Why Are Women Such Bitches To Each Other?
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
4:00PM, Thursday January 15th 2009
Here’s a newsflash: we women aren’t always very nice to each other. From our insecurities about our imperfections, to our competitive drive and anxieties over not measuring up, we can be total bitches to one another. A recent article in the Times suggests that this mean-girl mentality is the pink elephant in the workplace that no one dares talk about. “Despite all the money spent annually on women’s leadership conferences and professional development programs, you’d be hard-pressed to find a workshop on women mistreating one another at work,” Peggy Klaus writes, adding: “Instead of helping to build one another’s careers, [women] sometimes derail them — for example, by limiting access to important meetings and committees; withholding information, assignments and promotions; or blocking the way to mentors and higher-ups.” If these scenarios sound familiar — and they certainly do to me — you aren’t alone. A recent study by the Workplace Bullying Institute examining this kind of office behavior found that “female bullies aim at other women more than 70 percent of the time.”
While Klaus theorizes on the different reasons women undermine each other — there are too few spots at the top and women in senior positions don’t want to help anyone who may replace them, they’re afraid of showing favoritism to other women, they’re hyperemotional and hold personal grudges when they feel they’ve been challenged of criticized — another article about “bitch bullies” in middle school suggests a different theory. In The Independent, Kate Figes argues that girls grow up with the expectation that they are to look good and be good. They’re expected to be “kinder, more supportive and enabling of others. But [they’re] human too, and with too much self-sacrifice resentment flourishes that cannot be expressed – because “good” girls don’t get angry.” She says that by “bitch bullying,” girls can “express all their anger, insecurities and unhappiness at growing up, but in veiled ways.” Feges argues women are afraid of confrontation and because of this they harbor resentment, often for years.
So the theory is we grow up with that resentment — resentment over every hurt, insult, and criticism — and we take it with us to the workplace. For the most part I agree with this theory, as well as the theories Klaus outlined in the Times article. I think a lot of the bitchy behavior women exhibit at work is misplaced emotion. I agree that we’re hypersensitive, as has been suggested, and that we take constructive criticism personally and hold onto grudges, and I think we absolutely are competitive and guard our “prizes,” whether they be a higher rung on the ladder or some other way of measuring our success, very protectively. But I also think some of us are bitches simply because it makes us feel better about ourselves.
It was about six months into my first post-college job before I realized this latter point. I was a copywriter at a large radio station in southwest Missouri and about 15 years younger than most of the other women in the office. Unlike a majority of my female colleagues who grew up in small, rural towns, I was 22, bright-eyed and fresh-faced, had a college degree, was well-traveled (I grew up in 4 different countries on 3 different continents), and wasn’t saddled with a husband, children, mortgage, car payment, credit card debt or any health problems. In short, I think to some of the women I worked with I represented lost opportunities and fading youth and they hated me for it. The hated me so much, in fact, that they did everything they could to make my life — at least my life between the hours of 9-5 — a living hell. They bullied me in practically every way imaginable until I was so traumatized by the whole ordeal, I walked out of the job one afternoon and never returned.
In the weeks and months that followed, I thought a lot about those women and the experiences that contributed to their bitchy behavior. I wondered if and how their treatment of me elevated their perception of themselves and each other. Luckily, not all the women I worked with horrible to me. There were two or three ladies who were mercifully kind, who took me under their protective wings and assured me I didn’t deserve the nasty behavior I endured. It shouldn’t come as any surprise that those women — the kind ones — happened to be happy, confident women with a strong sense of themselves. They didn’t need to put anyone else down to feel better about who and where they were in life, and their self-identities certainly weren’t threatened by someone like me.
While Paula Klaus suggests that women’s leadership conferences and professional development programs should include workshops on women mistreating one another at work, I’d like to add they should also include workshops on building self-confidence and channeling jealousy in more productive ways than being bitchy to those we feel threatened by. [NYTimes and Independent.co.uk]
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lilo
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 04:31 pm: [report]
while there are always exceptions, i’ve found that women are NOT bitchier than men in the workplace. oftentimes, they are the most supportive colleagues, team players, etc. I think it’s a fallacy that women are any worse than men in the workplace. there are bitchy women and jerky men everywhere.
Lynn
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 05:20 pm: [report]
Thankfully, I’m lucky to be in an office full of wonderfully nice, supportive women. Well, except for that one who has a death wish for me….but other than her, everyone is great. There are even a group of women who work out together on the weekends and constantly support each other with their personal and professional goals.
writergirl
wrote on January 15 2009 @ 06:28 pm: [report]
I’ve some jobs where the women were wonderful and other’s where they weren’t—they generally left me alone though.
My husband’s company has woman that can’t get along on ANY level. I mean, it is really, really bad. To the point where they issued a blank threat that if one more woman stepped out of line, she was fired no ifs, ands or buts. And they would have followed through if necessary. The women all backed down after that.
They call it the “estrogen wars” in his office.
vanya
wrote on January 16 2009 @ 08:55 am: [report]
I’ve never worked with a lot of women, truthfully. I’m, an engineer, which is a very male-dominated field. Most jobs I’ve had, it’s been just me or maybe 1 other woman engineer. My current position has 3 female engineers in a department of 200.
What I strongly dislike is when professional differences or disagreements are chalked up to “girls is girls” by our male colleagues, when they have nothing to do with our gender at all. Men disagree with each other all the time at work, and it’s not *just* because “boys will be boys”.
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on January 16 2009 @ 09:19 am: [report]
Sure, men disagree, too, but I don’t see the level of bullying among them that I’ve witnessed among women. I’ve never ever been as bullied by men like I have by women in the work place. That said, I haven’t been as supported by men as I have been by women, either. It’s the extreme that exists in women’s work relationships that I think set us apart from men…at least in my experience and those of my friends. I hate to say it, but I think there *is* something to be said for “girls being girls.“I think these articles I’ve linked to sum up that notion pretty succinctly.
DancerNinja
wrote on January 16 2009 @ 09:28 am: [report]
I feel lucky, but I guess at a firm filled with scientists and engineers, the entire chemistry is different. We aren’t so much boys and girls working together, but a whole lot of geeks and nerds getting along. Ha!
I hear stories from friends all the damn time right along these lines though, and it baffles me. How insecure women have to cut others down to feel better. Men seem to just work harder, women often times will step on rather than step up.
Chelle
wrote on January 16 2009 @ 09:47 am: [report]
I’ve noticed that the higher the stress of the job, the bitchier the women are. My female higher-ups have always been super-bitches. They seem more likely to get on a power trip than the guys. I had one boss who yelled at employees so badly she brought them to tears (other females). We could hear her through the door! She tried to pull that b.s. with me and I walked out. Another one had a saucy little attitude and would make smart-a** remarks anytime we had a question. I just killed her with kindness (okay, sometimes I’d get a little attitude back) and she ended up promoting me. When I got promoted (I worked with almost all females in that job), all the women who had previously been nice to me became mean and either refused to follow my directions or did their tasks grudgingly. This is why most of my friends are guys. It’s hard to find female who won’t stab you in the back and I’m lucky to find the few that won’t (at least I hope not!).
vanya
wrote on January 16 2009 @ 09:58 am: [report]
And the really pathetic part is, if all that energy spent bullying was put towards getting ahead, and excelling in the workplace, we’d have a lot more women in upper executive ranks in this country…
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on January 16 2009 @ 10:16 am: [report]
Absolutely, Vanya, which is why this is really an issue feminism should address.
EastCoastMale
wrote on January 16 2009 @ 10:31 am: [report]
I can only speak as an outsider but I have have both bia female bosses and a;hole male bosses. Though I have seen very specific and undeniable examples of females hating on one another for the most petty reasons, both in a workplace environment and in social settings. I wont even guess or postulate the reasons why this is. I think men may not hate on eeach other as much or in the same ways because the context is totally different. If a guy says ” I saw those same shoes in the 5$ bin” I doubt he would take it the same as a female might. However if a man rags on anothers S.O that he cares for, it may be on like donkey kong.
Humble Bee
wrote on January 16 2009 @ 12:52 pm: [report]
Wendy, I feel it’s specially true when your really young surrounded by people who have had the same position for 20 years. They feel so incompotent, and at risk of loosing their job. THEN they get their super attitude if your excelling or on the verge of getting a promotion, it’s like they’re never happy to see their female collegues succeed, it’s that resentment of never having the guts or spine to speak out or pursue their dream. I know, i’m 20 yrs old, about to study my ass off for an exam. It’s like the bar exam for U.S customs brokers. Most people take it after being at their job for more than 30 yrs. I don’t understand why? Maybe I’m naive like that, but people make it seem so impossible. Those people are still at their same position taking crap from their hormonal bosses.
joyy
wrote on January 16 2009 @ 01:16 pm: [report]
There’s a little over 100 people in my office, and since ‘social work’ is the easiest way to describe what we do without writing a book ... it’s a female dominated field so we’ve definitely got more women than men, and it’s always been like that here. There was actually a point in time (I believe we’re past it) where they said they had Sues/Susans than men!
I’ve encountered both: when I did clerical work here, the office manager (I found out AFTER I left the dept) used me to cover up the incompetence of my counterpart (who was hired b/c she was friends with my boss), and then she tried to block my promotion out of the dept into a better job. When I needed help from her dept, she would refuse my requests, and just after the move she tried to paint a picture of me having not done any work my last month with her (totally untrue).
However, the woman who hired me for a cooler job in the co. was strong, smart, and more than supportive. The lady who is #2 in the co. recommended that I look at that job and gave me good career advice in how to advance myself. I’ve found numerous other women here who are supportive and just good people ... but what they tell me is that politics of that level are not normal (this co., both positions, are my first real job/s after college).
So who knows. I’m just thankful to have found the wonderful people I did, because as sappy as this sounds, they changed my life a bit, for the better. For all the cattiness I had to deal with, there are still women here (of all ages) that I actually admire and look up to. I figure that’s better than nothing, right?
Alex
wrote on July 17 2009 @ 04:49 pm: [report]
How about some females are just down right mean-spirited bitches to men and women. Just take a look at 75% or more of female Myspace pages. You will see nothing but billboards that say: This bitch does not play well with other bitches; Don’t hate me cause I’m pretty, hate me cause your boyfriend thinks so, or Boys are so stupid! What a pathetic statement from females of today. It’s no wonder why I have never been married and never will. It would be nice to have more decent girls with some class and respect for men as well as other women in the world.
One reason I think is because women are allowed to say anything with no fear of any backlash from anyone. They become spoiled and evil because of it. Men are not allowed to criticize women without being attacked. Look at shows on tv and movies nowadays. Men are constantly bashed and shown to be buffoons. You can’t do that to women because it’s not politically correct and women would freak out about how they are being portrayed. To me, women just complain too much and need to be better people.
_jsw_
wrote on July 17 2009 @ 05:01 pm: [report]
Thank you, Alex, for that insightful, timely, and well-written reply. I wish you luck in your endeavor to never become married as I know it will be a difficult path to maintain. Maintain your resolve, and be brave enough to say no, no matter how many times they beg you to marry them.
Me? I was once the only guy in a 10’x10’ room with one door, no windows, and three other co-workers. All of them were women, and for seven consecutive months, every single one of them was pregnant (the timing was… amazing, I guess, and, no, none of them were mine). While I’ve never before or since been such the target of anti-male rants (at times) or horny pregnant woman comments (at others), I have to say that we all did our jobs well and got along quite nicely.
And if three hormonally-challenged women can get along in a 10’x10’ cell, I’m pretty sure that women aren’t destined to fight all the time.
That said, some other female-dominated sites I’ve perused (like lush.com’s forums) can be extremely catty, and I’ve heard stories from friends that work in female-dominated areas (like labor & delivery) that back up claims of cattiness. Men can certainly be #&@$%, but they’re typically less personal about it.
Alex
wrote on July 17 2009 @ 05:43 pm: [report]
No, it won’t be a difficult challenge for me. I could see your sarcasm, but what I said was true. I didn’t say all women, I said some women. I use to believe women were the better sex. More gentle, nicer, more caring, but I have unfortunately learned this is not the case.
I still have many female friends, but marriage is out of the question. And yes, I have been given ultimatums from a couple women and I still refuse to marry. They were good people, but marriage rarely works. I’m sure women feel the same way about men, but I’m a man so I only care what women are like.
I have seen how mean females could be and I just don’t get it sometimes. Women need to relax and not take things so personal all the time. Many see an injustice in everything even when there is none. I wish men and women could get along better. Sometimes it depresses me how many marriages end up in divorce and what is happening to families nowadays.
_jsw_
wrote on July 17 2009 @ 06:01 pm: [report]
@Alex: Your original comment sure came across as “most” or “almost all” and not “some”, and even your latest comment implies the same.
Obviously, you don’t need to marry, and there’s nothing wrong with not marrying, but I do have some issues with what seem to be sweeping derogatory comments about women in general. Still, I agree completely with you that it is depressing how many marriages end up in divorce and that it’d be better if we all could get along.
Alex
wrote on July 17 2009 @ 06:18 pm: [report]
“...some females are just down right mean-spirited bitches to men and women.”
This is my original post. It is clearly written, “some females.”
Like I said, I have many female friends, but I have seen the way some women act toward men and other females. Some of them are absolutely evil. Go and look at Myspace pages. It will show what some females think. It is disturbing at times. I’m not saying men can’t be #&@$% either. This article is about females, and females definitely are more catty and backstabbing than most men.