When Snooping Gets Out Of Control

Posted by: YourTango.com Filed in: relationships
10:00AM, Saturday November 21st 2009

Comments (10)

He’s done it before: left me alone in his apartment. But I haven’t done this—until now. It’s not as if these boxes haven’t always been filled with photographs; it’s not as if these leather notebooks weren’t always filled with his handwriting; it’s not as if the evidence hasn’t been lying around, out in the open, just begging for a little attention. But today the itch to explore is a little too itchy, and I guess our love is a little too, uh, lovely—so I’m not even waiting for him to leave.

Soon, my heart is racing.

I can feel my neck pulsing, blood rushing to my face. I’m frozen, but not numb. I try to forget what I just saw and what I now know. But I’m shaking, and my limbs feel stiff and weighted. My feet are glued to the floor, my body to the chair. The secrets I’ve unleashed knock against my insides. Read more ...

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Tags: dating, your tango, spying

Comments (10)

comments

meredith806
wrote on November 21 2009 @ 05:52 pm: [report]

I don’t get why people snoop. You’ll usually just end up upsetting yourself about past things that are not even relevant to the present. Once you get to a point in a relationship you should be able to just ask about things, and then trust that they are telling you the truth.

I think people (and not to be sexist, but women especially) are so paranoid in relationships that they can create problems that are not even there. Granted sometimes there is a legitimate problem, but that will usually show itself without any snooping involved.

dizzy
wrote on November 21 2009 @ 08:32 pm: [report]

Completely agree with meredith. If you are snooping, the relationship is already over, or maybe never began. If you don’t have trust you don’t have anything.

Yodar Critch
wrote on November 22 2009 @ 07:29 am: [report]

Question

Assume that you are completely honourable in your relationship.

You catch your partner snooping as described in the article.

What sort of effect would this have on your relationship?

My answer? Being a honourable gentleman, if my partner started snooping, as described in the article, I think it would have a negative effect on the relationship.

Not saying that I would end the relationship just for that purpose, but my partner’s snooping will inject that cancerous seed that could grow to destroy the relationship.

Anyone else feel the same way?

Drea
wrote on November 22 2009 @ 09:45 am: [report]

you really do deserve what you find (and then the consequences) when snooping.

in my case it got me out of a failing relationship before the bastard could do any more damage.

Likesuchas
wrote on November 22 2009 @ 11:45 am: [report]

I admit to being a snooper. And I’ve found things that were vaguely upsetting (but not relevant to the present, and I got over it quickly) and very upsetting (relevant to the present). But I don’t regret snooping. I’d probably regret it if I got caught in the act, though (I’m just not dumb enough to snoop when the one whose house I’m snooping at is home . . . that was spectacularly dumb of the author of the article).

On the other hand, I’m not sure how I’d feel if I caught my boyfriend in the act of snooping on me (we live together anyway), but even if he snooped through everything I owned, all my e-mail accounts . . . EVERYTHING, he might find some things relating to past relationships that would make him feel jealous, but nothing that I’m afraid for him to learn. I have no secrets (well, no secrets that I have evidence of).

draymond
wrote on November 22 2009 @ 02:28 pm: [report]

The only person in the whole article who seems to have an ounce of perspective is the guy’s father. Yea Dads!

The girl seems completely oblivious to even considering the fact that what she did might actually be terribly wrong. She spends no effort trying to empathize with his feelings. She gets dismissive his using words like repsect and privacy rather to avoid admitting that respect and privacy are core principles in a relationship. And then five pages in she admits that this wasn’t the first occasion of her snooping to find ‘secrets’ and only is willing to recognize it because his dad brought it up. (Yea Dads!)

And what is she seemingly most upset about? That he thinks she isn’t a great writer! Wow, considering the lack of insight and empathy in this piece I second the motion.

But almost as dumb is the guy who appears willing to undergo make-up gestures (flowers, dinner, etc) when she still appears to be oblivious and unapologetic about the hurt her snooping is causing. He didn’t seem to get the message his dad was trying to tell him (Yea Dads!) That he is either going to have to completely give up any expectation of privacy and persume that she is seeing everything or get her out of his life.

Jessie's Girl
wrote on November 22 2009 @ 10:29 pm: [report]

I was dating this guy for about 5 months and things felt like they were moving along real nice. We saw each other a lot, very compatiable and the sex was pretty good.

Well one day he was at my house while I wasn’t home and asked if he could use my computer to check emails - of course I said. Later that day, when I went to my computer, the browser was at the Facebook login page and his username was still up. I only found this unusual because on more than one occasion he’d said he rarely used FB, thought it was juvenile, etc. In that exact moment, I figured out his password not even sure how but I did) and got into his page and sure enough, the whole time we’d been together he would go on FB’s dating applications and strike up very flirtatious conversations with women from everywhere. He was practically right in front me as I was discovering all of this, without a clue as to what I was doing.

So what did I do next? I broke into his email - cause it had the same username and password - and sure enough he had just signed up for a dating website. WTF?!?!?!

So I waited a couple of days to process it all and told him that “a friend” had seen his dating profile and told me about it. Long story short, it didn’t last much longer after that. I broke up with him over it and then we briefly got back together. During this time I continued to obsessively check his email, FB, phone and I just kept on finding little bits and pieces that did feel good or make sence or help me believe that he wanted to be with me like he kept on saying. So I broke up with him for good. I just knew I could’t trust him and after a while I just didn’t have the energy to pretend that I could.

Such is life.

sic.itur.ad.astra
wrote on November 23 2009 @ 11:33 am: [report]

While I think it’s wrong to break into people’s email/facebook accounts (which I have done before, btw), I think that reading someone’s journal is a whole different beast. Usually, when someone is snooping in things like emails, they already feel something is wrong, they’re just looking for proof. But looking in journals is violating in a whole different way. You’re inviting yourself into someone else’s private thoughts. That’s something I don’t think anyone has a right to.

I have a friend that has kept a journal since the 8th grade. She has 100s of notebooks, and keeps every one. I actually used to store them for her because her mom would read them. Once, as an adult, she caught a boyfriend reading a journal and he got upset about something he found. She has been cheated on and lied to, but she thought this was the worst betrayal possible, and dumped the guy immediately. It’s one thing to look through text messages, it’s quite another to read a journal. That would be hard for me to forgive.

cooldad
wrote on November 23 2009 @ 01:08 pm: [report]

Rather than snoop, why not just ask?

btw, I think flirting, whether in person or on a dating website, is a perfectly healthy outlet