Thoughts From Guys On Our IM: Would You Ever Violate Her Privacy?

EarthGoddess
wrote on May 6 2009 @ 03:00 pm: [report]

My husband and I have total access to each other’s online profiles, emails, phones, etc. We can login and read as much as we want as often as we choose, and we both check each other’s stuff frequently. It’s part of the no secrets, totally open communication policy we have for our relationship. It’s been this way since we began dating seriously (even before we became engaged). It works wonders for us, but may not be right for everyone. Although, we know a lot of other committed couples who do the same thing.

writergirl
wrote on May 6 2009 @ 03:06 pm: [report]

My husband doesn’t hide anything from me….but I still don’t know his password to get into his email account.  I don’t think he knows mine, either.

Not for any other reason than we just want some “separation” of our lives.  But I had no issue showing him my FB profile and letting him surf around on there before he got his own profile.

I don’t scroll through his phone—I don’t have a reason to.  And I would feel funny if I did.  Curiosity or not.

To us…its just not something that is done.

becktasm
wrote on May 6 2009 @ 03:12 pm: [report]

I confess, I read my ex’s email once. I didn’t suspect him of anything, but I couldn’t stop myself- I was so incredibly insecure in the relationship. From it I found out he was still in communication with and hanging out with the girl he had dated right before me, which was something I was not aware of, and which hurt me deeply. Not because I was the jealous type, but because the fact that he was doing it and not telling me about it (as far as I knew, they didn’t even speak) was so deliberately deceitful, you know? It broke my heart. But then I was in a real catch-22, because if I confronted him about it he’d know I violated our trust, but if I didn’t all that hurt and resentment would just be left to broil inside me. I chose to let it broil, and dumped him shortly there after. He still has no clue why.

Long story short: DON’T READ YOUR BOYFRIEND’S EMAIL.

EarthGoddess
wrote on May 6 2009 @ 03:20 pm: [report]

@becktasm: It’s a shame, sort of, that you weren’t married. My friend came upon a similar situation with her ex husband’s email and is entitled to a TON of alimony because the courts consider it fraud and willful marital misconduct. She walked away with a very nice chunk of change, and the other woman dumped his sorry butt!

becktasm
wrote on May 6 2009 @ 03:31 pm: [report]

@EarthGoddess: New get rich quick scheme!

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on May 6 2009 @ 04:05 pm: [report]

What about place a GPS device in her car? Those are cheap now, you can even get them for phones, if the phone is GPS enabled.

JaqAttack
wrote on May 6 2009 @ 04:30 pm: [report]

I have learned a valuable piece of advice

don’t ask questions you don’t want answered.

I mean if you really want to get into his email, I’m sure it easier than a lot of people think, but once you read emails or massages or texts, you can’t forget. Even if it’s innocent, you know what was said. Somethings need to be left alone.

mikeyellenlee
wrote on May 6 2009 @ 07:19 pm: [report]

I admit, I got into my ex’s myspace account, and cell phone, and found what I was looking for I guess. Which is why we’re not together anymore. I’m glad I did it…if I didn’t I would have never have known for sure because even though there was other evidence, he would always lie about it.

lilafly
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 09:03 am: [report]

I am usually driven to this kind of activity when I’m pissed off at him/bored. Once I did a “search” in his email and actually found stuff…and this is horrible but I got a rush from it. Sort of like an “i KNEW it!” thing. But it turned out it was out of context (only SORT of) and it was from 3 years back. I figured it was sort of OK because we both know each others passwords. I’ve also looked through his texts numerous times and got that horrible adrenaline feeling of being betrayed just at the sight of another female’s name. I’ve stopped, not for him, but for my own sanity! He still thinks I’m nosy and every time his phone goes off I ask “Who’s that?”, and sometimes i do the side glance at his email. I think now it’s become a running joke and if I stopped, he’d probably think I stopped caring or that something is wrong!

chitownmale
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 09:31 am: [report]

I think it’s funny that all of the guys interviewed seem to have an ex who checked their e-mail, or know someone who has checked a girlfriend’s e-mail, but would never do something that deplorable themselves. I call B.S.

EarthGoddess
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 09:41 am: [report]

@lilafly: I can totally relate ... if I don’t look at his email/networking profiles/phone for a couple days, my hubby asks me if everything’s OK. There’s this one girl he knew in high school who is gorgeous and I know he visits her Facebook often, so I’ll always tease him that she’s his online GF. It’s a little joke with us, too.

theoldman
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 10:22 am: [report]

Writergirl gets the gold star for having a truly successful relationship.  Bet her husband wouldn’t trade her for the world.

For the rest of you this is a lecture that you probably don’t want to hear; but learn from Patrica Dunn former CEO of Hewlett Packard and Ann Baskin former general counsel and chief ethics officer. They lost their jobs(law licenses to disbarment) and faced criminal charges along with four others for illegal accessing computer and telecommunications materials, cell phone records among other things.  Congress has written new statutes since May 2006 which would make Earthgoddess’s friend and her lawyer subject to federal charges for extortion by use of illegally obtained computer materials.  My first question in writing to her friend’s attorney would be how did she get the information. There is no 5th amendment protection against self incrimination in a civil case.  They have to answer.  If they answer truthfully they confess to criminal conduct, possession of illegally obtained materials, and if they lie perjury.  Earthgoddess’s friend better be glad that the attorney for her ex was a dummy.

It is great to feel that you have no secrets like Earthgoddess BUT… protect yourself and your spouse
If your SO or you have access to things like financial transaction records of third parties, SCADA equipment, police/judicial files, classified government documents (anything that touches financial or national security)among others, DOJ’s written policy is to prosecute for unauthorized access and ask questions later. Being a spouse is no protection so be careful. Even if my SO and I were married we each have items the other cannot access.  I still have access to federal court records(semi retired), she has SCADA access to the local water/sewer system as chief engineer. Most computers require that you enter password to access it. That makes it unauthorized access subject to criminal penalties if you login to a computer that has access to secured by law information and you do not personally have authority to access that material. With texting and emails on cell phones the issues are the same.  If your name isn’t on the account don’t touch it.

Before accessing your SO’s electronic communications, you need to think about the consequences to YOU if it blows up.  If you feel the need to check it out, your relationship isn’t very solid and subject to being doomed any way.

CheeeEEEse GPS tracking is stalking; a felony unless you are tracking your child who has not yet graduated from school. How many of those do you have?

EarthGoddess
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 10:34 am: [report]

@theoldman: Thanks for the info. It’s very thorough. However, my husband and I are not government employees nor do we have access to sensitive info. So, it’s harmless. He’s OK with me checking, and I’m OK with him checking. It’s been working well for us for years.

As for my friend, her ex was a horrible man and I’m glad he had a “dummy” for a lawyer .... he got what he deserved in the end since he wound up penniless and alone!

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]

@theoldman: 16. Seriosuly, you have such are hard-on for the dramatic.

Durrr, never share root passwords.

freddymerckx
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 04:43 pm: [report]

I did. Big time. I was motivated to seek out information that would resolve my suspicions of infidelity. I won’t sit sit around and be lied to.

LostInStars
wrote on May 7 2009 @ 08:35 pm: [report]

I read his msn chat log with his ex once. Ugh, I wish I never had. Found some things that kind of hurt, that he neglected to mention. I didn’t mention it to him because I knew how wrong it was. If he ever read mine I’d be hurt, so I ended the snooping after that and haven’t done it since. It’s awfully tempting once you start.

theoldman
wrote on May 8 2009 @ 08:12 pm: [report]

CheeeEEEEse, when something as dumb as scrolling through someone else’s cell phone log gets you as much hard time as selling a key of mary jane, remember no probation in fed court and you have to serve 90% of your time and get a minimum of 1 year supervised release on the backside, it is DRAMA, two years worth. I cannot imagine that anything would justify that descent into hell. The justification is about as lame as the tax cheats I represented who justified cheating because the government took too much already.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on May 8 2009 @ 08:55 pm: [report]

@theoldman: Well until the American people know that the government is doing the same sort of things to it’s own people, much like a girlfriend’s infidelity whom you have just checked her cell phone (Warrentless wiretaps) why should I give a crap about something as petty as this. Personally I think this is between 2 people, much like the gay marriage issue. This has no merit of any sort in court system. As you just mentioned, why should you get time for checking texts in the same regard to COCAINE, Marijuana is petty, a kilogram or not.

I’d like to also mention that the average American is as dumb or dumber than a brick. They wouldn’t know their rights if said Bill of Rights was doing a striptease on their face, so once again, no harm done. This is a personal issue, not related to the courts (Unless for some dumb reason its pictures of teens naked, then congress has to get involved, always the kinky s*it with them).

</rant>

demonicfork
wrote on May 15 2009 @ 12:25 am: [report]

Here’s my position, as a guy.

Under no circumstances, should a partner be looking at private information that the other partner does not specifically on a case for case basis invite the partner to look at.

Here’s what i don’t like about the idea. It’s the sharing of everything. The idealogical standard that perfect spouses will act as one person and one will. I don’t understand why this is good. Its all very borgish (I dunno how many will get that reference, and i’m not going to explain it). My logic on the complete sharing is.. you become a single entity.

If John falls in love with Jane because she is a unique individual he connects with and Jane falls in love with John for the same reasons, shouldnt they nurture those distinct identities instead of tearing it down and becoming one? My logic is that if I were to fall in love with a women, I wouldnt attempt to change her. Because she would already be the most precious and important thing to me. Why should I need to see what she keeps hidden? Everyone needs somewhere they can be alone, and the boundaries of your mind can be awful lonely sometimes.

smh
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 05:38 pm: [report]

Communication and honesty are good. Common sense needs to be applied. I applaud folk who are able do total honesty and transparency without totaling the relationship. FWIW there is a difference between honesty and communication and verbal diarrhea - there is such a thing as over sharing. Many people mistake honest,transparency and communication with full disclosure of even the most minute details that pop into the mind and out of the mouth of a partner.

I agree be honest and truthful and communicate but think before you speak make sure what you say is what you mean most of the information shared between couples involves feelings not just hard cold facts and feelings are not logical or rational all the time the just are.

Ariandre
wrote on November 17 2009 @ 04:32 pm: [report]

“Borgish” Hehe love that
You will be assimilated…......