Why Are Women So Unhappy?

*sam*
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 03:01 pm: [report]

from a purely psychological standpoint, it’s not just women that are more unhappy, it’s people in general. Clinical depression and anxiety disorders are like an epidemic in modern times, it’s just that we’re finally getting to a point where we can recognize it and treat it effectively. Granted, it’s been well documented that women are far more likely than men to be diagnosed with these disorders (men, statistically, get the sociopath or antisocial label). but, these trends are also partially due to the fact that women are more likely to give their anxious or depressed feelings enough merit to see someone about them, whereas men are (typically) less likely to see a therapist of their own accord (which would explain why they’re more often diagnosed with disorders of a ‘violent’ or ‘defiant’ nature).

writergirl
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 03:17 pm: [report]

Its because women are exhausted.  We’ve been told to “do it all” and are finding that we can only give 100% total, not 100% to every aspect of our life.  Which means something suffers. Being that women are perfectionists by nature, that we then wind up berating ourselves for letting one or two aspects of our lives exist at a level that is ‘sub par’ in comparison to the others.

Lauren Fritsky
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 03:26 pm: [report]

1) I heart Carl Jung. I did a whole independent research project senior year of college linking the concept of collective unconscious to Kerouac’s “On the Road.” Neat stuff.

2) Ever read “The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less” by Barry Schwartz? I think the whole idea that we (men AND women) have more choices and it makes us more confused about what we should do or opt for is a factor in our unhappiness. There are no longer two paths to choose from—there are a million. You’d think that would make us happier and more excited about life, but instead we’re getting bogged down in it.

thehighandlow
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 03:33 pm: [report]

I agree with writergirl. Because I was raised to “do it all”, my anxiety levels are off the chart.

Knitter79
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 03:36 pm: [report]

Last week my (male) friend noticed I had some branches on the roof of my house.  He asked if I wanted him to clear them out.  My first reaction was not ‘how sweet’ but ‘you think I’m not capable of cleaning branches off my own roof?’  I said something to that affect but looking back I feel really bad about it.  I wasn’t mean, but he was just trying to be helpful. 

The idea that I’m supposed to be feminine but not weak, capable but not too capable, independent but not stand-offish.  I am supposed to have a good career and move up in the world, but not too far, because just as I’m making headway I have to take time off to have kids before it’s too late.  Then if I leave the kids to go back to work I’m not being a good mother.  But if I stay home I’m not respected or appreciated.  It’s a very difficult balance to navigate and angers me that I even have to.

effing hickster
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 03:48 pm: [report]

I’d have to echo *sam*‘s statement. The advances that psychology and medicine have made are making depression easier to diagnose and treat. If only our health care system could keep up with the differences between a true social need vs. clinical and pharmaceutical marketing.

In the ‘40s and ‘50s, parents were sending their “incorrigible” and “lawless” kids (read: simple teenage angst) away to asylums where they would receive “icepick lobotomies”. In the ‘70s, people under the influence of depression were receiving shock treatment as standard practice. Today, doctors are over-prescribing anti-depressants in an amazing amount because they’re being wooed by the pharmaceutical industry.

Here’s my loony conspiracy theory:

Chemical imbalances aside, I think that depression is often a psychological response to a disease brought upon us in varying degrees by ill-fitting and repressive societal structures. The kinds of societal structures being built and run by corporations, banks, and other privatized totalitarian regimes are slowly whittling away at our personal freedom and “head-space”, rendering us helpless, and therefore, depressed.

joyy
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 04:21 pm: [report]

@hickster - don’t be so fast to think electroshock therapy isn’t around anymore ... but yeah, things have gotten a lot better regarding stigma/willingness to seek treatment (compared to the past, at least).  I think that’s more behind it than anything, the increasing willingness to just admit to being unhappy.  Reminds me of a Mad Men scene where Betty forlornly waves her hand around her house and towards her kids and says something to the affect of “how could I not be happy with all of this?” even though her tone totally gives away that she’s not.

retro chic
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 04:43 pm: [report]

It’s everybody – men and women. We just manifest and regard it differently. I generally suspect it’s due to a more crowded, impersonal world. And what family and neighborhood connections used to sustain us, are more fractured. You’re forced to interact with more people you don’t know; can’t connect as easily with the ones you do know.

Also, some women don’t feel that the world set forth by previous feminists didn’t deliver on its promise. You can have it all. And you can do it all. You just can’t do them both at the same time and not feel ripped off somewhere.

We’re still doing most of the world’s work. Something that our advanced technology and feminism have yet to deliver relief from – further stymied by polarizing rifts in our political and religious views. It keeps women separated in particular; all of us in general.

ps: writergirl, forget perfection – waaay overrated!

Lilypie
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 05:20 pm: [report]

My theory is the ever increasing gap between what we’re told is ideal in the media and what most of us are like in reality.  As the gap continues to widen, more and more women are going to find they don’t measure up.  You can tell yourself that you don’t need to compare yourself to others, that you are fine the way you are, that it’s unrealistic to expect us all to be a size 0 or be flawlessly beautiful or look like we’re 20 when we’re 50, but the messages are insidious and get into our subconscious whether we invite them in or not.

impoddity
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 06:26 pm: [report]

@Knitter79:  I think you’ve summed it up, at least for me.

Women are judged by their faults in typical feminine roles.  Let’s use motherhood for an example.  If a woman is highly successful in the workplace, but does not spend the “appropriate” amount of time raising her children, she’s seen as a poor mother.  The same can be said if a woman is not constantly gushing about her offspring. 

However, if a man isn’t constantly available to his children because he is focussed on achieving in the workplace, he is seen as ambitious and dedicated.  No one busts his balls because he hasn’t spent the “appropriate” amount of time with his kids.

It’s a world of double-standards we live in…..

writergirl
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 07:02 pm: [report]

@retro chic—I gave up on perfections A LONG time ago.  Something is going to get missed in the juggling act.  So what is important to me is where I put my efforts.

Anniushka
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 09:28 pm: [report]

Why can’t we be more like Northern Europe? I read in Forbes that Northern European countries—e.g. Finland, Norway, Holland, Denmark…—are the happiest in the world. I gathered from that article that it’s due to their countries’ good economies, low unemployment (hence, I guess, less worry about job loss?), and their healthy work/life balance. Those countries typically have many more mandatory vacation days per year than the US… Norway, at least (I know this because I dream of living there and have looked into these things), has 1 year paid maternity leave, and some countries also give paid paternity leave… and just plain fewer work-hours per week.

Another opinion I heard was that the Danes, specifically, are happiest (they’re #1) because they ride their bikes everywhere instead of sit in traffic jams—and in isolated transportation pods in general—like most Americans who commute do. I can totally understand that.

I think people really just need to slow… down. An idea of mine is: if you have to keep busy all the time, keep busy with something that won’t stress you out—something that if there’s a failure or mistake, it doesn’t mean the end of life as you know it. Like, I don’t know, learn to cook, or if you already do, learn to cook things you’ve never tried before. Or take up sewing or knitting. Join a community sports league. Take a creative writing class. Learn to fix cars. I don’t know. Just whatever.

My plan, however, is to move to Scandinavia. I’ve already got my “Learn Norwegian in 3 Months” kit…

effing hickster
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 09:44 pm: [report]

@Anniushka: AND they still pay anywhere from 35% to over 50% in taxes (but they get sweet social program support from the government).

Good luck getting in. It’s actually quite difficult to emigrate to Europe.

canadiancutie
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 10:13 pm: [report]

I don’t think it’s about diagnoses, I think this phenomenon is very REAL. My aunt and mother were happier then than I am today, and we ALL know it, and have DISCUSSED it. It’s easy to see why - my mother made a substantial amount more to work fewer hours, PLUS, the cost of living was lower, PLUS, doing things such as driving across the country IN YOUR OWN CAR, these things were a rite of passage back then. Nowadays, it’s not a given that you’ll own a car, and forget the road trip = have you seen the cost of gas??!

Factor in the fact that young women today are substantially less likely to have boyfriends and more likely to have “friends with benefits,” the fact that the media makes us all more competitive with one another and we’re no longer burning bras in unity, and it’s so #&@$% OBVIOUS why this is.

Of course, I can only speak for my (Western) culture. I don’t know why these trends are so uniform throughout the world, but, y’know: http://news.yahoo.com/s/livescience/20090916/sc_livescience/thescienceofhungerwhat1billionpeoplefeel

hard times are befalling us all.

Muttface
wrote on September 19 2009 @ 03:49 am: [report]

@Anniushka-Denamark, Puerto Rico, etc; there is a reason why they are so happy. They have much stronger social and community ties then many other developed countries. Plus, they have the benefits of almost zero immigration and a entirely homogenous society.

You want to know why women are so unhappy? It’s the same reason why most people in the richest countries are so unhappy. Women nowadays are so selfcentered and narcissistic that they are horribly lonely and insecure. It isnt all about you all the time! Instead of focusing on finding a great job, handsome man, “fierce” outfit, big house, expensive car, great sex, soulmate, wealth, status, perfect looks, sexy body, flawless complexion, and regressed aging; you should instead focus on things that aren’t temporary or fleeting. You will never be happy as long as you are only focused on “me”, but rather you should be concered with others. Join a club, a nonprofit organization, a church, or a mission for the poor. Be involved in something larger then youself and your self-centered needs. You’ll make friends and get a level of satisfaction no lifestyle obsession can give you. The greatest irony in life is those that lose their life gain it.

margshess
wrote on September 19 2009 @ 05:00 am: [report]

I know I am having trouble balancing everything in my life - my marriage, my pets, my work, my college classes and my household responsibilties.  Not to mention, everyone’s healthcare - and I try to be as preventative as possible in this area.

I feel like I am suppose to be in control all the time and keeping everything in a perfect balance.  I am sure a lot of you know what I mean - paint a pretty picture, maintain a sturdy facade.  But sometimes, I feel like the paint might be peeling in places or the facade might be flaking.

I come from a strong, matriarchal family.  If and when the men ever appeared to be in charge, that is because the women allowed it, usually for their benefit.  That tradition got passed down to me.  That is not to say I belittle or demean my husband, but I am clearly the alpha in many aspects of the relationship, like with our pets and in the bedroom.  However, I do things he likes socially, like the Opera and the Symphony and vice versa, like dining out and the movies.

But I think sometimes these days, women would not mind relinquishing a little control, even in just one aspect of her realtionship with her partner.  I know it does not sound politically correct; however, maybe one small act could go along way towards happiness.

moogyboobles
wrote on September 19 2009 @ 07:33 am: [report]

Other women make me miserable!  I’m sick of being judged, not being good enough, if you don’t live up to their high standards you get lonely, not accepted.  It’s superficial nonsense.

raqueleza
wrote on September 19 2009 @ 07:41 am: [report]

We all have the tools to be happy just as we are, at this moment—I firmly believe that we choose to be happy or unhappy. Our society is tied to such material, trivial things, it’s no wonder most of us have lost sight of what’s really important.

I’m not an unhappy woman; I try to make a conscious effort to be joyful every day. And it works. It’s not the world around us that needs to change, it’s our outlook.

retro chic
wrote on September 19 2009 @ 08:10 am: [report]

@Muttface: //...You will never be happy as long as you are only focused on “me”, but rather you should be concered with others. Join a club, a nonprofit organization, a church, or a mission for the poor…The greatest irony in life is those that lose their life gain it.//

Fantastic advice… for everyone! I couldn’t agree more. Thank you for pointing out the simplest *solution* for happiness that most forget or only learn the hard way, if ever. You GET back more in this world when you GIVE to it – mainly with your time. It’s probably the best take-away ever in an economy that is “bereft *with* benefits,” (hmm, new phrase?). Many happy couples, to further the irony, have met this way. I’ve reconnected with old friends on coincidence.

I personally strive for this with two nonprofits and train my young daughter this way in the same legacy of members of my family, and our own to pass down. It is part of our life.

magenta generation
wrote on September 19 2009 @ 10:34 pm: [report]

@ effing hickster “I think that depression is often a psychological response to a disease brought upon us in varying degrees by ill-fitting and repressive societal structures. The kinds of societal structures being built and run by corporations, banks, and other privatized totalitarian regimes are slowly whittling away at our personal freedom and “head-space”, rendering us helpless, and therefore, depressed.”

This is probably one of the most accurate descriptions of our time.  Another point I’d like to make is: the more material objects we possess, the unhappier we seem to be. Maybe because we are mostly a consumer country when we actually built our economy by creating and manufacturing. I think if we get back to actually inventing things to make our world more efficient/better and not just more technologically convenient we’d have something to look forward to.
Our lives are all driven by fulfilling a purpose to serve others- not defined monetarily or consumptions of status symbols.

Also, seeing all this lashing out on TV regarding celebs and politics: I think we take life and ourselves too seriously and take offense to some of the pettiest things.  We all need to listen to other points of view instead of being so dogmatic and attached to our opinions.  What happened to having discourse, respectful dissent and exchanging ideas to better our society?  I don’t know. I also think we all need to LAUGH A LOT MORE and chose not to be offended by so many things.

As somebody who used to be one of the 27 million Americans on antidepressants and as cliche as this is: laughter is truly the best medicine for the state we’re in.

BlueVibe
wrote on September 21 2009 @ 09:48 am: [report]

Even I—Little Miss Totally Type-B Personality—is just plain tired.

I’m definitely NOT depressed, and I’m not lonely, but I’m tired (full-time job, long commute, housework).  I’m tired of not being able to catch up on my housework so my place is always a mess.  I’m tired of not having time to do stuff I love because there’s stuff that I HAVE to do first.  It’s not that I don’t want to do them, but doing them takes time, and there aren’t enough hours in my day.

And please don’t tell me to volunteer—I don’t have the time, energy, or “mental space”.

I’m tired of being told that I should be prettier and thinner and more fun.  But I should also make sure that I’m wearing my Superhero Feminist Costume at all times.

And I’m tired of being told that I should be striving for more when I’m feeling burned out by what I already have.

I need a smaller-scale life.  Shorter commute.  Smaller place to live [I’m taking care of my parents’ house while they travel].  Smaller town.  My parents and grandparents didn’t live in big cities and didn’t have to make such a time commitment to do everything, and they could afford to live nearer where they worked, shopped, etc.

lawyrgrl
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 09:45 am: [report]

I wouldn’t say that I am unhappy with myself.  Perhaps uncomfortable would be the best phrasing.  I am very good at my job and have a man that I love who loves me.  However, like the vast majority of women these days, I have had to make a lot of choices along the way that leave me with unsettling questions. 

Should I have kept trying to have children after my third straight miscarriage?  Was it right to leave a 17 year marriage to a kind man when I no longer wanted to be there?  Should I have allowed the love of my life to leave the woman he knows he should never have married to be with me?  Not very long ago I would not have had to struggle with these questions.  If I wanted to continue to be accepted in “polite society” they would have been answered for me.  I may not have been happy about being kept from the man that I loved, stuck in a comfortable but unfulfilling marriage and in an endless cycle of pregnancy and loss but it would not have occurred to me that I had any other option.

I value my freedoms and would not trade them for the world.  However, there are times that I envy more traditional societies like the Amish for instance. (I live in PA.)  Everyone has a role that they know and accept as their own.  There is no questioning or wondering what is expected of them.  They simply go about their lives.  There is an element of calmness and relaxation in that that is is very appealing to me.  I know for certain that I could not last in that ridged a society and that I would rebel within a week.  But how nice would it be just to take a brief vacation from the stress of THINKING and DECIDING every moment of the day and simply just BE for a while?