What Do You Do If Your Boyfriend Becomes A Smoker?
Posted by: Ali Jawin
Filed in:
relationships
2:30PM, Friday June 12th 2009
My boyfriend just came back from a semester abroad in Paris—and he came back a smoker. I am not a smoker. Never have been, never will be. I couldn’t smoke during high school as I was dancing professionally for an opera company, and by the time I got to college it just didn’t seem like a big deal anymore. Smoking has just never really been on my radar; I know it’s bad for you, obviously, but I don’t feel the need to go protest outside Phillip Morris.
I’ve never dated a smoker because I never liked a guy that did smoke. I am not sure if it’s because I don’t like smokers, or none of the guys I was into happened to smoke, or if there is any difference between the two. Maybe if they had smoked I wouldn’t have been attracted? Impossible to know. All of that has changed now.
My boyfriend and I are living together for the first time…with my parents in an NYC apartment, so it was going to be an interesting summer no matter what. When I went to visit him in Paris he had started smoking, but only occasionally and he said it was just a Paris thing, he wouldn’t do it once he came home. He told me about the cultural significance, how it helped him make friends, and he only smoked one cigarette a few days a week anyway. No biggie.
I didn’t like it back then, but I was in Paris and I was in love. Think of every cliche of young love in the Parisian spring time. We probably made onlookers want to vomit quiche, but I was too happy to care. I didn’t want to rock the boat and ruin our Hollywood moment. At first I said that as long I didn’t see him smoking and he promised to quit before he came home, I could deal with it for the moment. I soon amended the rules to include not kissing until he brushed his teeth. Eventually he was smoking in front of me, but I told myself he was just living a Parisian fantasy. Now that he’s home, that excuse doesn’t work as well.
The question now is what do I do? I’ve realized that I would never start a relationship with a smoker. It’s a disgusting habit that kills you. I won’t bore you with the millions of ways smoking destroys your body, because you probably know them already. The point is, my boyfriend wasn’t a smoker when we started dating. Now he is. I was not prepared for this scenario. I know smokers are made, not born, but I never thought my boyfriend would become a smoker mid-relationship. I never imagined that a boyfriend would become a smoker in his mid-20’s. He doesn’t have the same excuse previous generations do; the cigarette companies lied so people truly didn’t know smoking was bad for them. Well, everyone knows now, which is why I just can’t comprehend why he would start.
Smoking doesn’t just effect the smoker. Anyone heard of second hand smoke? That’s not what actually really gets my fuming. What gets me is that this perfectly healthy man is destroying his body! Admittedly, I have a case of bitter lemons. I could legitimately pass my anger off on that the fact that if we make it through this he is shortening our time on the planet together (no rocking chair or early bird specials for him) or that I am not particularly looking forward to being at his bedside as he dies from lung cancer. These are all reasons I am upset, but I am also jealous.
Not about the smoking part. I maintain that is gross. My specific problem is that I envy his health. I have a serious auto-immune disease. I was even in remission for a few years. It doesn’t really matter so much now, since with a daily load of medicine that would knock out an elephant, I am fine. I come to work every day, run at nights, hangout with friends on the weekends, the usual. Most of the time I feel fine, and with selective memory it is easy to ignore the constant doctors appointments and blood tests. After some really rough years, my body is strong and I am stronger. But it is the memories of the pain, the hospital, the procedures, that makes his choice to smoke particularly offensive to me. My mom wisely pointed out that since the bad years were way before his time, he doesn’t understand why his choice to destroy his perfectly functioning body enrages me. But how do I tell him? How do you make someone understand an experience they have no experience with?
I was thinking about this situation all week, and an article in this morning’s New York Times made me confront him. I showed him the headline “Senate Approves Tight Regulation Over Cigarettes”, but that didn’t seem to faze him. Now I am stumped. It’s nothing so dramatic as he can’t live without cigarettes and I can’t live without him, but he doesn’t want to quit. Where does that leave me?
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majicksand
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 03:01 pm: [report]
I’ve been smoking for 20 years, my fiance for even longer. Yes it’s a terrible habit. My father has unbelievable health problems which were undoubtedly heightened by his smoking. My fiance and I both say we want to quit, but it hasn’t happened yet. He’s not ready, and I know I won’t be able to quit if I have to watch him smoke.
Bottom line, it’s an addiction. Physically, yes, but more mentally than anything. He won’t quit unless HE is ready no matter what you say. Absolutely you should tell him how you feel and why, but don’t be crushed if it doesn’t change anything. Quitting is HARD. Truthfully, he’ll probably promise to quit then sneak cigarettes behind your back. Even if he does try to quit for you, he’ll start back up as soon as you have an argument.
I can honestly say I wish I had never started smoking. I can also tell you that you need to decide if this is a deal-breaker for you. If it isn’t, let it go. If it is, give him the opportunity and the support he needs to quit. If he can’t or won’t, then move on. Once the addiction takes hold, it’s a life-long love/hate affair for most of us. Sad but true :{
Nutmeg
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 03:07 pm: [report]
my ex wife started smoking a year after we were married, which considering she stopped early in our courtship, was a serious issue with me. It negatively impacted my desire for her because of how it disgusted me. It was also during a time she wasn’t working that I felt crappy paying for her addiction. Suffice to say, plenty of arguments.
develange
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 03:14 pm: [report]
sadly, he can only quit for himself. Even if he does “quit,” the temptation is there. For some reason I’ve dated mostly smokers, and while some quit for a few months/a year, they always started again.
My current bf keeps saying he wants to quit, but hasn’t made any effort yet. It IS upsetting thinking what he is doing to his beautiful body, but it has yet to become a dealbreaker.
You can encourage him to quit, tell him how you want him to be healthy, etc, but that’s really it. It’s up to you whether you want to deal with it.
Purple Haze
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 03:37 pm: [report]
I am really sorry. I don’t have any advice more than just letting him know that you can’t bare to see him voluntarily poison himself, and that health is a precious thing.
MichelleS1017
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 04:11 pm: [report]
deal with it. there are bigger things to worry about i think. yes it is very unhealthy, but he is not encouraging you to do it. it’s just his prerogative
MichelleS1017
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 04:13 pm: [report]
however, the situation is much from others’ when it comes to your auto immune disease. sorry
kmatter
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 04:21 pm: [report]
this is just my experience, my boyfriend was a smoker. it was nasty. a few times he was hanging out with his friends, and he would smoke in front of me. then he would get so pissed cuz i wouldn’t kiss him. or, at least not till he had brushed his teeth at least 2 times. i would sit there and count XD. he didn’t like it, but he apparently liked me, so he quit. and we’re still together, 2 years later.
emnemily20
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 04:25 pm: [report]
Alan Carr- “The easy way to quit smoking” I’m at month 2 not one cig after 5 years!
thesirensong
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 05:00 pm: [report]
Yea it’s easy enough to say “I don’t want you to smoke”. If someone wants to be with you bad enough, they’ll make that effort. And if not, well, do you really want to be with someone who’d just dismiss your feelings like that? Sure, quitting is hard, but it’s doable, if you have a good enough reason.
sam04
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 06:23 pm: [report]
It’s a deal breaker for me. I HATE the smell of cigarettes. It repulses me. Plus, as dramatic as this may sound, I don’t want to plan to spend the rest of my life with someone who dies of lung cancer in his 50s.
fallonthecity
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 07:54 pm: [report]
Smoking is a huge glaring deal-breaker for me. I do not want to fall in love with a smoker and end up living in a house that has ash trays and yellow-stained walls. Ew.
SeaWorthy
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 08:05 pm: [report]
Smoking is a deal breaker for me. Bad breath, stinky hair and clothes, lines forming around the lips and that is just the aesthetics. While we all have vices (mine is onion rings), I cannot be with someone who does not care enough about themselves to take care of their heart and their health.
Symian
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 08:41 pm: [report]
In the end it somes down to what you’re willing to deal with. Ask yourself if you can live with the smell on his breath, hair, skin, clothes, furniture, car and anything else that might retain the smell of smoke (think about children if it’s a long term “love” thing). Then ask youself, “Would he leave me if I began a serious and expensive habit that he found revolting?”
Just because you love someone doesn’t mean that you have to put up with everything they do and smoking is a dealbreaker for many people. Choose your battles wisely, and it sounds like this is fight worthy.
DancerNinja
wrote on June 13 2009 @ 07:54 am: [report]
I don’t just see smoking as gross (which it is) and unhealthy (very much so) but also as a character flaw. No one starts smoking because they think it’s good for them. They start to be rebellious or to fit an image (like that of a Parisian). Some claim to start out of stress, but that is part of the cig’s image so I call shenanigans on that. So I also see it as a weakness of character. It’s a trifecta of doom.
wonder_bread
wrote on June 13 2009 @ 08:25 am: [report]
its not just about him though its the second hand smoke if he decides to be bold enough to smoke around u… its ur health to thats at risk… u said that u are better now would u wanna risk the maybe by being aaround someone who is slowly starting to kill himself with something he knows isn’t good him or his body…the off thing about this era is the everyone knows the damage and consequnces of smoking and yet there are still ppl willing to risk addiction and then he fight of trying to quit it.. just odn’t do it in the first place.. the tthought that it cna’t happpen to u makes u a good candidate for it to happen to u..
im not into smokers myself they smell and the longer they do it the worse they look their skin hair teeth just all changes… if he won’t quit then u should leave him.. you shouldn’t settle for something that isn’t what u want in a long lasting relationship.. yes there are bigger problems u could have but if he is addicted that is a long road to go down if he doens’t even wanna stop for himself… all i say is don’t settle for that.. if he wont stop leave him ur health is more important then being someones hero when they kne better in the first place
majicksand
wrote on June 13 2009 @ 09:10 am: [report]
@dancer ninja: Your comment isn’t entirely fair. In the case of the young man in the article, yes, he should know better. I’m guessing he’s in his early 20’s. What about me? I started smoking 21 years ago when I was 15. I knew it was a bad habit, but the long-term consequences were lost on me at the time. All I knew was all my friends were doing it. I felt left out. That may sound stupid, but try to remember being 15. Maybe you consider that a “weakness of character”, but at that age, most kids just want to fit in. Long-term thinking usually doesn’t factor into the equation.
canadiancutie
wrote on June 13 2009 @ 09:39 am: [report]
I have never smoked so much as one joint or cigarette in my entire life. I HATE smoking. (Having said that, your experience with the auto immune disease makes me feel like I am less justified in being adamant and disgusted by this habit than you are). I recently fell in love with a “light” smoker. Smoking has ended relationships I’ve had before so that I was and am reluctant to date smokers, but in this scenario, I feel conflicted. He can go hours without smoking, and he never lights up inside. In his case I think it is more of a mental addiction. I know that he works outside with construction workers as a supervisor, and when everyone around you smokes, I dunno, maybe the pressure is there. Having said THAT, I’ve been surrounded by smokers before (it’s called high school), and never did it myself so I don’t get his need to follow the herd.
Smoking is a very difficult issue when it comes up in relationships. Ultimately, I think it’s a core issue of compatibility and values. Smokers and nonsmokers very often do not work out. I’ve even read that their divorce rate is higher.
Britrz
wrote on June 13 2009 @ 02:33 pm: [report]
Though my past boyfriend and I had an agreement that if either of us started smoking it would be the end, that was obviously not a rule in your relationship. I’m assuming it is the health and physical risks that you are worried and not so much about the addictive properties, so there might be a solution. I just recently heard about them, but there are electronic cigarettes that have the nicotine in them without the carcinogens, and they do not produce smoke (they produce water vapor). If he does not want to quit straight out, this might be a compromise or at least something to try.
canadiancutie
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 11:40 am: [report]
SeaWorthy, I worry about the aesthetic issues too. If it DOES last, such a lifestyle choice is bound to catch up with you, looks-wise. My boyfriend is quite blonde and doesn’t exactly have the most resilient skin under the sun… I can already see the prune-face creeping in where his smile lines are :(
Gingee
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 12:19 am: [report]
Leave him.
It’s that simple. BF can choose to place your well-being at the front of the line, or he can choose his cancer sticks, and in addition to all that goes with that:
The odor, the stained skin, the increased risk of diseases, the cost, and has he considered that smoking is a leading cause of impotence, YOU get to deal with the sore throats (if the smoke bothers you), sinus headaches, a lowered immune system, and all other health-related issues that come with smoking.
Sorry to sound so mean, but the earlier poster has it nailed:
This IS a Deal Breaker.
Either your happiness is as essential to him as it is to you, or it is not essential.
Gingee
betty123
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 06:49 am: [report]
Um he went for a SEMESTER abroad and started smoking. What is that like 4 months? I really don’t think that he would have developed a hard core habit in that period of time. So if he can’t quit after his little Parisian fantasy, then he doesn’t want to quit. Period.
joyy
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 08:08 am: [report]
If it’s a dealbreaker for you, give the guy at least one solid chance to quit (if he’s interested in it). He’s not going to unless he wants to, of course, but with your history of autoimmune stuff and the rising cost of cigs these days, it may not be as hard a sell as you think.
If he’s more attached to his smokes than he is to you, then I would take Gingee’s advice and leave. But if he’s living with you AND your parents, something tells me he’s pretty invested in staying with you. That living/health situation alone should be enough of a controlled environment at home that at the very least, enforcing rules about where smoking is ok and not ok should be a lot easier.
Whatever you do, talk to him about it and find out how he feels. Does he want to quit but just has trouble because he really likes smoking and/or is addicted? (<- a lot of people’s situation) or does he really plan to smoke for the rest of his life? Would he be interested in trying a rx to help him quit? Feel it out, reevaluate, and never, ever be subtle in this type of conversation. That #&@$% is lost on most men to begin with, and when you have the pathology of addiction working against you, you can’t afford to hope he gets hints.
Good luck!
subpar
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 12:13 pm: [report]
I quit for a boyfriend once and was resentful torwards him for awhile. Then I started sneaking behind his back, then we broke up and I was back in full swing again. I was NOT ready to quit, I’d started smoking when I was 14 and was quite addicted. He also never acknowledged that this was something that took a ton of effort on my part. Once we split, I realized that if I was going to quit, it had to be because I wanted to, not for someone else. I quit again a few months ago (for myself) and haven’t been back.
Not to defend smoking, but telling someone you’re in a relationship with that you want them to quit can feel like you’re not accepting them, you’re trying to “change” them, or you don’t understand them. I was really resentful the whole time I wasn’t smoking with my ex. Then again, I was a smoker when we met, so the situation is a little different. If you want to make this work and think he might make the effort, tread lightly. You don’t want him to become defensive. If the smoking continues to be an issue, you may just need to end it.
Raugiel
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 01:09 pm: [report]
To Cannadiancutie:
I, unfortunatly, have been a regular smoker for over 7 years (after quitting for 2 years, and then restarting), and have to say that just because a person can go a while without a cigarette for hours does not make them a “light” smoker or less addicted. I can go for 6-10 hours without looking stressed depending on the situation I am in (obviouly in a non-stressful situation I can resist the urge longer). But, truth be told I still have to have one in the morning, and if I go too long, everyone notices that I am crabby.
That said, do what your heart and mind tell you with the guy you are seeing. Just remember that addiction is addiction, no matter how “light”, and if you start hearing excuses, do what you did with the other smokers.
Perceptible
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 01:25 pm: [report]
Dump. His. Ass.
Now.
Perceptible
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 01:28 pm: [report]
@DancerNinja: Very well said. I wholeheartedly agree.
Anna Banana
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 04:40 pm: [report]
For me, smoking is a deal-breaker. I grew up with a chain-smoking dad and it was disgusting. I vowed I would never date or marry a guy who smoked. Because as you know, boyfriends can turn into husbands, and pretty soon you’re dealing with living with a smoker, and all the smelly, disgusting, health-endangering things that go along with it. And then you have to worry about him smoking around your kids, or what kind of example he is setting for them. I may be getting ahead of myself here, but it’s good to have some foresight.
If a guy I was dating started smoking, I would break up with him, telling him we can resume the relationship if he decides to quit (which he must do on his own, for himself, not just to impress me). That may seem harsh, but that’s the way I feel. Smoking is a hard addiction to break, and I’m not going to hang on to a boyfriend with the hopes that he may quit.
largemarge
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 06:25 pm: [report]
1. I am one of your best friends. Why did I find this out on a blog?
2. Easy solution—I will make him quit. Next semester. In Greek. Where I will dominate him.
Ali Jawin
wrote on June 19 2009 @ 07:28 am: [report]
@largemarge: haha, read my Blogosphere Privacy Bill of Rights. I was trying to protect his privacy and thought that people we both knew only read what I posted on facebook. You are not only a loyal reader but a great researcher! I am seriously you found this. Your summer boss is soooooo lucky to have you!!!
the witching well
wrote on June 20 2009 @ 07:25 am: [report]
Ali, I’m a smoker who enjoys her smoking very, very much. As such, let me tell you that I do not think that smokers should EVER get involved with a non-smoker.
We’re just too different. It’s not that non-smokers are bad people, it’s just that their non-smoking indicates the base of a very LARGE iceberg of difference between the two types of people—smokers and non-smokers.
Non-smokers cling to their lives with an untempered, fevered passion for personal safety! This inundates every aspect of their lives, which makes them unadventurous folk who hate every risky thing life serves up.
In the end, both smokers and non-smokers get their reward for living, which is death. It doesn’t really matter when or where, because death is just a fact of life. What DOES matter is the way one lives BEFORE one dies, and in this, smokers and non-smokers are completely different in their levels of openness to risk adventure and be open to new experiences.
There are incredible, real differences between smokers and non-smokers. If you are a non-smoker, you should embrace that, Ali, and realize that you will not be able to be a good partner to your smoker, because you will always be holding him back, or sulkily carrying on about petty matters because YOU see these picayune details, whereas he is concentrating on the big picture, or at least, I assure you, a different picture from one you will ever, ever see.
You are very different types of people, as is indicated in your personal habits—smoking being a personal habit.
You would only be unhappy together, because you would drag him down in small ways that become burdensome and dreadful over time. And he would never be the man you seem to want, which is a man who clings like crazy to his personal safety out of a peculiar sense that one can control the entire life we lead.
Which, to smokers, is just a piece of endearing, childish whimsy which we politely indulge in the people we love, because we sense that they are heavily invested in their sense of control, and it means a lot to them. But in the end, we know darn well that the only things you can count on in this world to occur are death, and taxes.
As a smoker, I advise you to break up now. Your boyfriend needs to find a different kind of girl than you are at heart. And you need to find a different guy who will make you happy in the lifestyle you choose to embrace. Smoking is an indication of real philosophical differences between people. I’ve been there! It means a lot. Take it very seriously.
majicksand
wrote on June 20 2009 @ 08:35 am: [report]
@witching well: Respectfully, I disagree. I have been a smoker for 21 years, so I know where you’re coming from. It has been my experience, however, that smokers tend to be less active/adventurous. We get winded a lot easier than non-smokers. I personally love outdoor activity, but I admit it would be easier if I didn’t smoke. My brother has never been a smoker, and he’s one of the most adventurous people I know. He’s always running off somewhere windsurfing, mountain biking, snorkeling… whatever. My point is I know many people who refused to even try a cigarette in high school because it would get in the way of their adventurous lives.
I love to smoke as much as I hate that I do. Realistically, we all know that we’re gonna die eventually. You are right in that HOW you live is the important part. As a confirmed smoker, I am willing to admit that my quality of life would be better without this nasty habit. Far from bringing the smokers down, non-smokers have a definite advantage. Sadly, we smokers have no one to blame but ourselves.
One side note… I do despise the “health nut” crowd. You know, the ones who look down their noses at anyone who doesn’t obsess about organic food and yoga. One poster on another thread even insinuated that those of us who have more than one child are more selfish than she is because our “carbon footprint” is higher. Yeah, okay, extremists get on my nerves regardless of what they are extreme about.
CatGoesNomNom
wrote on June 20 2009 @ 09:02 am: [report]
@witchingwell: You represent the small percentage of smokers who piss off everyone. As a non smoker, in no way do I insist that everyone else should be as well; it is your body and you have the right to do as you please. And as a former smoker, I know that smoking for many people is very pleasureable. It’s when you smokers INSIST on pushing it on everyone else, i.e. get mad and defiant when you are told to stay away from entrances, and instead choose to blow your smoke into the faces of everyone who comes in and out.
Yes, life is short and we all die, so why not live it up while we are here? You are forgetting about QUALITY OF LIFE. My mother died of throat cancer at 37, and she had smoked 3 packs a day. Her death was horrid actually- the tumor ate away at her from the inside until she couldn’t eat or drink. Yeah, what an enjoyable risk she took, huh? Again, no one wants to tell you how to live your life, but PLEASE don’t tell me I’m boring or won’t take risks because I want to enjoy life instead of coughing up blood and lung tissue daily. And while I respect your desire to smoke, I don’t think its fair to put my health at risk by being around a partner who smokes.
likeOMGkbye
wrote on June 20 2009 @ 09:07 am: [report]
I have to disagree that non-smokers are less adventurous OR that everyone who doesn’t smoke is a health freak. Some people just don’t get the urge to smoke. There are plenty of people who have never smoked a cigarette but eat nothing but pizza and cheeseburgers.
There are also plenty of people who don’t smoke but go sky diving. Someone doesn’t smoke and therefore they have no sense of adventure? Thats ridiculous.
the witching well
wrote on June 20 2009 @ 12:24 pm: [report]
Hi folks! Please understand that if you asked me, “Should I smoke?”—I’d tell you, “No. You should not smoke. It’s bad for you.” Who could advocate smoking? None of us do. Yet, some of us still smoke, and we smoke for whatever reason, which all comes down to the bottom line, “Because we choose to.” Heinous to you, probably, I understand that. Which is why I say that smokers probably will NOT ever relate successfully to non-smokers.
You misunderstand me when you think that I think that smoking equates with doing extreme sports or going on extreme vacations. Extreme things like that are little compartments of disorder carefully scheduled out of a usually well-ordered life! This is so not me.
Think of risk in a metaphorical sense. I think more of what I was trying to say is: You see an order in the universe where you think you can cover your life with some sort of security that, bottom line? I don’t see when I look at the universe. I love the universe though. I don’t really care what it’s like—I just love it and am a resonating part of it. I’m very momentary, which may be a character flaw of mine. Good moments are my thing. I savor them.
I hope you do get your level of control, though! I want you to be happy and whatever you think of as successful. In the end, I think we smokers have some odd and probably totally silly sense of serendipity running like a thread through our universe, seeing it like a ridiculous foolish game of musical chairs more than in a sense of righteous or rigid linear self-improvement.
Obviously, smokers are not particularly self-improving people.
Though we have our moments, we’re obviously willing to make some real intellectual concessions to the creed, and do things of which established insurance companies sincerely disapprove.
Established insurance companies are ordered, rigid, judgmental, and condemning of such small things. Living forever is their creed. Being safe 100% of the time is their God. I loathe them. As far as I can see, they take a lot of fun out of life, like regulating away the riding stables of my youth! As well as being incredibly nosy buttinskys into my personal business with their forms and their tireless regulating. Did I ask for help?
I am happy with live and let live. Believe me, I have absolutely NO interest in sticking my nose into somebody else’s life or life choices. As far as I see it? You have every right to make your own choices, and listen to your own voices! God bless you!
fallonthecity
wrote on June 20 2009 @ 12:55 pm: [report]
@the witching well: I was a smoker in college. Maybe you’re right that there is a fundamental difference in habitual smokers and non-smokers. The reason I quit was because I actually stopped being able to smell or taste much of anything. I don’t think I’ve changed since then, except that I don’t really know what to do with my hands when I’m sitting at a bar, anymore. So I don’t know that your claims of non-smokers being ordered and controlled while smokers are more care-free are true. People smoke to alleviate stress, people smoke to fit in with a certain crowd—but I don’t think it’s necessarily true that a non-smoker will eventually bring a smoker down until they are miserable and unhappy. Rather, they might bring each other down equally—the smoker resenting the non-smoker criticizing his habits and pleasures, and the non-smoker suffering the stink of tobacco and resenting all the money being funneled down the drain. I don’t know that it’s anything deeper or more philosophical than that, especially since the author explains that the smoking is a recent addition to his lifestyle—if he’s only been doing it for a few months, can it ingrain itself so deeply into his personal philosophies?
PinkRanger
wrote on June 20 2009 @ 01:46 pm: [report]
first off, there all different types of smokers and non-smokers, and there isn’t a single generalization that can be made about either group except one smokes, one doesn’t. There are some pretty ridiculous claims being made about them lol.
Ali, you should just talk to him, calmly and politely
, about all of the concerns you have told us about and decide what to do from there. I’m not sure any of us know enough about your relationship to say “break up with him!!”, and it sounds to me like thats not what you want.
Giving people ultimatums NEVER pans out well! Just make sure he knows that you love him, and this is a matter that distracts you from all the wonderful emotions you feel for him!
canadiancutie
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 06:08 am: [report]
Raugiel, I’m afraid you may be right:( I had the misfortune of being trapped in a car with said boyfriend when he’d gone one too many hours without a cigarette. He wanted to light up in the car, and insisted he’d roll the windows down. I refused. I thought he might crash and kill us both.
joyy
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 07:45 am: [report]
@thewitchingwell - welcome to an exercise in the dangers of making super broad, non-evidence-based generalizations.
Also, it’s going to be a tough sell that “You misunderstand me when you think that I think that smoking equates with doing extreme sports or going on extreme vacations. Extreme things like that are little compartments of disorder carefully scheduled out of a usually well-ordered life! This is so not me. ” when you originally spouted off about how “Non-smokers cling to their lives with an untempered, fevered passion for personal safety! This inundates every aspect of their lives, which makes them unadventurous folk who hate every risky thing life serves up.”
Know why? I smoked for years. Then I quit after I graduated college and moved in with my bf. It was very easy for me, I lucked out and somehow didn’t develop much of an actual addiction to nicotine. Anyways, I still smoke at least once a week, and I absolutely take pleasure in smoking, but I am an “ordered soul” of the ordered v. chaotic theory. My risk taking is usually fairly calculated and scheduled (buying property, moving across the country/in with my bf, rock climbing, etc), and my bf is a chaotic type so I’m pretty familiar with the differences there.
Ali Jawin
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 10:48 am: [report]
An update: after a serious discussion my boyfriend did quit. It was a very intense conversation, but after a lot of thought I realized smoking was a deal breaker for me. Once I knew this I knew it wasn’t right not to tell him. I might have kept my mouth shut for a little while, but his continued smoking would slowly kill our relationship. In the spirit of honesty I gave him the choice: smoking or me. Of course he wasn’t thrilled about it and doesn’t entirely understand why I so strongly object to it, but he was willing to give it up.
I wouldn’t say it’s a joke yet, but is getting to be something we tease each other about. I think what I learned from this debacle was the importance of honesty. I had to be honest with myself a that I couldn’t accept smoking, and brave enough to bring up the issue of splitting if he didn’t quit.
Luckily we resolved our issues before he read this post!
jackofhearts
wrote on September 1 2009 @ 06:50 am: [report]
I’m a smoker, have been since I was 17. I take occasional months off, but always end back up on it.
In my mind there is only one difference between smokers and non-smokers: smokers are addicts.
I simply can’t buy into the philosophy that smokers are more free-spirited and have a more realistic idea of life ie that it’s uncontrollable and ends in death so why not have fun. I call this the ‘might get hit by a truck tomorrow’ philosophy.
.. I would ask The Witching Well if she looks left and right before crossing the road. Sure, you might get hit by a truck one day, but I’m pretty sure you still look left and right to minimise that risk.
If people want to smoke that’s their choice. But I do think smokers have to realise that they are addicted.
And as for those people who boast about ‘only’ smoking two or three times a week. If you enjoy it, why not smoke more? If you don’t, why not stop?
I’m not judging (I’m in no position!!), just pointing out some gappy logic.