows her love to both of us and she goes out of her way to show how much she loves us both. Why do you even have to choose?
I’m 26 btw but I don’t understand why its one or the other. That’s just wrong.
hawaiianpeach
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 02:26 pm: [report]
I think a mother’s ultimate focus and responsibility is to her child. Sorry Charlies.
presleylennon
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 02:13 pm: [report]
I could not disagree more with this post. God first, then your husband, and then your kids. This is the order in which I love each of these things. The thing is, if for some horrible reason, my children were taken from me, I would still have to love of my husband to get me through it. This is why so many marriages break up IMO. Too many women putting their children before their husbands and the relationship you have with him. And for the record, I would never tell my children that I love their father more than them, unless they asked and then of course I would. I don’t think they’d ask in the first place because they know how much we love each other because they see it everyday.
presleylennon
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 02:20 pm: [report]
Oh, and one more thing, she says that when her three year old asks her does she love her more than anything in the whole world, she answers yes. What happens when she has another kid? I’ll tell you - sibling rivalry that’s what. This whole thing is wrong on so many levels.
_jsw_
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 02:54 pm: [report]
@presleylennon: I find it somewhat ironic that your member name references a very well known atheist. In any event, to answer your “what happens when she has another kid?” question, in that case, you’d tell them you love them both (or all) the same amount. Who you might actually love the most and who you tell a small child you love the most needn’t be the same things.
presleylennon
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 02:58 pm: [report]
@_jsw_ yeah, I’ve been using that name for almost 15 years now. My husband is a Beatle fan, I’m an Elvis fan, so it works for us… And who you actually love and who you tell the small child should be the same. I see no reason to lie to them.