Thoughts From Guys On Our IM: Why’d You Disappear?

lilo
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 10:44 am: [report]

i think women are total experts at doing the fade. couldn’t tell you how many times i’ve done it. i think most people would rather receive the fade than the “i’m just not that into you” message. it’s not like someone then thanks you for rejecting them, and i suppose it does leave a door open if nothing better comes along. i don’t know why guys make plans, though, and then don’t follow up. maybe they just feel it’s expected of them. i forgive them for it, as an expert fader.

Isabela Laval
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 10:48 am: [report]

Amelia, you’re a mind-reader!  I can totally empathize with your sitch, because I am in the same predicament.  I have always thought I was really good at reading people, but apparently my radar can be way off when it comes to guys and dating.  I went out with a guy recently, and we had a great time (I thought, and he said so).  The convo just flowed and there definitely was good chemistry.  I was making fun of his fuzzy dice on the rearview mirror, and he decided to give it to me!  Now what is that, and how am I supposed to read it?!

I’m a pretty direct person; I’ll say when I’m not interested (in a gentle way, of course!) and I’ll tell the guy if I like him.  If only most people, men and women, were like that, it would help avoid a lot of the misunderstandings that occur.  I would rather not be fed the obligatory line of “I had a great time, I’ll call you.”  Or “It was great from start to finish, let’s meet up soon.”  As much as it smarts to hear that someone doesn’t think you two will mesh, I will admire anyone who would tell it like it is, instead of making me wonder.

Nick at Night
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 10:56 am: [report]

To tell if a guy really likes you or just wants you, try taking it a bit slower on the sex part.  If after 4 or 5 months of dating you are still seeing each other, chances are he genuinely enjoys your company.  If he still ditches you after the 3rd date, he would have done so even if you slept with him.

Arty
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 10:59 am: [report]

I think if a guy actually said that he wasn’t that into me instead of “pulling the fade” I’d thank him, make myself not hug him because I’d want to hug him after his amazing gentlemanly behavior, and then let him go about his merry life.

Saying something is the real band-aid ripping.  Fading out is the slow, painful, torture process of wondering what the #&@$% is going on.

Nick at Night
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 11:06 am: [report]

As for *WHY* guys do that, I think there is one of 3 reasons:

1) He got what he wanted and is done with you (the total ass).
2) He isn’t into you and doesn’t have the guts to tell you (chicken $#!t coward).
3) He is just that flaky in all aspects of his life (repeat after me boys and girls, “Just say no to drugs”).

MissChaotic
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 11:45 am: [report]

Wow, I’ve been on both sides of this situation, as of recently.

So there was this guy who’s been all talk about making me his girlfriend, going out of his way to do things for me, and in like 2 days he like stops talking to me.

On the other hand, I’ve done it to a couple people, but at the same time, I like both of these people, but they are way too old for me. Like damn near 20 years my senior (I’m only 22).

But ouch either way. At least I call to say hi a few times a year to kind of fade off instead of cold turkey.

spanishdoll
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 01:30 pm: [report]

Yeah, I totally just got over the same exact situation (and am currently watching all my girlfriends suffer it too. WTF? Is it some kind of disease that’s spreading?)

My frustration is with the IM answers to this predicament. It seems like, well, there isn’t an answer short of guys not being able to be honest, and resorting to cowardly methods. I know personally I may have sent mixed signals to guys before, but I have definitely forced myself to send the “I’m not that into you” message to them. Without it I couldn’t have a clear conscience.

Austin Artist
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 06:24 pm: [report]

I pulled “the fade” on a girl only once, and I always regretted not being honest up front. I was just not into her but didn’t want to tell her. She was kind, sweet, pretty, and funny, but there was just no chemistry. How do you tell someone that you like everything about them but don’t want to go out again? It sounds so stupid.

A girl did “the fade” on me exactly once a couple of years later. I was certain the date went really well, she even came back outside to say so as I was already leaving. In hindsight, I think she already knew she was going to do the fade. I never did find out what was up with that.

Some guys have neither balls nor honor and chose to use “the fade” regularly. Some women are the same way. Best course of action? I say open an honest communication.

marthajane
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 06:56 pm: [report]

I hate the fade.
Emailing/texting/communicating into a void is so unsatisfying (to say the least).
miss information is so right.

cbloon
wrote on December 31 2008 @ 07:16 pm: [report]

I’ve had it done on me twice recently.  Both guys, we’d gone out quite a few times over a period of a month or two.  (not concurrently).  Nothing but positive comments - both talked of future plans, great sex, how much they enjoyed being with me, etc.  The last contact with both:  “I’ll call you next week.”  Then *poof*, they’re gone.  I was OK with it, because in truth, I was at the stage where it wasn’t really working for me and was a date or two within ending it, but why say “I’ll call” if you have no intention of it?  I’ve never done that.  It’s hard to send a “I’m sorry, but this isn’t working for me” email, but FFS, if you’ve gone out for a couple months, show some courtesy.

Chico B
wrote on January 1 2009 @ 07:23 am: [report]

Don’t make the mistake of thinking this (or anything) is something “Men” do.

First, painting all males with the same brush is a short step away from long-term disappointment, and secondly, “the fade” is hardly a gender-specific term.

If someone did this to you, then I’m sorry, it never ever doesn’t suck. But at least you know where they stand, or more to the point, where they don’t stand..

DancerNinja
wrote on January 1 2009 @ 09:23 pm: [report]

I hate “the fade” like he calls and flakes and keeps contact. But if the guy just drops off the face of the planet, well, more than likely I’ve been actively pursuing other leads in this stage of things anyways. That’s one less dude to juggle! Ha!

Humble Bee
wrote on January 2 2009 @ 03:06 pm: [report]

I did this once, he was a great guy, I still think that If we would have gone on another date we would have ended up hooking up or him taking me home to his parents, we just had great chemistry overall. BUT, the reason i decided to fade was because i was already in a relationship and didn’t think it was fair for either of them. I was currently bored with my man and met a cutie upstairs at work.. now I see him sometimes and he just signals with his hands “what happened?” and smiles (its still so hot, lol) I still think highly of him, he never took it personally and still says hi to me. I do admit, I feel bad i really gave him some wings and just cut em’..

Chelle
wrote on January 4 2009 @ 09:17 am: [report]

I’ve done this when I was single ‘cause I would get bored easily. I wouldn’t totally cut the guy off so i could keep him as “back up booty”. If the new guys I found wouldn’t stick around, I could always go back to the “back up guy”. If I cut him off totally it was because he was either getting too attached or really wasn’t worth my time (and of course I wouldn’t have the heart to tell him straight up). I know it’s not the right thing to do, but maybe that’s why guys do it too.

Boston Nights
wrote on January 5 2009 @ 09:59 am: [report]

This whole thing of not calling back and being a flakster is like a game. An uneccesary game. I truely believe that some people are just off with other aspects of their life. The best advice I could give is to not take things to seriously. If you had a good time good…keep them on the side. If they’re not mature enough to give you a good explanation they are a waste of your time.

duckie
wrote on January 6 2009 @ 12:40 pm: [report]

You can’t control how other people act, including in dating, so try to focus on how you treat the people you date instead of the behaviors of other people you can’t change.  You’re too good for those guys anyway

Ivan Moldavi
wrote on January 27 2009 @ 07:53 pm: [report]

It amazes me. Men make no secret that, in most cases, they’re just after sex yet women still wonder why guys pull “the fade”. I’ve been in locker rooms and on guys night out, it’s no secret a good portion of guys will say ANYTHING to get laid. Once the sex is out of the way, then they figure out if they want something long term or not.

Obviously not all guys are like this, but in a lot of cases the initial “being into you” is just the sex-hunting stage.