New Favorite Blog: Emails From Crazy People
Posted by: Ami Angelowicz
Filed in:
entertainment
8:20AM, Tuesday August 18th 2009
Do you save the crazy emails you receive? Umm ... I have an entire arsenal of them. About six years ago, I started a file in my inbox labeled “INSANE” and I have been growing my collection ever since. Nothing cheers me up like reading an insane email thread. Truly. That’s why this new blog, Emails From Crazy People, is helping me laugh my way through the dog days of summer. The site features the kind of insanity that only email can capture—like those crazy emails from the GF while her BF was in Europe. After the jump, two of my favorite crazytown emails from the site plus two rare gems from my own personal collection. You’re welcome.
After 20 years of no contact, one day Sean opens his email to find this from a former classmate. What ever happened to sending a cover letter and resume?
Things aren’t going that good. There is a black homosexual stalking me named Larry B. He has threatened to kill me if I don’t sleep with him.
I’m not homosexual. As a matter of fact, I talked to a few people who told me that he has stalked people in the past. He has killed people. Because of him I had to quit my job at xxxxx. I filed a claim with the Equal Opportunity Employment Commission against xxxxx for negligent hiring. The response from the EEOC was “Well, we talked to xxxxx, they said you can have your job there again.” I don’t think so. Why would I want to work at a job with somebody who threatened to kill me? The EEOC is useless.
I got a job at xxxx here in xxxx. Larry B and the District Manager got me fired from that job. He broke into my grandmother’s house where I’m staying. I filed a police report. I was told that they couldn’t do anything unless they caught him breaking in.
Are there any jobs where you live? Is there a possibility that I could stay with you for a little while? I really need to leave xxxxx to get away from this black homosexual.
This thread about an eBay auction seems harmless enough ... but read on, my friends, to learn MD’s smelly little secret. But wait? Why was someone auctioning off old socks in the first place? That’s almost crazier.
From: J— G
Date: Sun, 23 Nov 2003 18:32:11 -0500
To: M D—-
Subject: Auction
eBay cancelled my auction. Just curious, why did you want my old socks?From: mdoyle
Date: Mon, Nov 24, 2003 at 8:28 AM
Subject: RE: Auction
To: J— G
Hello again J—,
thanks for getting back to me re your auction…..and sorry to hear that ebay cancelled it!!!!
I wanted your old sweaty smelly socks cos i have a foot and sock fetish…..sweaty socks really turn me on (i’m a slave to them)……and the
sweatier and smellier they are…..the better!!!! So if you still want to sell them i’d definitely be interested!!!
I’ve bought other socks from the USA before and they usually charge about $7.00 for postage and packing……if i were to offer you $5.00 for the
socks…..i could make you a payment via PAYPAL for a total of $12.00…..
would this be acceptable????
This one from a former co-worker who I referred to as CCB (Crazy Cookoo Bananas). She was hired because she was in a new age cult with one of the company owners. When she arrived to the first day of work, she revealed that she didn’t know how to use a computer or do math. One day, I sent an email to check in and this is the response I received.
It has taken me a few months to understand certain aspects of this job. There are certain things that I just haven’t taken care of in a long time and that part of my brain needed some adjustment time. Forgive me—it’s not my genius!
Personally, I have a lot on my mind. Roommate sent me an e-mail this morning. She’s been really distant lately which is not unusual—she’s an introvert when left on her own. But she’s decided that she needs to live on her own and really set up her career(totally understand)—but she’s moving out June 1. I, frankly, don’t have the money to be moving right now. I’m barely going to be making things work as it is but I’m sure it will all work out. That’s what my guru says. And in spite of doing Yoga and meditation sessions every day, I am having a “fat day”. I’m not saying I feel like I’m fat, I just call it having a “fat” day when I don’t feel spiritually vibrant and full of life…probably just need sleep and a run. I have my period too which is never fun.Light and Love!
This special gem is from a guy I went on ONE date with. Hmm ... wonder why it didn’t work out between us?
Hey there—You havin’ a super cool weekend? I’m not—because I’m at work ... anyway, I wanted you to know that I think I jumped the gun a little on Thursday night; got wrapped up in the moment (passion). I found some trouble during this last week, and I need to do some life-work to get back on track.
I guess I’m kind of a moody guy sometimes, but my therapist says it’s more that certain things need to be in line for me to relax and embrace a good thing—Otherwise it’s all tainted by my mind not being with it or straight ... My mind is focused on so many things—so much to worry about all the time. Basically, as s**tty as it sounds, you can hang around and see if I can get my s**t together and find you, or you can bail on me (as if you didn’t know those were the choices)—I just have a new thing about being fair, honest, up-front with this stuff (we’re getting old). And our first date, although very steamy, was almost overload for me, made me wanna take some time—welcome to honesty—gotta get back to work now
Do you have any good crazy emails to share?
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
writergirl
wrote on August 18 2009 @ 07:34 am: [report]
These are good.
I have INsane Emails I save too. It is in the folder entitled “Family”.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 18 2009 @ 07:37 am: [report]
Sorry Frisky, but this one is better.
http://www.dontevenreply.com/index.php?
n75nva
wrote on August 18 2009 @ 07:59 am: [report]
I had a woman email me thinking I was her long lost lover Carl. She poured her heart out in the email so I couldn’t ignore it. I sent her a nice reply saying that she had the wrong email address, that I am a woman who doesn’t live in the US. She didn’t believe me! She started sending more emails and forwards. Again I told her that she was mistaken. Then she started getting mean! Really nasty! I again tried to reason with her and I sent her a facebook message (I looked up her email on it) to show her that I was indeed not a man. She believed me then. However about a month later she emailed me again and insisted that I was Carl.
She left me alone after I told her that it was harrassment and that if she continued I would look into my legal options.
I know I could have just ignored her but to be honest it was fun reading her crazy rants!
Perceptible
wrote on August 18 2009 @ 09:10 am: [report]
@CheeeeEEEEse… ROFLOL!!! That might be my new favorite site! Thanks!
P.S. What happened to the old Linux penguin avatar?
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 18 2009 @ 09:12 am: [report]
@Perceptible: You’re welcome.
P.S. I needed a change. Now I gots some censored nudie cheese.
amorsalado
wrote on August 18 2009 @ 10:12 am: [report]
Ohh me me! I wanna play. These are all excerpts from emails that came AFTER I broke up with the man I was living with and FLED to an entirely different state.
This came a year and a half after I left:
“You are truly an awesome woman, Lxxxx. And I meant it when I said that I would search the other realms from top to bottom to find the root of your soul; then figure out how to send encouraging, gentle breezes your way. And I know you’ll know, when you feel one.
And by the same token, if/when I find you slacking, I’ll discover the portal to your dreams; and enter unannounced; and rock your world this way and that, until you finally accept the totality of your own inner goodness.”
“There has not been one single day since that very first night, that I have not thought about you in one way or another. Not one single day.
I think the ancient physicians understood, in some fundamental way, much more than their modern counterparts. They understood that it really is possible to die of a broken heart. Something broke inside of me the day you left. I even said that to Dr. Jxxxx. Something deep inside of me just broke; and it never mended. Or maybe, in truth, something had been broken inside of me all along; and the illusion that blocked me from realizing how broken it really was is what actually shattered after you left. Or maybe it was a combination of both.”
THREE years after I left, he sent me an email and told me that he was going to kill himself and asked me if I wanted to take his cat. Instead of ignoring him, as I had been doing, I got engaged in a conversation. I mean, I had loved him once, and he’s just threatened SUICIDE. I got these gems in return:
“But the problems are only related to me; I’m the one who is broken/#&@$% up; and I’ve been broken/#&@$% up for a long long time. I was broken long before I met you; my entire life has been broken Lxxxx; and to a certain extent, I believe that everyone’s life is broken as well. I believe that I am a broken person agonizing in a broken world. And I’m tired, babe. I’m just tired of fighting and fighting and re-arriving back at that same conclusion: that this is simply a #&@$% up, broken world, of which I have been an all-too willing, active participant.
If anything, what our relationship demonstrated to me is just how broken and #&@$% up I really am. It’s an odd sort of paradox - it showed me Heaven and Eternity - and at the same time, it showed me how totally #&@$% up I am. I am indebted to you for helping me to see Heaven and Eternity; and I most sincerely seek your forgiveness for all the ways in why my “#&@$%-up-ness” hurt you.
I trust that you understand that this is in no way any sort of “lover’s leap” kind of deal. What our relationship showed me is how off I am. My current decision has absolutely nothing to do with you. There is absolutely nothing that you could/should/would have done that would have made any difference.”
So I did what most sane people would do. I called the police where he was living, told them the whole story, gave them his address, and requested they do a well check.
A few days later, this:
“How does Karma work? Cat + Genuine Gift Offering + Ultimate Secret Truth Revelation = 0 (zero) Direct Personal Response + 2 Police Officers. Karma works as follows: You look at one side of an equation, then you look at the other side of the equation. If both sides are balanced, the Karma is balanced and resolved. If both sides are not balanced, life presents events to provide the necessary balancing until both sides are genuinely resolved. You can (and undoubtedly will) delete this post. You cannot, however, resolve or balance the Karma merely by deleting the post.”
Then my current boyfriend jumped in and told him to go away and leave me alone. That set him off. He sent me the exact same I hate you you are terrible but oh my god I really love you email every single day for two weeks. Then he sent it from what he claimed was his girlfriend’s address, because clearly my current boyfriend was blocking his address since I’d NEVER just ignore him.
Then the threats started coming. It was insane. He quit his job and devoted his life to stalking me. I had police patrolling my neighborhood 24/7 for months. I also had a restraining order and that’s not easy to get when you live in Florida and he lives in Maryland. The officers truly felt that he was a danger to my physical safety, especially after he quit his job and was able to travel.
We finally moved again. To another state. New address, new phone number, new email address, and new last name. I’m afraid he’s still out there though, and someday he’ll find me.
Humble Bee
wrote on August 18 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]
@amorsalado, wow. That dude was really nuts.
I have a crazy ex, he called me and just talked all the sh*t about me and basically went off on me, then he sends me this email
“this is not a plea or anything.. i had a couple a days to really think about it and i just realized it.. where do i begin…. i wanna apologize to u. im in this position because i let it get to this… if i was handling my business i wouldn’t be where im at… blaming you… im sorry if i ever made you feel like u were second best, if i ever made you feel like u werent who u are…. for not appreciate u… they say u never know what you have until you lose it. now i gotta live with this every day,and no im not wanting any pitty…this is the real me..old thoughts often tackle my emotions and leave me paralyzed momentarily. does anyone know what it feels like to be stuck mentally for days on end? depressing thoughts are the invisible weight that no one likes to carry but at times its inevitable. i personally believe that ive been aiming too low. i believe i will overcome this .. this is just another hurdle that ive been thrown at.. but no worries i just really wanted to apologize..for someone so important like you.. i hope u read this .”
WHAT AN IDIOT. I don’t even think he wrote this, because he doesn’t know how to spell for sh*t.
bogart4017
wrote on August 18 2009 @ 12:01 pm: [report]
Some people should really stick to voice mail!
*sam*
wrote on August 18 2009 @ 12:23 pm: [report]
@amorsolado: WOW. that first email sounds like he’d been playing WoW for a *bit* too long!!!—it made me giggle
as far as crazy emails… the only one I got was actually a myspace message. I didn’t save it when I deleted my account, but now I’m thinking that maybe I should have. at any rate, I got a random message from an ex asking me how I was doing. after exchanging a few messages, he blatantly asked how my lady bits were doing. you see, this was the ex that cheated on me and gave me HPV, so his seemingly random and good-natured ‘hey, how are you? it’s been a while..” message was really just a ploy to see if I had warts or cancer and if there’s anything he should be worried about. and when I responded that the condition of my vagina was no longer any of his concern, he told me that so long as (and here’s the shocker) I had given HIM and incurable STD, that it was my duty to keep him informed whenever I went to the doctor.—yeah, b/c I was the one that cheated while on my ‘just for me get away’ vacation in Vegas. long story short, I finally blocked him from contacting me after I told him that not only did I not have any responsibility to keep him informed on my situation, but that if he really wanted to learn more a/b the virus he contracted from that Vegas skank, that maybe he should start f*cking a gynecologist. oh, and that if it miraculously turned into AIDS I’d let him know.
..f*cking #&@$%.
rod994
wrote on August 25 2009 @ 09:34 pm: [report]
The morning after the (first) night before…and I get these texts:
12pm “Hi. I’ve been keeping an eye out for that florist all morning - he must be finding it difficult to source those exotic orchids you ordered. Better make it simpler next time - honestly roses are fine. Lol.”
12.30pm I txt back “ru at work or home?” - she text back “work”. I ordered 12 columbian roses to go to her home.
3pm text “Gosh. They must be flying the orchids in from Singapore…. Or perhaps they are trying to genetically engineer them..”
7.00pm txt “Just when I thought you must have given the florist the wrong address, I’ve come home to see the most stunning long stemmed roses I have ever seen! They are beautiful. Thank you. Where did you get such a romantic idea? LOL loved the note too. I’m sure there are more happy times ahead. Have a great night x”