Why He Disappeared After Sex

EastCoastMale
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 07:07 am: [report]

I would agree that a guy may leave right after because of the woman acting differently, a la #1, or even #2 but I think number 3 could be off a little. I dont think a guy would just up and leave even if the sex was a bit sub par, in that instance I would think that a guy would stick around or want to have another go to see if things improved or introduce some new concepts into the love making. I can speak from personal experience that, just as having pent up…desire..makes men agree to things they would otherwise not or say things that they dont really mean, after that ....desire…is released and gone, it is as if they may feel a little empty emotionally at the time for a bit and leaving may be their way of dealing with it. If you have had all the feelings rush out of you temporarily and cant think straight enough to carry on a meaningful conversation, it may be fear mixed with anxiety that makes them leave so quickly.

Obviously, women would know better than I do and I am sure my explanation doesnt apply to all men but I would say that this is the reason why a guy may leave or you may not hear from him for a bit but then he will call or text out of the blue like everything is normal. A strong orgasm will do crazy things.

Im a cuddler so I tend to stay =)

EarthGoddess
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 07:11 am: [report]

#1 is the reason I have never slept with anyone I wasn’t in a long-term committed relationship with (ie: marriage was discussed long before we ever got naked). I know that once I become physical with someone, I consider them mine and me theirs and that’s that. This has also caused me to be labeled a tease more times than I care to remember. Guys seemed to think that they were getting something I had no intention of ever giving them unless they were willing to make me their one & only. I think that far too many women (and men) give it up way too early and end up hurt. Why not make them earn it and put some effort into forming a bond before your clothes come off?

DancerNinja
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 07:20 am: [report]

@Earth Goddess: I like to say “I work damn hard for my body, and I expect a guy to work damn hard for it, too.” Same reason I won’t dress skanky.

Not that I haven’t thrown down a one night stand when I wanted/needed one… but that’s not exactly a dating scenario.

EastCoastMale
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 07:23 am: [report]

I agree in that I also dont have sex with someone unless in or starting to form a relationship, but not necessarily discussing marriage as a precursor. Definitely not really down for the one night stand so much.

EarthGoddess
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 07:27 am: [report]

@DancerNinja: I love that quote! So true. As for the ONS thing, I never got that at all. To me sex is part of a loving committed relationship and nothing short of that. That’s why I’ve made the few guys I’ve been with wait so long for it. If he can stand the test of time, and allow us to form a relationship that doesn’t include sex so we can also be friends, then he can have it. Otherwise, I am off limits totally. The few that have passed the test have told me that I’m worth the wait, and so were they, so it all worked out.

bogart4017
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 08:11 am: [report]

Please believe reason #1. Needy i don’t mind. Clingy is a bit ridiculous. It was prob my fault for sleeping w/her after the second date but damn i wasnt looking for a human sacrifice! The poor girl was promising everything under the sun short of selling her body for me. It was like all independent or individual thought evaporated. We don’t want yesgirls and we don’t want to just do what we want. Call me on my #&@$% if you’ve a mind to. I’ll have a lot more respect for you. Any man that wants a doormat needs a good skull exam.

Mainer
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 09:04 am: [report]

I agree with EarthGoddess on the waiting stance she takes. Any significant relationship I’ve been in the sex has waiting. But I also agree with EastCoastMale on minus the marriage pre-qual.

Guys are not always just looking to get laid, we like the idea of finding a girl we can spend time with, get to know, and even make out significant other just as much as you girls. But sex is a huge speed bump when it comes to relationships. Males innately see sex as an accomplishment, much in the sense of beating a video game –you don’t really go back and play the video game after you beat it, you’ve been there and done that. BUT, once in a while those video games come along like Mario Kart or Super Mario Brothers, games you can just keep playing and playing because they bring something else to the table and, let’s be honest, they’re a lot of fun. 

The longer you wait to have sex, the more foundation you are going to build for other aspects of the relationship. That way, when it finally comes to having sex, the man will have more reasons to stick around. That probably explains #2 – sex may have been the only thing you brought to the table, and you may have brought that as the appetizer rather than the dessert. Hell, if you’re going to put out on the first, second, or even third date we’re fine with it – just don’t expect us to want to explore the relationship further. But if you wait, get to know each other, and show them you are worth the effort than there will be a higher chance the guy will not bolt.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 09:15 am: [report]

@Mainer: That is the nerdiest comparison I’ve ever read. Why not just throw in multiplayer games like Halo for the extra (Insert favored body part here)s and stuff like the power-glove and super-scope the kinky toys?

Mainer
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 09:27 am: [report]

I was thinking on my feet, cut me some slack. It was the only comparison of something people get bored with easily I could think of. I’m not a huge video gamer for this reason - I have the attention span of an infant.

I’ll try to muster up a more manly comparison for you, something involving red meat, artillery fire, and fake breasts.

MoonBabye
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 09:29 am: [report]

True story in this post. And yes, I don’t get why people chase those who don’t want them. I also don’t know why people just can’t be honest. You can be as naked as a jay bird but can’t discuss your boundaries?

@ECM…how long of a cuddle time do you require?

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 09:33 am: [report]

@Mainer: I don’t like huge gazonga boobs anyway.
@MoonBabye: I’m a cuddler too.

EastCoastMale
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 09:41 am: [report]

@moonbabye

Not saying that I require it but just saying that if the opportunity presents itself or if the person I am with is one too, I dont shy away from it. I try not to attach too many prerequisites or requirements to relationships and sex.

EarthGoddess
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 09:55 am: [report]

@Mainer: Love what you said!

@ECM: I have a ton of prerequisites and requirements ... my list is a mile long, and I mentally check things off as the relationship progresses. Maybe I’m too selective, or maybe too needy, but that’s why so few have made it “all the way” with me. There are just a lot of things that I refuse to compromise in relationships. I think a lot of people compromise too much and end up selling themselves short and not getting what (and who) they really want. That’s a recipe for disaster, resentment and unhappiness in the long run.

sam04
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 09:57 am: [report]

I detest cuddling!  I really don’t like to have my space compromised by someone else.  Sex is one thing that overrules that.  The rest of the time, I need room to breathe.  There is nothing that irritates me more than trying to sleep and having somebody try to wrap himself around me.  I fear I may be dead inside, but… I don’t lose sleep over it.

retro chic
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 10:08 am: [report]

Actually, I knew someone who explained that he couldn’t go beyond one time with anyone, ‘cause he had a problem with porn. The real vs the virtual really messed him up. He went from person to person hoping they’d be “the cure.” I wasn’t one of his casualties, but felt sorry for him and his unwitting saviors.

Otoh, sim to ECM’s first explano… years ago, I briefly knew someone who did it, disappeared with no contact from either side, only to return a few weeks later as if only a day passed, him explaining, “‘Cause the intensity makes me freak and bond, and I don’t want to bond. But I’m OK now, so, how ‘bout it?” No sale here.

I do agree with the posters, waiting is best. I like Moon’s comment: “You can be as naked as a jay bird but can’t discuss your boundaries?” Exactly. In addition, it’s amazing how the currency of sex is devalued.
What if a first encounter at a bar went like this:
guy: “I’d really like to see you naked.”
girl: “I’d like to see your bank balance.”
A guy would be offended by this, but doesn’t understand why his statement would be offensive or premature, or hey, “none of your business, dude!” We each value different things.

majicksand
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 10:29 am: [report]

My soon-to-be husband chased me for 6 months before I gave him the time of day.  He even convinced my boss to give him a character reference.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t stalker creepy, just persistent.  I finally agreed to a date, and we got into a car accident about 20 mintues in.  My friend took us to get my car, and we continued from there.  That meant I had to take him home after the date.

He made his move, but I looked him right in the eye and told him he wouldn’t respect me in the morning.  He thought about it for a minute then agreed with me.  It was late, so I stayed the night—on the couch.

He’s sweet, sensitive, intelligent, and most of all, respectful.  I just had to insist on it to get the ball rolling.  He is a guy after all!

raneforst
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 10:40 am: [report]

I totally agree with holding off for a while before sex.  The bad part about this (as I have found out on more than one occasion) is sometimes its the guy who is awful in bed & now there’s all that pesky bonding!

EastCoastMale
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 10:40 am: [report]

@Earth
I am not saying that doesnt work for some people but I am saying that just because some dont doesnt mean they are selling them self short or getting into a situation that will not work out. This isnt to say that I lust for people and dont have considerations before having a sexual relationship, I am just saying that it is a situation that can be approached differently by different people and still each produce a meaningful and healthy outcome.

I think there is a middle ground here that I feel we are not touching on. Someone can have many different steps that they want to go through before even considering sex, many different ways of evaluating a person. Another person could base their progression in a relationship more on a gut reaction about how they feel about their partner, not necessarily having ONS or just loving and leaving, but not outwardly making known what they are thinking about how they perceive the other person with regard to sex.

EastCoastMale
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 10:43 am: [report]

@majik

Sounds like an instance where everything worked out but…the last sentence does irk me a bit… Just saying

majicksand
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 10:57 am: [report]

@ECM

At the time, he was a 24 year old male and kinda high profile.  I was 19, a redhead, and 36-25-36.  How many 20-something guys do you know who don’t have something to prove?  Especially if their friends have watched them chase the girl for 6 months, and they’ve all made a run at the same girl.  He ended up with the “prize”.  Conquest is human nature.  It’s not insulting if you embrace the reality.

EastCoastMale
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 11:07 am: [report]

well as a man who is 28, I fall into that 20 something category and even when I was 24 I must have done something different because friends are friends but not an audience to be catered to, in my opinion. I only find it insulting because I do not believe it would be a reality that I was embracing but rather an unfair stereotype in my opinion. “He is a guy after all”, I think that some guys may do things to impress friends or make a move on a girl/women for some juvenile reason, just wanted to point out that not all of us guys are like that.

majicksand
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]

In this particular case, ECM, he was 24 with a “rockstar” lifestyle.  He owned a sucessful business, drove a corvette, and got very spoiled.  Chasing women was not something he usually had to worry about. 

We all have moments of shallow entitlement.  Thankfully, he also has a good heart, so he just needed a reality check.  I think a lot of people stop appreciating their blessings when they come too easy.  Making it hard for him made him think.

EastCoastMale
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 11:30 am: [report]

No problem if thats what he needed, just saying it sounded like he needed that more because of the fact that he was spoiled and type-a rather than the simple fact he was a guy. Thats all Im saying.

majicksand
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 12:10 pm: [report]

Can I get someone to back me up here?  I’ve known a lot of guys—friends, relatives, lovers, whatever (the guy in question and I split up then got back together 15 years later—long story.  Not tragic, just complicated.), and the “playing to the crowd” issue is pretty common.  Even guys who don’t brag about details to their friends enjoy the reaction they get being seen with the “ice princess” who wouldn’t give her number to anyone else.

All I’m saying is guys think differently.  They have rituals and rites of passage that women don’t (and vice-versa).  Some of us strive to avoid being shallow, but the truth is most of us are in denial.  For instance, a new mom can look like crap in public and people understand, but her kids had better be presentable. 

We all have standards and the predjudices that go with them.  Pretending they don’t exist to make ourselves feel better equates to the ostrich with his head in the sand.

ECM, maybe you really are a paragon.  Who knows?  It’s just been my experience that guys, as a rule, have certain quirks.  As a woman, I’ve determined which ones I can live with, which ones I can overcome, and which ones are deal-breakers. 

The conquest thing is easy.  He tries; I say no.  If he bails, he wasn’t worth my time anyway, so I don’t sweat it.  If he’s willing to stick around, we see where it goes.

BTW, men “train” and “test” women too.  They just aren’t as willing to admit they’re doing it. :}

EastCoastMale
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 12:20 pm: [report]

I will just avoid speaking my mind on this one, it would just keep going back and forth between you and I so I will agree to disagree.

writergirl
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 12:27 pm: [report]

Oddly enough….my husband was going to dump me if I waited too much longer in the beginning of our relationship to have sex because he thought it meant I had some “sexual hangups”.  And I didn’t hold him out on the line for that long!  So either he didn’t care about the whole “how quickly will she go to bed with me” or he was exceptionally horny.

angelspinning
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 12:36 pm: [report]

@majick
I’m going to admit that I didn’t follow that exchange too closely, but I think you’re arguing that it’s okay for a man to feel he won a prize when he gets with a woman he really wants? If that’s the case, I understand where you’re coming from - it’s not like he’s objectifying you, just proud he’s with you. My boyfriend always tells me he likes taking me out because (according to him) everyone else is checking me out and he’s like, “yeah, she’s with me.” I think he’s delusional, I certainly don’t see those looks, but it makes him happy

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 12:40 pm: [report]

@hababaluga: Delusions are good for stroking the ego.

Personally, I think 6 months is quite a long time.

angelspinning
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 12:42 pm: [report]

On the subject of waiting, though, I think it’s a personal choice and really has to do with your outlook. For me, sex is just sex, even within a relationship. I despise the phrase “making love.” The bf thinks it’s much more meaningful than I do, and that kind of bothers him, but that’s how it is for me. Both of my long-term relationships (3 and 1.5 years) started out as hook-ups. Not that that’s why they became relationships, but having had sex didn’t prevent us from building something great I wasn’t looking for or expecting. For me, oral is a much, much bigger deal and definitely more intimate - THAT they have to wait for, and even longer if they want to go down on me. But seriously, waiting or not for sex really has to do with how you feel about it.

EastCoastMale
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 12:49 pm: [report]

I agree that its personal choice and that it doesnt necessarily prevent you from building a meaningful relationship, even if you hook up quite early on. People can have high sec drives and not necessarily being selling themselves short. I have the opposite view however of oral being more intimate but that is just a passing observation, I am not to keen on the whole thing really. To me, mouth love either way is meh.

GreenAura
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 12:55 pm: [report]

I think all women just need to remember one thing:  He left because of HIM, not because of you.  If he left right after sex, that’s probably just a surface issue and he would have eventually left you anyway.  No matter what he says or does, deep down he decided to give you up because of what is in his mind.  You cannot control nor change that, so just move on and remember that you are much better off anyway!

angelspinning
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 12:56 pm: [report]

@greenaura

here here!

angelspinning
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 12:58 pm: [report]

...and by that I mean “hear hear”

Wendy Atterberry
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 01:12 pm: [report]

Eh, I don’t buy that argument. That’s what women tell themselves and their girlfriends to make each other feel better when I guy moves on. Sure, sometimes a guy takes off because he’s a jerk or whatever, but not always. Being bad in bed, and acting desperate and needy aren’t exactly traits a sane guy would chase. Telling yourself you’re better off without him is kind of a cop-out to looking inward and seeing if there’s a something about you that’s turning guys off. If there’s a pattern of guys dumping you after hooking up, the problem probably IS you (or your judgment in men).

majicksand
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 01:29 pm: [report]

@hababaluga

That was part of it, definitely.  He loves and respects me (in public as well as in private), but I recognize that being seen with me boosts his ego a little.  I’m now 36 and no longer have the body I had at 19, but he’s now 41, so the criteria for “hot” has changed too.  I’m no super-model, but he still thinks I look amazing.  More importantly, I’m comfortable with myself.  I guess I could be offended that part of the attraction is watching his friends’ reactions when I walk into a room, but I’m not.  I’m self-aware enough to accept my own bit of shallowness.  I don’t feel objectified, far from it.  I find it flattering as long as it’s polite.  Being intelligent and independent doesn’t mean I don’t also want to be regarded as beautiful.  After 2 kids, I probably need a little more re-assurance than I once did anyway.

My original point in all of this was that I don’t think we would have reached this level of respect and understanding in our relationship if we had slept together immediately.  I don’t presume to make judgements on other people’s choices.  I’m merely throwing my experience out there.

@CheeeeEEEEse

Not that it matters, but I didn’t wait 6 months to sleep with him after we started dating.  I held out for 6 months before going out with him at all.

@ECM

You seem like a nice guy from the posts I’ve read.  I’m not trying to start a controversy with you.  I’ve just gotten to the point that I accept our societies little rituals for what they are.  I’m sorry if you are offended by my observations; that was not the intention.

At the risk of unintentionally offending you further—may I suggest you try to be a little less sensitive?  None of my comments were meant as an indictment of men.  We’d all be really boring without our quirks.

Mainer
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 01:32 pm: [report]

@ greenaura: You may be more right than you think. Men don’t leave because of the person they slept with, they leave because of the situation and it is how we are programmed to think on a physiological level.

Perhaps I’ll make a few enemies here and play the devil’s advocate and be the typical a-hole male. Perhaps I am breaking down male behavior a little too much here by going back to out roots, but men like the chase. We are by nature hunters and gathers – our sole goal and purpose in life is to spread our seed. Now before I get all kinds of nasty responses and threats on my life, I’d like to point out that I am talking about the classic alpha male behavior here – the stoneage guys – who only had two things on their mind: find food and spread their seed (both of which were an evolutionary necessity).

Granted, that is not the way we act today, but in a subconscious way it is still the way we think – we are still, more or less, the same species. We are just bound by all these “social” rules we must follow in order to keep us in line, and I think the world is a better place because of that. But men physiologically lose interest after sex; most of us are unsure of why it happens, but it happens; something inside of us changes. It’s not something we really have any control over, unless of course we are MORE interested in something else (i.e. you don’t have the personality of a blow up doll, or if you can cook anything other than hamburg helper).  Because today we have things like relationships and soulmates, so we are capable of seeing the bigger picture if the canvas is big enough and recognize the need for a life partner to grow old with.

Now not all men are like this, I know this and I know all of you are going to say “not my man.” And you may be right, we are as a species slowly evolving. But I figured I’d best attempt to explain our behavior by going back to our roots and NOT using a video game metaphor (wink wink Cheeeeese). Yes it’s stupid and most will not agree with it, saying that I am an idiot and my mother must be ashamed. But hell, I like stirring the pot and seeing what comes up. So feel free to unleash on me…

majicksand
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 01:32 pm: [report]

Once again Wendy trumps us all! Way to go.

GreenAura
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 01:42 pm: [report]

@ wendy:  Its not a cop-out or a way for you to make yourself feel better.  Its the truth.  If he couldn’t ‘deal’ with you, then you are both better off. There’s no need to change who you are just because a few guys didnt think you were good enough for them.  Thinking that you did something wrong again and again will only serve to drive down your self esteem.  No matter how desperate/bad in bed/needy you may be, there will always be someone just as desperate/bad in bed/needy that will ultimately jive with you.  Its just a matter of them coming into your life.  This goes for guys too.  Women arent the only ones who get dumped afterall.

retro chic
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 02:36 pm: [report]

I would imagine it might also be a grooming/hygiene issue or conduct/behavior, ie, any combination of the stinky, vom-ing drunk who later sobers up demanding another chance, so BuzzKill #4 The Easy Mark, a combo of 1, 2 and 3. Ugh… to both parties.

Imo, keep the alcohol to a minimum. No one likes someone not in charge of themselves on any level, esp, if we’re presumably putting our best foot forward pointing in the gen’l direction of a future together. This also goes to Wendy’s comment “looking inward and seeing if there’s a something about you that’s turning guys off.” File under Denial.

However, as with ECM’s comment up top, a man will give it a second chance if he’s into a woman and the first time was only subpar and everything else went well. It would be more like she was too weird/kinky for the first time acting incongruent with her gen’l behavior, and he ran for the hills, disillusioned about her forever.

But, I must live in a bubble, I have not always waited and far more than seconds was always requested. Not nec because I was so freakin’ hot, but have an instinct for compatibility (per Wendy’s “judgment” comment). In fact, I’ll be going on my first official date since the disappearance of my long-term relationship 2 mo ago, with someone I’ve known platonically and secretly lusted after for 8 years, and I have no intention of holding back if it’s mutually right. If it doesn’t work out… well, back to where we are now with one more crazy story to hoot about.

develange
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 04:37 pm: [report]

I don’t get it. How do you “lose respect” for someone, just because you sleep with them? Makes no sense. Please, someone explain that to me.

I think there should be SOME waiting if you are hoping to establish some sort of relationship. I’m talking at least a month (but, of course, it will be different for everyone).

While I have been turned off by men after having sex with them, I’ve never “lost respect” for them. The only way I could do that is if they did something horrendous or terribly douche-y. This whole respect thing seems rather sexist to me, like “nice girls don’t have sex too soon” or something stupid like that.

sam04
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 05:46 pm: [report]

Shiza.  I’m beginning to feel downright easy by comparison to some of you ladies who have a specific waiting period. 

Haha… I often say shiza, assuming it means sh*t in german.  I wasn’t sure if I was spelling it correctly, though, so I googled it.  Awesomeness!  I will now say scheiss from now on.

canadiancutie
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 09:12 pm: [report]

Mainer, thank you for your insight. Very compelling.

canadiancutie
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 09:17 pm: [report]

I’ve never had a guy disappear right after sex. I think guys lose interest, generally speaking, after a little while (a few months to a year.) Or, they stop putting in effort, or gain a bunch of wait, or both, and then force YOU to break up with them, because they’ve stopped chasing you, because they can have you at will. But dumping you right after the first time? Yeah, I think that means the dude is a douchebag.

MoonBabye
wrote on June 5 2009 @ 11:33 pm: [report]

What is basically boils down to is, we are what we attract. If you have low self-esteem and secretly feel unloved, then guess what type of men will hit on you? If you’re being hit and quitted on by the d-bag, it’s because deep down its what you feel you deserve. Why is between you and your shrink but the only person who can change this, is you.

develange
wrote on June 6 2009 @ 05:33 am: [report]

@sam04—you’re not alone. I know I said wait “a month” but it’s more like TRY to wait a month. I’ve failed that many a time.

itsnotlovejustsex
wrote on June 20 2009 @ 07:37 pm: [report]

This is for eastcoastmale…cuz your advise is right on..I had a one night stand and it was really good,better than good….,it wasn’t till after that I found out he had a wife and children, so after the sex(which only happened once)..he admitted the truth and said he felt really guilty and litterly got up, got dressed ...“said you have my number and I have yours… I will call you and see if your okay.:” Which really i have no expectations at all.
BUT that was the weirdst thing I have ever encountered. It was extremely abrupt.  I’m a “Samantha” sex in the city type, my choice in way of life. It was just weird cuz…the way things were, it looked like things were going to continue…it just took me off guard. Men and sex…it’s just sex, I am that type of person, it’s not love just sex…but weird.. What do you think?