A Jerk-Loving Woman Explains Herself
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
2:30PM, Wednesday February 18th 2009
Rich Santos, Marie Claire‘s male dating columnist, wants to know why women love jerks. (This question is the male equivalent of us wondering why men are so drawn to high-maintenance bitches.) To find out, I IM’d my friend Katrina*, who has dated more jerks than I’ve dated fixer-uppers (another common guy type women are drawn to), to find out why they have such a powerful hold over her.
*Name has been changed
Amelia: So, why do you keep dating jerks?
Katrina: Well, for me it’s sort of a challenge. I dated my ex for nine months and the entire time it was, like, contentious and hostile. Winning any sort of affection from him felt like an achievement.
A: There’s this idea that women aren’t “ready” for a nice guy until they’ve got all the jerks out of their system.
K: I’ve dated nice guys, but I’m distinctly turned off by people who wear their emotions on their sleeves. It seems to easy and therefore less genuine.
A: Some therapist would probably try and link that being deprived of love by your parents or something.
K: Well, that is definitely true. My mom wasn’t really affectionate with me growing up, so I think I instinctively distrust people who are effusive. I feel like I have to earn it, or else it’s not worth having.
A: But after being with jerks with whom it doesn’t work out, who never give love completely, does it make you want to try with nice guys?
K: I acknowledge that there must be some middle ground. A guy who is a challenge but also not a total dick—I just haven’t found it yet. I dated a nice guy right after my ex and I broke up, but I was super turned off by his niceness. I mean, granted, maybe he just wasn’t generally the right guy for me. I think in my own dysfunctional way, I seek out relationships that are sort of unstable because they hold my interest.
A: That sounds like torture!
K: The Brits have a saying—“Be mean, keep ‘em keen” or something like that. It’s true. The less emotionally available a guy is, the more I am willing to fight to try to win him over. Part of it is also that in focusing that much attention and energy into a contentious relationship, I am exempt from focusing on my own problems.
A: So what would it take for a nice guy to win over a woman who’s into jerks?
K: I think an air of mystery is important. You can be nice, but don’t give it all away all at once. Keep ‘em guessing. There’s a way to do that without being jerky, I just don’t know exactly what that is. It’s like porn. I can’t describe what it is, but I know it when I see it.
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EastCoastMale
wrote on February 18 2009 @ 03:38 pm: [report]
...Drama
Trishkabob
wrote on February 18 2009 @ 09:28 pm: [report]
As sad as this is, it is so true. Nice guys can come off as boring. Don’t get me wrong, there are nice guys out there that are not boring at all, but us girls need some kind of game to play. I mean think about it, we play such games with our own group of friends with all the “She said this..and OMG she did what?”
Backliteyes
wrote on February 18 2009 @ 09:43 pm: [report]
Cool, more nice guys for me.
Muttface
wrote on February 18 2009 @ 09:51 pm: [report]
Hey Katrina, I hear that Chris Brown is on the market now. You should IM him.
Trishkabob
wrote on February 18 2009 @ 09:54 pm: [report]
ohh im not saying that i like jerks. i am happy with my BF who is VERY nice and respectful towards me. i am just speaking about the girls that i know and in general.
EastCoastMale
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 09:00 am: [report]
I am sure some women or girls need some kind of game to play but I know there are a good portion of us men who don’t want any games at all. Games more often than not come along with drama and that I can do without.
eatmybook
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 09:36 am: [report]
I am with a jerk right now. I don’t know why I’m still in it, except I have deadlines and big projects and I can’t go out looking for sex and the sex is good and he lives really far away and so i don’t see him that often. But he loves to fight!! Oh gawd ... I get sick of it every couple of months and turf him until I get bored and a little lonely and he’s readily available. Maybe we’re both jerks.
But I have a high sex drive and I just want to have some sex, dammit. He’s got a nice dick and in bed is the one place he is NOT a jerk and it’s really good. Plus he’s funny and he writes a good email.
I wrote him a note the other day and said that I couldn’t break up for awhile because I had a lot on my career plate, would he just be a pal and keep it light for a bit. And he said he would. But he won’t. I secretly know this, and what a great escape clause! When I’m done, I will always have ready and available break up, too!
Okay. I’m a jerk too.
Trishkabob
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 10:01 am: [report]
eatmybook- well i think we have all been with a jerk or two in our pasts. I can see why you would want to stay together just until other important things in your life get accomplished (just so it doesn’t add MORE stress) but i dont see why you would get angry when he backs away. “keeping it light” might have confused him, and it sounds to me like you just want him to be your f**k buddy. thats fine too, but let him know, thats all it is then. I dont think you are a jerk, i think that you are just confused. An he can write a good email? come on eatmybook, I can write a good one too. so can and Chris brown. An email is NOTHING but words. Always remember ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. so if he truly liked you and wanted things to work out, he would DO something other than an email. I live far away from my Bf about an hour and i only see him twice a week (friday and saturday) but i know he loves me because of the things he does FOR me. Oh and another thing, you might have to re-evaluate something. If you guys bicker a lot now, then you will ALWAYS bicker in the future.
vanya
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 10:03 am: [report]
Is it games or issues? Katrina indicates her parent was not affectionate, and due to that, she distrusts people who are open with their emotions. She credits the lack of affection from her parent with her feeling she needs to work to gain someone’s attention and affection, or else it’s not worth having. That sounds more like issues to me. Of course, I’m certainly no expert. =)
stacey nguyen
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 01:13 pm: [report]
OMG my bf is all of the above: a jerk, emotional, and nice (sometimes)
i dont know how to get out of this or what i should do. i love him ridiculously, and as much as i want to call myself the independant woman, im just not…
oh pooo..
Lover 11
wrote on February 27 2009 @ 09:01 am: [report]
I dated a real jerk like the one described above for almost a year. Then I met the love of my life, the nicest guy I’ve ever been with. Just give the nice guys a chance - you really don’t know what you’re missing. It’s AMAZING to not find yourself in tears every other day when a guy is actually sensitive, thoughtful, and affectionate.
jc
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 02:04 pm: [report]
I’m definitely with EastCoastMale: I have no use for game-playing or drama. THOSE are things that would make ME put a man-shaped hole in the wall!! I am one of the proverbial “nice guys”. I am not talking treating a girlfriend like a princess, or breaking down blubbering kind of thing here, but treating her like a best friend, lover, partner-in-life etc. Fortunately comments like Lover11’s give me hope that SOME women appreciate that and don’t all come with some soap opera kind of view of things.
jc
wrote on March 16 2009 @ 06:03 pm: [report]
On further reflection, I think much of the above may be applicable if one finds oneself in a pick-up bar or frat party looking to hook up with a guy. But behaving that way is probably poisonous to any meaningful relationship. And I know a couple of different young women who go out with ‘jerks’ and ‘bad boys’ over and over, and quite honestly I get tired of listening to their constant sob stories. Over and over again they do the same thing, sometimes with the same jerks. I’m sorry, but at a certain point their latest ‘wounds’ have to be considered self-inflicted, and my sympathetic noises get dangerously sarcastic….
David the Lars
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 06:52 pm: [report]
If a girl isn’t interested in me because I’m “too nice” I welcome the prescreening. If that’s her deciding criteria, good riddance.
bellarose
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 09:30 am: [report]
I always dated jerks, it was my pattern and it was exactly for all the reasons mentioned above - it was the challenge, I was addicted to it and I wanted to always be that one girl who could change the jerk into a loving and caring companion, but it will never happen, and it’s harder as we get older. Finally I got out of my last realtionship, I took some advice from a girlfriend of mine who told me to date someone not my type if they are interested, she did that, finally found a geniune guy and is more happy than ever. I did just that, I had a guy, not my type at all pursuing me immediatly after my break up, I finally gave it and we have been inseperable ever since. Luckily, although he is the nicest guy I’ve ever been with, he is incredibly witty and sarcastic but not a jerk - my challenge now is to keep up with his intelligence, his huge heart, and his sarcasticness. We argue and smile in the same conversation but at the end of the night he is cuddling with me and saying that he would do anything for me no matter what. I couldn’t ask for anything better than that.
feisty1
wrote on May 16 2009 @ 09:08 am: [report]
WOW, there are others out there. I have been dating a guy like this and I can not figure out why. I keep thinking he will be nice to me out of bed like he is in bed but it doesn’t happen! At least not often enough!!
I drove to his house one night to visit him before he left for vacation only to find no car!! I asked him about it and he freaked out on me! WTF- now I ask is he cheating too?? That sucks because I was falling for this guy…what a jerk.
Oliveira
wrote on May 17 2009 @ 12:45 am: [report]
Oh, Katrina, I know a perfect new friend for you. He’s called a “psychotherapist”. Mind you, there will be no sex (hopefully) but the conversation may do wonders.
I only went out with a jerk once. Played games sooooo well. Amazing in bed. Never got a single email from him so can’t tell you about that bit, but the amount of unspoken messages he sent me more than made up for that. We broke up three times in four weeks, the last time was final, and thank Morrissey for that.
Fast Eddie
wrote on May 17 2009 @ 07:08 am: [report]
So that’s what I’m doing wrong. OK, no more mister nice guy from me.
Just kidding, I dated a few women who obviously wanted a jerk. As it turns out they were jerks themselves, ex wife included. My parents were always hostile with each other and it was often directed toward me. Basically, it was dysfunctional family and never got resolved. I was always uncomfortable with a relationship that was hostile and had to wait a long time to find a good woman that appreciated this nice guy. It was worth the wait.
Kathls
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 07:02 am: [report]
@Backliteyes, I wholeheartedly agree. I find gaming playing repulsive. A strong sentiment, but life has enough crap in it to pull you down, why would anyone need to create more of it?! Doesn’t make sense to me.
I don’t want to feel like I have to constantly analyze someone’s every thought and action, and certainly not put up with a jerky attitude. Life’s too short to intentionally fill it with bs.
jojo32
wrote on May 18 2009 @ 01:59 pm: [report]
I certainly was guilty of going for jerks all of the time. Thankfully, as the article said, I “got it out of my system”. I realize the challenge aspect of it is not worth the heartache that comes along with it.
Yay for nice guys!! But I like a nice guy with a dark/wicked sense of humor.
bethylane
wrote on May 20 2009 @ 09:55 am: [report]
There’s a difference between being a nice guy and being an overly sappy guy. It’s not attractive when a guy is obviously head-over-heels and in utter awe and adoration of the girl. That happened to me and despite how much I liked him at first, I was freaked out.
I like a challenge, but not a total jerk.
As I’m reading these articles and posting I keep finding out how content I am in this budding 3-month thing (I say ‘thing’ because I’m too scared to acknowledge it as a ‘relationship’ so far).
Found a guy who is nice, respectful, considerate as hell, but who is also a 100% man’s man and he’s tough and mature (And emotionally stable!oh my god!) at the same time.
There need to be more Nice Jerks. Guys that will surprise you with something sweet and be affectionate sometimes, but won’t shower you with adoration and frighten you off.
This is all about balance, people, just like everything else.