What His Bedding Says About Him
Posted by: Simcha Whitehill
Filed in:
guys
9:00AM, Tuesday November 3rd 2009
The moment has finally come. After getting your required amount of gallantry and booze, you’re going home with the new guy. But what will his place look like? We all spend the most at-home time in the bedroom, especially on that sexy sorta night. So, just like his underwear style, his sheet set can be really telling. Is your man a full-fledged flannel softie, an Egyptian cotton king, or perhaps even a bold bed-in-a-bag kind of guy? Find out how he’s exposing himself, before you even take off his pants.
1. Cotton/Poly Blend: No muss, no fuss. He doesn’t bother with things like thread count or your clitoris. He’s got better things to do, so he went to one place and grabbed the cheapest available option. Good enough! Hm, hope he doesn’t use that same shopping technique with women.
2. Print/Jacquard: He’s into design, his ex-GF picked them out, or they’re the spare house set his mom let him take. No matter the reason, they’re guaranteed to make you crack a knowing smile. Print sheets are flashy and fun. Ultimately, he isn’t afraid to put a little extra out there, so the sex should follow that same pattern.
3. Striped: Basically, they’re the pinstripe suit of bed linens. He wants to be a lux, classy kinda guy. He’s got collared shirts lined up in his closet and pants that need to be pressed. As for his bed, like his outfits, he wanted his sheets to stand out from the pack, to be a little different but not in a crazy way. He still wants to fall in line with society, but he wants to be the cream of the crop. And if the sheets are black or gray, he fantasizes about being a prohibition-era gangster. So, keep that in mind when picking out your own sexytime ensemble.
4. Bed In A Bag: This man doesn’t do things piecemeal—he just picked the colors and or pattern he liked best and did it all in one fell swoop. He’s not bothered by synthetics; he just cares about how things look. The man knows what he’s into and is willing to live with his snap decision. He likes what he likes, but he doesn’t get too attached to things. He gets what he needs when he needs it and figures he can always change later.
5. Egyptian Cotton: He knows a good thing when he touches it; he won’t just lie down and take anything! The high thread count is refined yet comfortable — total boyfriend material.
6. Satin: He’s a dandy, a wannabe pimp, or Elvis. On the upside, he must not be a sweaty beast in bed if he can maintain these sheets. But as flamboyant as he likes his bedroom is as kinky as he likes to feel. So, hope you’re not averse to sliding around and getting satin burns. After a silky night together, you might find him to be as slippery as his sheets.
7. Flannel: If there is a mountain, he will climb it, or at least he thinks he can. He’s not afraid to get his hands dirty—take that as you will. And although he’s totally not interested in being a coordinated metrosexual, he’s unwittingly got shirts to match his bedding. He’s just a practical, dependable dude.
8. Black: He wanted to perfect the dark and mysterious look for his bachelor pad, but didn’t realize (or is too inexperienced to know) that it shows the most, uh, dirty little secrets. Hmm, sounds like these sheets may make a great Christmas present for your man, if you’re suspicious …
9. White/Neutral: Captain basic doesn’t need gimmicks. He just gets what’s regular; nothing crazy is necessary. And hey, he might be as vanilla as his sheets, but at least he’s not a picky bastard. Plus, he gets bonus points if they’re white just for the highest of high thread counts or a woven pattern, and he manages to keep them squeaky clean.
10. Color: He has a favorite color he always picks or he actually tried to match his decor. Either way, color us blushing for this sensitive, thoughtful guy. Depending on what he picked, you can get a snippet of how he sees himself with those color associations you learned in your high school literature class. But even if he’s colorblind or bad at matching, he has an eye for personality and is particular, which always looks good to us.
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CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 09:08 am: [report]
Come on. Most guys do bed in a bag.
Mine has a black comforter over a light orangish sheet and fitted sheet (I dunno what the color is called and this was my best approximation because ‘salmon’ was ever more wrong’).
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 09:18 am: [report]
I’m with cheese. #4 in the summer in whatever colors my mom and/or gf picked out, and #7 (in 8 and 9) in the winter. WI gets cold.
PS
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 09:51 am: [report]
Black Satin on a twin bed = run the other way as fast as you can! Especially when the top sheet doubles as a curtain after rough nights!
sparklestar
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 09:56 am: [report]
This applies to women too!
All our bedding pretty much comes from IKEA.
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 10:15 am: [report]
I personally know how to match separates to get the look I want. Nothing wrong with bed in a bag if a man or woman chooses to go that way, in my opinion.
HitOrMissJudy
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 11:10 am: [report]
I remember times in my life when I was actually impressed if the guy HAD sheets! A pillow with a case—fancy! Ah, punk rock.
majicksand
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:23 pm: [report]
My husband would decorate the entire house in black, white, and chrome with red accents if I let him. Everything that didn’t require a cushion would be glass. That was fine when he was a bachelor. It doesn’t work so well with kids. There is currently nothing “ultra-modern minimalist” about our house.
He got to decorate the office. My L-shaped desk is 7 levels of glass on a chrome base. Even the conference table is glass.
NomChompsky
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:28 pm: [report]
I’m just gonna go ahead and posit that the sheets a guy use have way less to do with how he is in bed/life than the article suggests.
EastCoastMale
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:34 pm: [report]
I will second that NomChompsky
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:36 pm: [report]
@majick - i recently caught hell for the 3 level glass and chrome tv stand i picked out and put together. she wants to paint it. shes crazy. ur husband sounds like he has awesome taste. *fake e-highfive!*
majicksand
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 02:48 pm: [report]
@MuchoMacho: He does have great taste. His decorating sense just isn’t very child friendly. His fashion sense is fabulous. He manages comfortable and stylish at the same time. It does backfire on him though. I make him shop with me!
malecaramel
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 04:21 pm: [report]
er… Reading THAT much from a guy’s SHEETS? You’ve gotta be kidding me… how about using some of that famous “communication” you women keep harping about? or is that just for excuses when you realize things aren’t going well?
ChoJinn
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 05:07 pm: [report]
Majick’s hubby knows what’s up. Nice teak California king and furniture, all white 500-thread everything, stark red artwork, steel, and glass. My bed is a black hole of motivation; a liability for all things and efforts productive, but easily the best thing I have ever purchased, health insurance included.
impoddity
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 05:29 pm: [report]
I get all my linens during the Back-to-School sale. It worked for Freshman year of uni and it still works today.
huggable22
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 12:13 pm: [report]
What does a literal sleeping bag on top of a fitted sheet mean? =) My dude says he got the sleeping bag for camping and figured it works just as well for his bed. Fortunately it’s big enough for both of us…but it does cause us to sleep closer to each other than we do in my bed (I don’t mind cuz I like to cuddle).
Anna12
wrote on November 5 2009 @ 07:01 pm: [report]
My sheets are black-striped satin… errr… what does that say about me? Something interesting for sure.
Yodar Critch
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 09:26 pm: [report]
Has anyone tried bamboo sheets?
They are expensive but the softest sheets you will ever find, in my opinion.
I do have to laugh at the Satin Sheets. I think everyone should try to have sex on satin sheets… notice that I said try to have sex. It is not as easy as you think!! LoL
Friction helps in sex. And that goes for the sheets also.
Yodar Critch
wrote on November 20 2009 @ 09:36 pm: [report]
So, if I understand this article, on the first date, should I bring swatches?