What Is “Dating Like A White Girl”?

jambadreamer07
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 12:07 pm: [report]

It sounds like the Ms. Sims is confusing “dating like a college” girl for dating like a white girl. In reality, very few adult women live the sex in the city lifestyle, regardless of their skin color.

Raugiel
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 12:11 pm: [report]

Agreed! Though some of my friends have encountered particular dating issues (usually unfair steriotypes or weird fetishes) based on race, for the most part we all have the same issues.

H. Blue
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 12:14 pm: [report]

I agree with you, Annika.  Question though- black women are expected to hold onto a man even if he’s no good?  Why is that? 
I tend to hold onto men who aren’t good for me, when others want me to get rid of them.

I disagree with Melanie on something you quoted- I think a lot of women, no matter their color, worry about a “looming man shortage.”  Not that there will be no men left, but that there are no good men, or suitable men, especially when women get to a certain age.  At 31, I tend to attract the attention of 50-somethings, which some women are down with, but I’m not.  I feel like my stock has been devalued by my age, and there’s a generalization that men (around) my age are either already married or gay, or worthless and there’s a reason they’re single.

livin*sunlife
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 12:15 pm: [report]

I think maybe the phrase comes from negative stereotype, the white women that “give white women a bad name”—i know those types of girls, but i’ve also known girls like that who are hispanic, asian, black, etc.

_jsw_
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 12:15 pm: [report]

One thing that reading The Frisky has taught me is that we all have similar dating/relationship issues. Some are more likely in one or the other sex, or in this or that area, or in this or that culture, or with this or that ethnicity. But there are very few if any that are unique to a sex, area, culture, or ethnicity.

H. Blue
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 12:16 pm: [report]

Also, I think it’s a shame that the writer feels the need to put a racial divide on something like this..  People are people, and we all go through similar stuff.  It’s more helpful to try to get advice from one another than to put labels on things like “dating like a white girl.”

AgentBeryllium
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 12:17 pm: [report]

Personally I think the ‘Dating like a white girl’ author was just ignorant.Maybe she needed to define her spectrum of which white girl she was talking about emulating their dating style? East-end snob? White trash? Redneck? The ‘Wooooo’ girl dating method? There are several types of dating.

Maybe she should just read that book ’ He’s just not that into you.’ I know a lot of women who worship that book. Not all white, but really love it.

Annika Harris
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 12:19 pm: [report]

@BluenBlonde Well, it has to do with this idea of a “man shortage” in the black community, similar to the situation you described that apparently affects most women regardless of race. We’re expected to make it work at any cost because who knows if another man will come along. It’s this idea that you should settle rather than be alone.

Humble Bee
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 12:20 pm: [report]

I agree with her, and its similar to Mexican girls and their tradition. Your expected to stay with that person forever if not, your considered some Ho. I live in a neighborhood that consists of mostly hispanics, and my neighbors are thee nosiest people in the Universe. They literally sit outside and talk about people, and once you park in front, they stop talking and just blatantly stare. Like if you’ve ever walked into a room and the people stop talking because they were probabaly talking smack about you, well its like that. My parents have always allowed me to date freely, I bring a lot of guys home to meet my family, they pick me up, or they hang out. I sometimes get home at 3 am, and these effing ladies come out too see who it is, I get so many dirty stares and laughs from neighbors, I once heard my neighbor say, She’s gonna get pregnant and the guy is going to leave her because she’s such a ho. I could stoop down to their level and tell them off, but both of those ladies daughters got knocked up and you NEVER see the baby daddy even visit them. I feel bad for them, because they obviously were not raised to respect themselves. Yes I date a lot, but I dont sleep around, (I respect my self and my family too much). I am happily single, with no kids, living my life to the fullest. I wish the best for them and we used to be friends until their mothers told them I was a whore and not to hang out with me. It hurt my feelings, because I was literally tutoring their daughters and I consider myself to be a very respectable person. I want to get along with my neighbors, but only if they stop judging me. Yes, I date like a white girl, I’m not gonna settle for any dude just because your going to call me ho.

bethlynn00
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 12:29 pm: [report]

But she has a point that black women, more than any other group, have a fear of a serious man shortage and they are not unfounded if we are looking to date black men, look at the statistics for black men in this country between the high incarceration rates and high unemployment rates (even before the recession) as a professional black woman, you don’t have a large pool to pick from of black men, without some type of major baggage, which can be trying on any type of relationship.  So I think that might have been part of her point, plus something like 70% of black women under 40 are not/have never been married, while it’s like 30-something percent for white women, so yeah there are some similarities, but there are differences in dating issues between white an black women, maybe we all doing it, but the outcomes are coming out very skewed.

cattgirl813
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 12:42 pm: [report]

How about just dating for personal pleasure and some fun with another person?  If it advances into something more serious, then bonus!  If it doesn’t, enjoy the time you’ve had and move on.  And don’t stick around for any nonsense, mistreatment, or incompatibility because you fear being alone - that’s the ultimate in self betrayal.  That approach is not dating like a white girl, black girl, or (fill in the ethnicity of your choosing) girl.  That’s just dating sensibly.  Is that too much to ask?

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 12:49 pm: [report]

I’m starting a new column called “Were all f*cked up in our own little ways, embrace it and move on”. It’s gonna be a winner.

lani13
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 12:57 pm: [report]

in the black community, there is a shortage of men, and some of the men prefer women of different races.  its hard neough being in relationship, but i say go outside the race.  i’m mixed, so it’s not really outside my race, but instead of waiting around for some man who may or may not come, might as well try something different

MuchoMacho
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 01:10 pm: [report]

there is a shortage of black men?  explain that scientifically…

luke15chick
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 01:14 pm: [report]

Well if its true that all black women are supposed to settle for any guy for fear of being alone, then my two close friends who are black are the exception because these ladies have very specific criteria and reject plenty of potential boyfriends.

lilrockgoddess4u
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 01:18 pm: [report]

I wouldn’t say there is a “shortage” of men, there is a shortage of good men.  I think most women regardless of race have held on to a man that they knew wasn’t right, including this white girl.  I can’t help but wonder how many white women this author actually knows.  To be honest, I envy those women how are happy to date all the time and don’t consider them “loose”.  I personally find dating completely nerve wracking.

bethlynn00
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 01:23 pm: [report]

@MuchoMacho: Black men are about 6% of the population but about 50% of the overall prison inmates, and they make up half off all of the murder victims in the U.S., then add in those that are married and those that are gay, and that leaves you with a very, very, very small pool to chose from, if your dating exclusively in that pool.

bumbler
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 01:23 pm: [report]

I think maybe the underlying issue is personal self esteem issues and cultural self esteem issues.  I’ve seen many women of all races hang on to guys who were not treating them right because they felt that they couldn’t find someone better or didn’t deserve better.  But there is still an issue of white privilege in beauty standards. The normal standard of beauty still has white features, white hair and a white figure despite some advances in diversity.  So taking out the factor of a man shortage and personal self esteem that everyone (male or female, all races) struggles with our culture does consistently undervalue black women.  Now not every black woman struggles with this just as not every woman over a size 2 feels horrible about her body but especially in the young these unfair and twisted standards are hard to push aside.

lifesaver10
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 01:25 pm: [report]

This aricle really made me curious about perceptions of dating between races.  More articles like this please!  It made me go out and buy this issue of esence to read the whole thing!
The whole article insinuates many ideas about black women that can be seen in white women as well.  Especially when it comes to keeping men around!  The women in my family seem to have a high divorce rate, so I was led to believe that men not only leave you but they wouldnt even stick around to see their children grow up. 

I was once told by a black girlfriend of mine that she envies the fact that I could care less if I got married.  Thats not true!  I would love to get married!  I just believe that not getting married doesn’t mean that I will not be happy.  The article says they want the “one” but dont believe they’ll ever find the perfect man.  Uh, duh, neither do any other race of women!

Hopefully talking about race will help ALL women to realize that finding true love is finding somene you are compatible with, an not traits in a man that you do and do not want.

C.Munro
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 01:28 pm: [report]

The cultural pressure to pair up is what bothers me about this whole thing.  People looking at each other as if they were shopping for the best laundry detergent.  It’s just disgusting.

MuchoMacho
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 01:43 pm: [report]

@beth - good angle.  hadnt considered it.

saysay
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 02:01 pm: [report]

@cheese… AMEN.

Jenn27549
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 02:46 pm: [report]

Well another issue with the black man/woman dating situation and “shortage” is that the option to go outside the race is seen as negative toward black women dating outside the race and positive for black men dating outside the race.  So that’s just one more cultural hurdle to overcome if you are going to date more freely.  Its no longer unacceptable—in most places—for a white female to be dating outside her race, but it is not always seen as OK for a black female to do the same.

BKsweetheart
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 02:54 pm: [report]

If I might add my two cents….

I can somewhat understand what the author was trying to say. I’m currently dating a black guy who has dated lots of white women (I’m biracial) and this is actually one of our favorite topics of conversation. He’s always telling me that there’s such a big difference between white women and black women when it comes to dating. I wouldn’t know personally but according to him, white girls may come off as more easy going and free spirited and just “cool as f*ck” (in his words) whereas black women come off too hard or have unreasonably high expectations right from the door. (But the whole “angry black woman perception” is a whole ‘nother topic of conversation). No offense to anyone here, I’m just going off what he said, but apparently white women just tend to be more fun loving and down for whatever and not really so much hung up on “oh if I do this or that I’ll look like a whore” - they just want to have a good time. Whereas, most black women aren’t like that with guys they just meet. They want to be “courted” and pursued, etc. Not to say that black women can’t be just as skanky as anyone else but I guess maybe it’s more taboo in the black community?

I can’t say for sure but I think that is what the author was getting at in her comment.

H. Blue
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 08:06 pm: [report]

@BK- I’ve heard similar things about black women, from black men that I have dated. I don’t understand it myself, having many black friends, and I really look up to the black women I know- they seem so strong and confident and beautiful to me. 

As for the problem of “no good black men”, incarceration rate, etc..  that’s a huge social problem that I wish there was a good answer to.  The fact is, there are poor people and crimes committed among all races, but it seems worse among the minorities.  I’ve seen a little bit on the subject- that it has a lot to do with role models, expectations, education, and perception of possibilities (like the possibility of getting out of the viscious cycle of where you grew up).  I don’t think there’s an easy answer.

canadiancutie
wrote on October 24 2009 @ 01:40 pm: [report]

I am a black girl who’s basically always dated white guys, and some of them have told me that dating awhite girl is different than dating a women of another race (be the girl black, Asian, or Middle Eastern). So while I get the resistance to the idea coming from every direction since it is rational, a part of me also can’t help but wonder if there might be some truth to it.

However, with that said, I have never dated a white girl, nor any girl, so I really wouldn’t know.

canadiancutie
wrote on October 24 2009 @ 01:51 pm: [report]

Oh, and far as the plight of “the poor, lonely black woman” goes, the instances of discrimination againist black women just for being black are far, far lower than the instances of discrimination against women of all kinds for being ugly. If you take care of yourself, men of all races will be willing to date you, and you can take your pick. That’s not to say that you have to look like the stereotypical Barbie, skinny with big boobs and long, stick-straight hair. Heck I’m a black woman and that means curvy - my measurements are 36-28-40. I’m not that thin. But men are hardwired to respond to beauty and intelligence. So ALL women should stop making excuses for why they “can’t get a man” and work on being their best selves.

Now, getting a man you are COMPATIBLE with, that’s a whole other issue. That one could take a few days. lol.

stiffinp
wrote on October 24 2009 @ 07:18 pm: [report]

I’ve heard a little about these differences here and there and it is unfortunate that it happens. A immigrant friend told me she felt a little stigmatized hanging with me a few years back (she’s from the Caribbean and I’m white, but it might have been the age difference). I wish people would look for what they want instead of just “settling”. It think it would prevent a lot of unhappiness later on!

adamjs
wrote on October 24 2009 @ 11:01 pm: [report]

As a guy, the only discernible differences I have noticed are that often the girls parents are a bit more conservative than mine; which could merely go down to the fact they have a daughter and not a son.

When I was younger they would also give the impression I was trying to corrupt their daughters. This seemed strengthened when they were from a non-english speaking background and they thought it perfectly fine to talk cr@p about me right in front of my face, in their native tongues, assuming I could not understand; all the while hiding behind a smile.

In contrast to this, English-only speaking girls parents would always tell me to my face how they expect me to treat their daughter.

In the dating of the actual girl - I’ve never noticed any difference whether she’s black, white, yellow, pink, purple, green. 

As an aside: I think the entire concept of linking peoples dating habits to “colour” is ridiculous. Colour has nothing to do with it - it’s a persons morals, community, socio-economic circumstances, parents, education, upbringing, etc that go most to affecting how one would date.

develange
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 10:26 am: [report]

man shortage, what? GOOD man shortage? I don’t get that.

Maybe there is a shortage of good men who also happen to look like models.

Someone please explain this further. Because right now it just seems hypocritical and shallow.

BlueVibe
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 11:32 am: [report]

develange—you must have better luck than I did.  I won’t bore everyone with the list of employment-challenged men I encountered before *finally* stumbling onto my current boyfriend.  I can’t imagine why he was still single, except that he’s a total introvert who doesn’t like to go out and be seen much, or I’d have missed him, too.

I don’t mean “employment-challenged” as in “laid off but looking.”  I mean guys who had jobs but got fired for messing up, or whose coworkers hated them because they were slackers, or who admitted they half-assed it because they could.  Sheesh.

wild-ting
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 07:22 pm: [report]

@ Annika Harris: We’re expected to make it work at any cost because who knows if another man will come along.

WHO expects this?! Not my mom, not my dad, not my big bro…and certainly NOT ME!!