“True Blood” Recap: Eric’s Makeover, Sookie’s Bull-Headed Attacker, & Jessica’s Romance

Last night’s episode of “True Blood” was fantastic—we finally found out whether or not Lafayette had been turned into a vampire, Sookie was attacked by some weird creature that left her with gnarly claw marks down her back, and a romance blossomed between new vampire Jessica and adorable local gentleman, Hoyt. Mary Anne also had another icky orgy party, we got to see Tara’s new boyfriend’s rockin’ abs, and we fully began to appreciate Eric the Vampire’s David Beckham-esque makeover. Even though there weren’t any Sookie/Bill sex scenes, this was still the best episode of Season 2. More gushing, and some questions, after the jump…

When we last were in Bon Temps, Sookie and Bill were in a big ol’ fight because Sookie “undermined” Bill’s “authoritah” (anyone notice he says it like Cartman on “South Park”?) by bringing Jessica to see her family, who she then tried to attack. At the beginning of last night’s episode, Sookie stormed off in a huff and was attacked by this super bizarre creature that had the head of a bull, but walked on two legs like a human. Bill’s blood didn’t heal her as usual—I love, by the way, the way it sounds like flesh in tearing when Bill bites his wrist—so he took her to Erik, who called in a doctor who doesn’t mind working with vampires because, I think, she gets access to their super healing vampire blood. Eric, by the way, really has upped his hotness quotient with his David Beckham makeover, which consists of short, slicked back, high lighted blond locks and a track suit (see below). Huge improvement.

Anyway, the doctor discovered Sookie had been poisoned by the creature’s claws and had to scrape out (graphic, HBO!) the cuts with her finger. Annika is under the impression that she scooped out eggs from the cuts, but I think it was poison—remains to be seen, I guess, but the creatures are definitely attacking more than just Sookie. At the end of the episode, we learned new Merlotte’s waitress Dawn Daphne had also been attacked, and by the looks of things, she’s become one of them.

While she was recuperating at Fangtasia, Sookie discovered Lafayette down in the basement. He was alive and had yet to be turned into Eric’s “own bad ass vampire.” I hope they do eventually turn him, as I think Lafayette would make a super fun vamp to root for. Sookie bargained for Lafayette’s release, in exchange for helping Eric figure out what happened to the vampire sheriff in Dallas, but Lafayette’s interaction with Eric is far from over.

Meanwhile, Bill’s young vampire Jessica has gone out to Merlotte’s and befriends shy, adorable Hoyt—he hung around Rene and Jason a lot in the first season. I thought it was adorable that initially she was trying to hide the fact that she was a vampire, but then revealed herself by ordering True Blood, and Hoyt still showed he was crushing on her. She eventually brought him back to Bill’s place and as they began to get close, her fangs came out, causing her to cry, “I would die of embarrassment if I wasn’t already dead!” Ahh, vampire jokes. Hilarious. Just as Bill and Sookie arrived back home, Jessica seemed to be either about to bite Hoyt and f**k the hell out of him, but Bill stepped in and stopped her, like a big ol’ party pooper. What, only you can hump humans, Bill? Let the girl get a piece! I am officially on Team Hoytssica. Oh yeah, I just made that name up.

There’s not a new episode for two weeks, sadly, but in the meantime, I’m occupying my time by reading the first in the book series by Charlaine Harris. So far, so amazing! I read the book’s first sex scene on the subway this morning and felt myself turning red from reading such awesome, trashy smut in public. But the book brought up a question. It references Bill actually “coming” inside Sookie, but given that Jessica cries bloody tears, you would think Bill would, um, ejaculate blood, right? Not so. Consistency, Miss Harris! And then when Bill tells Sookie they won’t be able to make love again for a few days, until she’s no longer sore, she asks him, “Your blood heals, doesn’t it?” and he straight up fingers her with a bloody fingertip until her crotch heals and she’s ready to go again. And you thought the show was raunchy…