Birthday Blues: What Happens To Friendship After You Turn 30?
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Tuesday November 10th 2009
Remember when I was all, “I’m turning 30, so what?” Well, I think I jinxed myself! After writing that essay, the days until my 30th birthday continued to count down, and I started feeling some ... anxiety and sadness about the whole thing. Not because I’m actually sad about bidding goodbye to my 20s—they were fun, but not that fun—but because so many of my friends have already hit the big 3-0 and I’m feeling woefully distant from them these days.
Coincidentally, in the last month alone, three of the friends I have known the longest have gotten engaged. A good friend from college is getting married this month. They join the handful of other close friends I have that are already married. One of my newly engaged friends (also one of my closest pals) just announced she’s having a baby (a boy!), while my other best friend is actively trying to get pregnant herself. A third married friend told me recently that she thinks she’ll be pregnant sometime next year.
I have a few single friends, sure, and they’re awesome. But while I know life isn’t a race and I truly don’t feel like I’m competing, I feel strangely “behind” the vast majority of my friends in the personal life department. It’s not that I’m jealous or that I desperately wish I were getting married or having a baby right now—remember, I almost was married and am grateful not to be. But I also feel a little disconnected from them. I crave a core group of girlfriends that feel like family, but the ones I want that with, well, they all have their own families to build. They have couples dinners to attend, a bazillion weddings to fly to, and pre-natal vitamins to take. They’re getting winter ski houses and taking anniversary vacations.
In my adulthood, most of my friends have been good acquaintances rather than besties. I attribute this to the fact that when I was in 8th grade, my bestest bestest bestest friend since I was 5 transferred to a new school. There she made tons of new buddies, who shared her interest in dancing. A year after she started there, I was accepted. When I called to tell her the exciting news, she replied, “Ugh. Why does everyone want to come to this school all of the sudden?” She didn’t talk to me at all once I started. Since then I’ve always kept my friends at an arm’s length, not wanting to have my heart broken that way again. It’s not a conscious thing—I just went many years without getting too attached, though I’ve always had many woman in my life whom I’ve adored.
But after my breakup with my ex, I really saw how many wonderful female friends I had in my life. They truly supported me in ways I never expected. They managed to completely re-inspire my faith in female friendship and I think there are bonds with a handful of them that will last a lifetime. But during that time they have also had major changes happen in their lives—as described above—and I’ve started to feel some emotional bruising that comes with allowing yourself to, well, care about people. They’re moving on to new phases in their lives, while I’m kind of wandering. I’m happy for them, but I’m feeling a little lonely. Is this what happens in your late 20s and 30s, as your friends start to “settle down”? As friends start to create families of their own, their priorities shift—where does that leave us single ladies?
I ultimately want all of those things that my friends have—commitment and companionship and children—but truthfully, I can’t always imagine those things happening for me. Of course, at age 30 my mom was pregnant with me and about to marry my dad (yeah, I was an accident), but I’m sure when she looked ahead she didn’t see, say, a divorce or a cross-country move, two things that have occurred in her life in the last decade. Turning 30 has started to make me wonder what positive and negative events are to come. I’ve always liked being “prepared.”
When I went to Costa Rica this summer, one of the big “lessons” I brought back with me was that there’s something extremely gratifying about not looking too far ahead. The chances of envisioning what the future will actually hold are slim and life is better spent enjoying things as they happen. For the most part, I think I have applied that to my life rather well, but with 30 only, ack, a week away and everyone around me going through major life changes, I’m suddenly feeling this weird, self-imposed pressure to anticipate what’s ahead. What do I want? How am I going to get those things? Where do I want to go and how am I going to get there?
So, yes, I am turning 30 and I do feel a certain sense of SO WHAT? about the whole thing. But suddenly I’m scared and a little sad. Just not about the extra candle on my birthday cake.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
H. Blue
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 10:08 am: [report]
I feel the same way, Amelia. It’s hard to see your friends all at a stage in life you thought you should be at by now. You just have to remind yourself that you are an individual and we all have different timelines. At least, that’s what I tell myself. My choices have taken me down a different path than my friends, and that’s ok.
JackieO
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 10:09 am: [report]
Loved the article, it’s like someone was writing about me. I recently turned 30 and these same thoughts and ideas crossed my mind. All that is left is to hang in there and its just another number.
BlueVibe
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 10:27 am: [report]
This isn’t a friendship-over-30 issue; this is an thing about friends’ priorities changing. Yeah, my friends tend to drift away as they get married and have kids, too (which generally happens in their late 20’s-early 30’s). They get busy with other, more immediate concerns.
I’m 32. When my mother was my age, she had a master’s degree, most of a Ph.D., was married, and had two kids. Me? None of the above. Not necessarily by choice (I’m not interested in graduate degrees, I’m undecided on kids, but I’d still like a husband. Not enough to do something foolish, though).
betty123
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 10:50 am: [report]
I think that it is very easy to take your friendships for granted. I have noticed that as I get older I have really be able to discern who my true friends are. Like any other relationship friendships take effort and are filled with ups and downs. So as priorities change with the addition of spouses and children I think it is also important to make a concerted effort to maintain those friendships which really matter to you. I think a lot of people don’t recognize that, because when you are single making time for friends is easy and natural and requires practically no effort. I find it amazing how much people will invest in maintaining a romantic relationship but when it comes to investing in a friendship, they are willing to just throw it away rather than putting that little bit of extra effort in. I can’t imagine getting through the stages of marriage and children without my girlfriends! Of course it definitely is on both sides to understand the changes in the friendship through the life stages and adjust accordingly. It takes some effort and maturity to recognize that, but in my opinion it is worth it when it comes to real, worthwhile friendships.
Kathls
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 11:08 am: [report]
God, I’m so glad I’m not the only girl that feels like she’s “fallen behind”. I try to remind myself that it’s not a race, but it seems like all my other friends are achieving all the things I want to have in my life. My friends are still great, but some of their priorities have shifted because of spouses, kids, homes, etc.
I even joined a local volunteer organization to meet more women. They are all really nice girls, but don’t have an abundance of free time to build friendships because they too have the spouses, kids, jobs, etc, etc.
I’ll admit, sometimes I feel kind of neurotic for feeling so behind and out of the loop that I really want to be a part of. Now that i know I’m not the last single girl standing, feeling a bit worrisome/panicked, I can have a little more breathing room.
In the end my besties are still fantastic, and provide much more support than casual friends ever will. So now I guess I need to take a few more deep breathes from time to time ...
BedRocka
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 11:45 am: [report]
Eh .. C’mon Amelia ... you are hitting your stride grab thirty by it’s Nuggies and show it who’s boss. No Script just appreciate it! At 30 “The world is your oyster, I mean, because that’s all the world is.” So stop thinking too much and have a blast!! Embrace the 30s!!
SEMI-girl
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 11:53 am: [report]
The married/single, kids/no kids, house/apartment bridge is definitely there when you hit your 30s, but there’s no reason to limit your friendships to women with a similar lifestyle. My best friend is single with no prospects, and I can definitely see her staying so when I start a family in a few years. I don’t believe in the concept of third- or fifth-wheels and invite her to everything I’d invite another couple to. Same with my boyfriend’s single friends! On the other side of things, I’ve met plenty of women who had friends where the only thing they had in common was that they were both pregnant or had kids, which seems really silly to me. My oldest friend who I purposefully distanced myself from got married and had a baby 8 months ago, and though part of me wants to call her up and pepper her with questions so I can better envision my own future, it’s just not worth it.
ellinka
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 12:05 pm: [report]
I think what truly matters is that both you and your friends are happy in the lives that you’ve created for yourselves. I sometimes wish for what my married friends have and realize other times that they covet what I possess. It’s important for both sides to remain individuals to the extent that you still uphold your close friendships. But I don’t think there is any reason to feel as though you’ve fallen behind. Life is not a series of goal markers. What’s important is the journey and who you meet along the way; and if you’re smart you realize who’s worth the effort to keep around through even major life changes.
hlh22
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 12:10 pm: [report]
I’ll be 30 next year, and I’m definitely feeling all of the same feelings that you are. I don’t care about the number and the extra candle, but I’m a little sad that I’m losing my friends. I sort of feel like there’s a bit scarlet S on my chest for Single lately. One friend in particular, I was pretty close to before she got engaged (like talked to her most days). While planning the wedding, I couldn’t possibly understand anything before I wasn’t planning my wedding yet. Then, after the wedding, I didn’t understand her new life and what it was like to be married. I finally gave up trying. Nevermind that I was generally a good friend (other than after the millionth time she asked my opinion on the wedding and then didn’t take it anyway) and that I was willing to stand up for her in her wedding. I was bummed by it.
majicksand
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 04:07 pm: [report]
I actually had the opposite problem. I got married and had my first child at 20. I was watching all my friends go out partying and shopping while I stayed home and saved my money for baby stuff.
At 36 I have a built in babysitter for my younger son, and I’m an authority on relationships and kids among my friends because I’ve been doing it for so long. One of my girlfriends is pregnant for the first time, and she has about a million more questions every time I see her. It’s kind of cool.
Don’t worry, Amelia. You’re at the right stage in your life for you regardless of where anyone else may be. It all balances out.
Meg
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 07:20 pm: [report]
I feel the same way and I’m just 25. A lot of my friends are marrying, having kids, buying homes, and making big life changes and I find it really hard. It’s tough to spend time with some of them because all they talk about is pregnancy, baby showers, planning weddings, etc. and I feel like I’m from a different planet because A. that stuff bores me and B. I’m not desperate to go that route just yet. It’s hard to meet up to their expectations too, once they start sending out the invites and planning expensive events. I’m not a lesser person because I dislike baby showers and want to have fun now.
And becoming a mother is a totally life-changing process for most women, especially my friends. Friends who used to only worry about finding cute shoes to wear to the next party and if that cute stranger likes them are now worrying about runny noses and becoming overprotective and seeking religion to “establish family roots.” I miss the fun, carefree person they used to be. Also, once a woman becomes a mother it seems she becomes really judgemental and critical. It’s almost hypocritical because they look down on others who do the same things they did before they entered mommyhood.
fallonthecity
wrote on November 10 2009 @ 08:39 pm: [report]
I really enjoyed reading this.
I feel some of that same “left behind” thing, since a bunch of my friends are getting hitched lately… but most of them are getting hitched and living strapped for cash in run-down apartments in a rough side of town. I’m 22 and trying to finish up an engineering degree, so I don’t feel like I’m missing too much. I think the looking-too-far-ahead part of this post resonated most with me, because I find myself (too often) thinking, oh my God, what am I going to do when I’m living alone in the city, working full time when all my friends from school have dispersed and gotten married? I keep wondering if there will ever be anything more than a job, an apartment, a dog, and a fast car in my future… when I just need to live my life.
Anyhow, best of luck to you, Amelia! Hope your 30th birthday is fab.
og217
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 01:51 am: [report]
I can very much relate to this because I don’t want children. So its not so much a 30 thing as a childfree thing for me. Once my friends have kids, its pretty much over for us, it seems. They’re busy with the kids and other mothers. I’m very happy with my choice and my marriage, but its a bit depressing to feel left out (even though its not a club I want to join.)
DevilInBlueDress
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 12:45 pm: [report]
I feel like you just wrote my exact thoughts down on paper. Thank you so much for writing this! Sometimes I feel guilty when I feel this way, but I honestly and truly do feel very happy with my friends who are on that route already. I, too, definitely do not feel like I am in a race or competition, but it can be a lonely revelation to come to that everyone is moving forward, and that while things are really good for me and I am happy, I also feel like I’m standing still. I am 26 and I am not at all ready for marriage and children, but I feel scared about if and when I will get there and then perhaps slightly irrationally getting there and having no girlfriends to truly share it with as they will have already been part of the club for awhile while I am seemingly “behind”. I guess I just truly value my girlfriends, am lucky for them, and while I know they will still always be my friends I feel the shifts - slowly, but surely - and once in awhile it gets the best of me and I can’t help but feel a little sad about it. Again - thank you for writing this. It made me feel better just hearing that I’m not the only one. Happy 30th!!
ladyredlocks
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 02:51 pm: [report]
A friend of mine was recently freaking out about 30 and she’s 27! I was like, we have a lot to look forward to: Self-actualization and hitting our sexual peak!!! She literally spit her coffe out while laughing
Colinboudreaux
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 09:54 pm: [report]
You will change a lot in your 30s, and when you get to the end of your 30s, you will have really changed and probably not even have the same taste in friends as you did in your 20s. When you hit your 40s, things change even more.
However, with age things become much clearer and things don’t really phase you. I so wish I had the knowledge I have now 20 years ago. But life doesn’t work that way ...
develange
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 10:36 pm: [report]
I’m already beginning to feel that pressure, and I’m 22. A surprising amount of people from my high school have gotten married, are engaged, have kids. Two of whom I used to be close with. Now it’s all…“my husband this, my fiance that.” I can only imagine what it will be like when the kids start rolling in! Or, what it will be like when I’m in my late twenties/early thirties…
SassyDaisy
wrote on November 12 2009 @ 01:01 pm: [report]
I Loved this article. @Colinboudreax I too agree with changing as you age.
I’m 28 and i can see how things that interested me in earlier years dont matter to me now. Unfortunely some of my friends are still in that early stage not bc of age (bc we are all around the same age) but mentality wise and i can see myself drifting away from them…
Not on purpose, but i dont feel like doing the same thing as they do all the time without having them reciprocate when i want to have a night out. They still like clubs and i’m more into a relaxed atmosphere. Nothing wrong with clubs, but i like to hear ppl talk once in a while and not have sweaty guys rubbing up on me for once.
rockerchicka
wrote on November 12 2009 @ 02:59 pm: [report]
i am really glad for this article, i really thought that i was along on this, hey i wish we can all get together and be friends that are going through the same things haha, i wished i had friends that were going through the same thing as me, im only 19 and i am already afraid of whats going to come becasue i already hear my friends talk about how they want to get marry and have kids and worry too much about their love life, and im there thinking what about us, our friendship, whats goign to happen then, i know myself, and i knwo that i am going to be lonely and perhaps withouth friends becasue they would all would have gone their separate ways, i mean their doing that now-we all went to different schools, and i wish we were back in high school becasue really they are the bestest friends i ever had, i mean i didnt really had friends in my childhood and once i got to high school i met aweosome chicks and made awesome friendsships but 4 years is too little, 4 yrs wasnt enough for all of us to hang out together and now were all separated and i havent found friends like them in college, so i fear that i will stay friendless by the time i reach my mid 20s and 30th. i agree with sassy daisy, mentally wise i am also drifting from my friends, we hav differnet goals, different ideologies, , its soo sad, were drifting like clouds that once sticked together and now separate and flow to different directions. for me friendship is the most important because it is what i felt i only had.
i am really glad to have read this, im glad that i am really not the only one, we all feel each others pain/sadness becasue were all going through or went throgh the same feelings. I wonder what life has in store for us?
*hopeful
hopefully freinds the share the same feelings like me :D
verynervous
wrote on November 12 2009 @ 06:20 pm: [report]
Ditto the article—and look at it this way—if all of us are feeling the SAME WAY - then now we know what the real experience of turning 30 looks like, and we can differentiate it from what the media sells us, and what are friends are lying to themselves about. So that’s proof of a step in us becoming the wiser women we envisioned ourselves as this age.
axdiva
wrote on November 16 2009 @ 03:09 pm: [report]
I’m 27 and already feeling the same way (I live out in the boondocks, so everyone gets married RIGHT when they graduate from college).
I HATE not being able to have that true best friend anymore. It totally sucks, and I couldn’t have written it better myself. Amen!