What Guys Do When They’re Alone On Valentine’s Day
Posted by: Phil Dotree
Filed in:
guys
10:00AM, Tuesday February 9th 2010
When Feb. 14 looms over us like the grim specter of Death itself, men react in a rational way: We do everything that we possibly can to find someone to date us as soon as possible. Regardless of whether we like, dislike, or want to kill a person, we’ll go out with her rather than spend Valentine’s Day alone.
Sure, most of us are aware that it’s a corporate holiday designed to sap money from consumer pockets into the pockets of the greeting card, flower, and pornography industries. However, its secondary function is to make a good half of society feel lonely and depressed for not joining in. Guys are hit pretty hard. Here’s how our average Valentine’s Day goes when we’re single ...
The Morning
I wake up at roughly 8:00 a.m., ready to start the day. I look at the calendar and immediately drop back to sleep. At about 10:00 a.m., I wake up again, this time permanently. I call work and leave a confused message about why I’m not coming in today. Something about lizards. Upon hanging up the phone, I realize that there’s no work today, as it’s a Sunday. Also, I don’t have a job.
Afternoon
Smart guys buy a few flowers and candies, just in case they’re able to pull off the last-minute date. I open up a heart-shaped box full of candies, head back to the phone, and begin calling women I know. I try to make it clear that I’m not looking for a serious date, just someone to spend the holiday with. Maybe minor sexual contact. There aren’t any takers. I keep thinking that if I could stop crying and screaming, “DON’T HANG UP!” my chances might be better. But hey, if I could do that, I could’ve held down that telemarketer job.
Prime Date Time
At around 7:00 p.m., I’m resigned to my fate. I won’t be dating anyone tonight. Big deal! I’ve spent thousands of nights alone. Thousands and thousands of dark nights. Thousands of nights counting the hairs on my knuckles as I bask in the dim glow of another “Friends” rerun. I spend some time on Facebook, de-friending anyone who’s gotten married. My phone is still on. I’m text-messaging some ex-girlfriends in the hopes of a last-minute movie or something. Finally, at 8:30 p.m., I begin my date with Jack Daniels and three ice cubes.
Later Evening
At around 10:00 p.m., I’d be having some form of sex if I had been able to get a date. My next-door neighbors remind me of this by having loud sex that I can hear. I try to drown out the noise but can’t, so I wait it out while eating a bowl of cereal and reading the Wiki for Valentine’s Day. It turns out that it’s got quite a violent history. I make a mental note to bring this up the next time I call the women in my phone who haven’t blocked my number, then I pass out in a pile of fluids.
But to be fair, this is how most of my days turn out.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
hlnbabe
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 10:06 am: [report]
my guy friends hit the bars in search of drunk single girls. my guy friends are also a tad immoral.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 10:10 am: [report]
Hmm, it’s a Sunday, so I’ll wake up hungover at like noon or 1 PM, stagger around for a bit, hit the couch and see if anything is on tv, maybe take a shower, masturbate a couple times, realize it’s valentines, maybe drink some more, sleep, go to work on Monday.
Riley
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 10:16 am: [report]
I’ll be ripping up carpet and laying wood and tile. Just not in the fun, figurative sense.
_jsw_
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 10:20 am: [report]
V-day is my mom’s birthday, so I’ve always got a go-to for flowers. However, when I’ve been single or in a bad relationship (so, all but maybe 3 of them), I’ve always felt worse for those who were made to feel horrible because it was a romantic holiday and they weren’t in a happy relationship.
But me? It was never a big deal by itself. And I got to gorge myself half-price on cheap chocolate the next day.
unbounded
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 10:22 am: [report]
Huh. I honestly didn’t think dudes cared about Valentine’s day that much.
Sidv
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 10:25 am: [report]
... Priceless…
Its just 1 stupid day. Just drink enough the night before so you’ll sleep the whole thing through.
_jsw_
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 10:27 am: [report]
@unbounded: It isn’t.
You need to follow the now-standard way of dealing with these particular columns: print them out, shred them, and realize that, on one of those tiny little pieces of paper, exists the one true, valid thing. The problem is finding it.
C.Munro
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 10:39 am: [report]
It’s really not a big deal to me. I’ll be looking forward to the cheap candy the next day, that’s about it. If the weather’s nice enough, I may wash my car.
unbounded
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 10:40 am: [report]
@jsw: sometimes I read almost halfway through before it dawns on me that there is something off…but before that happens I’m generally very confused.
slip
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 10:43 am: [report]
On February 13th, every place in the world is crawling with women praying to snag a date for the next day. Hopes are high, standards are low. If you can’t score in that environment, you deserve whatever happens to you.
Slip
Dennis Duck Dong
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 10:50 am: [report]
@jsw and C.Munro
Dude, you guys just have to budget it all out. Between the post-Halloween and post-Christmas cheap candy, there’s no reason you have to wait until the day after Valentine’s.
If you horde and ration accordingly, you can have cheap candy from October through March… wait, through May! Can’t forget Easter.
AnitaBath
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 10:51 am: [report]
I totally plan on hitting up every CVS within a five-mile radius (which is A LOT) and gorging myself on discounted candy. My friend and I already made a plan.
hlnbabe
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 10:53 am: [report]
@Dennis: I always go to the movies the day after Valentine’s Day and buy a ton of post Vday candy. I feel fancy watching my movie with 3 boxes of discounted Whitman’s Samplers.
C.Munro
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 10:53 am: [report]
@DH: That’s a bit like asking a crackhead to not smoke all the rock at once.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 10:56 am: [report]
I SMOKE ROCKS! -Dave Chapelle
Dennis Duck Dong
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 10:59 am: [report]
@C.Munro
Good point. Well, I’m pretty good at the hording, so I can be your dealer if you want.
Just send me a dollar a week, and I’ll mail you your box of discounted holiday candy every Monday. That way, you can get your weekly fix without OD’ing on your stash.
Of course, prices will go up considerably after May.
Offer goes to anyone else on here. AnitaBath??? Hlnbabe???
_jsw_
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 10:59 am: [report]
@slip:
Point taken, but I’d also say that if you lower yourself by trying to score in that environment, you deserve whatever happens to you.
@DH: Nah, I always use mine up too quickly. I go to parks and throw it out just to watch the kids fight over it as my friends and I make wagers on them.
Dennis Duck Dong
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 11:01 am: [report]
@jsw
Pfft. You’re doing it all wrong. You’re supposed to tape razor blades to the kids’ hands before you throw out the candy.
Scee
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 11:21 am: [report]
Being single on V-day is no big deal for me. There’s a Mardi Gras parade on that afternoon, I’ve got to shoot a wedding (sappy) that evening, and we are still celebrating the Saint’s superbowl win. No time to be sentimental about being single, but plenty of reasons to party!
Lexington
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 11:37 am: [report]
@C.Munro- FYI the weather will not be nice enough. Just saying.
mando_man
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 12:08 pm: [report]
CoD - MW2, nuff said.
GreenBlessingsGoddess
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 12:44 pm: [report]
Dude get therapy! It doesn’t have to be this way. you won’t resolve your problem in a bottle. Find out what it is YOU are doing to turn off some people that are blocking your number. There is something you are doing wrong when you interact with women that is getting you this response. Find out what it is and when you don’t do it anymore, I think it may have something to do with you are looking for just sex and women who respect themselves don’t want that that is why you keep getting hung up on.
start with showing women respect and being interested in more than getting pussy and you will have a relationship and get lots of pussy
Dennis Duck Dong
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 12:48 pm: [report]
@GreenBlessingsGoddess
Ummm… not to speak for Phil here, but I’m pretty sure the article is supposed to be satire.
C.Munro
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 12:51 pm: [report]
@Lexington: Aw, man ....
Guess I’ll just have to catch up on some TV instead.
soulja brookestuh
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 01:01 pm: [report]
@Lexington- The weather will be pretty nice in Texas. Sunny, mid-50’s, that’s typically how winter goes.
I guess I’ve never met a guy who takes Valentines Day that seriously, but I’m sure they’re out there. My guy friends don’t really care and I’ve dated many a guy who doesn’t celebrate the holiday (although, if the GIRL wants to celebrate, I think you should celebrate). A dateless Valentines Day is only depressing if you’ve gone through a recent break up, or are in a bad relationship. If you’re happily single, it’s just another day.
Singularity
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 01:06 pm: [report]
Just another day to me, which I suppose is better than getting really depressed or frustrated about it at least. If I’m lucky, I’ll be working, and if not, then there are about a thousand assorted tasks awaiting me that I need to get on with, so it won’t be an emtpy day. Boring maybe, but not empty…
silvergurl
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 01:10 pm: [report]
oh phil, how you tickle my funny bone.
hahaheeheeSSSSSSSSSSSTOPit!!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 01:19 pm: [report]
@soulja brookestuh: Yeah….but you’re in Texas. Nothing can make up for that.
sue_she
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 03:50 pm: [report]
Not only do I not have a Valentine, but I’ll be working, and I work at an ‘adult’ store. Nine hours of seeing happy, infatuated, and horny couples buying edible underpants for each other. Insult to injury, what?
soulja brookestuh
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 05:28 pm: [report]
@cheese: Haha HEY! I’m in Austin, so that makes up for that. Mild winters, awesome music, gay/hippie/vegan friendly… pretty much the best city ever.
C.Munro
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 05:39 pm: [report]
Heh, if it weren’t for the traffic, the allergies, and the near-impossible job market, I’d be happy to live in Austin forever.
Lexington
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 06:19 pm: [report]
It’ll still be cold (in my book) and cloudy (according to the forecast), hence depressing. Plus I’m grumpy anyways so I’m trying to get everyone on the same page as me.
Luthy
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 09:52 pm: [report]
Cheap candy?! What is this you all speak of? I really should start paying attention to these special days and go out more.
Mochene
wrote on February 9 2010 @ 10:07 pm: [report]
Wow. A calendar date has such a hold over peeps. Brainwashed! I’ll prob be working brunch so no biggie either way. Maybe I’ll bake cookies for everyone since we’ll be in the same boat!
whatshesays
wrote on February 10 2010 @ 01:43 am: [report]
I’m throwing a tropical themed party (Oh Southern California, where this is absolutely appropriate year-round…) in my apartment. Then I’m going to the beach on Sunday, staying there overnight and heading back on Monday morning.
PS it’s all about hershey’s hugs, although while we’re discussing chocolate, the choco taco is going to have to happen this weekend. I can’t handle it anymore.
Dektora
wrote on February 10 2010 @ 08:16 am: [report]
@Dennis Hong: you still have some Christmas chocolates? Wow, respect. Mine were all gone two and a half weeks later, and I think that’s a personal best.
Lexington
wrote on February 10 2010 @ 08:27 am: [report]
And my best friend and I will be pigging out and having a BloodRayne marathon- she’s been hit pretty hard- just broke up with her first long-term boyfriend, the only guy she’s ever been in love with, and he’s moved on already. So I’m doing my best to cheer her up.
danny braciole
wrote on February 10 2010 @ 09:25 am: [report]
I have the same plans as hlnbabe’s friends. I don’t know them personally, but I’ll go out on a limb and assume that I share their (lack of) morals as well.
Immorality is at least a better option than whatever Phil Dotree is selling.
Dennis Duck Dong
wrote on February 10 2010 @ 11:48 am: [report]
@Dektora
Haha, yeah, I’m actually pretty bad about that. I like to buy candy when I see it at the store, but when I get home, I eat two pieces, toss the rest into a drawer in my kitchen… and forget about it.
My girlfriend was craving chocolate once, so she raided the drawer. She was NOT happy when she realized the candy she just took a bite out of had been sitting in there for about a year-and-a-half.
Yeah, Halloween chocolate from 2008? Not so tasty.
Dektora
wrote on February 10 2010 @ 01:05 pm: [report]
@DH: Well I’m awfull in the completly opposide way. I’m like “Ok, it’s the last one for tonight” and close the box and put it away. In drawer in another room. Then I come back half an hour later an eat a handfull more…
I have no will when it comes to chocolate.
And I feel for your girlfriend. Same thing happened to me, actually. I’m sure she’ll double check next time she raids your drawers, haha.
Dennis Duck Dong
wrote on February 10 2010 @ 06:10 pm: [report]
@Dektora: True, but I never complain when I get my drawers raided.
BCofUIMhere
wrote on February 11 2010 @ 07:32 pm: [report]
ROTFLMAO! You guys always crack me up!
@DH: Throw the candy in the freezer - keeps close to forever (or so I’ve been told, I’ve never had it last more than a couple days, maybe I need you as my dealer.
@whatshesays: Have fun! I’m going on a picnic (love SoCal in February!
Dennis Duck Dong
wrote on February 11 2010 @ 11:59 pm: [report]
@BCofUIMhere
I would, but dude, all the freezer space I have is already taken up by much more important things….
Like vodka. And Jaeger.
BCofUIMhere
wrote on February 12 2010 @ 01:36 am: [report]
@DH: Enough of them and the old drawer candy tastes mighty good.
Dennis Duck Dong
wrote on February 12 2010 @ 11:17 am: [report]
@BCof… how the hell do I abbreviate your name?!?
True. But then, that’s just gonna waste the valuable space in my stomach that could otherwise be holding said vodka and Jaeger…. :-p
dsedwards12
wrote on February 12 2010 @ 12:07 pm: [report]
My Valentine’s day will consist of me doing what I do every day… Trying to take over ze WORLD!!
smoke
wrote on February 13 2010 @ 10:05 am: [report]
As a guy, I don’t see the difference between it and any other day. I’ll do whatever I need to do, which seems to involve errands, reading, crime/con and/or dark comedy (my two favorite genres) movies, working my second job or hanging around there, buying 50% off Russell Stover Caramel Hearts cause they’re awesome, and going to a concert with a buddy.
dsedwards12 - not if I can get to it first!
Yodar Critch
wrote on February 16 2010 @ 02:02 pm: [report]
When I was single V-day never even existed. Just another day.
Good to be a guy