Tough Love: Once A Cheater Always A Cheater
Posted by: Lily Q
Filed in:
relationships
2:20PM, Monday June 22nd 2009
There’s this scene in “He’s Just Not That Into You”—the point to which most Tough Love posts will eventually return—when Justin Long tells Ginnifer Goodwin that she’s special, she’s an exception to the rule. It’s all very sweet and there’s crying and hugging and a bit of kissing and that all distracts you for a moment from the fact that it’s utter bulls**t.
You see, you are not special and rule-defying, unique in your ability to change someone chronically terrible into a nice, devoted guy. This is not to say that you aren’t special in other ways, merely that the expectation that you’d be able to subvert ages-old male behavioral patterns is quite a lot to ask of yourself. When you read it, this should seem fairly obvious. And yet I continue to field weepy calls and enraged emails from a whole slew of women absolutely shocked that their personal awesomeness wasn’t enough to change a guy completely.
Most mystifying of all are the girls who poach their boyfriends from other women and are then shocked when said guy goes on to cheat on them with someone else. Did you really not see this coming?
Cliche though it may be, the phrase “once a cheater, always a cheater” comes to mind. It’s a fair bet that the guy who screwed his ex by screwing you will have limited qualms about doing the same thing all over again. But while it was kind of fun and exciting the first time around, once he does it again, you’ll have rotated into the old girlfriend spot. So instead of getting laid, you’ll be the one throwing his shirts out the window, dousing them in lighter fluid and yelling “burn motherf**ker, burn!” (Or something like that…)
I’m not here to judge your initial decision to bang the taken guy—we’ve all been there. Sure, it’s not exactly sisterly of you to hook up with someone else’s boyfriend, but he’s the one who’s made the commitment to someone else, and his part in the affair is a hell of a lot ickier than yours. So before you go down that road again and turn your secret fling into your boyfriend, keep one thing in mind: he’s not worth it. Go ahead, be his dirty little secret for a while, but avoid a legitimate relationship with that guy like the plague.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
Riley
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 02:31 pm: [report]
Works the other way too. I have dated a few women that decided a little late to tell me about their fiancés or long-term boyfriends until well-after some romping.
Those ended pretty quickly, if they’d do that to someone they say they loved for a guy they’ve known 2 weeks…yeah.
Lily Q
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 02:54 pm: [report]
@Riley- it definitely works both ways. there’s this prevailing notion that only men are icky. It’s not true.
badger
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 04:19 pm: [report]
I can’t credit the source but the statement is: The “other woman” who marries her man creates a job opening. The reality is that someone - man or woman - who cheats will more than likely do it again.
EarthGoddess
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 06:28 pm: [report]
Full disclosure, I was in an unhappy marriage when I met my husband, who was also involved in a long-term relationship. So, we had an affair, then an LDR, and now we’ve been happily married for 2 years. We’re not proud of what we did, but we genuinely fell in love and, for a multitude of reasons, didn’t tell those we were already involved with the truth. It’s embarrassing, it’s unfair, and it’s not something I usually talk about of course. At the time we met, I had already emotionally checked out of my previous marriage and therefor didn’t really consider my ex’s feelings at all. (Not my best moment.) My husband felt very similar with his ex, as well. The initial fallout was difficult, but it’s really turned out wonderful.
Some positives have come out of it, too. My daughter and I relocated to be with my husband, who is an excellent stepdad, and my daughter is flourishing here much more than she was when her father and I were together. (Children can sense unhappiness and can suffer because of it.) My hubby and my daughter are very close and love each other tremendously. I’ve also become friendly with the woman he left to be with me, which is strange to say the least. She and I spoke about everything, and she said she realizes that they weren’t right for each other and he and I are soulmates. She felt guilty about standing in our way when she moved on and found her other half. So, it all worked out the way it should, and we love our new life.
I’m also aware of how to maintain a relationship now, much more so than I was with my ex. I realize that an unhappy person can always find happiness with someone else, and my husband realizes that, too. So, we know we have to treat each other well, and not let things slide or become boring, which isn’t a bad thing.
landesign
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 07:34 pm: [report]
@EarthGoddess. I was also in a terrible marriage.
I met a blue eyed brunette who was in a LTR with a doctor(she was a medical assistant).
We met where I worked in a grocery store, became friends, then we began an unbelievably romantic affair.
We celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary this past January. Our son is now 15.
When I met her, I realized she was the one I should be with and I never wanted another woman. So I’m an example of once a cheater, not always a cheater.
EarthGoddess
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 07:44 pm: [report]
@landesign: Congrats on your beautiful marriage and your son! I know exactly what you mean about knowing the 2 of you were meant to be when you met. That’s how it was for me when I met my husband ... total love at first sight and I knew I coulnd’t ignore it. I was forever changed that day ... for the better.
Symian
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 09:57 pm: [report]
I’ve been cheated on before and I can’t say that I would want to bring that feeling to someone, even if our relationship is “over”. I’ve always made it a point to be honest and up front when I’m ready to move on from someone so I don’t have to apologize for anything.
That being said, I understand that sometimes people make mistakes. As long as something is learned everyone can eventually move on and be happy. You just have to do a little background to see if he/she has a pattern because that says they probably won’t change and you’ll end up being the next victim.
bubblegum
wrote on June 23 2009 @ 01:33 am: [report]
It’s interesting how all this cheating works sometimes.
I was in a long, commited relationship. My fiance cheated on me and we broke up.
A couple of years later he was dating someone else, and cheated on her with me. I felt bad for the poor girl, but I was happy someone was paying for what he did to me(Besides, the sex was amazing)
In the beggeining I thougth she had really chaged him. He looked very in love.
But no, he will always be a cheater. I’m glad we’re not together anymore!
marirene
wrote on June 23 2009 @ 07:52 am: [report]
I disagree with “once a cheater…” and lean more towards the “exception to the rule” for the simple reason that once he/she is ready whom ever they are with at that time will be the “exception to the rule” because they are ready to be in a relationship. This plays for both teams.
bogart4017
wrote on June 23 2009 @ 10:47 am: [report]
I am related to a serial cheater and i’ve seen the fallout-included “revenge kids” and court battles. It sucks and he will never change his ways. I feel sorry for his new girlfriend. I want to tell her so bad to run screaming from this entire family and never look back. But then i wanted to say that to the last four. Sigh.
That said, i’ve never cheated because women always talk so you never get away with anything. Also when you love someone deeply all you have to do is picture the hurt in their eyes when they find out about your little dalliance and that should fix your zipper in place.
I won’t be judgemental about it but i’m sure all will agree that if you are going to “check out” of a relationship you should let your SO know first. Nobody likes those kinds of surprises.
venusian
wrote on June 23 2009 @ 05:19 pm: [report]
does anyone else hate the movies “He’s Just Not That Into You?” it is BS for sure!
nonamegirl
wrote on June 27 2009 @ 06:54 am: [report]
I fell deeply in love with a married man and during the course of our 2 year affair (of which I am bitterly ashamed), he told me that I was his 5th mistress in 7 years of marriage. He began cheating on her almost as soon as they returned from their honeymoon. I’m glad I broke it off but I have no doubt that “once a cheater always a cheater”. I didn’t let his wife know because I already felt very guilty about having hurt her (even though she had no idea I existed). It took a good year and a half after I stopped seeing him for him to cease contact with me. Right up to the end, he was emailing me naked photos of himself jerking off in the family bathroom. That poor woman! Never again. She’ll find out sooner or later because I guarantee this guy will be at it again at the first opportunity.
blondie55
wrote on June 27 2009 @ 02:24 pm: [report]
I really agree with Bogart!
Well said, I like that you don’t judge anyone, hell, we know life is filled with all kinds of folks, circumstances, needs, & wants…but
What has disuaded me ever from cheating (with only the few offers I’ve had) is imagining my H hunched over, with sad tears rolling down his face, saying what did I ever do to you, that you did this to me?
Unfortunately, after 12 1/2 years of marriage, he did cheat, and I will say, it’s not just one day of tears rolling down your face, and as simple as an apology, and all is fine.
It’s more than likely, that the cheater will continue his lies (like in another thread here), and just cover up for himself & his partner in crime.
I just wish people had the decency to end it first, before cheating. I think we’d be able to curtail it if people had significant fines, like $1,000 and increasingly more.
Hell, it would bring in alot of revenue, and hold our taxes down. Plus the fine should go to the person cheated on! That would hopefully curtail the curious penis or vagigi !!! lol
alphabete
wrote on July 4 2009 @ 01:27 am: [report]
I can’t figure out why people won’t just leave a relationship if they are committed to someone and then they want someone else. Sure it’s awful and horrible and painful for both parties I’m sure, especially the one who gets hurt. Just seems easier to end one before beginning another, especially if there are kids involved. I haven’t dated anyone in almost a decade because I’d rather be alone than for someone to say I am worth something to them and then for them to pull out the rug like “Oh, just kidding! You’re only worth a fraction of what I told you your value to me was.” Not that somehow makes me better (It doesn’t, and it gets lonely) but there’s a lot less heartbreak that way.
You never know if someone is trustworthy until they prove that they are not.