Who Should Tiger Woods Have An Illicit Affair With Next?

Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry Filed in: celebs
2:00PM, Tuesday December 8th 2009

I’m just gonna say it. Elin Nordegren needs to pack up her crap—oh wait, she already did that—move out of the house she shares with Tiger Woods and not take a penny of his “please stay with me, baby” money. She can get what she is owed for being a loyal, devoted wife to the philandering golfer when she takes him to divorce court. With nine—nine!!!—alleged mistresses now semi-accounted for, Tiger seems more focused on beating Wilt Chamberlain’s record for infidelity than he is on improving his golf game. I don’t foresee how it’s possible for Nordegren to ever trust her husband again, and raising children in a house where the trust is gone is no good for the kiddies, amiright? We already suggested some possible rebounds for Elin, should she take my advice and get the hell out of the Tiger Cage, but what about Woods? He must be itching to tap some hot cocktail waitress ass right about now. As poor taste is my forte and Tiger has clearly identified his, uh, “type,” here are eight women I can see Tiger playing put-put with.

Trishelle Canatella: Best known for being one-third of the famous hot tub threesome on “The Real World: Las Vegas,” Trishelle has seriously made the rounds in Hollywood, dating many, many D-list douchebags. I’m sure she’s ready to up the ante with a successful billionaire, and her long blonde hair and marginal talent are totally the Tig’s style.
Kim Zolciak: The real housewife famously dated (and was engaged to) a married man, so I’m sure she won’t mind Tiger having a few extra women in his khaki pocket at the same time.
Sarah Larson: This Vegas cocktail waitress knows how to be discrete whilst dating an A-list celeb—doing so got her an invite to the Oscars with then-boyfriend George Clooney. Even though they broke up, she still hasn’t spilled the beans on any of his dirty secrets. Tiger is sure to appreciate the discretion.
Aubrey O’Day: She hasn’t been up to much since leaving Danity Kane and ending her run on Broadway, which means she has plenty of time to come when Tiger calls.
Shanna Moakler: Her split with Travis Barker was all over the tabloids, so she knows what it feels like to have your privacy violated by the mean, evil, nosy press.
Jayde Nicole: Brody Jenner‘s ex (they’re still over, right?) loves dudes with bright white smiles and some green in the bank. As a Playboy Playmate she has that generic, big-boobed look that Tiger loves so much.
Lindsay Lohan: Uh. Why not?
Denise Richards: Charlie Sheen and his ex went through a bitter divorce, but have managed to make peace and raise their daughters together, but separate, without discord. Maybe Denise could advise Tiger on how to do this—while convincing E! to revive her awesomely bad reality show at the same time.

comments

Kiki T
wrote on December 8 2009 @ 02:08 pm: [report]

I think Elin knew about his cheating already, but not to the extent and when she exploded, she totally went for it…but if she leaves, for sure she is going to get paid….Oh the dangers of being a trophy wife…

Kiki T
wrote on December 8 2009 @ 02:09 pm: [report]

and for sure sarah lawson, he loves those vegas hostesses

40yrolddad
wrote on December 8 2009 @ 02:11 pm: [report]

what’s the over/under on whether he even knows what his “number” is? he’s been an uber-mega-star for 15+ yrs now so I’d say it’s 50/50 if he even know how many 0s are involved. I can totally picture his answer to Elin involving an “OH, SH—!” look and ending in “-ish” when asked “how many have there been?”

cattgirl813
wrote on December 8 2009 @ 02:17 pm: [report]

I don’t think he should have an illicit affair with anyone. He, nor any person who desires to be with many partners for that matter. What I think Tiger should do is simply admit to his wife, his mistresses, and (most important) himself that he enjoys having many partners, and then tell his partners that so they can make the decision to be with him. Then he should also be grown up enough to handle the fact that his partners will probably feel the same way. This is what he should’ve done to begin with instead of marrying and fooling around on his pregnant wife because he needed the extra attention more than he needed to honor a pledge of fidelity.

1 of 2
wrote on December 8 2009 @ 02:34 pm: [report]

Oh he definately should go after Real Housewife of OC Gretchen. Just his style. Plus on a persnal note I could not wait to see how Tamra explodes when she finds out. It would surely be a 2 hour special.

bogart4017
wrote on December 8 2009 @ 02:57 pm: [report]

Since he isnt bothering to wear a condom i think he should leave people alone for a while.

christinax4
wrote on December 8 2009 @ 11:31 pm: [report]

the latest is - 11 women! 2 of which are porn stars… omg his poooor, excuse me, rich wife, she deserves every dime she gets for this kind of philandering nightmarishness!

Mr. Pickles
wrote on December 9 2009 @ 08:23 am: [report]

What Tiger has done is no different that most super rich men of sports and power. Elin will definitely stay with him. No woman has ever divorced a potential billionaire or a powerful career for infidelity. Even Hillary Clinton got past cigars and cum stains and she’s now Secretary of State! Proof that women are whores for money and power. They just won’t admit it like men.

Elin will suck it up for many more years and ditch Tiger when she’s eligible for her 80+ million and the kids are old enough to drive their Porches and Ferarri’s that daddy bought them to keep their love.

retro chic
wrote on December 9 2009 @ 10:45 am: [report]

Oh, Amelia, you can best believe it isn’t his money that is being slid across the bargaining table… you have no idea how much the sponsors are “behind him,” throwing cash at Elin directly. This is big business, we’re not just talking scorned terrestrial wives like the rest of us.

I hope she leaves… for good… for her sake and her children’s.

@Mr Gherkin: Such an informed and insightful statement.

bumbler
wrote on December 9 2009 @ 10:47 am: [report]

@Mr. Pickles of course you have researched every woman in the world for these broad statements. It can’t be that the sample is skewed because there is a certain type of woman that marries a moneyed and powerful man or a certain type of woman that a moneyed and powerful man looks to marry.

pragmatryst
wrote on December 9 2009 @ 11:38 am: [report]

@Amelia McDonell-Parry: “she has that generic, big-boobed look”

Generic?! Seriously? You mean this whole time I’ve been blowing my paycheck at the corner bar buying drinks and throwing bad pick up lines at unattainable women when I could have just bought one for myself at ALDI? Can someone lend me a quarter for the shopping cart?

Frederica Bimble
wrote on December 9 2009 @ 12:21 pm: [report]

pragmatryst: Way to be just another “generic” man who makes a nervous joke. Also, you give off the vibe like you’ve come to this site to “pick-up.”

Whatever, dude.

Frederica Bimble
wrote on December 9 2009 @ 12:23 pm: [report]

bumbler: Yea, I agree with your comment. Sounds like “Mr Pickles” is a tad bitter…...

pragmatryst
wrote on December 9 2009 @ 04:05 pm: [report]

@Frederica Bimble: “Way to be just another “generic” man who makes a nervous joke.”

I realise you may not believe me, but on my honour I wasn’t nervous in the least. Quite to the contrary, my pimp hand was strong and steady when I typed that.

tomr
wrote on December 10 2009 @ 10:18 am: [report]

I was surprised that Casey Johnson was not included in this list. Once Tila and she break up in early 2010, she’ll be starved for more headline making material - no?

Mr. Pickles
wrote on December 10 2009 @ 10:33 am: [report]

I guess I must apologize. Tiger is the real hoar here. But ladies, if a man cheats on you, please leave him and kick him to the curb no matter how rich or powerful he is. Same for the dudes. Geez. What powerful double standards there are embedded in our society.