What His Underwear Says About Him
Posted by: Erin Flaherty
Filed in:
style, guys
2:00PM, Wednesday October 7th 2009
After we read the would-be-totally-offensive-if-it-weren’t-hilarious Holy Taco post titled “What Her Underwear Says About Her,” we felt so very informed that we were inspired to create our very own man version. Because, much like learning a dude’s astrological sign, his underoos speak volumes about what kind of guy he really is, and, more importantly, what kind of equipment he’s working with. You could read his tea leaves, or just follow the jump for everything you need to know about your man’s drawers. And we’ve provided helpful celebrity examples, naturally.
Look, you already know what I’m gonna say about these: He’s a real classic guy, the kind who owns a Golden Retriever (or at least grew up with one) and likes long walks on the beach and skiing in the winter. Just make sure his underwear isn’t too tight, or he could be a real piece of work who works out for two hours every morning and asks you, “Are you sure you should eat that?” when you order dessert. (Or, he might just be in the military.) Then again, he could also be a hipster wearing them ironically. Think those neon-colored jammies from American Apparel. The dude in the latter category may have a wicked sense of humor; he may also have a handlebar mustache and wear jeans that are skinnier than yours. So there’s that.
Here’s the kind of dude you can bring home to mom. He’s an all-American good guy who’s into sports and likes to let it all hang loose. Beware his foppish cousin, the one who wears silk, paisley boxers. That guy is way fastidious and he will judge your own undie collection. Don’t wanna be caught wearing granny panties around him.
This dude is a “closet stud” who likes to walk a little on the alternative side. His (surprisingly) well-endowed member needs all the tender caressing support of a tighty whitie, but he’s laid-back and easy breezy like a boxer guy. He’s not trying to impress anyone, and he likes what he likes. He’s probably kind of a player too, but you won’t know until after he’s serenaded you and the next morning explains how you’re beautiful but he really just can’t “be in a relationship right now.”
Run do not walk away from the guy who busts one of these little numbers out. Insecure and overly macho at the same time, here’s a guy who’s compensating for the fact that he has something to hide by barely hiding anything at all. It’s the male equivalent of a rhinestone g-string. There’s just no way to wear one of these with any semblance of class or dignity, capeesh? Note to dudes: Speedos and their ilk are like kryptonite to ladies who wanted to have sex with you until you pulled your pants down.
Before you freak out and have a heart attack, consider that the Manties man is not a full-on sexual deviant, but just really kinky and sexually confident. This rock star will fully blow your mind (and that’s not all) in the sack. On the flip side, he’s a total hedonist who’s likely to steal your best lingerie while he’s waiting for his next man panty order to arrive. Proceed with caution, but do strap in and enjoy the best sex of your life.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
Perceptible
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 01:23 pm: [report]
Ha ha ha! My boyfriend doesn’t like to wear any underwear at all. So where does he fit in?
When he does wear them (under work clothes mostly) it’s tighty whities, even though I’m pushing for boxer briefs.
Rose
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 01:27 pm: [report]
They’re all fugly. Why can’t someone invent sexy underwear for men?
NomChompsky
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 01:28 pm: [report]
One day I realized that whenever I have the full compliment of underwear (oh, day after laundry day!), I inevitably reach for the boxer briefs. So now I pretty much only buy boxer briefs.
Though I will say I am partial to going commando, especially if the pants have come right out of the dryer. Mmm, hugs.
IronSatan
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 01:42 pm: [report]
I am military and honestly underwear is a double edged sword to us, most wear it cause its part of our uniform and yes there have been commanders retarded enough to do a “drawer check” on a few units I have been in. None the less its difficult to choose to wear them or not.
Underwear-
Pros:Warm, protective, and u don’t feel like its trying to separate itself from u when u run.
Cons: Too warm our uniforms are not exactly breathable, so too warm = swamp monster = no sex. Knots…yes they do get knotted up and the double handed monkey rake is not an authorized method of keeping your military bearing.
Commando-
Pros: Cool, Freedom,and no Monkey Raking involved.
Cons: Cold, they get sore after running for a while, some uniforms chaff badly, and no protection from the friendly higher ranking soldier who believes that the “good job smack” goes in the front….
ChoJinn
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 01:57 pm: [report]
Commando is the way to go. If it’s really cold or I am doing something athletic not on the beach, I’ll wear trunks; basically, very snug boxer briefs.
bethlynn00
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 03:03 pm: [report]
LOL at c**k socks! Only male strippers should wear those, and only when they are performing, and they should be animal themed and even then, it’s still kinda weird…but I still love male strippers!
SouthOC
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 03:06 pm: [report]
My preference: Boxer Briefs. The boys need protection, but also a little breathing room.
@IronSatan: “double handed monkey rake”???
I have no idea what that is, but it totally cracked me up.
AlisonNoelle
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 04:59 pm: [report]
Oy. Ok. I first had to take a look at what my undies say about me and apparently I’m a whore. Or a stripper or whatever cuz I want everyone to look at my underwear. What a bunch of bullsh*t. But anyway. HAHAHAHA Cocksocks. Thats funny. Hooray for my boxer wearin guy.
Ciao99
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 06:50 pm: [report]
They forgot trunks. Boxer briefs just push your package into your thighs.
impoddity
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 09:40 pm: [report]
I like boxer briefs. I even bought some for myself from Gap’s boys section. I love them. And cheaper than women’s roos!!
Linz
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 11:11 pm: [report]
My guy wears boxers, but he has a couple pairs of tighty-whiteys that come out when the laundry piles up. All in all, I think he’s proven (with his underwear choice, of course) to be a great guy!
DancerNinja
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 12:13 am: [report]
Boxer briefs are my fav on guys. I’m all about a good, grab-able butt on a man, and boxers just don’t show it off well enough, and tighty-whities are too showy.
The other article lists my underwear under “tomboy.” I guess I didn’t need them to tell me that.
shannac02
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 08:29 am: [report]
@IronSatan: What is a monkey rake? I’ve never heard of this one.
IronSatan
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
Well only guys should understand that reference but when u get knotted up it’s essentially using both hands to un-knot yourself, which kinda looks like a chimp playing with himself hence the name double handed monkey rake….
shannac02
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 11:18 am: [report]
Hmmm… This requires further investigation.
davvik
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 11:23 am: [report]
Not as funny as the holy toco version (it should have blantly insulted every type).
bogart4017
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 02:13 pm: [report]
Agree w ciao99—-its not pleasant peeling your nuts off your leg on a hot day. Boxer briefs are good in the winter. Basically i stick to boxers. I’m thinking back to the early 80’s now and wondering why all the women i knew thought those bikini briefs were so damn sexy. Anyone? Anyone?
@ironsatan—how does your underwear get “knotted up”? I keep trying to get a mental image and its not working.
SCRMOM
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 02:19 pm: [report]
@bogart4017: I thought the “knotted up” was in reference to his balls. I assumed that they were “displaced” from their regular position, so he needed both hands to place them back into position. I’m really not sure, though.
GirlieKJ
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 02:57 pm: [report]
Black Boxer Briefs are the hottest thing a guy can wear! They are tight in all the right places, and if a guy has toned thighs and a tight ass even better!
Jitterbugs232
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 08:15 pm: [report]
My boyfriend doesn’t wear any underwear at all so where does he fit in??
_jsw_
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 08:17 pm: [report]
@Jitterbugs232: You, hopefully.
dizzy
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 10:55 pm: [report]
American men have a fear of drawing attention to their body. Hence your conclusions. To me, form-fitting shows that a man is comfortable in his body and isn’t afraid to flaunt it. Yes, my husband wears speedos at the beach.
SamL
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 07:59 am: [report]
I’m like AlisonNoelle and had to find out what MY underwear said about me first. Problem is, I tend to wear a range of different styles depending on my mood and/or inclination. So according to THAT survey, I’m a lazy, whore exhibitionist who is comfortable about her body…
In the men’s department, Tighty Whities are the one’s that most rock my boat. (Although if Tom Cruise wears them that’s a negative.)
Cock socks and Manties are just so sad. And would make me laugh uncontrollably.
And boxers don’t do it for me… they look to much like the sort of underwear my father might wear. Sorry guys!
sportzriter13
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 08:56 am: [report]
@Sam L-for me it’s the other way around. I prefer boxers!
John has the wackiest designs (cd’s, bulls and pool anyone?) which fit his goofy personality to a T.
I was a little miffed by the way they described women who wear granny panties. Granted, I’m moving away from those, and saving them for sick/PMS days. I have ample hips so a great deal of skimpy things look like crap on me. Yesterday, I bought a couple of pairs of “hipster” lace underwear. I think I found my “sexy” underwear.
Better yet, they match two new bras.
Isn’t it funny how a pair of good underwear makes one feel very sexy?
Jenn27549
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 11:01 am: [report]
Very strange, it was almost 100% dead on for both me and my husband…I guess we are just very stereotypical!!
equnsuocha
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 02:01 pm: [report]
My man has the ass of a god, and while I would love him to wear trunks, he prefers his good ‘ole boxer briefs.
MuchoMacho
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 04:00 pm: [report]
im about boxerbriefs and only boxer briefs. tighty whiteys are too old man. boxers ride up, plus i work out and like showing off the goods. cock socks have never even been an option, just wierd. manties? never heard of them. id sport a pair of underoos though if i could find them. to be funny.
adamjs
wrote on October 9 2009 @ 11:13 pm: [report]
Boxer briefs all the way for me. As a few other guys have said - everything else rides up when exercising or gets you all tangled up.
I have never worked out how guys can wear boxer shorts all day long and not end up in a sore tangled mess.
majicksand
wrote on October 10 2009 @ 09:00 am: [report]
My husband and my older sons prefer boxers. The soft knit kind though, not the sratchy regular kind. I’m definitely a bikini kind of girl. Not the swimsuit variety, the actual underwear kind. I wore thongs forever, but they’re just too uncomfortable.
I seem to recall an episode of ‘Will & Grace’ where a new neighbor knew Will was gay because she saw his boxer briefs in the laundry room. I always thought that was funny because my ex husband wears them, and I still have my doubts as to whether or not he’s in denial. You guys with your ‘I wear boxer briefs and I’m completely comfortable with my heterosexuality’ are a total buzzkill.
snap
wrote on October 10 2009 @ 09:08 am: [report]
i think a man is so sexy in boxer briefs…
GreyWolf
wrote on October 10 2009 @ 03:11 pm: [report]
@majicksand: Boxer briefs are very comfortable. They hold you close (no bouncing around, which can be VERY uncomfortable ... the boys are a little delicate
) They are snug, so the tend not to get knotted. The only draw back is that they can tend to bunch around the thighs over time, lol.
majicksand
wrote on October 10 2009 @ 03:54 pm: [report]
@greywolf: I don’t doubt they’re comfy. I just think it’s funny that they have been deemed a mark of homosexuality on syndicated tv (even if it was just the one time) because my ex is such a douche about ‘evil, hell-bound gays’. I enjoy picturing him agonize over giving up his preferred style out of fear that someone will think he’s gay. Maybe it’s mean, but it makes me smile. You guys proudly declaring your boxer briefs and your heterosexuality simultaneously makes it harder for me to envision the equally bigotted guys at his gym pointing and laughing.
Again, in my defense, I swear I never saw any of his bigotted crap before we got married.
SCRMOM
wrote on October 10 2009 @ 04:02 pm: [report]
How did you get a picture of my husband in his tighty whities?
GreyWolf
wrote on October 10 2009 @ 10:14 pm: [report]
@majicksand: I’d still wear them even if it did make me look gay… I really want the boys to be comfortable
. Off-topic perhaps but although *I’m* not gay, I approve of male homosexuality. Means fewer guys competing for the women in the world. By the same token, lesbianism is a threat to me.
All of this being purely hypothetical, of course, since my wife has absolute control of my underwear
Sara.B
wrote on October 10 2009 @ 11:46 pm: [report]
@SCRMOM, Yumm, I totally envy you! In my experience, most guys don’t have enough ass for tighty whities so they end up baggy and looking like a diaper.
I think a guy just looks better walking around the house in a nice pair of boxer shorts. I got my BF a pair of silk boxers a couple Christmas’s ago but he didn’t like them. He said they gave his penis goose bumps. Oh well, now I occasionally wear them for pj bottoms.
I thought c**k socks were those other things male strippers wear that look like a g-string with a sock puppet attached to it.
CheezeDoodles
wrote on October 11 2009 @ 02:59 pm: [report]
I’m with Nom on what he says about warm undies…MMM.
My guy, boxer briefs—and with his amazing legs, just…WOW. Never thought guys’ underwear styles (any of them) were particularly hot until I saw him in his skivvies.
Frisky Noetic
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 11:46 am: [report]
I like anything on a guy that displays his wonderful front and rear ‘package’. I’m very visual, so traditional boxers don’t do anything for me. Let me see your manly shape no matter what shape you are in. Mmmmmm!
C.Munro
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 02:04 pm: [report]
Plain cotton boxers only here. I can’t stand the feeling of having my package shrink-wrapped to my body or the itchy ass that I get from whitey-tighties or (I’m assuming) boxer briefs. I always thought boxer briefs looked less than straight myself, and whitey-tighties look like something a kid wears in addition to being uncomfortably tight and having those unfortunately placed leg holes.
Boxers are great because they offer some protection from zippers and the inner seam of my Calvins without constricting anything. I know they’re not sexy, but that’s more than fine with me. I like how “old man” they are.
Bond Girl
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 06:13 pm: [report]
I’m with Snap…boxer briefs are suuuuper super hot.
CJ1432
wrote on October 12 2009 @ 06:22 pm: [report]
Hey whatever floats your boat. But if you wear the whitey tighties, make sure you throw them away when they get grungy. Nobody wants to see skidmarks (yuck!)
EmmayElle
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 09:08 am: [report]
I think it’s really funny when guys wear boxers with hearts on them or little owls or something. It usually means their girlfriend picked them out.
MuchoMacho
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 04:27 pm: [report]
i wish they sold my size underoos…
VocalVal
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 10:05 pm: [report]
God bless the person who invented the boxer brief. They are arguably one of the greatest inventions of the last century. The assembly line, the computer, solar panels, wings on a pad and boxer briefs. They comfortably cradle the components of my destination and hightlight the powerful thighs. Any man will automatically be offered second opportunity to visit the V Spot (regardless of his performance) if he comes correct with boxer brief.
(Can you tell that I am a fan?)
rrtt11
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 08:37 pm: [report]
Wow, I am late but without regard to anything women might consider the boxer-brief is the greatest invention in mens underwear. They are perfect yet as they become more like boxers at the end of day but still for comfort in all situations they are the best