What’s It Like…Being In An Interracial Marriage?
Posted by: Robyn Preston-McGee
Filed in:
relationships
9:00AM, Tuesday September 30th 2008
I am white. My husband is black. Our daughter is…well…she’s like that great flavor of “World Class Chocolate” at Baskin-Robbins, which is a sweet, delectable combination of white and dark chocolate, blended to perfection. When the grocery store checker, or the dentist, or our insurance salesman, or the shoe store clerk, or one of my college students who sees her picture in my office asks where she gets her curly hair or if she’s “mixed,” I usually reply, “Yes, she’s biracial,” (for I’ve always thought “mixed” to be used only for dogs and cocktails). I answer this question three or four times a day and often wonder if I should just stick a sign on her that reads “Yes, my father is black.”
I would like to say that I had a witty comeback for him, that I embarrassed him for his racist comment. After all, my husband and I have been married almost ten years. I should be more prepared. Instead, all I could offer was some weak analysis of our beloved Chiefs’ offensive line.
The journey to my interracial family has been both horrifying and humorous. One thing I’m sure of is that opposition to my modern marriage is nothing like the venom I faced as a dating teenager in rural Oklahoma. I had a few boyfriends (one of them Latino, another Spanish and French), but only the “Black” one resulted in humiliation and, in one instance, physical violence. The townsfolk whispered, some friends abandoned me, and my father disowned me.
When I moved to Mississippi for graduate school and began dating my husband, I expected to find the same kind of rejection. Some of it was still there. We found “For Rent” houses to be suspiciously already rented when we arrived for a tour. Every now and then, someone would tell us to “stick to your own kind,” followed by the obligatory tobacco-spit. But generally speaking, we got by without incident.
When my husband and I finally decided to take the plunge after dating for four years, we eloped. I think deep down we were worried about the “if anyone here can show just cause” part. My father’s side of the family was horrified, my mother’s tolerant, but not overjoyed. When my grandmother showed our wedding photo to a family member, they asked, “What nationality is he?” Perhaps they were hoping she would respond with the more exotic-sounding “Nigerian” or “Haitian.” Nope. Just plain ol’ African-American.
When my husband and I moved to Missouri, I wasn’t sure what to expect. We live in a suburb of Kansas City, and while I have the great fortune to work among some very warm, open-minded colleagues, my experiences in middle-America suburbia have not always been positive. I’ve become keenly aware that as a white person, other white people feel perfectly comfortable revealing their prejudices to me, unaware of my family situation. Not long ago, a new neighbor moved in across the street. My husband was away, and, being the good neighbor I am, I went to greet him.
As we talked, I asked what prompted his move to our neighborhood. “Well,” he replied, “there just got to be too many blacks on our block and we figured it was time to get out.”
My reply? “Well, er, um….how ‘bout those Chiefs!” I would like to say that I had a witty comeback for him, that I embarrassed him for his racist comment. After all, my husband and I have been married almost ten years. I should be more prepared. Instead, all I could offer was some weak analysis of our beloved Chiefs’ offensive line.
My silence, however, made “the reveal” that much sweeter. Imagine the look of astonishment on my neighbor’s face the next day when my husband and I drove by, smiling and waving. The rebellious side of me was thinking about that sweet revenge, but the Oklahoma teenager in me was afraid of the fallout.
Fortunately, the only fallout was in the form of an awkward apology to me (not my husband) from that neighbor. In fact, he’s become somewhat of a friend and we’ve managed to bridge whatever gaps he thought existed in his old neighborhood. But I can’t offer the same happy ending when it comes to my family. My marriage and the subsequent birth of my daughter solidified my father’s “disownership” of me.
All of this is not to whine about the opposition I’ve faced for marrying the person I married. It’s nothing compared to the discrimination racial minorities face everyday in America. But when my white students, for example, joyously remark that “racism is a thing of the past,” I ask them to consider how their own parents would react if they brought home a black person to marry. A flash of awareness comes across their faces…and I already know their answer.
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Ash
wrote on September 30 2008 @ 10:20 am: [report]
That was interesting to share, thanks for that. I myself am a black female in an interracial relationship. We havent really had any real incidents of prejudice against us, but I always feel like I should be prepared, especially living in texas lol. It is a shame that racism is still around today (its just not as out in the open now imo). It shouldnt matter who youre with as long as youre both happy.
HereComestheSunQ
wrote on September 30 2008 @ 11:52 am: [report]
My mom is white and my father is black. Her dad also disowned her, and because of that, I never got to meet my grandparents until after his death. Now I visit my mom’s side of the family every year. A year ago for my high school graduation I got a letter from his brother saying that when he was diagnosed with cancer he said he only wished he had enough time to visit my mom and to see me… my mom and I started bawling. I wish I had gotten to see him, my mom said he would’ve loved me (he loved little girls, he had three and hated little boys!) but all I can say is try to reach out to your father. My mom didn’t and I know that’s her biggest regret.
sweeper
wrote on September 30 2008 @ 05:04 pm: [report]
To me inter-racial marriage is a non issue. The world has enough challenges without looking for more.
I’m the offspring of an Asian European marriage. My wife is purely Mexican. We are rated on our own merits—good or bad. Neither of us hang on the supports that society seems obligated to build for minorities. Unfortunately, those supports, those crutches, are flags that tell everyone that minorities need them.
And if I encounter racism, it isn’t my problem. But, it seems, I don’t look for it and it does not find me. No one has kept me away from my success or that of my wife.
Inter-racial marriage is not a big deal for those who don’t make it a big deal. The big deal is that that marriage or any marriage is based on love, hard work, respect and lasts forever. Anyone can get married these days. It’s not the color of the two involved that should mean much. It’s the decades of togetherness that do. We can learn a lot from couples of same or mixed races who have managed like this.
Simosa
wrote on September 30 2008 @ 09:40 pm: [report]
Great post. I live in NYC but grew up in the Southwest for this very reason. Those of us living in progressive cities forget that here still many place in America where interracial dating would be something only whispered about…“Have you heard about Connie’s boyfriend? (in a whisper) He’s black.”
It gets better every day but we still have a ways to go.
lilo
wrote on October 1 2008 @ 07:18 am: [report]
One of my friends—a male in a gay couple—had a similar incident to the one above. When he answered the door after first moving into their new house, a neighbor made some remark to him regarding gays in the neighborhood. My friend’s response: “Well, I look forward to you meeting my partner Tim.” This is in Atlanta, which has a huge and highly visible gay population. My sense is that bigots like these—whether in big or small cities, southern or northern—probe for other people to be bigoted like them. The best resort is to shut them down, no matter whether you appear “like them” or not (the same race, sexual preference, whatever).
Glam
wrote on October 1 2008 @ 12:02 pm: [report]
It’s rather naive to think that just because you live in a “progressive city” like NYC that interracial dating isn’t an issue. It may not be whispered about, but it is nonetheless an issue for many people. And newsflash, New York isn’t as progressive as you think. We’re just more covert about our biases. I’d rather someone that is upfront about their beliefs or prejudices than someone that is politely PC in public.
Cinsational
wrote on October 2 2008 @ 03:47 pm: [report]
that was interesting. I wonder is your daughter prepared for the hard ships she will face as well
getreal
wrote on October 2 2008 @ 05:15 pm: [report]
I’d to see folks cool it about interracial dating. America has a complex history and I’m willing to bet that more than 1/2 of the population has interracial DNA swimming in their blood. Where it become complicated is when you incorporation the ideal of class with race. Can an interracial child recieve the benefit of the doubt and recieve the priviledges of his/her white parent? Probably not unless they were phenotypically white, and little or no black features.
Fred
wrote on October 2 2008 @ 07:27 pm: [report]
Is there a reason why every single post I see about the prejudice faced by inter-racial couples or minorities in general, has someone compare being gay to the racial issues in this country? They are not the same thing. Homosexuals have not been hanged in large numbers, seperated from their families, removed from their culture and homeland, and sold of as animals! Cut that crap out! Yes they are discriminated against. No arguement there. While I strongly disagree with their lifestyle, I am also Christian enough to know that I have no right to judge anyone for anything. Being gay and being anything other than white are two completely seperate issues. Thank you.
Miss
wrote on October 2 2008 @ 08:02 pm: [report]
Sweeper, interracial relationships are more of an issue when one of the people involved is black. Trust. Most people might not be pleased about their child marrying another race, but believe me, bring home an African-American, and it’s a whole different type of not pleased, if they are the type to have a problem. Not that it’s an issue everywhere and with everyone, but it IS still an issue, speaking from having been in a 10-year interracial marriage. Lots of people think it’s okay to be Lucy and Ricky, but not Lucy and Tyrone. And please note that I’m not whining/leaning on a crutch. Obviously it is not 1968, and things are a lot easier for interracial couples, but problems they encounter are not because they are actively looking for them. I, too, have encountered homes that were suddenly rented until we quit going to look at them together—and voila! How easy it was to rent then. And that was in middle America. Having said that, I will state again, that obviously things are a lot easier. And I have also found that most kids today that are biracial/multiethnic have absolutely no problem with it—there are so many out there anymore, and I would never raise my kids in an environment that was negative towards who they were. I have found personally that most people who say “what about the kids??” don’t actually know any multiethnic people, or they’re basing it on a movie or one person. Everybody has issues about something.
Kelly P.
wrote on October 3 2008 @ 03:22 am: [report]
I’m white (child of European immigrants) while my husband is Asian (a naturalized citizen.) Our sister-in-law (married to his brother) is a sweet and awesome African-American woman. I myself feel quite honored to have this wonderful lady as a relative-by-marriage, and my own children also love their cousins (her children), and they think nothing is “odd” about family members having a varied racial backgrounds. Thank God we can live in a place (coastal California) and time where race at least matters a lot less than it did in the ignominious past!
At this point in time, we are especially hoping that one day the world can be a similarly more comfortable place for our gay friends (either single and looking for a partner, or in devoted monogamous partnerships), especially those who are raising children of their own. (Frankly, it’s not advertised often, but there really are quite a number of conscientious gay parents out there raising children - children who *gasp! OMG!* often turn out heterosexual! - and these Real Families really deserve not to be treated as “fringe elements” and “weirdos” when, in all respects except “opposite gender of parents”, they truly represent what has historically been considered an “average American family”.)
AXE
wrote on October 3 2008 @ 06:53 am: [report]
I am the product of an interracial marriage. My mother is black and my father is white. My father’s mother never got over it and was quite horrid to my mother. My mother’s parents got over it and made the best of it. I find being so light skinned that people are always questioning my ethnicity/nationality. It’s funny (not really) that they will asked if I am everything but black. Like being considered black is a bad thing.
hardcoremama
wrote on October 3 2008 @ 10:59 am: [report]
I am a black woman married to a white man, we have 3 great kids; yet I don’t see them as a color, I simply see (insert child’s name here). Its a simple statement, yes, but a true one. I live surrounded by white people, I have 1 black friend and he’s gay and also surrounded by white people; and for what its worth it doesn’t bother us. I guess what has helped is changing MY attitude about race and coming to my own realization that the only thing that keeps racism alive and strong is society paying attention to it. As intelligent of a people we COULD be, we still manage to just focus on outward appearances and what other people will think. As a black PERSON I live with the fact that someone doesn’t like me because I am black…whatever, that’s SO NOT MY ISSUE! I could care less if some dumb jerk can’t figure out how to be their own person and LEARN to think for themselves. I choose to focus my attention on raising my children to become respectable, adaptable, disciplined, loving, self-sufficient, open minded adults; leading from my example of being a respectable, adaptable, disciplined, loving, self-sufficient, open minded adult.
Ron Dawson
wrote on October 4 2008 @ 04:17 pm: [report]
Your story reminds me of the summer of ‘87 when I (an African American) drove cross country with my buddy (who is Caucasian). We were driving from Cal Berkeley to Miami Fl in his candy-apple red BMW. Along the way we experienced all sorts of problems. It was like going back in time (our journey took us from AZ thru TX to MS GA then FL). At one gas station in TX, the attendant saw me in the car, looked at my friend who was paying for the gas, asked my friend where we were from, and when my buddy said “California,” the Texan said “Yup! It figgers.”
The piece de resistance though was our stop at a Stuckeys, in Memphis, TN after a 17 hour non-stop drive (he wouldn’t dare let me drive his precious beemer). I was relaxing in the motel room when my buddy went in to get a snack from the convenience store. He asked the clerk which was the best route to FL from here. Down through LA (to see New Orleans), or straight through GA. She told him GA. He (being a photographer) wanted to know why b/c he heard how beautiful LA was. She agreed, but told him that there weren’t too many of them damn blacks through GA. He’d like that much better. He bit his lip, came to the room, and started cracking up as he told me the story.
I said, “Oh really.” So I put on my pastel colored over coat (he and I were big “Miami Vice” fans, what can I say. And it was the 80s), and I proceeded to the store where I pretended to be a Hollywood producer scouting locations for a big college buddy movie we were filming. The clerk was very excited. I have her the business card of a real producer I had in my wallet, and told her to wait for me to come calling with my crew.
As far as I know, she’s probably still waiting in the little Stuckey’s, 21 years later, just hoping she’ll get her big shot at stardom.
hardcoremama
wrote on October 4 2008 @ 10:56 pm: [report]
its funny how the tables always turn when someone regardless of race, opens up when opportunity supposedly is knocking…great story…
Eric
wrote on October 7 2008 @ 04:56 pm: [report]
It’s gotta’ be rough… you know, being a Chiefs fan and all.
AlleyG8r
wrote on October 8 2008 @ 11:57 am: [report]
One of the more insidious forms of racism actually involves our children. Due to the ethnicity of me and my wife, our kids are Asian, Caucasian, and African-American (with a dab of Native American thrown in). Our oldest son was once told that there was going to be a special school ceremony to honor black students who had maintained a 3.0 GPA. However, our son had self-identified as Asian on his student info sheet (which did not allow you to check multiple boxes for ethnicity). Therefore, he was not allowed to participate in the ceremony even though he had a 4.0 GPA.
I’m not sure what is more offensive—the fact that my son was denied recognition just because of a spurious choice of which box to check, or the fact that the school felt that a 3.0 GPA deserves an award only if you’re black.
amy
wrote on October 9 2008 @ 12:36 pm: [report]
I have been in an interracial relationship for almost 2 years. We have never experienced outright prejudice or hostility, but I am VERY aware that our relationship doesn’t go unnoticed by others…namely his family and friends, and my family.
Although his and my immediate family is open to our relationship, I know my fam would love to see me with a successful black man and his father and brother would rather see him with a non-black female.
I have met and spent time with his entire blonde haired/blue eyed family…it was awkward but (most) of them were nice…even ones I know for a fact that have negative feelings towards blacks have been accepting of me to a certain extent.
We just got engaged last weekend…which I’m totally happy about. But I am worried about how my fiance is going to handle his family’s reaction to it. He is very very close with his fam…and I’m afraid once they learn we are getting married/get married that some of them may not want to have anything to do with him anymore…I’m expecting that to happen. But I believe if that does, we’re both the kind of people to simply say #&@$% it..have a nice life.
I agree with those that say race is only an issue for those that make it one; that’s how I am. I’ve endured being called the n-word, hate mail, being in bars that have nooses as decorations and hanging out with my boyfriend’s friends that I know don’t like blacks, have confederate flag bumper stickers and flags, and don’t even bother to acknowledge my presence. It definitely hurts to experience that… but I know better than to take it too personally and make it my problem. If they don’t like…#&@$% it. Life goes on.
Angie
wrote on October 10 2008 @ 07:58 am: [report]
I have to agree with a post I read in response to this article about interracial marriage. People don’t like to see blacks with any other race. I’m in my second interracial marriage. My first husband, who I married right out of high school, is white. We had a baby together and she has an olive complexion with fine textured wavy hair. My second marriage is to a white/native american - his mother is white, father is native american. We have two children together - both of them the same complexion as my first born. I’ve had my share of double takes, rude looks and comments. I’ve had to deal w/ being asked if my children were mine or if I was the nanny. Thankfully - our immediate family members accept our union and our family. But I remember growing up in the South - and it being acceptable to be an interracial relationship - as long as it didn’t include a black person. In my experience, if a black person chooses to be with someone other than another black person - there is a stigma. Criticism and negativity are experienced from whites and blacks. But for me - we’re the ones in the relationship. We have beautiful children who will represent America’s future generations. So as long as we’re happy and loving to each other and our family and we are strong - we could care less who it bothers. It’s their problem not to be made our own!!
koolk65
wrote on October 29 2008 @ 05:13 pm: [report]
If race is not an issue (like some of the writers feel), then why wont people vote for Barack Obama just because he IS Black? There have been articles that some whites expressed that they would not vote for Obama (even though he is the best candidate) because of someone’s color.
So, if a non-black wants to marry a Black, then that is Interracial? When it is anyone besides Black, then it is “OK” and they are interethnic.
Racism is a spiritual sickness. Plain and simple.
Will continue later.
Danalonso
wrote on March 2 2009 @ 08:27 pm: [report]
Wow what story. Sometimes when I think we as a nation have made great strides crossing the racial divide, there are still pockets of ignorance still out there.
Robyn, I really admire you. You have a beautiful family and I am glad you are inspiring others to love for the sake of love.