When Does A Couple Become A Family?
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Thursday May 21st 2009
My grandparents are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary this summer with a big party of family and long-time friends. I’ll be flying to St. Louis with my fiancé, my sister’s flying in from Austin, and my parents will be visiting from their home in Germany. It’ll be as much a family reunion as a celebration of my grandparents’ long marriage — a testament, really, to the bonds they’ve helped create and nurture over the last six decades. As a gift, one of my aunts wants to make a family tree, which seems like a nice enough idea. But when another family member alerted me that my fiancé won’t be included on the tree because our wedding isn’t until several weeks after my grandparents’ anniversary, it got me thinking: when does a couple become a “family”?
In an era when so many couples live together before they marry — or never marry at all — is a marriage license the main indicator that a couple is fully committed? In a time when so many marriages end in divorce, why does legality play such a big role in the structure of a family? My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years and have lived together for over half that time. I’ve been in his life longer than his niece and nephew, and we’ve supported each other through at least a couple fairly serious familial hurdles. Even before we were engaged, he felt like family to me, but especially now that I’m wearing a ring and we’re planning a wedding, it already seems like a “done deal.” If we broke up at this point, I imagine it’d feel as much like a divorce as if we’d signed papers declaring it so.
For the record, I’m not that upset my fiancé won’t be included on the tree. It seems a tad insensitive, sure, but I’ve learned in my family, as I’m sure is the case for most families, that it’s important to pick one’s battles, and this one isn’t really worth fighting. But the truth is, Drew is as much family to me as the people I’ve been related to since I was born. Sure, a license and wedding will make it “official” to everyone who needs it to be official — the government, my family, etc. — but to me, in my heart, we’ve been a family since I packed up my stuff — and my two cats — in Chicago and moved across the country to be with him. To me, the license has everything to do with legal protection and benefits and nothing to do with emotion, while the wedding is a celebration of the bond we’ve already created. But I guess for some people the only bonds that matter are the legal kind.
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EarthGoddess
wrote on May 21 2009 @ 10:18 am: [report]
I think family forms in the heart. If Drew’s family to you, then he IS family. It’s along the same lines as a good girlfriend that evolves into a sister, or a good guy friend who you love like a brother. (I’m an only child, so my close friends are my chosen siblings.) Like you said, you moved from Chicago to NYC to be with the man ... that says something!
I think that once you reach adulthood and are beyond the whims you have as hormone ravaged teenager, and form a long-term relationship where it is known you plan to be with that person forever, then they are family. Once relatives expect that person to accompany you to all family events, they are family. The family tree thing is insensitive, IMHO, but I know some of the older generation may feel differently. Maybe you can have one made for your home with the 2 of you on it, as well as both of your relatives, as a wedding gift to Drew? Just a thought ...
Emi
wrote on May 21 2009 @ 10:20 am: [report]
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We want to get married, but we have other things to worry about first. I already consider him and our adopted cats a family. haha
reebsdc
wrote on May 21 2009 @ 10:35 am: [report]
this is a really beautiful and thoughtful post. thanks wendy!
Jamie Lee
wrote on May 21 2009 @ 10:42 am: [report]
yeah there is definitely a family you are born with, then later in life a family you choose, IE spouse and friends. I have many friends who I am much closer with than my family members, and I feel like my boyfriend and I and our respective kids are becoming quite like a family unit, and we aren’t getting married anytime soon. I think once you have made the commitment to spend a life together (engagement) you are most definitely a family.
If you guys got an invitation lets say, to a friends wedding…wouldn’t it be addressed to both of you as a couple, and not to each of you individually…thats the definition of family LOL KIDDING!
Cherubina
wrote on May 21 2009 @ 11:40 am: [report]
My boyfriend and I have been together going on two years, and I definitely consider him family. I think my parents, grandparents and the rest of my family consider him family “one of us” as well. We’ve lived together for just over a year now and have been through our own ups and downs but have yet to get engaged. We plan on it, though.
For the record, I also moved from a small town in Upstate New York right after graduating college to Boston to be with him. When he was talking about getting a job in California, I was more than ready to pack up my life and move all the way across the country with him.
Lynn
wrote on May 21 2009 @ 02:25 pm: [report]
Hmmm. Obviously YOU consider him to be your family, but I wouldn’t blame your family for not putting him on the tree if you weren’t engaged, or even newly engaged. After all, he’s your family in your heart but not “officially.” However, if your wedding is seriously just weeks after, I don’t understand why they won’t just “chance” it and put him on. I mean, worst case scenario, you guys wouldn’t end up getting married and they would have to - GASP - get another family tree made.
joyy
wrote on May 21 2009 @ 02:52 pm: [report]
When does a couple become a family? short answer: when they get a pet!
Family is totally what you make of it. The only family members I ever really talk to/actually like are my mom and my brother. I count them, my bf, our (ok, his) dog, and my friends, both local and scattered across the country as my family.
My bf has helped me get through as much stuff or more than most family members have, and he’s way nicer to me than a lot of my family too (mom & bro excluded, they rock). He’s also met most of my family (my mom is one of seven kids, so he hasn’t met *everyone*), and I too packed up after college and moved across the country to be with him.
I planned on moving west anyways, but it definitely happened faster because of the bf. We’re not marriage types, but after over three years of dating, we’re planning to build a little place in a few years on some land I own, and we’re as stable (if not more so) than most married couples we know.
retro chic
wrote on May 22 2009 @ 09:22 am: [report]
Wendy, That’s like being seated at the kids’ table at Thanksgiving—juvie or old-fashioned. It’s ignorance, and unfortunately, families don’t automatically think, “hm, I wonder if the rules have changed—I don’t want to offend so-and-so.” It will be up to you to enlighten them and lobby for equal billing.
BTW, what’s this family tree made of? (cloth, paint, computer print out, etc)...
og217
wrote on May 22 2009 @ 11:31 am: [report]
I don’t think it’s “ignorance” to consider only related persons family. YOU may consider whoever you want your family, and then if your imemdiate family wants to consider a boyfriend / girlfriend / fiance family, they can too, but for most “extended family” purposes, like a family tree, it does have to do with marriage. That is sort of the point of a family tree - to see who married whom and produced whom, isn’t it? I agree that the consept is a bit antequated given our world, but that is what a family tree is. There is a standard format of it, I actually had a class in this. It is annoying, but it is what it is. And the writer is right - it’s important to keep things in perspective. That family tree was made by someone for THEIR own reasons and motivations. That’s all. You can just make your own.
retro chic
wrote on May 22 2009 @ 12:03 pm: [report]
og217, not that it’s worth it… “I don’t think it’s “ignorance” to consider only related persons family.” Those are your words. My ref: Reread “... unfortunately, families don’t automatically think, “hm, I wonder if the rules have changed—I don’t want to offend so-and-so.” IE, the oblivious nature that most families operate under when it comes to perpetuating certain traditions without thinking of the all the family’s current circumstances. *That’s all.*
og217
wrote on May 22 2009 @ 05:46 pm: [report]
The family tree is a diagram. Its like a map. You can’t change coordinates because someone is offended to be placed in a “bad” region.” I don’t want my husband’s ex wife on a family tree, but if we were to make one, she’d be on it - tough noogies for me. If you want to make a “dating tree” or whatnot, no one is stopping you. But the maker of the family tree in question made a good, old-fashioned family tree that is 100% accurate as of the date that it is made. It’s not “perpetuating certain traditions” to not include fiances, boyfriends, roommates, and hook ups on a factual representation of family progression. Could she have made a dotted line to include the fiance, with the wedding date? yes. Was it strictly wrong? No. was the purpose of the quilt to appease the niece? no, it was a gift to a grandma.
og217
wrote on May 22 2009 @ 05:48 pm: [report]
You know, that lady may have started sewing the thing from thr bottom up? Maybe she couldn’t include the fiance? Maybe she’ll add him on after the wedding, because engagements do break up and she didn’t want to ruin her quilt and embarass everyone if she made it in advance and the couple split? I think when in doubt, do the least offensive. This was the least offensive - think of the awkward silence as the granny was presented with a quilt with the name of the guy who stood up her granddaughter, or something?
loveitlala
wrote on May 22 2009 @ 10:07 pm: [report]
I’ve always felt my long-term boyfriends were like family and told them so… until we broke up. I’d say wedding. There are still some people on this earth who hold a marriage as a permanent bond before god and family. Anything can happen before the wedidng, but after the wedding there should be almost nothing in question from both parties. There are no divorces in my family or group of friends or my boyfriends family etc so you can see why I hold this view.
hereshestands
wrote on May 24 2009 @ 04:32 am: [report]
All I can say is grand parents will be grand parents.
sparklestar
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 11:57 am: [report]
I knew that I had my own “family” when my boyfriend insisted on accompanying me to my grandfather’s bedside as he was in the hospital suffering from cancer. The whole situation was so sudden but my boyfriend was with me the whole time and didn’t complain at all about anything. He willingly drove the 100 or so miles to and from the hospital with me and was thoroughly supportive throughout. He went to the funeral with me and was 100% there for me throughout. My parents knew that I was in good care, and that was when I knew I had found the man I am going to marry and have a family with.
You can /tell/ if somebody is going to be there for the long haul or not. If there is even the slightest inkling that the person won’t be then you *know* it somewhere deep inside. The break-up might not happen immediately, it might even take several years, but you know it’s coming and in those circumstances your family will also have picked up on this.
Your aunt has taken the least offensive route. If my family left off my boyfriend then I would be offended but I know that he wouldn’t. To the rest of the family having that marriage certificate means that he had the balls to take their baby daughter down the aisle and make a commitment to her. In their eyes marriage is for life (see: your grandparents) even though we know how much of a throwaway it has been turned into in this modern age.
So, move your wedding or accept that he’ll be on any future ones…
1234
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 02:31 pm: [report]
So what if you and your boyfriend had a child? Would your family leave your child off the family tree because s/he was “born out of wedlock”? After being in a 12 year relationship (10 years of living together) with my boyfriend I have been harassed by many friends and family members with marriage talks. Why should I be forced into religious ceremony that I don’t believe in in order to have the same rights as married couples? Very few states even recognize common-law so in order to get the same rights, you must marry. I must say, at least I do have the option to get married. I feel for those same sex couples who don’t even have the option to get married.
Lynn
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 02:47 pm: [report]
@1234 - really, it’s not a religious ceremony unless you want it to be. You and your BF can skip down to the courthouse before dinner one day if you really want all those same rights.
joyy
wrote on June 16 2009 @ 02:51 pm: [report]
@1234 - Lynn is right, and if you don’t want to do that, there are a bunch of legal options you can choose to give each other some of those rights, like medical power of attorney, mental health power of attorney, advance directives, trusts/wills, HIPPA waivers, etc.