When Will I Stop Being Angry?

Ami Angelowicz
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 01:09 pm: [report]

Realize that he is limited and as sad as it may be, he did the best he could at the time in the situation. P.S. If that’s his best, you may end up feeling sorry for him instead of angry.

Riley
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 01:10 pm: [report]

I’ve found that happiness is sold in packs of six and twelve, it is also sold in bottles of 750ml.

Coral
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 01:15 pm: [report]

Tell yourself that your break-up happened for a reason—to show you that your relationship was not perfect or meant to be and to help you discover a more true love. You deserve it and you’re right that happiness is the best revenge. Good luck!

delovely
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 01:17 pm: [report]

I’m pretty sure the Frisky is holding him accountable. Your columns have inspired quite a number of women to curse this guy, and we don’t even know him!

Freakin’ bastard.

*sam*
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 01:19 pm: [report]

I was angry at my ex for a long time. I didn’t get over that until he happened to (as hindsight would show, not-so)randomly contact me through Myspace about a year and a half after he broke my heart. He messaged me to “see how I was” but as we began a small correspondence, it became devastatingly clear that when he said “how are you” he really meant “how’s that STD that I gave you after I cheated going for you? Because like, I have it too obviously, and since there’s not a lot of info out there on the possible symptoms of HPV in males, it’s you’re responsibility to keep me informed periodically.” (no lie, that last bit about it being my *responsibility* to keep him informed about the health of my cervix and the possibility of me having cancer, is a direct quote, and truth be told, it STILL makes me fume). Anyway, to make a long story short, I basically ended up bitching him out via Myspace and ended our correspondence with something along the lines of “if you want information about it this bad, maybe you should go f*ck a gynecologist!” and “my only responsibility to your cheating a*s was to inform you that you have a disease that you’ll undoubtedly pass onto others. However, if it turns into AIDS, I’ll let you know.”

That helped a lot.

UptwnGrl05
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 01:20 pm: [report]

Believe me, I am the same way. I’m still angry at people that I can barely remember, but the anger remains. Mostly, I blame it on my Italian heritage and ability to hold a grudge that simply is ingrained in me. I have started realizing, however, that the anger I feel is simply masking a deeper hurt I refuse to acknowledge. Like my ex-bf who claimed to be gay, cheated on me with a guy and then got engaged to a chick with the same name as me about 6 months later. Yeah, I HATE him, but I’m angry more because I let him take a huge part of me away and my soul sort of never recovered. Lately, I’m less angry than I was because I’ve realized that without this anger, I might never TRULY appreciate what I have with my current bf. Not to mention, the longer I hold onto the anger, the more likely I am to end up with premature wrinkles, a severe dent in my bank account for “pick me up” shopping trips and many, many bottles of whine and my friends are likely to get sick of me for still discussing my anger. But really, I think getting over it is just realizing that, while anger is something that we all prefer dealing with, we use it as a crutch for anything coming too close in daily life. Sorta blows, actually.

Although, I’d probably be better at getting over anger if there were apologies that involved presents and weekends with the girls that were paid for by the object of my anger.

Princess_Diana
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 01:20 pm: [report]

i was able to get over my anger when i found someone new and realized i could love again. lots of alcohol and having awesome girlfriends helped for the time in between

newmakcity
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 01:22 pm: [report]

Just forgive yourself for being angry. The best advice I ever got from my shrink was that how you feel isn’t up to you sometimes. It’s the failing to “get rid” of the feelings that makes you feel the worst, not the feelings themselves. You’re angry. I bet if you just accept it instead of fighting against it you’ll end up feeling much better.

Perceptible
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 01:29 pm: [report]

“Most of all, I feel angry at myself for ignoring the signs and the very real problems that would have made for a terrible marriage. A marriage I was 100 percent ready to commit to, despite those things. What was I thinking?”

I read this paragraph and thought, lucky her! Because I DID marry the guy, “having ignored the signs.” I did have a terrible marriage, and it ended in divorce after 10 years. If only he had broken up with me before we got married, I could have been spared so much agony. I would have had heartbreak (and anger) yes, but getting over a 10 year marriage is no picnic and a lifetime of regret just sucks. And I’ll always wonder what I missed out on while I was stuck in a bad marriage.

I’m happy my marriage is finally over, but I wish it had never begun in the first place. And so, because of that, I think you’re lucky. Sounds crazy, right?

retro chic
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 01:30 pm: [report]

Amelia: “Heartbreak, while difficult, is easier to get over than anger.”
Wrong, wrong wrong. You don’t get “over” anger – you *use* it. It’s a gift and a tool and fuel for projects, new creativity, adventures, involvement in causes… things that don’t necessarily involve/require men, and in fact, shouldn’t, for now. I wish the movie “The Upside of Anger” explored that more dimensionally.

UptwnGrl05
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 01:32 pm: [report]

@newmakcity: That’s actually the best advice I’ve ever read. I’ve never, EVER heard anyone say that I’m entitled to my feelings, it was always a “deal with it and move on” thing. But you’re right…being angry is acceptable. Thanks for posting that.

dudette
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 01:38 pm: [report]

You have every right to be angry at your ex and even dislike him and even hate him.  What surprises me about this article is that you have a list of people you hate.  I definitely could write a list of people I dislike, but there is only one person on my hate list and I sincerely hope it stays that way because i realized hatred has such a negative impact on my life.  Maybe my definition of hate differs from yours, but I feel that you actively hate someone and its very stressful.  Thankfully, the person I hate is out of my life forever and the only satisfaction I have from my experience with her (former *assigned* college roommate freshman year) is that I know in my heart that I did the right thing in response to her craziness, that I handled the situation with class when every nerve in my body wanted to do the opposite, and as we know what comes around goes around and boy her life is headed for some doozies.

brandyalexander
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 01:38 pm: [report]

Its awful.  I don’t want to dwell on my own story here, but the thing is, I keep thinking to myself how well I’ve gotten over it, and then something happens and I realize I am still a seething mess.  Usually this happens when I pin all my hopes on some new guy only to be disappointed.  I don’t know how to stop being angry. I also really want to know when it stops…

Muttface
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 01:50 pm: [report]

I understand your anger, but you should focus on moving on. I know it sounds a bit cliche, but all that bitterness you still harbor against those people that have wronged you in the past is only hurting you. If you somehow deluded yourself into thinking that any one of those people has ever given a second thought to the things they did to you since then you are mistaken. They (including you ex) are going about their daily life completely oblivious to the anger you harbor against them. You got to let it all roll of your back, then you can get some of that joy back that you lost.

bumbler
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 01:51 pm: [report]

I am the last person to help you get over anger.  I am still enraged at the mention of the name of my husband’s old friend who tried to seduce him away from me when we first started dating.  Obviously he didn’t go for it and ended the friendship but I will never forgive her for having the gall to act that way.  As it stands I hardly ever even think about her but when her name comes up I allow myself to be moody and call her names under my breath.  When someone attacks and hurts us I don’t know why we have to give up our anger.  I don’t let it control my life but I’m not going to reach a zen-like state regarding her anytime soon.

Silver_Stag
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 01:52 pm: [report]

Thank you for writing this, Amelia.  I’m currently experiencing what many would consider a breakup, and the feelings you’ve described are the exact things I’m experiencing now, in the same order.  This is honestly my first real breakup, and I wasn’t sure until I read your srticle if had a right to feel this way or not.

It’s been two months since we first started having problems and it’s only gotten worse, and I’ve been feeling terrible because I didn’t think I should be feeling this way for so long.  Though I’m not happy that you, or anyone, has to feel this anger and pain, it helps me to know I’m not the only one and that I’m not alone.  Thank you.

Jenn27549
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 01:55 pm: [report]

@newmakcity and @UptwnGrl05:  I’d have to completely disagree with that concept.  Its probably just different approaches to different problems but my therapist said the ONLY thing you can control are your feelings.  You certainly can be “right” in feeling one way, and your reaction can be the “correct” one, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to those feelings.  But in the end, if you keep waiting for some external factor to change the way you feel you will be waiting a long time. 

I used to be a very angry grudge holder, too.  I realized the only person it was hurting was me.  Forgiveness is damn near impossible for any human, so I don’t stress so much on that.  In the end you are still giving him too much power—the power to make you angry.

jimnist10
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 02:10 pm: [report]

Amelia, I feel like what you’re saying is how I feel ALL the time about THE EX. From the anger about the lies, to wanting marry him despite all the signs, etc. Everything you wrote, I feel. We dated for four and a half years and it’ll be 3 years in January since we broke up and I can’t let go of my anger.  Maybe it’s because I found out from a close mutual friend that he had cheated on me with strippers and escorts and “happy ending” ladies (thank goodness I’m STD free!) and I feel like that knowledge just opened up my wound. And then I also found out that he was dating his current gf when we had a post-breakup “encounter” 8 months after the breakup. He turned me into “the other woman” without my consent. He didn’t tell me! How was I supposed to know! Ugh.

And the best part is that my anger doesn’t stop me or hold me back. I have a wonderful boyfriend and am generally happy with my life. But just THINKING about THE EX makes me want to scream despite the fact that I’ve moved on and learned so much about myself as a result of that relationship.

I have to say one thing that was pretty amazing: I ran into him with his gf last night and it was amazing. It’s so petty, but I was actually out for a run and in my sweaty glory, I am hotter than his gf. He looked bloated and she’s a potato.  I think back to the times he called me fat when I was half is current gf’s size and now think “Downgrade!”. It’s shallow, but it felt good to see him look like a deer in headlights and her clearly feel threatened. At that moment, I wasn’t angry. I was elated. I ran for another half hour.

Brooke
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 02:14 pm: [report]

“Anger is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy will die.”  That’s a quote (I, uh, think I heard on Oprah) that I live by. 

The day you are no longer angry is the day you realize that his behavior had nothing to do with you.  He wasn’t sitting around plotting to hurt you- hoping that your self esteem would be destroyed and you would ruin every future relationship.  It is the same with the friend that ditched you before high school, and the cousin that thought being loyal meant blowing you off.  Sad situations, but neither of them had to do with you. 

Have you ever led someone on too long or lied to save face?  Using your own experiences can help you see things from his perspective.  The way he treated you stems completely from his insecurities.  My ex-bf (who belongs on “Tool Academy” minus the faux-hawk) belittled me for months, constantly making me feel like I had to be “on” and say the “right” things in order to dodge his criticism.  After the fact, I realize that he has a problem with all women in general.  He had a terrible childhood, raised by an awful mother who he doesn’t respect.  The way he treated me stemmed from that.  It had nothing to do with me and it will have nothing to do with the next girl he dates.  And the next.

I don’t have any profound “anger overcoming” stories (as I tend to skip anger completely and dive directly into the emotion anger is usually covering up) but you should listen to the messages that are out there.  How did the distraught father forgive the murderer that killed his son?  Obviously a much different situation, but still.  If he can overcome it, so can you.

retro chic
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 02:43 pm: [report]

OK so if you really want advice, Amelia, I also want to add: you don’t strike me as someone who cuts loose and *expresses* your anger. From what I gather in your post, you mainly *feel* it, talk and write about it. It may be scary to let yourself get out of control, but rage has its place, and sometimes going primal is good for you. I had to learn quite late that lesson.

I’m sure I don’t need to remind you anniversaries only spike these feelings. It doesn’t mean you’ve regressed. We’re seasonal creatures and we all relive our milestones.

Forget about any “justice system” for liars. Keep your focus on what you need and want out of life.

OK, now to deal with my 5-year anniversary (labor day) of a relationship that ultimately went NOWHERE! File under “missing time.”

Tart and Soul
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 02:48 pm: [report]

I envy you for being so present in your anger. With all the toads I’ve dated, I should be boiling lots of bunnies. Maybe I’m too nice.

What if you did something truly Oprah-ish: write all your hateful feelings in a letter, let it all come out as ugly, violent and insane as you’re feeling it. Maybe you’ll send it (though maybe not, because then you’ll be mad at yourself for giving him the pleasure). I used to think things like sadness and anger called for booze and meaningless hookups. But unfortunately, you wake up, and the anger’s sitting on your chest saying, “mornin’ sunshine, remember me?”

Get the feelings out - cry, hit things, scream and maybe even call the guy and tell him he’s an a**hole.

And yes, focus on finding someone else. Fantasize about how hot and wonderful and kind your next boyfriend’s gonna be and start looking for him. Love just might heal this wound.

Good luck!

WinkyFace
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 03:06 pm: [report]

Thank you for writing this today, Amelia! My boyfriend and I broke up over 5 months ago, and although it was mutual sometimes I still feel extreme anger that he could dismiss the close friendship we had BEFORE we dated just because we are no longer a couple. Most of the time I don’t think of it, but last night I had a dream about fighting with him about our friendship, and woke up today feeling so angry, and then I was confused as to why I felt that way. Lucky you have a job where you can vent to so many who can empathize, as I’m sure that’s pretty cathartic. I need to re-start my journal writing ways because I’ve found that getting things down on paper (or at least typed up on the computer) is the best way for me to acknowledge and get past my negative feelings.

pragmatryst
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 03:11 pm: [report]

@Amelia McDonell-Parry: “There’s that saying that it takes half the length of the relationship to “get over it.” If that were the case, I would have another year and four months to go.”

Well then, by my rough estimate you need approximately 20 chocolate Advent calendars to count down the days until you’re in the clear.  In the mean time, just to be sure those extra calories don’t end up on your hips, schedule a regular brisk walk to the library to check out some fluff fiction to help keep your mind occupied during the occasional acute bout of obsessive anger, and if you happen to walk by the self-help section and notice anything on cognitive therapy or any title by Byron Katie pick it up, you know, for, uh, research on that one, um, article you’re writing.

Oliveira
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 03:13 pm: [report]

Try the book “Don’t get angry, get wise” by Mike George.

In my experience anger is a total waste of time—AND it is pointless since the chap is out there, completely unaware, while you are sitting in front of your computer cursing his name. What happened, happened, it is now the past, and focusing on it is taking your valuable time that you could spend focusing on the amazingness of now and the future.

bettyboo
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 03:15 pm: [report]

My boyfriend’s ex is the most consistently angry person I’ve ever encountered, she seems to nurse it and cherish at and cannot let it go and I feel sorry for her for it. I can get angry in the short term but can’t hold a grudge, even for the most terrible things like my abusive ex-boyfriend, because I just can’t be bothered to expend the energy on it.  I realised a long time ago that the only person who gets hurt by it most of the time is the person who’s angry, they’re being made miserable by it as they let it affect their life while alot of the time the person who they’re angry at is blissfully unaware and going on happily with their life.  If someone’s treated you that badly, tho don’t deserve any consideration at all let alone a place in your head where they can continue to hurt you.

_jsw_
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 03:24 pm: [report]

As Princess_Diana said, the easiest way to get over anger is to find someone better for you (by the way, if you’re with someone but wondering if they’re better for you, they’re not). If you go it alone, the anger will eventually fade, but it takes a lot longer.

@bumbler: I understand that you’re angry, but by your husband’s ex-friend merely tried to find out if she had a chance at him while you were in the very beginning stages of dating him yourself. Years and years ago. Given that the ultimate goal of many people who date (aside from ones who just are after sex) is to find a good partner, why do you blame her for trying? Marriage means you’re taken. Engaged means you’re mostly taken. Dating means you are not taken but might be at some point. She offered. He turned her down. I hope you can get past it at some point.

retro chic
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 03:29 pm: [report]

@Oliveira: I agree 100%. The trick is learning the skills, probably contained in your book pick. But the skills start with getting the anger out of your body once and for all, and that’s the place where I think Amelia is now. A person can’t let go of something who hasn’t fully embraced its import yet – those being the “lessons” and development of these life skills, not just those of the breakup. Much easier said than done. The rest are obsessive thoughts that can be redirected. Where were you when I needed that book!? I had to do it the hard way.

Pamela
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 03:37 pm: [report]

i get you Amelia!
people telling you to stop being mad won’t help, or at least it hasn’t helped me. i know anger is bad, i know anger doesn’t help; but sometimes you can’t just help it

the only thing that has worked (to some extend) is time

“Forgive and forget. That’s what they say. It’s good advice, but it’s not very practical. When someone hurts us, we want to hurt them back. When someone wrongs us, we want to be right. Without forgiveness, old scores are never settled… old wounds never heal. And the most we can hope for, is that one day we’ll be lucky enough to forget.”

my advice would be to cut every connection you had to your ex, forget he was even there and try to make him just a distant memory. something similar happened to me, and that’s how i dealt with it; unfortunately i live in a small town, and with the same circle of friends as my former-bestfriend (who happens to be my cousin, who cheated with my boyfriend) im still angry at her, mostly because she keeps popping into my life; but i overcame the anger towards my ex after he moved away a year ago

i know you will hate to hear this, but it’s all a matter of time
and finding hobbies; hobbies or jobs that make yourself proud =)

retro chic
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 03:37 pm: [report]

You know, this is really riling me. There is so much info and classes on child-development. I have yet to see a complete source that deals strictly with adult-development and doesn’t require a pill or syndrome. Everything, eg, self-help, is over niche-marketed to those ends.

_jsw_
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 03:53 pm: [report]

@retro chic: I just wanted to say that I’m sorry about what you’ve had to deal with. Your various posts recently (and maybe before) have exposed some of it, and I’m glad you moved through it as well as you have.

@Amelia: I think one of the problems, unfortunately, is TheFrisky and your need to write blog posts for it. While the break-up has been excellent fodder for many of these and has helped all of us discuss a number of topics and helps to bring people to the site, all of these articles and comments also make it impossible for you to forget what happened. It’s constantly being shoved back to the forefront of your mind, and nearly always with negative connotations, so a circle of hateful thoughts just keeps swirling around.

While it might be bad for us, it might be good for you to postpone mentioning it for a while. Or not. I’m not a shrink, nor have I played one on TV. But in my experience, it’s good - really good - to vent for a while, and then it’s good to just… try to let it go and not dwell on it. Good, but not in any way easy.

Knitter79
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 04:00 pm: [report]

I’m going on two years since I broke up with my ex boyfriend of five years.  My anger is almost completely directed at myself for so many reasons.  (why did I stay with him so long, why did we get back together after the first breakup, why did I let him move in with me when I knew the only reason was for him to save money and have someone take care of him, why didn’t I yell at him more when we were together instead of keeping it all in, why didn’t I stand up for myself more, etc.)  With time it’s gotten much better, but there are still some memories that instantly bring back the anger.  I’ve been trying to just let it happen and not fight my feelings like others have mentioned, and it does help, but I don’t know how to completely get rid of it.  I definitely don’t miss him or have any feelings (besides anger) for him.  I’m in a new relationship that makes me happy in a way that I’ve never felt before.  But I still want to rub that in his face…show him he was the reason I was miserable.

Three years of therapy and I still have a hard time accepting my emotions as they occur.

bumbler
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 04:14 pm: [report]

@ jsw I left a lot out because it’s a long story to tell but there were numerous lies about me to friends and loved ones, public attempts to humiliate me and one night where I was shoved into a bar all in an underhanded attempt to make me look like a fool and win him.

Jenn27549
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 04:19 pm: [report]

I mean, it is cheesy and cliche but you do have to just find a way to get over it.  What will work for one person won’t work for the next.  Its just trial and error.  I still have times where I let my anger get the best of me.  I tend to dwell on the bad and downplay the positive.  My therapist said when I get mad about something to think about it for 5 seconds, then start making a mental list of things I’m not mad about from that day, week, whatever.  When I get mad at my husband, think about it for 5 seconds then start thinking about the things I love about him.  I have to force myself to realize that the anger in my life is only as big as I allow it to be.  So I just don’t allow it to get very big.

retro chic
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 04:24 pm: [report]

@jsw: OK. This is the “Anger” post. So, “What do you *mean* by that!”  You’re sarcasm is so… delicate. heehee

bjoontheupside
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 04:39 pm: [report]

I have a hard time at letting go of anger myself, so I can totally relate to this article. I too still occasionally think about all the negative things people from my past have done to me. I hate that I do it. I certainly would rather not think about it, but it’s just who I am and I have to accept that.

I’m still not completely over the anger I feel with my ex-husband. The man never gave me real closure, even when I tried to set up a meeting to talk about it. I will say that with time it has gotten much better. It’s been three years since our divorce and every year on that anniversary date, I realize that I’m smiling a little more than the year before. There are occasions though when he’ll pop into my head and I realize just how bitter the thoughts are. Ultimately, I don’t think there’s any advice one can give to another person about how to get over the anger because it’s different for everyone. It’s ones own personal struggle. I will say that it always gets better with time, so…you’re just going to have to wait it out and keep living your life. :o)

_jsw_
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 04:45 pm: [report]

@bumbler: Sorry to have misjudged your reasons for anger. Truly. The bitch can fry.

@retro chic: Sometimes I don’t even know when I’m kidding.

retro chic
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 05:03 pm: [report]

@jsw: wup… there ya go again! Disclaimer: any well-intentioned thoughts are fine by me… the rest? Grrrr…

bumbler
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 05:15 pm: [report]

@jsw no problem I know my first post was vague.  I think I’m only half with you on the pursuing someone who is dating someone else thing though.  I guess the best way to handle it would be to be totally up front.  If someone started to play the whole flirting/ courtship game it would be very disrespectful to the partner.

_jsw_
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 05:23 pm: [report]

@retro chic: “Grrrr….” Mmmm. Cougar sounds.

@bumbler: I agree with the up-front bit. I also agree that it sucks to have someone stolen away. But if the new couple is more compatible than the previous one, everyone is ahead in the long run. I think it sucks to try to break people up as just a game, but if someone truly things someone else is right for them, a dating relationship should not stand in the way, and, as with you, if that person was wrong, it’ll be obvious. But I completely agree that lies and underhanded tricks are not kosher.

retro chic
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 06:30 pm: [report]

@jsw: “Mmmm” indeed.

But what do you call it when the prey stalks the predator?

No kidding, I’m dealing with that now.

_jsw_
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 06:34 pm: [report]

@retro chic: I’d call it “stupid prey” but that’s just my estimation of your abilities vs. his. Good luck with it all. It doesn’t sound fun.

Or maybe it is. A mountain lion won’t turn down dinner walking right up to her.

retro chic
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 06:50 pm: [report]

@jsw: he’s 6-2, 275. Two of me can fit in him plus leftovers. I’m scrappy, but not that kind.

DancingGeek
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 07:03 pm: [report]

Take up kick boxing and picture his face being pounded. Even a tae bo video will work.

You’re angry now, but he did you a favor- now you can find someone truly worthy of you.

And I agree with jsw- stop rehashing it- not for a while but permanently- it doesn’t help you, it’s like picking a scab.

MoonBabye
wrote on September 14 2009 @ 09:20 pm: [report]

I’m going to go out on a limb and say: buy the Sedona Method. When you actually feel your feelings and release them, over time, you’ll feel better. Anger is just a symptom of your still feeling hurt. Embrace your feelings instead of running away from them. What you resist, persists!

Joey Daytona
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 06:28 am: [report]

The Sedona Method worked for me.
It’s all about issues of control, security and approval. Soem say that unless you have those alone, you can’t enjoy yhem w/ someone else…

elizabethmarley
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 09:43 am: [report]

I absolutely feel every word of this post. I’m always wondering if I’ll be done wasting my energy being mad at my ex.

BlueVibe
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 11:28 am: [report]

You’re wasting your time.  Being angry for a whole year is completely useless—it has no effect at all on him and it’s eating you up.  You’re the only one who’s being hurt by it.

Get some help and move on.

plasticrose
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 11:35 am: [report]

I honestly could have written that myself. Honestly I think it’s okay to be angry and it’s healthy to express it. One of the things I’ve learned from having depression is that if I supress my anger and don’t let myself be angry, I end up supressing all my emotions, including the good ones, and I end up feeling much worse. I think the way to deal with it is say “okay, I’m going to let myself me as angry as I want for the next hour, then I’m going to move on with my (day/week/whatever)”. Then scream into a pillow, rant down the phone to your best friend, break something… whatever. Then let it go. But don’t expect yourself to just let it go without expressing it because that’s not how emotion works.

plasticrose
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 11:42 am: [report]

And to anyone who says ‘being angry is useless/a waste of time/etc’ I say this: emotions aren’t logical. We feel what we feel and we can’t help it. There’s nothing inherently unhealthy about anger. What’s unhealthy is when you can’t express it in a healthy way and it ends up becoming self-destructive, either because you take it out on others or because you turn it back in on yourself. I spend so much time taking out my anger on myself and it ws a big reason I became Anorexic. I personally think it’s healthier to accept anger, and let yourself feel it, but know that you are in control and you’re not going to let it take over your life. There’s no reason to be afraid of anger so long as you know you’re in control.

majicksand
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 02:40 pm: [report]

I was a viper for a full year after my ex-husband and I separated.  I hated him, myself, and everything and everyone else.  What’s worse is he didn’t leave me; I threw him out.  At some point, I decided to stop allowing the rage to control my life.  I made a decision.  I rehashed the entire mess in my mind and excepted the mistakes.  His as well as my own.  I forgave myself for mine and decided his were for him to deal with.  I reminded myself of all the good things in my life I have to be grateful for everyday.  It was still a long road back to happy, but I stopped being furious by choice.  As others have pointed out, I was only hurting myself.  My ex stopped being concerned with my feelings about him or any thing else long before he ever walked out my door.

Amelia, there is no magic wand.  All I can advise is acknowledge the pain and the anger then choose to move on—for you.  He is no longer worthy of your time.

bearclover
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 03:07 pm: [report]

It’s one thing to wallow and then move on, but what to do when they have the ability to keep coming back and wounding you?  Since I waited a very long time to get divorced (we were apart for years and then they found the tumors.  Suddenly, I have to “get my affairs in order” and filed for divorce) I’m finding myself back in the thick of it. 

It brought up so many negative feelings in me (being suddenly light a uterus didn’t help my emotions either).  I know having to deal with the unaddressed emotions of my marriage and subsequent divorce contributed to the failure of my most recent relationship. 

I realized today, when I couldn’t stop crying AGAIN that maybe I needed some help.  I don’t want to be this angry forever and I don’t want to keep choosing inappropriate partners.  I can give you a laundry list of the mistakes made on both sides in each relationship I’ve ever had.  I’m not unaware of my shortcomings.  And yet I still stink of anger towards my ex-husband.  More importantly than “when will I let go of it?” is “why can’t I let go of it?”

Has counseling helped anyone or will I just be paying someone to listen to me piss and moan?

slip
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 03:18 pm: [report]

Every relationship has problems. The ones you can’t solve aren’t problems. They’re facts, and facts require different options than problems.

Here, the fact is that you were with a liar. When they lie, it has nothing to do with us and everything to do with what they need to get through life. Once you see lying as the fundamental fact of their existence, you begin to pity them, and it becomes easier to forgive and move on.

But you have to forgive before you can move on.

Slip

freepeople1986
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 03:29 pm: [report]

You know when I stopped being angry?  When I met and fell in love with someone better.  If my ex hadn’t left me/lied to me/cheated on me/publicly ran out on me (on my birthday), then maybe I’d still be with him, and I’d never have met the person I was with after my ex (okay, so it was 3 years later, but still, the anger is gone).  I hate to say you can’t “get over it” on your own terms, but for me it would have been hard to do it without finding someone better.

Midnight
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 06:21 pm: [report]

I know perfectly well where you are coming from.  I was angry for the longest time about my ex-boyfriend.  He lied, he cheated, placed the blame on ALL our relationship issues on me, etc. etc.  Once it all ended we sat down and talked.  In the end I tried to handle things like a grown up and all I got back was all I ever got back.  Everything in his life was a mess and apparently it was, again, all my fault.

That was the last time I ever talked to him.  I was mad, I too had dreams of chewing him out..in fact it was my favorite day dream for a long, long time.  Then one day I sat down and asked myself why I was so angry and I realized that I too wanted him to be held accountable for all the crap he never owned up to doing…and yet he never would be.  At that point I started learning to stop thinking about him, he wasn’t worth the time and effort. I knew he would never change and he won’t be the better person for it.  In fact, I started feeling sad for him and eventually I had to forgive him.  You don’t even have to forgive him because you want him to feel better…you have to forgive them for yourself.  If you never forgive then you can’t put it past you and move on.

plasticrose
wrote on September 15 2009 @ 06:36 pm: [report]

“Has counseling helped anyone or will I just be paying someone to listen to me piss and moan?”

There is a point at which if anger and overwhelming sadness are taking over your life, you could need some help to get over it. Counselling really helps some people, others don’t think it helps at all, I think it’s a personal thing. You could look at it like you’re paying somebody to listen to you, but personally I think a good counsellor does more than that. They give you an outsider’s opinion, and a fresh point of view on the situation. Sometimes, a few months after a breakup, you stop feeling like you can talk about it to your friends because they expect you to be over it by now. But getting over a divorce, or the end of any really important relationship, can take much longer than that to truly heal, so as sad as it is, sometimes it really is worth paying somebody to listen (that is, if there aren’t any free counselling services near you).

BlueVibe
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 09:22 am: [report]

plasticrose: No, emotions aren’t logical, but we are still responsible for doing something about them if they’re causing us harm.  Nobody else can do that for us.  Hanging onto anger for that long without an apparent end it sight is a problem.  Yes, the ex may have been a monumental jackass, but she can’t control that.  She shouldn’t let him continue to control her, which is what happens if she stays angry. 

Worse, he’s not even doing anything to her any more: She’s effectively using him as a weapon against herself.  If she wants to meet somebody else (not that she needs to, but if she wants to), it’s not going to happen while she’s this mad because she’s either going to drive him away right off, or poison the next relationship with her anger and resentment.  Yeah, be angry for awhile, but then get some perspective.

Personally, I’ve always suspected that people who stay that angry for that long are incredibly egotistical.  “How DARE somebody treat me unfairly?”  Yeah, well—it won’t be the last time it happens, and you’re not alone.  That’s life.  Get a grip.

I’ve dated creeps and losers, been cheated by bosses, etc., etc.  It sucked.  I dumped them, got better jobs, whatever it took, and got out.  Why would I let some loser who drank too much and was running three and four girls at once haunt my life?

plasticrose
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 01:24 pm: [report]

‘That’s life’ and ‘get a grip’ are two of the most unhelpful, insensitive phrases you can possibly say to somebody going through anything traumatic. I’m not saying that there’s not a point at which anger can become destructive. My point is that you have to express it in order to be able to let it go. It’s not egotistical to be upset because somebody hurts you. It’s freaking human.

sophie19
wrote on September 16 2009 @ 02:44 pm: [report]

Can anger be useful? Sure. Is it often justified? Probably.

Beyond that though, it’s more useful to see yourself as a flawed person. Perfection cannot be found in self or in others—and that’s also justified. Are you going to hate yourself for doing wrong if that’s what you hate about others?

I let myself feel anger and sadness for a time. And then I let myself see what hope there is for the future. That’s why I’m capable of smiling and saying “Hi” to the people who have hurt me the most. I wish good for them, and hope they do for me as well. And I feel good about myself because of it. And I’m truly happy.

hereshestands
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 05:04 am: [report]

Hey Amelia,

First of all you sound like a pretty awesome chicky so this guy who went and dumped you is a douche bag and here is a link to a little method for forgiveness. I was angry at this girl for like 3 years and I did this and it helped a bit so maybe it will help you.

http://women4hope.wordpress.com/2007/01/19/five-steps-to-forgiveness/

99girl
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 11:51 am: [report]

Nice job majicksand.
That said it all.

majicksand
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 12:28 pm: [report]

@99girl:  Thanks.  It worked for me.  Now that I’m happy, everyone else’s misery is sooo much more obvious.  I guess I was too wrapped up in my own to see it before.  It makes me sad.  I feel very blessed and am grateful for my good fortune.  I sincerely hope that everyone who hasn’t “found their bliss” yet gets there. (Even my ex husband)

moonblossom
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 02:50 pm: [report]

Don’t stop being angry. Anger is a sign you were wronged. Instead make a nice little container in your head and keep your anger in there. If you find yourself wondering down a familiar path with him (or one like him) get out your anger and bop him on the head with it…so to speak.

chouette
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 02:11 pm: [report]

I don’t know, I got dumped a year ago, too, and I’m still sad AND angry.  More sad than angry.  I did counseling for months; it helped in the short-term when I was falling apart, but I wouldn’t say it’s helped me move on.  I think that’s more a reflection of my not having found the right therapist than on counseling in general, though.  I think it’s really hard to let go of wanting someone to own up to their bad behavior.  I just want to get in his face and yell “RESPECT ME, DAMNIT!!”, but I’m to the point now that I realize it’s not ever going to happen.  And I HATE that I still miss him.  It’s ridiculous and masochistic, but what are you going to do?

daisyb
wrote on September 19 2009 @ 03:56 pm: [report]

Thanks for writing about this, Amelia! My ex-husband left me suddenly almost three years ago (for a “friend” he worked with but supposedly never hooked up with… yeah, right!) and I am still surprised by the anger I feel towards him at times. I too have shed WAY too many tears out of insecurity over guys who were simply not worth it. I’m currently in my first “real” relationship since the divorce (meaning it’s lasted more than two months and has a strong base of friendship and commonality rather than loneliness and physical attraction) and am SLOWLY working my way towards not caring one whit about the ex. It doesn’t hurt that my boyfriend is mature enough to get that a person acquires baggage through really living. Oh, and I took up boxing—it whipped me into shape and provided a fantastic outlet; I’d recommend it to anyone dealing with breakup anger!

draymond
wrote on September 19 2009 @ 08:38 pm: [report]

I hope that this will not come across as too glib, but you will stop being angry when you decide to.  The only thing really keeping you angry is you.  The only one being harmed by your anger is you.  You think your ex cares that you are angry?  Nope.  So unless you are actually enjoing being angry, and who knows, maybe you are, then at some point you will realize how pointless it is, how damaging it is to your emotional and physical health, and how it is going to be a roadblock to a happy life.  Nobody is keeping you angry except you and nobody is going to be able to stop you from being angry but you too.

daisyb
wrote on September 20 2009 @ 09:56 pm: [report]

@draymond: Please step off the soapbox now. Experiencing emotion is a universal part of the human experience—including anger—and no one can tell another person they way they feel is wrong or invalid.

draymond
wrote on September 20 2009 @ 10:53 pm: [report]

@daisyb: I never said her emotions were wrong or invalid.  What was the title of the article?  “When Will I Stop Being Angry”.  The author frankly admits that this anger is being a poison on her psyche.  The answer is that there is no external force keeping her angry. When she makes the choice to stop being angry she will.  And that decision will come when she really decides to dislike what anger does to her.  That is not necessarily an easy thing to do.  Anger releases adrenaline so intellectually she may be saying how distructive it is her subconscious may be saying ‘woah, major head rush!’.

KMc21
wrote on September 28 2009 @ 09:14 am: [report]

I really appreciate this article as well as everyone’s insight on the matter. I found it through a random google search and I’ve really found some great advice. It helps to hear what completely objective people think of a situation other than just getting advice from friends and family who have no choice but to be biased. My situation is tough because I was the one who was broken up with. I don’t feel that what I did warranted that. To top it off, he is gone all the way across the country and won’t be back until near New Years. Which ironically would’ve been our 1 year. lol. Once again, I really appreciate the insight.