Why Are Guy Friends So Trendy?
Posted by: Ali Jawin
Filed in:
relationships
11:30AM, Thursday June 25th 2009
Girlfriends are getting a lot of flack these days. Despite the popularity of “Sex and the City,” “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants,” and “Lipstick Jungle” (well, maybe that one wasn’t so popular), female friendship is under attack. In the past few years it has become trendy to poo-poo girlfriends and hang with a posse of guys. Considering the legacy of girlfriendship in history and literature, I am surprised to find contemporary women viewing them with such disdain. I grew up reading about the bonds between sisters in “Little Women” and “Pride and Prejudice” and the unbreakable ties of friendship in “The Babysitters Club.” During grade school the notion of even being polite to a guy was incomprehensible; boys did have cooties, after all. As I grew, so did the possibility that a guy might make a decent friend. I think it must have been some time during high school, but suddenly every girl was touting that she didn’t hang out with girls, she preferred to have guy friends instead.
Well, at my school that was nearly impossible, as there were hardly any boys at all (performing arts school and all that jazz), but the sentiment was there. Just as Orlando Bloom was a universally accepted hottie, it became a universal fact that girlfriends were catty, dishonest and untrustworthy. Young female classmates proudly told anyone who would listen that guys were naturally better friend material than fellow females. They waxed on about how other girls would stab you in the back and how they were mean because they were jealous. Other girls were out to steal your boyfriend and tell the world your darkest secrets! The chatter more or less made it sound as if the typical girlfriend spent her time polishing her venomous nails (which she would use to claw your eyes out) with the devil.
I can’t say I had strong opinions on the matter at the time, probably because I didn’t know enough guys to keep up the pretense of having guy friends. I had great girlfriends as well as girlfriends I knew would sabotage me the first chance they got. For me, the mixture didn’t reflect poorly on female friendship overall but as the general mix of humanity. Some people are awesome and some deserve eternal misery. College, however, and the sudden influx of men in my life, suddenly had me up there on the soapbox proclaiming the joys of male friendship.
To be fair, I did have some great guy friends. During my sophomore year I lived in a suite with four boys. We were absolutely inseparable. I was a girly girl and they were mountain men, but our differences only gave us things to bond over. We would talk for hours and marvel about my obsession with moisturizers while I feigned interest in video games like “Oblivion.” While I might have found a lack of hygiene gross in a girlfriend, on them it was just something to fondly shake my head at. With guys, the differences were to be expected and not viewed as dividing characteristics. Our friendship was easy and effortless. In comparison, friendships with girls were just so tiresome. The gossip and constant talking about who liked who and all their feelings bored me to tears. Girl talk seemed so trivial and juvenile. Clearly I had seen the light and transitioned my friendship needs to the guys in my life. With them there were no expectations and none of that “being there for each other” crap. It was all fun and games. Until I actually did need someone to be there for me.
Midway through that year I had an awful breakup. My guy friends said they were sorry and hugged me when I started crying. When I was still crying five minutes later, they began to panic. To their credit I never heard one of them mutter one word about girls being overly emotional or crazy. They would have liked to have made me feel better, but they were stumped. For the first time in our friendship my gender was a dividing point. How does a guy cheer up a brokenhearted girl?
A few hours later my best guy friend had an “Eureka!” moment. He called my best friend (a girl) for instructions. She was abroad, so she gave him a very detailed list of things he must do. He must have a constant supply of chocolate. He must watch the six hour BBC “Pride and Prejudice” with me. He must listen to me say the same things over and over again. He must prevent me from crawling into bed and not getting out. The list went on and on.
The boys attended to their tasks with as much speed as they devoured their breakfasts. They even found a girl on our hall we knew a little bit and dragged her into my room to “talk.” I guess they figured that a girl, any girl, would know how to comfort me. The odd thing was that they were right. The one thing I really needed was the one thing they couldn’t give: a shoulder of another girl who has been there to cry on. That girl and I talked for hours. We didn’t know each other well, but upon seeing my tears she immediately opened up about her last traumatic breakup.
My friendship with those guys has dissolved over the past few years. Nothing dramatic, we just went separate ways. There was never a formal end or anything to prevent us from being friends, but it’s just not like that with guys. I know if I needed them they would be there for me in an instant, but more for out of respect for the memory of our friendship rather than a living one.
None of this is to say that guys can’t be great friends. Some of my best friends are guys and they are the best friends I could ever wish for. Guy friends might be simpler to have in some ways, but they are more limited in others. Girlfriends can be complicated, but they can be there for you when a guy can’t. Girlfriendships are complex, but it is this very complexity that allows them to be there for you no matter what life throws your way. I truly believe every girl needs at least one girlfriend. A true girlfriend can take years to find and a deep friendship can take decades to develop. These friendships are rare and priceless.
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Riley
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 11:55 am: [report]
Argh, I don’t know what it says about me that I though about clothing when you put “Trendy” in the title. I need to go watch the Man Show or head over to maxim.com.
Too much time on this site for my own good.
Ali Jawin
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 12:01 pm: [report]
@Riley: No no no! Keep reading! You have no idea how much valuable information and insight you are getting into the world of women. The women in your life will be impressed with your knowledge.
Riley
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 12:16 pm: [report]
@Ali - Only half-serious. I thought it was funny that it went through my head after reading the title. Anyway, we’ve already established how classy you think I am. Do I need additional training?
Nice Oblivion reference by the way. You should have been interested, it was a good game!
CraftLass
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 12:22 pm: [report]
It’s funny to stumble on this today, as I’ve just had a few personal epiphanies on guy friends vs. girl friends. I always did have more guy friends, especially in elementary school as I was a tomboy and jock and couldn’t fathom playing with dolls like the girls I was around or similar activities. Yet, when I look back at my childhood it’s the few girls that were real friends that stand out and provide the strongest memories. Maybe because they were rarer for me, or maybe because we had a special closeness from being the same gender, I have no idea.
Now, my two closest friends are opposite genders and each definitely holds a different place in my life. My best female friend is my most trusted confidant and invaluable for sharing girly time and talking about the things that freak men out. She gets that I need to complain about things without expecting her to fix it or even offer great advice (though she has plenty of the latter) sometimes, and knows that if I vent about my BF it doesn’t mean he’s a jerk. My best male friend is great for brainstorming for solutions to my problems (and his) and talking about the things I like that are more “male-oriented” (like video games) or getting a male perspective on situations.
If you don’t have special friendships with both sexes it just doesn’t seem like your life could be complete. Men get a bad rap for not “getting” us women, women get a bad rap for being backstabbers just because a few really are that way. Basically, a quality friend is a quality friend, regardless of gender.
Ali Jawin
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 12:26 pm: [report]
@CraftLass: I completely agree, especially on the importance of girlfriends when it comes to recognizing the difference between venting and asking for advice. My guy friends always want to help, but sometimes all I really need is to get the words out of my system and for someone besides the wall to listen.
angelspinning
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 12:40 pm: [report]
Why do guys do that? I’ve tried to explain to the bf not to always give me advice! He takes that to mean I don’t care what he thinks…
Raugiel
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 12:58 pm: [report]
I’ve always had more guy friends than girl friends, and those guy friend relationships have always been more lasting. I didn’t really start to make girl friendships until I was in my late teens and able to find other girls that had trouble making girl friends (other tomboys like me to a large degree) to make friends with. THOSE friendships have also been enduring. But… a group of regular girls has always been hard to click into because they are confused when you don’t give a rats a** about moisturizer, or would rather burn the BBC pride and predudice tape than ever suffer through it. Especially when you’re in the pre-teen and teen years, they wonder if something is wrong with you, and if it will rub off on them.
My friendships with guys I think, have been good for both parties. My long-time guy friends are fellas who I could happily recomend to my lady friends. Through our friendship, they learned a lot about women culture, the fact that we don’t all ascribe to it, and the fact that listening and being aware of the women of their interests is the best way to go. Figure out what she thinks and wants. Be honest about what you think and want. Great things will follow.
From my guy friends, I learned a lot about guy culture, that not all guys ascribe to it, and that listening (and often being willing to demand a straight answer) would get me everywhere (or at least get me enough info to know if I wanted to stick around).
Throughout the years my guy buddies have stuck up for me, and I have stuck up for them. My guy buddies have introduced me to girl buddies who I am SO thankful to know, and I have introduced my guy buddies to some of their current best guy friends.
Screw trends. Have friends. Learn about people, life, the world. You will find people of both genders that you are thrilled to have in your life.
EarthGoddess
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 02:13 pm: [report]
My first best friend from childhood was a boy that lived down the street from me. We went to school together all day, then raced through homework when we got home so we could hang out again “until the street lights came on”, and then we spent most of the weekend together as well. We were inseparable. When his family relocated from PA to FL, I was devastated and heartbroken. That friendship started my trend of mostly having guy friends. Even now as an adult, I have zero interest in a Girls Night Out. I do have girlfriends, and some of them are close friends, but I can’t stand being around a bunch of women for too long for most of the reasons mentioned in the article. In social settings, I tend to talk to the guys more than the girls, but a good mix of both genders at a party is the best I think.
I’ve found that my guy friends have actually been there for me more than the girls have. Women always seem to have an agenda, whereas guys are straight forward and what you see is what you get. (They are the simpler sex, of course, so perhaps they lack the ability to be as manipulative? LOL) My guy friends have also always been the type to ask “Whose a$$ are we kicking?” when someone else (ie: another guy) did something to upset me. Men are very protective and I enjoy that ... I also don’t mind them wanting to “fix things” for me if they want to. I don’t want to sit down and have a talk about what’s bothering me ... I want whatever’s bothering me to be over with, so fix it for me, please. That’s something my husband, truly the best friend I’ve ever had, understands well.
Girlfriendships also require a ton of work to manage them correctly, and I have never been good at that. I’m not the type to sit around on the phone and chat for hours about nothing. I’d much rather send a few words on FB or a quick text to check in when the mood strikes me. I have a great guy friend that I speak to every few months, we catch up on things, and then don’t talk again for a while ... I know he’s there for me when I need him and vice versa. We just don’t need a lot of upkeep on the relationship to feel close. However, my girlfriends want every last detail when I talk to them, so I humor them so as not to hurt their feelings. I just don’t feel the need to run to them to analyze every little aspect of my life.
All that being said, I am not at all a tomboy. Never have been. I am as girlie as they come, and I love it!
Ali Jawin
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 02:58 pm: [report]
Hmmmm, to all of you gals that have commented so far, did romance/sexual tension ever get in the way of the friendship or change the dynamics? Is there really such a thing as a platonic friendship? I know I haven’t been attracted to all my guy friends, but a guy friend just now pointed out that I didn’t know if there was an attraction on their part. The question from “When Harry Met Sally” is too unoriginal to deserve its own post (maybe…), but do you think guys and girls can be friends sans any sexual attraction/sexual awareness?
EarthGoddess
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 03:02 pm: [report]
@Ali: To answer your question, yes men and women can be just friends. Most of my guy friends have been older than me by a few years, so they have been more like older brothers than boyfriends. Of course, some of them have been hot, but I would never have risked a good friendship for something that would have potentially caused both of us a lot of pain and/or awkwardness later.
CraftLass
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 08:34 pm: [report]
@Ali: Yes, men and women can be platonic friends, the biggest problem is that no one seems to believe those friendships really are mutually platonic and that can create tension. Sure, I’ve had a few male friends ask me out or try to kiss me, but that’s the minority by a long way. I’ve also had female friends ask me out or try to kiss me, though, so maybe there’s a little sexual tension in every relationship and it’s all a matter of degrees. LOL! Either both parties get over it and move on and giggle about it years later, or you give up and move on without each other.
I literally lived on the road with all-male bands and their all-male crews for some time. One band used to call me, “The guy in our crew who happens to be a lot nicer to look at.” They treated me like a little sister or a mom (depending on circumstances), not exactly the kind of girl you’d try to hook up with (ick!). It was fun to get to truly be the one woman in a seriously male community, sort of like Jane Goodall observing the chimps, lol! I learned so much about men and that knowledge has been quite the boon in every area of life. They don’t act the same way when they’re interested in you, you know?
One of my best friends laments, “I miss the days when you were a guy.” He’s a good example of platonic friendship and the point in my first paragraph, we’ve collaborated on many projects for many years and inspire the heck out of each other. When we first worked together a lot of people accused him of working with me only because of my looks and it was really hard on us because it was so completely untrue. Well, I guess we answered the nay-sayers, as it’s been about 12 years now and no one has even contemplated making a move on the other. I pretty much am together with my BF because of him, in fact, and he got me through some tough relationship times without ever trying to take advantage of it.
It suddenly occurs to me that this is kind of like the whole debate about gays in the military (or even in a high school locker room), people seem to think all people, especially men, just can’t resist anyone who is in front of them of their preferred gender. Well, it’s just not the way things really are. Gay men don’t want to jump straight men in the barracks, and a good guy friend won’t want to jump his female friend just because she’s hanging out with him on a Saturday night.
I do think, however, that if there is mutual interest it’s worth trying a sexual relationship rather than both denying your feelings, the very best marriages or LTRs often start as just friendships that blossomed. Friends are much more likely to be a good match than some blind date or guy you met at the coffee shop!
canadiancutie
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 09:12 pm: [report]
Astonishingly insightful article.
I honestly think you’ve said it all.
Wynna
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 09:32 pm: [report]
I was just having this conversation coworker. Of all the girl friends I’ve had, maybe two were a bit on the bitchy/back stabby side. I was (and guess still am) in between tomboyish and girly so I’ve always found it really easy to make friends with guys and girls. I also remember in high school I had some girl friends who would say stuff like “I normally don’t like girls, you’re the exception!” and list their reasons which I always thought was weird, a little sexist, and almost always wrong. I have some awesome girl friends and guy friends and I can’t imagine doing without either.
Ali Jawin
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 06:50 am: [report]
@Wynna: It’s interesting you should mention the “I normally don’t like girls, you’re the exception!” line. One of the most recent girlfriends I made this years said the exact same thing to me. I was initially surprised when she first said this as I couldn’t imagine her not being friends with everyone. She was fun, outgoing, brilliant, attractive and was basically a party in a box. I couldn’t see how she could have a hard time relating to anyone. She complained that other girls didn’t understand her, she wasn’t into girly things and that girls couldn’t be trusted. The funny thing was we had the most stereotypically girly friendship you can imagine. We had slumber parties, painted each others toe nails, talked about boys, drank pink champagne…it was lovely.
I was wondering why she should be so against having girlfriends when she was clearly a great girlfriend. After thinking I realize that it was her own insecurities that prevented her from bonding with most girls. Like everyone on the planet, she was plagued by insecurities, which she then reflected onto other girls. I think she was afraid that other girls would see her flaws. I wish she knew her flaws were what made her so special.
Ali Jawin
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 06:52 am: [report]
@CraftLass: Your music life sounds totally badass. I am super jealous!
Ali Jawin
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 06:53 am: [report]
@Riley: While you are a classy dude, I just can’t agree with you on Oblivion. I really don’t get it.
Ali Jawin
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 07:07 am: [report]
@canadiancutie: Thank you so much! I am all for faking beauty, but I really try to keep the relationship/emotional side true to heart. I can only talk about my own insights with authority, but I do try to see things from all angles. Life is complicated, so I always worry that my message will get lost in the narrative. You have made my day!
Adventurous1
wrote on June 26 2009 @ 09:45 am: [report]
I’ve been sorta a tomboy all my life. I grew up with all brothers, practically attached at the hip to my dad. I have always preferred male friends since most female frou-frou activities bore me to tears. Many of my male friends have been good-looking but almost never more than platonic.
Except for my current husband. Ten years younger and almost 100 lbs less, he LOVES that I’m not a typical female. I love that he’s not a typical male. On our first “date” we strolled through The Great Indoors, sipping chilled Starbucks drinks after going to a movie. We were just friends for five months…who eventually became close.
The few female friends I have picked up through the years, also, as expressed by others above, are very atypical females. I have never wanted typical female friends. In fact, I stay as far away from them as I can manage.
*sam*
wrote on July 28 2009 @ 07:19 pm: [report]
Ha, and to think when I mentioned to one of my professors in college that I honestly only had *one* close female friend, (who, coincidentally is gay and a total tomboy) she looked at me like I needed therapy or something.—turns out I’m not such a freak after all. thanks frisky!! lol
LostInStars
wrote on July 29 2009 @ 01:41 am: [report]
I have ONE girlfriend. I’m not going to count my mom, even though I am really close to her. There are SOME things I can’t share with her. But I really have just one lady pal I can talk to. I have several guy friends. I don’t know why I don’t get along with girls more. We just generally don’t have the same interests. I’m not a total tomboy, just a nerd really. With nerdy interests. I don’t have some silent vendetta against the female race, my dude friends just seem to “get” me more.
Ozymandias
wrote on September 26 2009 @ 12:39 pm: [report]
I have mostly female friends, but one close male friend. When my boyfriend broke up with me (via cell phone), I was with my guy friend and my 4 closest girlfriends on vacation. The girl’s (who admittedly hated my ex) response was: get drunk and get over it. When I left the house crying, my guy friend tracked me down and let me rant at him for an hour. He was a HUGE help. I don’t know what I would have done otherwise.