Why Do Women Cheat?
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
9:30AM, Thursday May 28th 2009
According to a new study cited in The New York Times, infidelity is on the rise. The study also concluded that young women are closing the gap on what has largely been thought of as bad behavior for men—apparently, nearly as many women are cheating on their partners and spouses. This did not surprise me in the slightest—a large number of women I know in my age group have cheated on boyfriends. So why do women cheat? What are the circumstances that led to their infidelity? And how did they feel about it in the aftermath? After the jump, 13 anonymous confessions from women who have cheated.
“I’ve cheated. A lot. I’ve cheated on boyfriends, screwed married men, and slept with the husbands of my friends. Now, not so much. Karma is, in fact, a bitch.”
“Have I cheated? The answer is YES. I was nearing the two-year mark in a relationship and was contemplating how to end it; so I hooked up with a friend and then broke up with the boyfriend the next day.”
“I’ve definitely cheated on boyfriends before. I cheat when the relationship is going down the tubes. I don’t cheat when I’m happy and fulfilled. Either it’s a way to wreak vengeance on a crappy boyfriend, or a way to mentally end a relationship. My last serious boyfriend was a sweetheart that I just didn’t have chemistry with and I was having trouble working up the nerve/justifying breaking up with him. I cheated, and in my mind that was the point of no return—I had to end it after that.”
“I’ve cheated on boyfriends before, but I’ve also been the ‘other woman.’ Most times I am not aware of my role as such until after the deed is done, and for the most part it makes me feel bad for the girlfriend. That said, if I’m not the one in the committed relationship, it’s not my obligation to make sure a dude isn’t cheating. Some might say that’s enabling, but acting like dudes can’t be held responsible for keeping their dick in their drawers is ridiculous. A few times I’ve knowingly gone into a situation where I was the other woman—in one case with an ex-boyfriend. Part of my rationale is that I dated the guy first and therefore he’s just as much mine as—or more so than—his current girlfriend’s. In summation, men are dogs. And so am I.”
“I have kissed people I wasn’t dating in two relationships. In both cases, I was too much of a wimp to end the relationship and wanted out. I thought that if I was bad, the guy would dump me or it would be a reason to end the relationship—because not being interested in them anymore apparently wasn’t enough? In the second case, the guy was actually going to forgive me and wanted to work through it! So, in the end, I had to break up with him anyway. I have since wised up.”
“I was seeing this guy I now refer to as the Sociopathic Closet Case. He was deeply in denial about loving the ween and wouldn’t have sex with me because he found female genitalia ‘repulsive.’ I was obviously out of my mind to keep seeing him, but he had certain appealing characteristics as well. Unfortunately, they were quickly overshadowed by his escalating cruelty. I was never good enough for him—not pretty enough, not skinny enough—and, looking back, obviously not man enough.
So one night I picked up a guy who I’d had my eye on and we were in my apartment making out when SCC called, wanting to chat. By this point I hated him so much that I laughed and talked to him like nothing was the matter, all the while, feeling good about having a naked man in my bed. I dumped SCC shortly after that. I never told him that I’d cheated, but if I ran into him today, I certainly would.
That was the only time I ever cheated and I don’t feel guilty about it. I feel stupid for ever having gone out on more than one date with him, but no guilt whatsoever for banging another guy.”
“I’ve cheated twice. First I cheated on my high school boyfriend after he cheated on me. He made out with some female soccer player from another town and lied to me and told me the hickeys were bruises! A few weeks later, I made out with a guy friend and then fell asleep cuddling with him in his bedroom. We had a flirtation going on, talking on the phone and emailing, for a few weeks afterwards. I ‘fessed up to my boyfriend, and he made me delete all the emails from the new guy.
The second time I cheated, it was my senior year of college, at the very beginning of a relationship with my ex. There was this hot guy I knew, who suddenly realized that he had—almost—missed his chance with me. Even though I was in a new relationship with some other guy, the hottie and I hooked up. I never told my ex about it until after we broke up….ironically, while he was cheating on his new girlfriend with me.”
“When I was in college I cheated on my boyfriend. We were kind of on a break. But if I’m being honest, we weren’t, really. As the cliche goes, ultimately I cheated because there were huge problems in our relationship. But I also had a much stronger and very real connection with the guy I cheated with. We basically conducted an entire relationship on the side, while I still had a relationship with my BF—it continued through my mine and my BF’s various breakups and reunions over 2-3 years. I felt guilty for all the lying, but honestly, not that guilty. My BF had lied to me about all kinds of things throughout our relationship—his drug addiction, cheating, etc. That, of course, didn’t entitle me to cheat on him, but it apparently entitled me to not feel too terrible about it!
The stress of it sucked, though—sneaking around and lying is more trouble than it’s worth. It only feels exciting the first time out of the gate. To maintain a lie like that is exhausting.”
“I cheated on a boyfriend because I knew he was cheating on me, but wasn’t ready to break up. We were both young. Since we’re both Sagittariuses, I knew when he was lying. I had further proof he was cheating when after a tryst in his car, I found a long black hair in my butt crack. It was the summer and I wanted to have fun. So I whenever my BF wasn’t available, which was often, I called up the other guy, who usually wanted to spend time with me.”
“I have cheated once and only once. I’d been with my boyfriend for four years, two of them long distance, and I was starting to realize that I just wasn’t that into him anymore. Rather than deal with that, I decided to sleep with my smarmiest friend. I never told my ex or got busted. But I do wish I handled the situation better. I obviously did it to force myself to make get out of the relationship, you know?”
“A few years ago I was living with my then boyfriend. He used to cheat a lot before we moved in, but didn’t know I knew. He said he wanted to live together, stop messing around and get married. I was young, naive and thought I should get married and live a family life. Soon after, I got knocked up (we weren’t married) and kept the baby. When I was pregnant, I was alone a lot, because my boyfriend was out playing sports. I always felt like I was fighting for attention and after I gave birth, it was the same. I would be at home and he wouldn’t even kiss me hello because he was busy playing Xbox. I also didn’t feel very sexual anymore. I thought I lost my drive.
A year had passed and I reconnected with a friend from college who I used to have a crush on. One day the guy and I kissed. For the first time in such a long time I felt alive. It was like a sexual awakening. I didn’t sleep with him that time, but after a few dates it happened. I wasn’t intending to sleep with him, because I’m usually against cheating. Sex was so different and it was so sensual, like something I never experienced before. How did I get away with cheating on my BF? Every game my he used on me, I used on him.
Needless to say, he and I are no longer together. Things ended soon after, for many reasons. Till this day, he doesn’t know I cheated. I’m not proud but you know… s**t happens.”
“Oh yeah, I’ve cheated a couple times. If drunken kissing counts, I guess I’ve cheated a little bit on every boyfriend I’ve ever had. That sounds bad. Why? Because I’m still attracted to other guys, especially if we start a little flirtation and he makes me feel cute and sexy. It turns me on and I start fantasizing about having sex with him. I usually limit it to kissing though. Well, twice I’ve f**ked other dudes. A few times I’ve left my boyfriend for someone I’d cheated with just because the old relationship was getting boring and I was in the mood for some new excitement, and cheating counts as new and exciting.
Mainly, though, it has to do with another dude making me feel hot and sexy and good about myself. I guess it’s an ego boost. I’ve also done it as insurance in case the guy is cheating on me, in a bit of a power play move. Like, you can’t really f**k me over…I’m f**ing you over! Although that is twisted and I should probably see a shrink about trust issues or something.
But right now I’m in love and I really don’t want to cheat at all just because I honestly only want him. I still enjoy a little email/text flirtation from time to time though, just to remind myself other hot guys think I’m doable.”
“Depending on one’s definition of a cheating, I may or may not have cheated on my ex-boyfriend about a year and a half into our four year relationship. One night while he was working as he always did because he was a workaholic, I went to a party where I spent the night flirting and connecting with a cute boy. We spent hours talking about our childhoods, our dreams for the future—all the stuff you discuss after a few drinks with an attractive person on a beautiful night. Eventually, one thing led to another and we ended up making out on the back porch for a couple of hours. All clothing stayed on, body parts stayed covered and mostly untouched, but I felt incredibly guilty the next morning. I ended up crashing on a couch at the party and driving the cute guy home after we both woke up. Two years later, after things got progressively more strained between the boyfriend and me, he confessed that he’d always known about that night at the party and how I made out with someone else. I didn’t ask how he found out, but my guess was he got suspicious and snooped through my email. We broke up shortly after.”
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Perceptible
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 09:43 am: [report]
There is never, ever a justification for cheating. Ever. Have the balls to be honest with whomever you are with and break up first if you MUST be with some other person. Cheating is the single unforgivable act in a relationship.
hellosunrise
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 09:43 am: [report]
i still think cheating is a very selfish and disgusting act. why not try to fix the relationship? and if you don’t want to be with a person anymore, what is so wrong with just ending it??? grow some balls and end it. THEN you can go have your fun.
EastCoastMale
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 09:45 am: [report]
Exactly….I agree with both of you. I dont think its the ONLY unforgivable act in a relationship but it definitely is one of them. I dont care what reasoning or excuse someone has for cheating, its BS. No forgiveness and kick them to the curb within the hour.
PinkRanger
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 09:57 am: [report]
I think cheating can be forgivable. I don’t think its ever deserved, and is a good indicator that things aren’t going well in a relationship, but depending on the people and the circumstances I think it can be forgivable. We are all human afterall, but when reading the stories above it sounds like a lot of it is just personal trust issues.
Having said that I must admit that I have never been able to forgive someone that cheated on me, I just realize that all people and situations are different. But you have to realize the kind of self-esteem blow it can cause for someone that you *hopefully* at one time cared for.
Lynn
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 10:34 am: [report]
I’ve kinda sorta cheated on a guy. He thought we were exclusive - I did not. In fact, I made a point to have a conversation about the fact that we weren’t exclusive - either he didn’t understand, or something. He found out, but I didn’t think it was a big deal because hey, he’s not my boyfriend. We ended up fizzling out a bit after that - no big deal, we just stopped calling each other and it kind of ended. When I ran into him at a party a few months later, we were catching up and he said something about “that time you cheated on me.”
Wha?? I was totally taken aback. And I felt like a dick. Guess I hurt him and never even realized it.
Wow, I haven’t even really thought about that guy in a really long time.
EastCoastMale
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 10:45 am: [report]
I agree that everyone is different and circumstances are unique but for me personally, I have never had to, but I would never put up and continue a relationship with someone who cheated. If you want a roll in the sack or whatever, I don’t want to hear “we were both drunk”, “it was just once” blah blah. Well you know what else is just once? the chance you get to effe up a relationship by cheating. =)
kristy1584
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 11:09 am: [report]
Cheating isnt acceptable under ANY circumstance. In my opionin, Id much rather be broken up with than cheated on. A breakup hurts but knowing someone cares so little about you that theyd go behind your back and betray you hurts WAY worse! Ive been cheated on in past, I know how it feels, therefore I wont do it to anyone else. If youre unhappy, break up! Its just that simple. My philosophy on dating is: If I dont want my bf to do it to me, Im not going to do it to him. no matter what it is.
EastCoastMale
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 11:43 am: [report]
very good points Kristy. I don’t think it is acceptable for any reason either. Just breakup and be done with it.
Ginger
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 12:14 pm: [report]
I have a guy friend who recently started sleeping with a married woman. He explained to me that they got married young and they’ve both cheated so it isn’t as though this is new.
To make matters worse, apparently the woman is really jealous when it comes to my friend and wants more from him. Even though she’s still married and cheating on her husband.
I’m, like, six years younger than this other woman and even I can see that her and her husband need to get divorced. Or declare an official open marriage. One of the two.
PinkRanger
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 12:24 pm: [report]
Just want to clarify; I don’t think cheating is acceptable, but since it is usually part of a bigger problem I don’t think that the cheating itself is the dealbreaker, its usually what led to the cheating or the attitude of the cheater. Trust is so important to me that it isn’t something I can get past, but I have been witness to relationships that have survived it, and even grown from a cheating incident. Never excusable, but I don’t think its the worst thing you can do to a significant other. Maybe one of the worst things…..
Santiago
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 02:08 pm: [report]
Hey Amelia,
Can you please provide a link to the New York times article? Thank you in advance.
z3nger
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 02:33 pm: [report]
I cheated, for very similar reasons to some of these women. I was too chickenshit to end the an emotionally abusive relationship even though I was miserable and wanted out. So I cheated to back myself into a corner and mentally get out of the situation. There was also alcohol involved.
Do you think that justifies it? No. It’s definitely not right to cheat for whatever reason. But that doesn’t mean that we won’t take the easier way out when presented with the choice.
retro chic
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 02:42 pm: [report]
Why do women cheat? Don’t know, don’t do it. Once I hear about it, immediately gets filed under “douche bag/baguette.” See other post from a few weeks ago mirroring this for men. Same deed/same consequence, just diff gender. Unacceptable.
Bad Breakup
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 03:11 pm: [report]
I’ve never cheated, unless you count the one time a girl literally forced her mouth onto mine. I agree with the others who say it’s a dealbreaker. At that point, the relationship is obviously not working, or someone’s just not interested anymore. In my mind, telling someone you;re breaking up with them is way better than telling them you’ve cheated on them, and wouldn’t it be nicer to end on the lesser of two evils?
Also:
“Since we’re both Sagittariuses, I knew when he was lying.”
...uh…
ChoJinn
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 04:51 pm: [report]
First, statistics showing the mythological gap between gender infidelity was closing are at least 20 years old. I know the NYT is about done, but really, the gap probably closed when Poison released “Open Up and Say… Ahh!”
That being said, cheating is just the romantic equivalent of taking the easy way out. Addressing problems - be they relationship, work, family, etc. - is for big boys and girls, and as we know only about 12.5% of people qualify as that.
The only option for those wronged is to take the high road. As my girlfriends-who-shall-never-be-“girlfriends” have proved, their infidelities are the result of guys #&@$% them over and their immaturity to be able to get over it. Cheating seems to be self-perpetuating; those who do will do again and again.
DR
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 05:50 pm: [report]
From reading these exchanges, it seems to me women cheat to get out of a relationship (guilt is the driving force they need). I once cheated out of revenge (to pay back someone who cheated on me). I think that is the other reason why women cheat. I think its better to live your life honestly rather than be driven by fear or guilt. I wouldn’t do it now because I don’t define myself as that type of person.
becktasm
wrote on May 28 2009 @ 09:16 pm: [report]
As Riskay put it so eloquently: “You want a new b*tch to f*ck then that’s fine, but don’t f*ck hers then try to f*ck mine.”
Not that I should talk. I’ve done my fair share of cheating. Revenge cheating, relationship escape cheating, and drunk cheating. My high school boyfriend, the first guy I ever loved, cheated on me like a hundred bazillion times, so I think my college cheating patterns are residual from that. Maybe. I don’t know. Regardless, if I love the guy I’m with I don’t even want to touch another man, and that’s the case currently so I’m happy as a clam.
Nefret
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 05:58 am: [report]
I’m going to join the minority here who says that cheating is just one of many signs of problems. I had one ex who I know for a fact cheated, and another that I suspect was cheating but can’t prove it. With the one that I knew was cheating, I have to say that it was not the devastating experience that other people have had - I’m sure that would have been different if I wasn’t already convinced that the relationship was over, but as it was it really didn’t end up being that big of a deal to me when I found out for sure. I had the chance to cheat on him after that while I was still working out my exit plan (we were living together so I had to find somewhere to live before officially ending it) and didn’t do it because I thought that it would be “wrong”. In hindsight, I wish that I had - the other guy was someone who cared about me, walking away from him for the sake of playing by the rules and being loyal to someone who didn’t care is one of my biggest regrets.
EastCoastMale
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 06:26 am: [report]
I definitely agree that cheating is usually either a sign of other problems in a relationship or with one of the two people individually, or simply a drunk fling/mistake. I dont doubt this is the case but all I mean to say is that dont use it as an excuse and dont provide excuses for it. Im sure some men cheat for the same reason, to get out of a relationship, I know many will say that most likely he is not being abused as a woman is to go through with the same thing but abuse is perceived differently by different people.
Wanted to add that if two people are living together and basically are acting broken up, like “the breakup”, and the other is stepping out with a new man/woman then I dont consider that cheating because it is only the necessity for shelter that keeps you near each other. It is not like you dont both know that it is for all intents and purposes over.
the-logical-one
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 07:11 am: [report]
I am male. I have very few good qualities, but fidelity & non-abuse are among the ones I DO NOT violate (I can & have committed morals violations - but NEVER fidelity & non-abuse violations). Even when women cheat on me or don’t satisfy my sexual needs (nothing kinky), I NEVER cheated or became abusive.
I, generally, DO NOT deal w/ involved/married women (if they cheat on their husband/boyfriend, they will cheat on me). The only married woman I dealt w/ was because her husband (a friend) let/requested she come to my home to provide maid service & let her have sex w/ me. The husband approved/provided his wife (w/ her approval) for the arrangement.
As probably the ONLY male who believes in manogamy, I DO NOT understand why WOMEN (or MEN) cheat. I prefer that I be told to “go away” instead of being cheated on.
A breakup makes me sad, but I get over it - CHEATING creates an INTENSE HATRED that I don’t get over.
Am I the only person who still has some morality? Even after being cheated on, I DID NOT cheat w/ anyone to “get even”.
Is “fidelity”/“honesty in a breakup” that hard to perform?
bogart4017
wrote on May 29 2009 @ 01:29 pm: [report]
Cheating is a sign of immaturity. Its easier to take a long walk. And cheating in retaliation is even more stupid. You’re just using the next person. Scandalous!
PinkRanger
wrote on May 30 2009 @ 06:47 am: [report]
@the-logical-one: whoa now, you’re mos def not the only male to believe in monogamy. Give your gender a break! This study shows that its both women and men that are screwing up relationships!
*on a side-not…totally creeped out by your friend “letting/requesting” his wife be your maid and your f*ck buddy. little tmi!*
writergirl
wrote on May 30 2009 @ 07:09 am: [report]
Cheating is the passive-agressive way of ending the relationship. Instead of ending it, the person cheats and more importantly—makes sure the other person finds out about it.
Women, I think are often-times reluctant to take the bull by the horns so to speak, so they intentionally act in manners that will force the guy to leave. Cheating is just one aspect of that. There are many other things women do to garner the same result.
EastCoastMale
wrote on May 31 2009 @ 01:33 pm: [report]
I agree that there are many things that can be done to be passive agressive and end a relationship but I dont necessarily believe that cheating is most often the case of such. Someone not caring about a person enough to stay faithful, feeling there is a rift so much so that if they cheat it may not even matter since the current relationship is in such a poor state. I think cheating can be an example of forcing a certain result that someone wants, ie ending a relationship and forcing the other to leave or it can just be the cheater being a bia/ass. Some people may use it as a means to an end, others just may be inconsiderate aholes and deserve to be with whoever they ended a good relationship for.
Gozer
wrote on May 31 2009 @ 06:43 pm: [report]
I’m concerned with the comment in the article about how cheating was a way to validate that woman’s sexiness. For both men and women, its a very bad thing to have your self-esteem being confirmed by sexuality. I think people who cheat often face a lack of confidence in themselves.
Muttface
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 01:06 am: [report]
It seems that most people I know who have cheated on their significant others always wind up having it done to them years later by someone they really care about. Or they wind up getting fat. Either way, karmas a bitch you know!
babychels09
wrote on June 6 2009 @ 05:07 pm: [report]
There’s a book called The Female Brain which discusses this. Its how our (womans) brains are wired. While I cheated on my ex in high school its something I’m not proud of and will never forget. I’m single right now and would rather be that way till I can be in a nurturing and caring relationship. I find that its not the gender of the person which I’m attracted to but rather there personality.
jaydh39
wrote on June 7 2009 @ 09:47 am: [report]
From a guy’s perspective, (I happen to run an anti-infidelity website), I believe the cheating split is about 65% male to 35% female. HOWEVER, females for the most part seem to be MUCH MORE suspicious about cheating. This may be due to their past experiences or to men just not “caring” as much.
While it may be seen as a “bad thing” to have self-esteem confirmed by sexuality - the fact is that it’s one of the biggest reported reasons for cheating. (Along with sexual boredom, and a lack of emotional support… all things that could probably easily be addressed and corrected with actual meaningful conversation between the partners.)
Jay S.
http://www.cheaterzzz.com
Vx24
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 06:18 pm: [report]
What a sad bunch! Get some gonads and get out of your self righteous horn blowing!! I have had lots of lovers and never thought just because i had dated a person that was a relationship!! If there is no agreement there is no cheating!!! The above writers have forgotten desire,have cut off their feelings , so they can feel like a superior inhuman.
If you are not getting your needs met by all means find someone who can and will meet those sexual/emotional needs and leave it at that!!
Working on it can have two demerits: one is the other person may like things the way it is. Second they may have other priorities than your happiness!!
You are the person responsible for your happiness. If having a hot guy give you screaming orgasms fine and good!!
Just remember what is good for the goose is good for the gander! Don’t make such a big deal from nothing!!