Us Weekly Helps You Drop Weight Like A Star!
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
celebs
12:00PM, Wednesday December 31st 2008
Hey look! It’s my least favorite issue of Us Weekly—“2009 Diets That Work!”! That is, CELEB diets that work—all of the diets, workout plans, and “weight loss tricks” are ones that have worked for big money stars like Jennifer Aniston (such a fatty before, RIGHT?), Britney Spears, and Beyonce. And by the way, only women are featured in the “28 page bonus” section (ZOMG, I am tots getting my $3.99 worth). Sure, the vast majority of Us‘s readers are female, and presenting the perfectly perfect bodies of celebs is supposed to be aspirational, but c’mon. Gimme a few male chubsters who lost some weight and how they did it—like Horatio Sanz and Seth Rogan. I want to know how those guys—who were truly overweight—lost the lard.
Six Celebrity Diets That Work:
1. DON’T SPLURGE: Just look at Jennifer Aniston. “She might have a bit of guacamole, but that’s it!”
2. SCREW THE “RECOMMENDED” DAILY AMOUNT OF CALORIES: Britney Spears didn’t go from grotesque whale to super svelte by listening to the FDA. She opts for 1,100- to 1,200-calorie-a-day delivered meals.
3. LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SAY, “MY BUTT IS THE SIZE OF A HOUSE”: Even if you’re only a size six. Anne Hathaway did it, then took up pilates, and now she might be nominated for an Oscar!
4. GET A NANNY, WORK OUT FOR TWO HOURS A DAY: Want super long, lean legs like Gwyneth Paltrow. Send the kids off with a nanny or your snaggle-toothed husband and work out for two hours minimum everyday.
5. GO VEGAN, GO BORING: At least, that’s the way to do it on the “Skinny Bitch” diet, followed by Natalie Portman, Lake Bell, and Pamela Anderson. You also may want to chain yourself to your hemp couch though, as you literally cannot ingest anything besides soy, nuts and seeds, fruits, and veggies. No alcohol, no coffee, no dairy, no fun. (Note to our vegan readers: I’m not dogging on veganism in general, just the “Skinny Bitch” method of veganism.)
6. WASTE FOOD: When you go out to eat, throw away half of what’s on your plate. That’s how Ricki Lake has kept off her “Hairspray”-era poundage.
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Simcha
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 12:09 pm: [report]
I miss Beyonce’s thighs….
vanya
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 12:51 pm: [report]
Thanks for the clarification - I thought the Skinny Bitch diet consisted only of coffee and cocaine. Sounds like it’s been revamped since the 80’s, lol.
par3
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 02:32 pm: [report]
skinny bitch angered a lot of vegans, a whole lot.
fallenangel915
wrote on January 3 2009 @ 02:23 am: [report]
Okay, I’m sorry, but that pic of Britney looks Photoshopped to the 1000th power. That doesn’t even look like her. I know she did lose a lot of weight and looks a lot better, but that pic gives her no credit at all because it looks fake.
And I also agree with Simcha about Beyonce’s thighs…
isolde
wrote on January 3 2009 @ 03:15 pm: [report]
Re: Britney, if genetically predisposed, it’s not hard to lose weight when you’re in your 20s. I used to be able to walk a mile 4x a week for 2-3 weeks and drop a whole size without changing diet. Gets harder in your 30s. Maintaining is the trick, too, not just losing.
Chelle
wrote on January 4 2009 @ 09:43 am: [report]
Throw away food when there’s people starving all over the world?! Apparently she’s never heard of a doggy bag.
DidSheReallyGoThere
wrote on January 4 2009 @ 08:26 pm: [report]
Well, I get a lot of flack from folks who can’t stand the fact that at almost 30 with 2 kids, I weigh 120 pounds. It’s annoying to have to endure every bite of cake I eat being scrutinized by a table full of salad eaters who spit “You’re so skinny!”. Forget going shopping together. Summertime? Lonelier yet! There’s no ‘cosmic mystery’ contained in the element of MODERATION! Water, fruit, and vegetables are fairly affordable. Walking regularly (not just to and from the kitchen) regulates the metabolism AND tones muscles. Anyway….it’s time to give the thin folks a break already!