What Are Your “Rules” For Dating?
Posted by: Leonora Epstein
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Tuesday June 9th 2009
I recently got a call from my best friend’s 18-year-old brother: “Uh hey, Leo, uh, so I like have this date with a girl, and it’s kind of my first date. And, my sister says you know the rules.” Oh no.
Did I know the rules? I wasn’t sure, but I did my best to answer his questions like could he kiss her (yes), and did he have to pay (yes).
I have certainly dated a lot over the past two years, and until recently thought I was fairly proficient in the subject. After recently coming out of a romance that left me devastated, I’ve reluctantly started dating again, but found my skills have suffered. Especially when last week, I was astonished to find myself on an excellent first rendez-vous. I wanted to contact him after, but felt “the rules” weighing over me that said I wasn’t allowed to. But this is the modern age! Women should do what they want. What if this one time is an exception? Maybe he’s expecting you to get in touch…
The frustrating thing was feeling like I wanted to do whatever the hell I wanted, but having a hunch it wouldn’t end well. And at the same time, feeling like playing the game and keeping silent was just as frustrating, because it required passivity. I started to wonder what my rules really were, and if they were worth following. So, I asked some guys and girls about their dating protocols. They border on the traditional, but have given me some insight on how to proceed. Which is: DON’T.
Check out their answers, and leave your own advice in the comments below!
WOMEN:
Do not call, text or email the guy for the first few dates. I think most of the time it defuses the intensity of the sexual chase.
If I really like a dude and desperately want to see him again, I’ll contact him within 2-3 days of our first date. I’ll write an email or text (depending on which mode of communication we gave each other). Realistically I feel like I should abide by the “wait for him to contact you first” or “give it another few days” mentality, but I never do. However, I never call. That’s too pushy.
I don’t call or text unless I am returning a message. Regardless of how modern day has changed things between sexes, hunting is as old as time.
If I like someone and had a good time, I will totally text them or email them that I had a nice time and would like to do it again. I will also ask dudes out, especially if they asked me out the first time. If a guy considers this as being “too forward,” then he’s a douche and not the one for me.
When a guy is interested in you, he’ll let you know. He won’t wait a predetermined number of days to call or text. It may be a little more accurate to say that if I did have a spectacular date, and he didn’t get in touch with me for several days, I’d KNOW that it likely had no long term potential, but I would probably accept another offer just for recreational purposes.
It is not the “responsibility” of the guy to get in touch, but you must let him. Men need to feel like they are in control of a situation.
MEN:
Kiss early. If a girl rejects my first kiss, it probably just means “not now” not “not ever.” (Frisky Editors: Uh, really? We think rejecting any kiss is a flat out “not ever.”) I don’t feel the need to wait a certain number of days between contact or dates. I do whatever feels good. As the man, I assume that it is ALWAYS my job to initiate and plan the second date. That being said, any woman who has unique date ideas and her own social calendar is VERY attractive to me.
If I don’t text, it probably means I’m busy until I do. Or, after a few days, I’m not interested.
I have had successes and failures with both methods, waiting and calling the next day. General rule of thumb is to always wait at least one full day to let it sink in. Anything after three days spells trouble. In my opinion, the girl will start asking herself, “Why didn’t he call before?”
If a girl initiates contact before me, I’m usually intimidated because it forces me to consider what I think about the whole thing. (Frisky Editors: Typical male laziness! You can’t even create time to think about how you feel!) I would like more girls to do follow-ups, but it doesn’t quite work that way.
After a good first date I definitely thank the girl via text or email either while she’s on her way home or the following morning. If I don’t, it definitely means I’m not that into her. The second date is still the guy’s responsibility.
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Eye Linder
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 11:21 am: [report]
I don’t really think of this as a “Rule,” but more of good advice for not looking creepy. Of course, perhaps I’m an exception because the very night I met my current significant other, I drunk dialed him at 2AM. 8 months later, things are going strong! Moral of the story? If he seems interested, creep away! If not, refer to VH1’s Tough Love.
delovely
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 11:57 am: [report]
I don’t usually kiss on the first day, so sometimes it is just a “not now” sort of thing.
PinkRanger
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 12:12 pm: [report]
Every dating rule I’ve ever made for myself I’ve broken lol. The relationship I’m in now broke every single one haha, and its possibly the best things that’s ever happened to me! Every couple is different and you just gotta judge what to do by each circumstance!
Riley
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 12:31 pm: [report]
“Rules” are for people that don’t think for themselves. Do whatever feels right, you know when you are being creepy - whether you admit it or not.
elizabethmarley
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 12:36 pm: [report]
My only rule: If you really like a guy, you will MAKE A PHONE CALL. No hiding behind emails or texts ever. However, if I’m nervous I’ll usually start the conversation with something like, “Hey, I just had a few free minutes between appointments and wanted to let you know I had a really great time. Can we do it again soon?”
VsegdaOdna
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 01:04 pm: [report]
I have different rules for every guy Ive dated. I just go with my gut instinct of what’s right for that particular situation. With my last boyfriend, I rejected 3 kiss attempts before I let it happen.
sadie
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 01:28 pm: [report]
This is 2009. If you want a guy, call him and ask him out. In my experience guys are flattered by it. If a guy actually thinks asking out and calling is solely the right of a man, then he’s probably not someone you want to date any way. And yes, I asked for my husband’s number when we first met and I called him and I asked him out.
When I was single there were 2 things that would make me run for the hills:
- a guy who has nothing nice to say about his mother
- a guy who has nothing nice to say about any of his ex-girlfriends.
If he hates all his exes and/or his mom, he probably has issues with women in general and he is going to be trouble.
reanerbean
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 01:52 pm: [report]
I texted my current fiance 2-3 days after our first date to ask him if he wanted to walk my dog in the park. He said yes, and, well, we’re getting married in October. Honestly, I’m sure it depends on the guy.
ot2b2009
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 02:28 pm: [report]
Riley—I agree wholeheartedly!
The only rule that I have for my dating life is that I refuse to play games. If I have to pretend to be something that I’m not, just for the sake of a guy, he’s not the one for me. It’s just that obvious!
Beckimudd
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 04:18 pm: [report]
Forget the rules! This is 2009, come on! Do what you feel is right, but do what you feel is not too pushy or crazy. Make your own rules.
EarthGoddess
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 04:37 pm: [report]
Thank God I’m married and don’t have to worry about this anymore ... I’m sure I’d fail miserably if I had to date again. The last time I was single, I was 15 ... I’m sure the “rules” I had then would definitely not apply now that I’m nearly 30. I admire all you 20somethings and 30somethings out there in the dating jungle. Godspeed, girls!
sam04
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 05:25 pm: [report]
The concept of dating seems really overwhelming to me. I was in a serious relationship for the first five years of my 20s and we never really dated so much as just kinda jumped on board. I suppose I dated in high school, but that doesn’t count. I’ve been single almost six months now and it’s… bizarre.
snap
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 05:54 pm: [report]
a rejected first kiss is DEFINITELY a “not now” rather than a “not ever.” i always reject guys’ first advances, it’s almost like a knee-jerk reaction: i’m too shy, too nervous, not quite ready yet, etc., etc., etc. plus, i love (mildly!) aggressive men. i like to be pursued, and nothing excites me more than a cute and persistent boy!
Isabela Laval
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 06:05 pm: [report]
1. I tell guys to ask me out by calling me, not texting me.
2. After the first few dates, I force myself to not contact him. No calls, no emails, nothing. Guys are funny creatures that love the thrill of the chase.
3. I never go out with the same guy 2 days in a row. Gotta keep them in rotation!
Fla_girl
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 06:59 pm: [report]
One rule, this is LIFE there are no rules. I let my gut tell me what is right or wrong for that situation.
Titi
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 08:01 pm: [report]
@Riley: Hell yes. Right on.
Games are for children, not adults.
pornqueen
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 02:12 pm: [report]
I usually go with my gut instinct. Not always a fool proof method. I always let the guy chase a bit. I usually know if I’m going to get sexual with the guy even before he does, so I’ll let him chase, if no chasing occurs then I’ll try ONCE(text, call or e-mail) if no response then I move on. Can’t sit around waiting. Not very patient.
Linz
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 11:21 pm: [report]
My main rule is: if you are trying to ask me out, you need to ask me out. Otherwise, I’m just hangin with a friend. “I’m bored, wanna hang out,” is NOT asking me out. “Want to go out/can I take you out on Thursday night” is asking me out. I may say yes to the former, but if you try to kiss me you will likely be denied because I will not get it. Texting is NEVER asking me out.
I LOVE a call the next day!
And if a guy likes you, he will let you know he likes you. Guys aren’t that subtle…and they shouldn’t be.
bethylane
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 07:37 am: [report]
This is a good topic. I like knowing that so many other women aren’t afraid to call. I made the mistake one time, however, of calling/texting a guy WAY too often, and I paid for it and got hurt big time.
My current loverboy and I have been on dates but lately when we wee each other, all we do is kick it at his place with our group of friends playing games, watching baseball, and eventually we usually disappear upstairs for The Frisky and I stay over. When we wake up, he usually gets us both breakfast. In my mind, this does not count as a date.
Also, he hasn’t taken me out on a date in a while. I’m a little “Meh” about it. I dropped a hint about a restaurant that I love, but it may have been too subtle.
I love spending time with him and his friends and we get along really well—I just don’t want our budding relationship to get boring before it gets going. It’s perfectly fine and normal for me to want to still feel special, right? We get along great and have a blast together—doesn’t he ever want to go out with just me?
Am I setting a bad routine by chilling with him and his friends too often?
Any advice?
ugh.
bethylane
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 07:43 am: [report]
hahaha, I meant “lately when we see each other” not “wee each other” !!! oh geez!
Darwin
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 05:14 pm: [report]
There’s only rule to follow… figure out what women you are compatible with and court accordingly. For instance, the editors think that “no”, like a diamond, is forever. I find that to be unFrisky! And Rude!!! If you can’t ever see yourself kissing a guy then don’t accept his invitation. Guys don’t ask girls out because we have a fear of eating alone.
Delovely never kisses on a first day, but she seems open to it on day 2… or later My girlfriend for my freshman and sophomore years felt the same way. Our 1st date was awesome, but then she didn’t kiss me. I thought she didn’t like me, so I didn’t pursue. Then she kept conveniently running into me and talking to me for hours and I finally got the hint and asked her out again.
Um No, who sometimes means Um yes , likes (mildly) aggressive guys. I just got married to a woman with the same taste. We fit like hand and glove.
Isabela has more crazy rules than a cricket game. Rotating guys is something a baseball coach would do, not a potential girlfriend. Most guys would really be turned off by this behavior… when they find out.
And Linz likes it direct, but I grew up in “Charm” city so I’m more polite than forward.
elpee
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 05:56 pm: [report]
the rule i have set for myself is to not reveal too much info on the first date. (ex. guys don’t want to hear about about “shower belly” - when I rub soap in circles on my belly in the shower and then draw on it. i am usually drunk when i admit this.) but i honestly can’t stop. it’s just who i am. take me, baby. or leave me.
has anyone read the rules? (http://www.amazon.com/Rules-Time-Tested-Secrets-Capturing-Heart/dp/0446602744) that ‘90s book that was on Oprah written by those two chicks that eventually got divorced? i recently read it as a joke, assuming that i would have broken every single rule in the book repeatedly. not so. each rule fell into two camps: one that i did the exact opposite of (don’t talk too much) and stuff that I actually did (don’t call him and rarely return his calls). the stuff I got right though, wasn’t because i’m a “rules girl” it’s because I’m an #&@$%.
A few of the best rules (direct quotations from the book):
-Remember, overweight is not The Rules.
-Don’t sit in your room alone on Friday and Saturday nights reading Jean-Paul Sartre.
-Don’t go away with a man for a week. Save it for your honeymoon! You might act too wifey—telling him to watch his fat intake or giving him advice about a family or business problem.
i pretty much consider it a must read.
solo92
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 03:14 pm: [report]
I think this is a very good topic. Guys and girls a like should know what the “Rules” are in some cases.
Texting/Calling after the first date is good, it means that you had a good time, and you really enjoy the person. It gives you a chance to express your thoughts too. I texted my partner after our first date, and we’re still together. I don’t think kissing on the first date is good. It took me two months to finally be able to kiss my ex, I am really shy though. So I have a reason. A kiss can really ruin the first date, because some people judge how well you kiss. Guys, if you kiss a girl the first date, you just opened yourself for judgment. If she thinks you suck, she won’t call or text you after that day.
Girls, your going too fast. A kiss is like saying, you want more, and it will make you crumble, your guard will be let down and you will get taken advantage of by that date. Once a guy knows your guard is down, he’ll go for more.
I do have a couple rules of my own, though simple really. I have just recently gone through a rough relationship and gotten out battered and bruised, but they stay the same. My rules are usually:
-Don’t cheat or lie
-Fair is fair, you do something, I can do it too!
-Don’t do something you wouldn’t want me doing
Why should you lie? It only makes things worse. I never lie to my partner because I know I only get into it deeper in the end, if I do. And lying about things won’t help. I think it’s best to just come out with something your hiding than to keep it in and fret about it all the while your trying to hide.
I never cheat on my partner, it’s immoral and completely wrong. I am the jealous type, I will get jealous if he spends more time with his friends than me, but I won’t say anything unless I feel it’s getting out of hand. I don’t care if he goes out and hangs with his friends, but I’d like to go along sometimes too, you know?
Guys tend to think they will get into trouble if they tell the truth, so the hide things. Just tell them straight out front, on your first date, tell them they can tell you anything, that you won’t be mad if they are just honest up front.
bethylane
wrote on June 15 2009 @ 10:23 am: [report]
OK, I’m realizing that my guy is slacking off on this dating department, and I am aware of another “rule” of mine: No slacking off!
I’ve been seeing this guy for 3 months and after about 1.5, we’ve fallen into the rut of just “hanging out” all the time—with our friends or alone, we’re always at his place SITTING AROUND, watching TV, etc., and no I do not consider Morning-After Brunch a “date”.
Can somebody help me out and tell me how I can, in a subtle way, drop the hint that I’m completely bored with the routine and that I want to feel just a little -special-? If he doesn’t get it, I’m going to have to consider his behavior a dealbreaker.