The Top 5 Reasons We Think You’re Bad In Bed
Posted by: The Frisky
Filed in:
sex
2:00PM, Tuesday October 13th 2009
We’re not going to lie. Women are a fickle sort. When it comes to sex, some women like this, some women like that, and some women don’t know what the hell they want. One thing we are sure of, though, is if you’re bad in bed—at least, in our opinion. Maybe it’s us. Maybe it’s you. But if the sparks aren’t flying when we’re banging uglies, it could be because we think you don’t have what it takes in the bedroom. What’s up with that? Find out the top five reasons we think you don’t cut it, after the jump.
You’re A Two-Pump Chump. Newsflash: If the sex is over less than 10 minutes before it started, with some exceptions, we barely had a chance to get into it before you were done with it. Look, we understand having a penis isn’t easy. They sure look complicated to us. (God knows we don’t understand them.) But make sure that when you get down, you reset your clock to operate in sync with ours. Women are notoriously slower to get into it, so take your time. Then, when our girls ask how it was, we won’t roll our eyes and proclaim you a T.P.C.
You Think This Is A Porn Movie. We don’t expect you to “make love” to us every single time, but, for chrissake, you’re not Dirk Diggler, and we’re not Amber Waves. If you’re spending more time looking at our crotches and boobs than our faces, if you’re trying out a series of death-defying sex moves that include the Pile Driver, if you’re saying a bunch of ridiculous stuff like, “Give it to me, baby, one more time,” we’re probably wondering how we got on the wrong train that took us straight to Porn Valley. We’re not porn stars, honey. We’re sexy ladies.
There’s Something ... Off. It could be anything. You smell funny. You grunt like a pig. You’re a toe-sucker. Women are creatures of habit and hygiene, and if there’s something off, weird, or rank about you, we are turned off. The funny thing about women is that we won’t necessarily tell you what’s wrong. We’re cagey like that. But if we stop talking, start staring at the ceiling, and you spot us checking the clock, in all likelihood there’s something about you that we find funky. Ask us. We might tell you. Or, well, maybe you’re better off not knowing.
You’re Just Not That Good. Maybe you’re a newbie. Maybe you suffer from penis-crippling anxiety. Maybe you just don’t get this whole sex thing. Maybe you find women intimidating. Maybe you need to do some additional research in the sex department. Here’s the thing. If, for whatever reason, you suspect you may not be that good in bed, here is the immediate appropriate course of action: Find a sympathetic woman and get her to teach you. All women think they’re secret sexperts. If you come across like a guy who’s willing to learn, we’d be happy to turn you out, baby.
We’re Over You. Want to know if a relationship is over? Have sex. There’s no hiding true feelings when the clothes come off and the boning starts. We’ve been dating for a while. We’ve gotten a little distant lately. We don’t return your calls and texts as quickly as we used to. And exactly what were we up to when we stayed out until 3 a.m. with our girlfriends last Saturday night? We’re just not that into you anymore. It’s not you. It’s us. Instead of hanging around and banging your head against our cervical walls, take your sex act on to another woman who will appreciate what you do when you get down.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
abcd
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 01:06 pm: [report]
I agree with this for men. Why is it that every single article is telling men how bad they are at something or doing something wrong? Lets go ahead and make a few suggestions on what makes a woman bad in bed…...she is too loose, she smells bad, makes funny noises, groans obnoxiosly, complains about what your not doing right or just doesnt know what she is doing. Lets go ahead and make an article on this.
hlnbabe
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 01:10 pm: [report]
3 is only applicable under certain circumstances.
I was seeing a guy who self admitted he wasn’t good because girls always did what he wanted. He’s one of those super attractive guys who doesn’t need to work to get a girl to go home with him. I didn’t even like him when we first met because his arrogance was gross, but over time he won me over. Then told me to tell him what I wanted because he wanted to “please” me cause he really liked me. Sounds great, right? He’s hot and I can train him the way I like it… yea, No.
He wants tips and advice, blah blah blah, but we always ended up in a fight because (shocker!) some guys do not like to be told their doing something wrong. Moreover, if they’ve only ever gotten what they wanted, once the sex mode clicks over, all that phooey about wanting what you want flies out the window. Needless to say unlike his past hookups I booted his ass to the curb along with his lackluster skill set.
Riley
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 01:11 pm: [report]
What do they give those models over at iStockphoto? Her pupils look huge…
Lisa Marie
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 01:21 pm: [report]
@ abcd
I’m guessing that’s because this site is primarily designed for womenfolk. That said, I do believe the ladies of the Frisky have written articles on the subject of, “yo, chicky babe, stop doing the awful things you’re doing” in the past.
C.Munro
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 01:22 pm: [report]
Note to women:
I won’t keep disappointing you in the bedroom if you don’t insist on trying to bone at 3 a.m. after we’ve just spent the night knocking back shots at the bar. Give me an opportunity when I have more energy, and I’ll be able to disappoint you in other rooms instead.
novavariations
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 01:28 pm: [report]
5) You’re just not sexually compatible. The last guy I dated tried to convince me that something was wrong with my lady parts because I couldn’t get off from just his peen —that I was doing something wrong, because he had gotten every girl to a happy place before me. (Great choice for him to be my first…right?)
I thought that if sex felt like this, I had no idea what the big deal was. I had convinced myself that I was some kind of failure at sex that actually carried over into my next relationship. This relationship though, sex is great! And its not because he’s any more experienced (he’s actually less) or that I learned so much from my first, but that we just click together.
Dmun
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 01:42 pm: [report]
I had a girl who, no lie, would grunt like a pig. Couldn’t get off at. All.
friskybachelor
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 01:45 pm: [report]
Since when did wanting out of a relationship lead to bad sex? I’ve had problems getting out of a relationship because the sex was so good. We’d try to break up but just end up in bed and…
lilrockgoddess4u
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 02:27 pm: [report]
@Riley
My pupils always look that way unless I am in direct sunlight. People think I am on drugs lol.
NomChompsky
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 02:47 pm: [report]
Newsflash: If the sex is over less than 10 minutes before it started
Man, I would love to #&@$% somebody with a time-machine.
Though that IS incredibly premature ejaculation.
NomChompsky
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 02:49 pm: [report]
If you’re spending more time looking at our crotches and boobs than our faces
Hey, I can look at your face whenever I like. I only have negative 10 minutes of crotch time, I’m not going to waste it making deep and meaningful eye contact.
majicksand
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 03:47 pm: [report]
@nom: I’m actually laughing out loud right now.
As for the list… I can more or less agree with everything except #2. Soft, sweet candlelight and romantic music is the exception, not the rule. I’ll take two tickets on the express train to porn valley, please.
Raugiel
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 04:24 pm: [report]
@ friskeybachelor - Wanting out of a relationship can totally lead to bad (or worse than before) sex. Anyone who has ever tried to “wait out” a lease before breaking up with a live-in SO should know what I’m talking about.
hawaiianpeach
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 07:06 pm: [report]
If a man is bad in bed I show him the shortest route to my front door. The End. Period.
ChoJinn
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 07:27 pm: [report]
@abcd: The first rule of Frisky Club is: cynicism goes one way. The second rule of Frisky Club is: cynicism goes ONE WAY. Third rule of Frisky Club: If someone gets offended, uses all caps, or says “some crazy chick,” the conversation is over. Fourth rule: A dozen women and two guys to a conversation. Fifth rule: Eight unrelated conversations at a time, fellas. Sixth Rule: no ovaries, no perspective. Seventh rule: squabbling will go on as long as it has to. And the eighth and final rule of Frisky Club: if this is your first post, you have to take it seriously.
Amy
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 09:40 pm: [report]
If you’re only capable of jack rabbit sex (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=jack rabbit sex) learn to switch it up/slow down, or just masturbate.
Fast Eddie
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 08:12 am: [report]
Three things that help or hinder sex or anything else are communication, communication, and communication. I know that you gals have intuition, but us pointers don’t and we’re not telepathic ether. I know that it takes some of the magic away to tell us what you need but if that’s what it takes to allow us to give you pleasure…
Back in my single days (30 years ago) when my hormones raged it still took communication and time to get to know what it took to please any particular woman. Yes, there were a few occasions when magic happened, but looking back it was rare. Most of the time it took several sessions for us to get comfortable enough to talk and experiment. When that worked it was wonderful and lead to far more satisfying sex and friendship. Love did happen but it was the ability to communicate that enabled it.
cooldad
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 10:36 am: [report]
Cannot go wrong with starting out by going down til she has an orgasm.
BedRocka
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 11:39 am: [report]
Cool Dad why stroll down town while you have the subway?
DancingGeek
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 03:48 pm: [report]
I like having my toes sucked! Guess I’m freaky that way.
TinaTuna
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 07:02 pm: [report]
I once dated a professional bodybuilder who asked me to be on top…..every.single.time. I thought it was weird and one time I asked him why, thinking maybe he liked the view, etc. etc. His response: “babe, my muscles always get sore after sex so it’s easier on me when you are on top”. That was the last time I #&@$% him.
SummertimeFirefly
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 07:32 pm: [report]
“We’re Over You” is right on for me.
Ariandre
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 11:41 pm: [report]
I have to agree with number three- what is with guys who expect you to dress in sexy lingerie and sweet smelling perfume but can’t find a few minutes to even brush their teeth? Yick!
Seralyn
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 10:49 am: [report]
Nom - your comments Always make me laugh. I get such a kick out of you
Cooldad - I Love how you think! Keep doing it your way, Sweetie. I’m sure the women in your life appreciate it.
aprioath
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 07:04 pm: [report]
Haha.. it’t true.. i just lost my V card recently to my ex and it wasn’t all that great.. He barely knew where to put it.. i didn’t know what i was doing, so it was a mess.. next time i do it, i will have to be with someone i truly care about and is skilled haha
onewriter
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 11:18 pm: [report]
I was going to say that too…cooldad, I get the feeling there aren’t many men like you.
moonblossom
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 11:32 pm: [report]
#5 + CoolDad’s method = fast train to rug burn (sorry)
becktasm
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 02:56 am: [report]
Oh god it’s so painfully obvious in the bedroom when a guy watches too much porn. You almost feel embarrassed for them.
“Yes, my vagina has hair on it- that’s because I have, in fact, GONE THROUGH PUBERTY.”
“No, you can’t come on my face, dick’s have bad aim and I just washed my hair.”
“Please stop calling me a whore. We just met.”
The less I have to say these phrases, the better. Dudes of the world: put down the ‘puter and try to find some real life ladies who will get naked for you.
A.J.R.
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 09:49 am: [report]
9 times out of 10, I take care of my wife with her vibrator before I even put the condom on. The other 1 time is when she wants it fast and rough.
Incidentally, I just registered and this is my first post. Y’all are awesome.
venusian
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 12:55 pm: [report]
if someone you’re with is “bad in bed” or does something to turn you off—how do you fix it without ending it all together but not hurting his feelings? thoughts?
i know the T.P.C. and after a while you can’t help yourself but put on a bitchy face afterwards.. disappointment mixed with sexual frustration is hard to cover-up. In my case, that relationship ended and yes, because of the bad sex, but if it happens again how do you save the relationship and the sex?
TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on October 17 2009 @ 08:19 pm: [report]
@venusian You have to talk about it. If you do manage to cover your feelings, he’ll probably have no clue that he left you stranded on the road to Oville. If you’re not so good at covering up your feelings, he may think that for some reason you get in a weird mood after sex, because he still may not be aware that you’re not getting to where you need to be. Either way, why should you have to cover your feelings? This stuff (sex, relationships, love) is important, and it should be talked about. If it hurts his feelings, so be it—no one said relationships are easy. Don’t settle for less than what you need to be happy.
ChocoBoo
wrote on October 19 2009 @ 01:20 am: [report]
@ AJR: YES! First a little toy play, then on to NastyTown: this is indeed the magic formula.
HDS1963
wrote on October 19 2009 @ 06:17 am: [report]
I do agree with an earlier poster - why is it assumed that only men are bad in bed. Some women are absolutely rubbish too.
The assumption seems to be if sex is bad then it has to be the man’s fault. No, not at all, it takes two to tangle. It doesn’t help when a considerable number of women haven’t the first idea how to get their own motor going, so how the hell is a man magically supposed to know.
And I agree, communication is everything. If your man is crap in bed and you haven’t given him some pointers as to what you like, it’s your own fault. Too many women assume that you are all the same, you’re not. I’ve never met two women who like the same thing done the same way and I am not exactly a blushing virgin in the bedroom front.
Amy
wrote on October 19 2009 @ 06:52 am: [report]
@HDS1963: This is an article from women TO MEN. That’s what that is the focus in this particular article. Of COURSE there are just as many women who are bad in bed. Seems pretty obvious.
I have a friend who recently was seeing a guy who was apparently a terrible kisser. She tactfully guided him and showed him what she liked. For a little while it worked. Then back to the terrible technique. That (along with other personality stuff) gave her enough info to break it off.
MyPleasure.com
wrote on October 19 2009 @ 10:33 am: [report]
All of these would be a non-issue or wouldn’t be there in the first place if the guy was really *present*. Presense, enthusiasm and sense of humor really overcome a lot of things.
crescentmoon
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 02:32 pm: [report]
Two-Pump Chump? I was a virgin when I married, and I got the One-Pump Chump. I’d have given anything for a Two-Pump Chump at the time! He was in the Army (still is), so I call him the Original Minute Man. Seriously, one time he came in his pants before we even started. I got the story that I was the problem, and that I should “see someone” about it. After the divorce, I really wanted to send him a video, to show him how wrong he was (but we were in a custody battle so I didn’t need the heat from that). Now that I’m with my perfect partner, I have multiple orgasms every time, and he can go all night. He said the first time we had sex he was terrified he’d never be able to keep up, but he does wonderfully
The only thing I’d say is that sometimes, esp in the morning, I ask for a toothbrushing break—for BOTH of us. I would never say, “hey, your breath stinks, so if you want to get busy with me then go swish some minty fresh.” I wouldn’t appreciate that, and it goes both ways, you know?
duhh
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 08:08 pm: [report]
and What’s wrong with saying “give it to me baby, one more time”
not everyone has the opinion that is a nasty thing to say while you are in bed….............
ootie grl
wrote on November 16 2009 @ 06:44 pm: [report]
@becktasm ya it is embarrassing wen u can tell they watch too much porn. Sexy time is over n i cant stop laughing my ass off1