What Guys Really Don’t Need To Say To Naked Women
Posted by: Susannah Breslin
Filed in:
guys
8:00AM, Monday December 29th 2008
Men’s Health has a list of the “The 30 Hottest Things To Say To A Naked Woman,” but the majority of lines on the list are actually what guys should actively avoid saying to a naked woman. After the jump, what’s on the list—from the sleazy to the cheesy to the creepy to the desperate—that naked women really don’t want to hear.
1. “‘I can’t stop touching you.’”
2. “‘Do you feel this, too?’ (‘This’ being an incredible emotional euphoria.)”
3. “‘Hungry? Stay right here. I’ll go make you a burrito.’”
4. “Her name—her full name—followed by a ‘Wow.’”
5. “Nothing. Total, deliberate silence. You can stare at her, grab her, touch her, but don’t make a sound. If she tries to talk, place a finger on her lips.”
6. “While looking out the window at people not currently in bed with her: ‘Suckers.’”
7. “While looking at moonlight reflecting on the ceiling: ‘What do you see?’”
8. “‘Waking up with you is even better than sleeping with you.’”
9. “‘Squeeze my hand when it feels really amazing.’”
10. “‘Don’t ever leave me.’”
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Amelia
wrote on December 29 2008 @ 08:07 am: [report]
Oh. My. God. The only thing I want on that list is the burrito.
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on December 29 2008 @ 08:16 am: [report]
Ew, ew, ew, ew, EW.
lilo
wrote on December 29 2008 @ 08:27 am: [report]
And I thought that time he brought up the moonlight patterns, it was original.
Most of these are things you would repeat to your friends just to suggest how awful and creepy the guy was. I thank Men’s Health for this list because lame comments in bed have given my friends and me many funny shared memories.
What’s with the burrito?! “Sure, I’d love some gas-inducing beans after making love.”
Pugs
wrote on December 29 2008 @ 08:37 am: [report]
“Her name—her full name—followed by a ‘Wow.’”
If somebody said my full name, I’d think I was back in school with the teacher taking attendance so I’d probably yell out “HERE!” Yeah. I’m turned on at the thought already.
Rose
wrote on December 29 2008 @ 09:26 am: [report]
On what planet is keeping someone from speaking by “placing a finger on her lips” sexy? If a guy did that to me, I’d never #&@$% him again!
Croutons
wrote on December 29 2008 @ 09:41 am: [report]
Classy! All that’s missing is, “Please ride my face like it’s a mechanical bull!”
Chico B
wrote on December 29 2008 @ 10:15 am: [report]
No, no, they’re providing a valuable service here, for both men and women.
If a guy reads this and is credulous enough to try any of these stunts, they’re quickly going to weed themselves out of the garden until they can grow themselves an actual ability to converse with human beings.
Once you’ve left this Pick-Up Artist pseudo-Fonzie stuff behind, everyone you know wins.
BeeGirl
wrote on December 29 2008 @ 11:29 am: [report]
Oh god. This is why they should really consult women before writing these articles.
spanishdoll
wrote on December 29 2008 @ 01:15 pm: [report]
Might as well add “shh…there’s no need for words right now” to #5!
And it’s creepy that they suggest men should “grab” a woman.
Jennie G.
wrote on December 29 2008 @ 01:40 pm: [report]
Completely silent?? Staring, grabbing, saying nothing at all? How creepy. Then, to not even let me say anything??? CREEPER!!!
Promessa
wrote on December 29 2008 @ 06:22 pm: [report]
*Palm to forehead*
sigh….
DidSheReallyGoThere
wrote on December 30 2008 @ 12:49 pm: [report]
I don’t know what’s sorrier! These lines or the guy[s] reading, memorizing, and (SHUDDER) RECITING them in bed!
Lucky Red
wrote on December 30 2008 @ 01:17 pm: [report]
1. The “phrases” on this list would make me automatically file them under creeper.
2. I would then continue to question a)how effin drunk I was to crawl into bed w/a douche like that or b)did he drug me? that effer drugged me.
3. Whomever wrote that article should have to say those ON VIDEO to a random woman he beds so men can see how well that one will work out for him
often-incredulous
wrote on December 30 2008 @ 03:58 pm: [report]
If the advice given in women’s and men’s magazines were actually helpful or truthful, people wouldn’t need to keep buying them.
I’m a guy. Other guys have always made me feel stupid for going about getting girls “the right way”, which includes buying them luxury items, lying to them, using pickup lines, etc. I don’t want those girls.
pixieonacid
wrote on December 30 2008 @ 05:10 pm: [report]
“‘Waking up with you is even better than sleeping with you.’”
-How many times have I heard that one .... or else “I could just stay here all day with you”.... sooooo cheesey
Also, I don’t apreciate being called cudly, I am not a teddy bear, you’re basically just calling me fat!!!
TampaGuitarGuy73
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 12:51 pm: [report]
Crikey..I’ve never seen some many people bitch about something that doesn’t mean a hill of bean-burrito..All your posts just prove a point..Just like snowflakes we are all different. Something that will work for someone will not for another. ie sex ,food and about a million other things.. Maybe if you can be happy with your self then some comment by a guy that comes from his heart it will not be taken as an attack on you. I’m so tired of all good work being done by an one ill-advised comment. Maybe if you talk to your guy instead of just behind his back to your friends. But we all wanna play games, women just bitch more. As far as Mens Health magazine, Ive seen many an article in womens mags that made me laugh with their lack of insight. We should just know we can’t read each other minds and speak up. If you are afraid to speak your mind then you are not grown up enough to be in a realtionship.
Lynn
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 02:41 pm: [report]
I would be OK with a couple of these…especially if he offers me a post-sex snack! My BF and I do that all the time! I always want a snack after. I’d rather snack than cuddle. Maybe not a burrito, though…
and calling everyone else suckers? honestly, that would crack me up!
Most of the rest are total cheeseball/corny territory, but I think it would really depend on the situation. It would make a big difference if it seemed rehearsed and forced, or if it seemed genuine - and if it was the latter, I’d appreciate it in an “it’s the thought that counts” sort of a way.
wanman
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 03:46 pm: [report]
Who gets thier sex advice from Mens Health?
“If they can teach me how to do Marine push ups they must know all about how to talk to women in bed.”
That’s like getting car repair advice from your insurance guy.
marthajane
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 05:39 pm: [report]
It IS! Like getting women advice from a jock.
Sometimes ‘dumb jock’ really means Dumb.
Lauralicious
wrote on January 1 2009 @ 02:18 pm: [report]
I swear this is Darwinism at play here, except instead of weeding out the weak,it’s weeding out the stupid. A guy says ANY of these things and never gets laid again, and therefore never produces babies (who will in turn say stupid things). Ta-da!
Scarlet Drawl
wrote on January 2 2009 @ 03:08 pm: [report]
I’d be cool with the burrito thing. I guess it depends on what time it was. I might would rather have a biscuit or something if it was breakfast time.
fallenangel915
wrote on January 3 2009 @ 02:20 am: [report]
I love to eat after sex. But I think I’d prefer a sandwich or something.
Jennifur106
wrote on January 6 2009 @ 06:40 am: [report]
CREEPY as #&@$%. when did Men’s Health take such a bad turn??